Thursday, April 27, 2006

It's Time Once Again For...



Yes, it's time to get your rhyming dictionaries out and make up silly noms de scandale for whomever we think the latest celebrity "blind item" is about. The British gossipeers Popbitch provided us with this tantalizing tidbit:
Which sharp-tongued fashion designer made a spectacle of himself at a brothel in Rio this year? At brothel 202, the fashionista asked for the three biggest black guys to shag him, but had forgotten to douche so sprayed the room with poo.

Well, now let's see. Is there such a thing as a straight, non-"sharp-tongued" fashion designer? No, there isn't. But I hope and pray to sweet baby Jesus that this particular fashionista's name rhymes with Snarl Soggermeld. He's so skinny these days that it seems like three giant Braizilian male hookers might snap him like a twig, but, then again, I hear those Teutonic types have bottomless reserves of steely inner strength underneath their tight black trousers and shiny boots....

Any other guesses? Funny pun-puns? Achtung! Leave them in ze comments box, or "Colonel Kink" vil make you spray ze room vith poo!



PS
Whoever came up with "Pull Durham" wins the secret, unofficial, and unannounced Felt Up "Kevin Costner Masturbation-Related Movie Title Pun" Contest. Congratulations, Anonymous! You win Felt Up's eternal admiration and undying respect, which usually require a few rounds of nice scotch-n-sodas to purchase, so kudos to you!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Happy Ending



Page Six has a delightful story about Kevin Costner today:
IT'S official - it was none other than Kevin Costner who was accused of masturbating in front of a female masseuse.

For months, rumors swirled that a Hollywood hunk had done that during a rubdown at the Old Course Hotel in St. Andrews, Scotland.

The story emerged in a lawsuit filed by the 31-year-old masseuse, who said she'd been unfairly fired after complaining.

While the star wasn't identified, Costner's name emerged in the press. This week, the hotel settled the suit and the court ruled there was no good reason to keep his name a secret.

His spokesman, Paul Bloch, danced around whether there was any truth to the claim. "This was never about Kevin Costner. This was a dispute between a hotel and an ex-employee. [There] were accusations made that were never proven," Bloch told Page Six's Bill Hoffmann.

Costner, 51, was honeymooning with new wife, Christine, when he went for the massage. The masseuse told the court, "I couldn't believe he thought he could get away with [it]. When I was giving his wife a massage afterwards, I wanted to tell her everything."

Now she's found out.


Hmmmm....This makes me want to a) barf and then b) scour my soul with some kind of psychic colonic and then c) make up punny titles for Kevin Costner's body of work, as it were. "The Touchables," perhaps? "Handango"? "Wyatt Perp"? "JFK-Y"?

Anyone out there got some funny titles you want to "release" for our pleasure? Please leave 'em in the comment box with a clean tissue.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Solamente Sickening

A little bird told me recently that Friend of Felt Up Terri R.'s suspicions that married "El Mariachi" director Robert Rodriguez' alleged fling with talent-challenged former Marilyn Manson arm candy Rose McGowan--who appears in his new movie "Grindhouse"--is all a big ruse to throw everyone off his real amor, boobalicious Salma Hayek.

Terri R. went to an art opening in San Antonio a few weeks ago, as is her wont, and saw a paen to the sultry Mexican spitfire painted by Rodriguez in collaboration with muralist George Yepes, and said, "If I was married to someone who painted a picture like like that of Salma Hayek, I would not be happy." Suffice it to say that if any of this story is true, his producing partner wife and mother of his five--count 'em FIVE--children, Elizabeth Avellan, ain't exactly chipper these days. Although, at least she's splitting with him after the "Sin City" and "Spy Kids" movies brought in el grande dinero...

Here's what RR had to say on Cinema Strikes Back about painting the show "Solamente Salma":
“It was actually George’s idea to use Salma because he had done a couple of paintings of her for my movies and he thought that would be a good connection since I’ve worked with her five or six times already, and the fact that we’re painting together, we might as well use her as our image and I was way into that because she is sort of an iconic image of a Mexican woman and a strong independent successful professional and many things all at once and an artist in her own right. Because of that iconic nature, and her face being a perfect specimen for painting — the lines of her face of her own could generate so much excitement in many different styles in many different lights — that it just seemed like such a natural. He came up with the idea that it would be ‘Solamente Salma.’”


