Friday, March 31, 2006

If You Prick Her, Doth She Not Bleed Fabulosity?

I'm shocked--shocked!--to report that The Couple Most Likely To Induce Feelings Of Nausea Mixed With A Tiny Twinge of Revulsion, Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons, have split up. No, no, stop your crying, dear reader. There, there. Dry your tears. I know it's difficulut to fathom...she's so incredibly fabulous and he's so fabulously rich--how on earth could this happen? If they can't make it in this crazy, topsy-turvy world, who can? Who, may I ask, can?

According to People Magazine:
Russell issued his own statement Friday afternoon, saying: "Kimora and I will remain committed parents and caring friends with great love and admiration for each other. We will also continue to work side by side on a daily basis as partners in all of our businesses."

The statement also says the couple have been separated "for some time," but have continued living under the same roof.

Hmmm...Kimora famously once told Vanity Fair that the higher-priced end of her Baby Phat clothing line is "aspirational," that it is a lifestyle of fabulosity for us hoi polloi to dream of emulating. She also said that she herself represents "luxury." I wonder if divorce is aspirational, too, eh, Kimora? And what about the children? Will you still be able to style your photo shoots and runway show with them? Is there a "Children-As-Human-Accessories" clause in your pre-nup? You better find out, pronto...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's Jonathan's World, We Just Watch In Disgust

Best quote so far from this season of "Blow Out": On the birth of his newborn baby, Jonathan says, "That kid is worth all the hair product in the world."

However, I did see on a preview that during a weepfest at the shrink's office (naturellement) he sobs, "I'm so over me." Well, you maybe over you, Jonathan, but I'm not. Say what you will about this man's ridiculous monomania, he gives damn good t.v.

On the episode about Jonathan shilling Jonathan Product at the Sundance Film Festival (naturellement), he kept sobbing about how awesome it was doing the hair of "an Oscar winner." Having missed the beginning of the episode, I tried to figure out who on earth he could be referring to. His usual "celebrity" name-drop is Lisa Rinna, but I'm fairly certain she's never won an Academy Award. So who could it be? Halle Berry? Jessica Lange? Dare I hope it...could it be Cher? Nope. It was Marlee Matlin. Now, I don't want to be mean, but seriously, Marlee Matlin is about as far down on the D-List as you can go and still be affiliated with the Oscars. She's like two notches below Marisa Tomei. She's the Lisa Rinna of Academy winners. Oh, stop. Don't look at me like that! Just because she's deaf doesn't mean she gets honorary A-List status. I don't make the rules, people. Don't beat the messenger.

Friends Don't Let Friends Work for Naomi Campbell

Just when you thought there was no good gossip anymore (besides Fez's chivalrous, classy sexual boasting on Howard Stern, of course), good ole Naomi Campbell smacks yet another lackey in the skull with a phone. Yippee!

From The Austin American-Statesman, which knows real, solid, important news when it sees it:
Volatile supermodel Naomi Campbell, one of the world's most recognizable faces, was charged with second-degree assault Thursday after cracking her housekeeper in the head with a phone during an argument in her Park Avenue apartment, police said.

The British-born Campbell, 35, was taken into custody shortly after police responded to Lenox Hill Hospital to investigate the reported assault, police said. Campbell was charged after questioning at the Midtown North Precinct, where scores of photographers, reporters and film crews awaited her exit.

The volatile supermodel was taken to a Manhattan police precinct for questioning Thursday, March 30, 2006, after an altercation left her housekeeper hospitalized with a laceration to the head, police said.

This was not the first time that Campbell allegedly reached out and touched someone with a phone. In 2003, the supermodel was sued by a former administrative assistant who alleged that Campbell had thrown a phone at her during a tantrum two years earlier

According to police, Campbell's 41-year-old housekeeper received four stitches to the head at the hospital after the incident. When investigating officers arrived at Lenox Hill, the alleged victim identified Campbell as her attacker, police said.

The victim was not identified. The incident allegedly happened around 8 a.m. Thursday in Campbell's tony Park Avenue apartment, police said. In a statement, a Campbell spokesman said the supermodel was not responsible for any assault.

"We believe this is a case of retaliation, because Naomi had fired her housekeeper earlier this morning," said the statement from J.R. Johnson. "We are confident the courts will see it the same way."

Oh, God bless Naomi Campbell for always living up to our expectations and being a total and complete scary beyotch at all times. I believe extra-special Felt Up huzzahs for Ms. Campbell are in order:

Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Yet More Signs Of The Impending Apocalypse

So, obviously this is a pathetic publicity ploy to convince an incredulous (and possibly, uncaring) populace that Ryan Seacrest is straight and Teri Hatcher is human, but still:

Somewhere, Ryan Seacrest's publicist is roaring with laughter and saying to an underling: "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Funnily Enough, The Used L7 Tampon Is Still Up For Bid...

Duuuuuuude. Friend of Felt Up Ryan R. has sent in this link to an eBay auction for a rare, never-opened Alice Cooper Brand mascara that was apparently marketed to men back in the free-wheelin' early '70s.

Now, the fabulous Mr. R. is a man-about-town, raconteur, and total eBay expert, and he claims the whacko, out-of-control bidding is too legit to quit, which is quite astounding. Check it out...and then immediately start calling any of those collector-nerd members of your family tree who might have dabbled in gender-bending back in the day--they could be sitting on a (velvet) goldmine!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Tiny Crumbs For Your Hungry, Gossip-Devouring Soul

Sorry for the sporadic posting, as well as for the acne-related spam in the comments box. One is my fault, the other is the fault of the scary, evil Acne Industrial Complex (AIC), which will stop at nothing--nothing!--to dominate and control the world's seemingly endless supply of pimply teenagers, adult-onset acne sufferers, and blog comment readers.

