Thursday, March 09, 2006

Tiny Crumbs For Your Hungry, Gossip-Devouring Soul

Sorry for the sporadic posting, as well as for the acne-related spam in the comments box. One is my fault, the other is the fault of the scary, evil Acne Industrial Complex (AIC), which will stop at nothing--nothing!--to dominate and control the world's seemingly endless supply of pimply teenagers, adult-onset acne sufferers, and blog comment readers.

At any rate, there is a veritable smorgasbord of gossip out there, people; so much, in fact, that I'm just going to give lil' thumbnail sketches of each sordid report. Let's dive right into the filth, shall we?

First up, all decent, God-fearing people know by now that Chloe Dao was the surprise winner of "Project Runway." Shout out to Chloe's hometown of Houston, from your fellow Texans in A-town, whoo-hoo! Ow! I haven't been so shocked since "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" won the Academy Award for Best Song. Yowza! Chloe's big problem now is figuring out what to call her new company, since I am fairly certain that "Chloe" is already taken, and believe you me, you don't want to get on Stella McCartney's bad side, as she will definitely cut you. Hmmm....perhaps you could go with Dao's Syndrome? Remains of the Dao? Live and Live Let Dao? The Dao of Pooh? No Dao? Ups-n-Daos? Dao By Law? Reasonable Dao? These ideas are being given to you gratis, Chloe, in gratitude for you beating the ruched pants off Santino Rice, although his mom was adorable, I must admit.

In other non-news, David Hasselhoff has crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of impressionable German youths by being accused of spousal abuse during his increasingly-ugly divorce. There's a joke in ther somewhere, but mainly I feel dirty even mentioning it.

Also, Friend of Felt Up Rebekah M. has sent in two highly disturbing reports. First, Katie Holmes has apparently become fast friends with Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, and wants her to be in the room with her when she gives birth to Rosemary's Baby, according to Life Style Extra of ye olde United Kingdom:
The screen beauty - who is expecting her first baby with fiancé Tom Cruise this year - reportedly wants the former Spice Girl to be by her side when she goes into labour.

A source told Britain's Grazia magazine: "Victoria and Katie have struck a real rapport ever since they were introduced by Tom and both of them are thrilled by the friendship.

"Victoria has become something of a mother hen to Katie, so when she was asked if she would be with her during the birth, she said yes straight away."

It actually makes sense, when you think about it. Tom's going to force Katie to have a silent, painkiller free Scientology nightmare labor, and Posh has nothing to say and makes people want to shut their eyes when they look at her, so you know, cheers Katie, wot wot. Well-played, lass!

The other tidbit from Rebekah concerns slutty cuckolder Jessica Simpson, who was supposedly dumped by Maroon 5's Adam Levine via a text message that read “Really busy. Need Space," according to my beloved Star:
It all started when Levine blew-off their Valentine’s Day date as Jess pressured him for answers. It took a while to sink in and when it did, she told her best friend, “I just got dumped.” And by text message, no less. Ouch!

Not that Simpson will have trouble finding companionship. A source tells Star that she and British heartthrob Jude Law have been calling each other non-stop – even though they’re thousands of miles apart.

Dude, it is time to revoke Jude Law's membership in the Screen Actors Guild and possibly the human race if this is true. Not since word leaked out that my other boyfriend Joaquin Phoenix may be cheating on me with rampant whore Lindsay Lohan have I felt so disgusted by a respected film thespian's hideous taste in women. Get help, Jude Law, I beseech you!

As for Joaquin, I simply refuse to believe that particular piece of gossip. But you are definitely on thin ice, mister. Thin ice, I say! Sure, bringing your ex-Christian-sex-cult-member mom to the Oscars may mitigate these horrfiying allegations, but only a bit. You have been warned! Don't bother to call, either. I won't be home! Harrumph.

A program note to regular Felt Up readers: The postings will continue to be uneven for the forseeable future, as I'm about to mail off my computer to the nerds at Apple for life-saving surgery, and will have to depend upon the kindness of strangers for my access to the Internets, but please, please, please don't give up on me! Like my muse Ms. Liza Minelli, I can't be kept down for long...


Anonymous said...

Why do you perpetrate this stupid gossip and denigate Jude Law? it's
jessica's PR that's working on overtime here. Jude has been busy
filming and has two other films
lined up besivdes ALWAYS having been a serious actor. joke about
the sex if you will but don't throw
that into his career or abilities.
Chris Rock made that mistake once,
it did not do him any good.

Jennifer Perkins said...

Speaking of fish and chips...Brilliant Magazine wrote me today for the correct spelling of your name so I guess they are mentioning that you are on the premiere episode of Stylelicious! Whoo-hoo!

Anonymous said...

hey perpetrator.

i like well-endaoed. if you know what i mean.

-Aaron W.