Boo, Robert Rodriguez!



Hiss!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

More Horrifying Details of the TomKitten's "Birth"

Page Six provided some more gruesome information regarding the Scientologist shenanigans surrounding the so-called birth of stunt baby Suri Cruise today, via the UK Sun:
Cruise stroked Holmes' face and held her hand to help her stay silent during the birth of their daughter, in accordance with Scientology guidelines, The Sun said. Holmes did have a pain-killing epidermal shot to help stifle her moans.

And when it comes to feeding, science-fiction writer and Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard recommends a baby formula made of barley water, milk and corn syrup.

But "it is up to the parents as to use," Scientology Celebrity Center vice president Greg LaClaire says in the upcoming issue of People magazine.

He also said there is a "naming ceremony" where "parents and godparents pledge to give good care while at the same time providing the child an opportunity to grow and choose [its] own path in life. The child is welcomed by the congregation." The religion also advocates being relatively lenient on kids.

Its writings on child raising state that anything given to a child is his and thus if a child rips his clothes or breaks her toy, it doesn't matter.

"Children are not dogs," reads one tract. "The sweetness and love of a child is preserved only so long as he can exert his own self-determinism."

Suri may be able to determine her own career as well, and could become a child actress at a tender age. Hubbard noted that children should be allowed to work as soon as possible.

"Forbidding children to work, and particularly forbidding teenagers to earn their own money, creates a family difficulty," he wrote.

Cruise was ordered by Scientology elders to hand over notes and video recordings of the birth to prove it was silent, The Sun reported.

OK, first of all, if Tom Cruise was trying to keep me calm and silent, the last thing I would let him do is stroke my face, because that would start me screaming and shrieking and flinging things about the room.

And how scary is it that video "proof" of the silent birth had to be sent to the creepy Scientology elders? AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Run for your life, Katie Holmes! TAKE YOUR FAKE BABY AND RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES!



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

TomKitten "Born"!

Yes, the happy, silent day has finally dawned, and podperson Katie Holmes has officially removed her fake baby padding forever. According to the Associated Press:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the high-profile pair dubbed "TomKat" by the media, had a baby girl Tuesday, said Cruise spokesman Arnold Robinson.

The baby, named Suri, weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measured 20 inches long, he said.

Sadly, Tom was apparently disuaded from naming his fake baby "L. Ronna" or "Hubbardette." I looked up the name "Suri" to see if it has any hiddden evil Scientologist meaning, but so far it looks like it has something to do with alpaca sheep. Speaking of sheep, no word yet on whether or not Katie, AKA the turkey baster receiver, was able to get painkillers during her "labor," if in fact it ever took place...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Love Is Blind, Like This Item



Yes, it's time again for you dear readers to take a stab at guessing the identity of a gossip column "blind item." This one comes from Page Six, of course:
WHICH hard-partying Hollywood stud may have already jumped off the wagon after a recent stint in booze rehab? He knocked back a few too many at a recent movie after-party, and worried publicists had to quietly escort him out
.

Hmmmm. Well, this]really could be anyone--are there any non-Mormon stars who don't party hardy in Hollywood?--but I'm going to go out on a very tiny limb and say that the actor's name probably rhymes with Fallin' Barrel. But what do I know? I'm just a humble blogger. Anyone out there got any better ideas? Funnier rhyming names? Leave 'em in the comments box, si vous plais. Merci!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Lefkowitz, Abdul, And The Wrong End Of The Stick

There's been very little high quality non-news of late, I'm sad to say. But these two tidbits caught my eye...

First up, Page Six has this item about everyone's favorite crazy dipsomaniac former cheerleader:
PAULA Abdul is being accused of concocting a story to cover up being ejected from a club.

Two weeks ago, Abdul claimed a man (identified as CAA agent Jim Lefkowitz) "grabbed her by the arm and threw her against a wall," Us Weekly reported, during a party at the traveling after-hours club Xenii in L.A. - resulting in "a concussion and spinal injuries."

A police investigation was launched but may have been called off, as Lefkowitz has yet to be contacted by cops.

Two witnesses tell Page Six Abdul looked "drunk" and "out of it" and was the one kicked out of the party with ex-boyfriend Dante Spencer.

Insiders theorize she concocted a story to counter witnesses' claims that she'd been tossed from Xenii for being "falling-down drunk."

Lefkowitz's lawyer, Michael Nasatir, said yesterday: "The press accounts of the so-called altercation between Jim Lefkowitz and Paula Abdul at Xenii last Sunday morning are completely outrageous and utterly false. Mr. Lefkowitz did not have an argument with Ms. Abdul nor did he have any physical contact with her whatsoever . . . he was merely an innocent bystander at an unfortunate incident."

A rep said Abdul was unavailable for comment.

Dude, Paula Abdul is always unavailable for comment--she's too out of it to string together a coherent sentence, everyone know that!

I am fascinated with Paula right now, because she is on the most-watched tv show in the history of man, and yet a) feels totally free to slur, mumble, and crazy-talk her way through every show and b) the network and producers let her do it. I guess they all know what makes for good tv: Talented unknowns belting out Barry Manilow songs, a mean English egomaniac verbally eviscerating said unknowns, and a scary middle-aged former Laker Girl making a drunken and/or insane and/or drugged-out fool of herself. Kudos! You guys are crazy--crazy like a Fox Network, that is!



The other semi-entertaining crumb comes from English gossip purveyors Popbitch, who provided this totally uncorroborated and slightly nauseating tale:
Fred Durst has been involved in manystrange episodes but none quite like this story that's going around LA. Fred met John Travolta recently and the two men got quite chummy. One night, we hear, Travolta called Durst to say he was coming round.

When he arrived, Travolta said "Johnny wants mouthwash. Johnny loves mouthwash." Durst gave him the mouthwash. Next thing he knew, Travolta leaned in for a kiss. Seeing Durst's surprise, Travolta took a step back, saying that he got the wrong end of the stick and left. Durst stood there, horrified. Not because of any kiss. But because Travolta wasn't wearing his wig.

I think I just threw up in my mouth. Not at the thought of a wigless, high-on-mouthwash John Travolta making a pass at a man, but because the idea of anyone wanting to kiss Fred Durst fills me with revulsion and bottomless dread.

Shudder...


Pucker up!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Stink

Page Six has an item today speculating that our own resident Austin auteur/procreator Robert Rodriguez is already dating--and the lucky lady is none other than underpants-impaired skanktress Rose McGowan!
"SIN City" director Robert Rodriguez has a notable new squeeze.

Just days after filing for divorce from his wife of 16 years, Elizabeth Avellan, we hear the talented helmer is dating actress Rose McGowan.

If things get serious, McGowan could have a lot on her hands - Rodriguez has five kids with Avellan.

A friend tells us: "Robert spends all of his time on his ranch in Austin. His kids are home-schooled, and he even shoots movies there and edits them on the property. He doesn't like to leave much."

Rodriguez's rep said, "Rose is working with Robert on a yet-to-be-announced project. They have a professional relationship."

Heh. I like that part about "his ranch in Austin." It makes it sound like Austin is in the high plains, with tumbleweeds rolling through the OK Corral. We don't take kindly to that kinda talk around these here parts, Mister. We don't take kindly a'tall...


Greetings from dowtown Austin!

Anyhoo, Friend of Felt Up Terri R. speculated in a recent comment that Rodriguez is obsessed with Salma Hayek, since he painted a stalkerish portrait of the tastefully boobalicious Latina for a San Antonio art exhibit. Either way, if I was Elizabeth Avellan, mother of his cinco ninos, I would be extremely pissed. It is just so cliched for a director to dump his wife and creative partner of many years for the young, hot actress. Boo! Hiss!

Of course, Page Six could be wrong. Let's hope so. Can anyone really see Rose as a stepmom?



And Lordy! If that lil' lady is going to stick around these parts 'til the cattle drive, she better get herself some britches!

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Am Woman, Hear Me Bore Into Some Poor Schmuck

There's an interesting and dead-on accurate article in Slate today about that odd, creepy Century 21 tv ad that features a couple arguing over whether or not they should buy a house, with the Century 21 agent listening in on speakerphone. The husband is hesitant, and the wife is basically tag-teaming with the real estate agent to shame and heckle him into submission. I'd noticed the ad already, mainly because it is yet another addition to the long history of Woman As Shrew in American television advertising.

There are many variations: Woman as know-it-all (do you remember those high concept pain reliever ads from a few years back, where the man and woman were sitting at a library, and the man has a headache, and the lady is all "take this pill, you moron," and then a few commercials later, they return to the happy couple, and the guy's headache is, of course, gone, and the woman has a horrible, smug look and says something to the tune of "I told you so" to the sadsack, beaten-down guy?), woman as slut (the current Heineken ad with the hot sister getting beers for her brother and his pals by letting dudes buy them for her is particularly galling to my delicate sensibilities), woman as nag (take your pick), and so on and so forth. Usually in these commercials the guy is portrayed as slightly befuddled and/or dim, but almost always as a sympathetic character, while the woman is pushy, smart-ass, and a total harpy, snotty hag.

It's not that I think that there should be no ads whatsoever like this; it's just that there are so many. Now that I have cable again, I'm seeing tons more ads, and hence am in a state of near-constant outrage, shaking my fist at the screen. I guess I'm another harpy shrew, always complainin'...

Out With The Bad, In With The Good Times

Now that we've all taken a deep, cleansing yoga breath and expelled the name "Moses Martin" from the dark section of our souls where Gwyneth "Flapjacks" Paltrow's baby names are stored, it's time for some festive gossip we can all enjoy: Sienna Miller apparently shocked--shocked!--her fellow post-Oscar Vanity Fair party-goers with her drunken, slutty antics. Huzzah!

From WENN:
British actress Sienna Miller horrified Hollywood after she was photographed behaving in a "loud, childish" fashion at Vanity Fair's post-Oscar bash last month.

The images, which will be published in the magazine's May issue, show Miller cavorting drunkenly with bit-part actress Tara Summers, having her foot nibbled by her pal and hitching up her dress while waving her bare legs in the air.

Far from being impressed by her antics, the guests, mainly studio executives and producers, collectively cringed at Miller's embarrassing faux-pas - planting a qustion mark over her fledgling Hollywood career.

A leading Hollywood producer tells British newspaper the Mail on Sunday, "It's one thing to be gossiped about, but it's quite another to have pictures of yourself in that kind of clinch plastered all over a magazine. Hollywood is notoriously straight-laced when it comes to the behavior of a young star. This is an industry town. Actresses who expect to be taken seriously simply don't get drunk and behave like this in public."

An eyewitness branded her "loud and childish", adding, "Everyone was talking about how Sienna was totally over-the-top. These pictures have seriously damaged her reputation."

However, Miller's spokeswoman denies any raucous behavior, insisting, "They have just wrapped a film together and they were just sitting next to each other at a party. Nothing more than that.

"We've had no complaints."

Well I for one cann't wait to see these pictures. And give me a break: If Sienna Miller's movies make money, no one in Hollywood will care if she hikes up her skirt, pees on the rug, barfs on Tom Hanks' lap, and passes out in her own feces.


Wheeeeeee! I'm drunk!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Somehow This Is Tarantino's Fault, I Just Know It

Page Six is reporting that director Robert Rodriguez and his producer/wife are splitting up:
"SIN City" director Robert Rodriguez and his wife of 16 years, Elizabeth Avellan, are separating.

"This is an extremely painful time for me and my family, and Elizabeth and I very much appreciate your understanding and patience," Rodriguez told the crew of "Grind House" in an emotional meeting on the movie's Austin, Texas, set.

Rodriguez stressed that the separation was amicable and the couple plans to raise their five children together.

The creative pair will also remain partners in their production company, Troublemaker Studios. The Weinstein Co. plans to release "Grind House," a collaborative effort between Rodriguez and longtime friend Quentin Tarantino, later this year.

Hmmmm....even though Rodriguez and Avellan work in Austin, I don't know too much about their personal life, other than the fact they like to make babies almost as much as they like to make movies. Anybody got any dirt? Send it in!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Yes, I have decided to take a page from The Paris Hilton Guide To Tooting Your Own, Non-Existent Horn and let you know about my television appearance today. Sadly, it is not as a judge on "America's Next Top Model" or as a gossip expert on "Best Week Ever." But, happily, it is as a "vintage clothing expert" on a new show on the DIY Network called "Stylelicious".

I believe the show, which is hosted by members of the Austin Craft Mafia, airs today at 2:30 pm today Eastern, 1:30 pm Central and then again tonight at 8:00/7:00. Potential stalkers will be glad to know the segment was shot on location at my place of business, Blue Velvet, in Austin...

Don't have DIY? You can get the gist of what I said on the show here.



My dainty hand examining a price tag. Huzzah!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Shooting Star

It's a very slow non-news day, people. Sorry. But I do have a small bone to pick with the NY Post's Page Six column, which wrote today that:
STAR Jones seems to be trolling for freebies again.

The large-and-in-charge co-host of "The View" - looking to tighten up after getting a breast lift (with implants) and losing 150 pounds (with gastric bypass surgery) - asked her manager to set up free private lessons at S Factor gym, where owner Sheila Kelley teaches her charges to use a stripper pole.

Kelley offered only the first lesson for free, and Jones decided to stick with Equinox. Despite e-mails that show otherwise, a spokesman for Star said it was Kelley who approached her.

OK, I am the first to admit that Star Jones is a grasping, freebie-obsessed, staggeringly unlikable person--but "large-and-in-charge"? Sweet baby Jesus, the woman lost 150 pounds and looks like a bizarre, teetering bobble-head doll, with a hideous, unnatural-looking stick figure body and a ginormous death-mask face--like a black Joan Rivers or something equally horrifying. Star Jones is a grotesque, yes, but she's not large!

I feel like the media either a) hates her so much that they refuse to acknowledge her down-sizing, or b) really thinks that a woman who weighs 130-40 pounds is still an enormous fat cow. Now, if it's the first one, I can sort of understand it, because Star is just so despicable. But if the second case is true, then that is truly frightening. How far will our culture go to demonize fat? Pretty godddamn far, I guess. If I was Star Jones I would be beyond pissed that I lost 150 pounds and was still described as "large-and-in-charge." If you're considered a p-i-g no matter how much you weigh, why not just stay super-sized and eat, drink, and be pushy?


The non-voluptuous horror of Star Jones.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Crazy With a Z

Sometimes the stars align and luck and fate are on your side and beautiful, wondrous things happen. And so it was this weekend, when Boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P. and I were blessed with free Showtime for three days...and if that were not awesome enough, during this three-day period Showtime decided to air the fantabulous television concert "Liza With A Z," the legendary Bob Fosse-choreographed-and-produced bravura performance that hasn't been seen since its 1972 airing. It was like I'd died and gone to showbiz heaven!

Liza sings everything from Al Jolson's "Mammy" to Billie Holliday's "God Bless The Child" to a medley of hotcha numbers from "Cabaret." The Bob Fosse choreography is to die for, of course: Jazz hands, finger snappin', top hats and white gloves, more jazz hands--it's everything you could ever want from the Gay White Way.

And Liza. Oh, Liza. She was really young and snazzy, with four costume changes: An all-white Halston-y pantsuit, then the famous red sparkly halter mini-dress, then some kind of velvet breeches, and finally the "Cabaret" garters-n-tap-shorts-with-sparkly-jacket ensemble. Huzzah! She was singin' and dancin' her little heart out. She comes off a tiny bit kooky, naturellement, but in a good, non-drunken-beating-up-David-Gest way.

God Bless The Child! God Bless Liza! God Bless Free Showtime!

Lindsay Lohan Turns The Other Cheek

Lindsay Lohan's reign of terror continues unabated, and sadly, this time she chose to terrorize the littlest and weakest of us huddled masses: According to I Don't Like You In That Way, La Hohan thought it would be best to not wear underpants as she pranced down the runway-like stage at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awarards over the weekend:
When she ran up to accept her award she had yet another "wardrobe malfunction," or as I like to call it, "she's either really stupid, or she does this crap on purpose, or both." All of the 8 year olds standing beneath her will likely nominate her for "Favorite Freckled Ass Crack" for next year's awards show. I didn't watch the show, but I assume her acceptance speech went something like, "Thanks, you little bitches! I'd throw my underwear at you, but I'm not wearing any!! LOL at me! Peace out!"

It's always the children who suffer the most, isn't it? Here's a picture that says a thousand words. A thousand tacky, tacky words:



Check out the perfect "O" of horror on the mouth of that girl right under Hoahan's right cheek...