At any rate, there is a veritable smorgasbord of gossip out there, people; so much, in fact, that I'm just going to give lil' thumbnail sketches of each sordid report. Let's dive right into the filth, shall we?

First up, all decent, God-fearing people know by now that Chloe Dao was the surprise winner of "Project Runway." Shout out to Chloe's hometown of Houston, from your fellow Texans in A-town, whoo-hoo! Ow! I haven't been so shocked since "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" won the Academy Award for Best Song. Yowza! Chloe's big problem now is figuring out what to call her new company, since I am fairly certain that "Chloe" is already taken, and believe you me, you don't want to get on Stella McCartney's bad side, as she will definitely cut you. Hmmm....perhaps you could go with Dao's Syndrome? Remains of the Dao? Live and Live Let Dao? The Dao of Pooh? No Dao? Ups-n-Daos? Dao By Law? Reasonable Dao? These ideas are being given to you gratis, Chloe, in gratitude for you beating the ruched pants off Santino Rice, although his mom was adorable, I must admit.

In other non-news, David Hasselhoff has crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of impressionable German youths by being accused of spousal abuse during his increasingly-ugly divorce. There's a joke in ther somewhere, but mainly I feel dirty even mentioning it.

Also, Friend of Felt Up Rebekah M. has sent in two highly disturbing reports. First, Katie Holmes has apparently become fast friends with Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, and wants her to be in the room with her when she gives birth to Rosemary's Baby, according to Life Style Extra of ye olde United Kingdom:
The screen beauty - who is expecting her first baby with fiancé Tom Cruise this year - reportedly wants the former Spice Girl to be by her side when she goes into labour.

A source told Britain's Grazia magazine: "Victoria and Katie have struck a real rapport ever since they were introduced by Tom and both of them are thrilled by the friendship.

"Victoria has become something of a mother hen to Katie, so when she was asked if she would be with her during the birth, she said yes straight away."

It actually makes sense, when you think about it. Tom's going to force Katie to have a silent, painkiller free Scientology nightmare labor, and Posh has nothing to say and makes people want to shut their eyes when they look at her, so you know, cheers Katie, wot wot. Well-played, lass!

The other tidbit from Rebekah concerns slutty cuckolder Jessica Simpson, who was supposedly dumped by Maroon 5's Adam Levine via a text message that read “Really busy. Need Space," according to my beloved Star:
It all started when Levine blew-off their Valentine’s Day date as Jess pressured him for answers. It took a while to sink in and when it did, she told her best friend, “I just got dumped.” And by text message, no less. Ouch!

Not that Simpson will have trouble finding companionship. A source tells Star that she and British heartthrob Jude Law have been calling each other non-stop – even though they’re thousands of miles apart.

Dude, it is time to revoke Jude Law's membership in the Screen Actors Guild and possibly the human race if this is true. Not since word leaked out that my other boyfriend Joaquin Phoenix may be cheating on me with rampant whore Lindsay Lohan have I felt so disgusted by a respected film thespian's hideous taste in women. Get help, Jude Law, I beseech you!

As for Joaquin, I simply refuse to believe that particular piece of gossip. But you are definitely on thin ice, mister. Thin ice, I say! Sure, bringing your ex-Christian-sex-cult-member mom to the Oscars may mitigate these horrfiying allegations, but only a bit. You have been warned! Don't bother to call, either. I won't be home! Harrumph.

A program note to regular Felt Up readers: The postings will continue to be uneven for the forseeable future, as I'm about to mail off my computer to the nerds at Apple for life-saving surgery, and will have to depend upon the kindness of strangers for my access to the Internets, but please, please, please don't give up on me! Like my muse Ms. Liza Minelli, I can't be kept down for long...

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Duck Blind

I know. I know, I know, I know. "Duck blind?" Terrible, yes. YES, I KNOW. I'm grasping at blind-item-pun straws, ladies and gentlemen! Straws, I say! The long, slow, painful demise of my iBook G3 has turned my brain to mush...

Anyhoo, today's blind item comes from the WOW Report, which asks:
What iconic actress from a showbiz family is so addicted to OxyContin that her longtime boyfriend has called it quits but she's OxyContinuing her habit anyway with fellow user, the editor-in-chief of a certain men's magazine?

Hmmm...when I hear the words "iconic actress," "showbiz family," and "OxyContin," I immediately think of the entertainer whose name rhymes with "Size-a Spinelli." (Yes, that's Size-a with a Z.) However, I haven't actually heard that she has had a longtime boyfriend since she divorced her hideous monster ex-husband, and I can't imagine any editor-in-chief of any magazine whatsoever as her new male companion, unless that editor-in-chief was Alan Cumming of the soon-to-be-launched Cumming: The Magazine, so I'm open to suggestions from my beloved readers. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Leave funny rhyming names, known painkiller addicts, and out-the-ass guesses in the comments box, if you please.

There's Always Time For Boobs

Well, I'm not dead, as some of you loyal readers may have been wondering (you both know who you are! mwah! mwah!), but my computer is. Or, rather, it lies in the land of the undead, as it miraculously came to life the same day the box arrived from Apple in which I was to send my wee laptop off for a life-saving operation. Now it lingers in Limbo, not quite dead, but on the brink, hovering, waiting, like me, for some sort of miracle--or quite possibly a disaster--to put it over the edge.

I also lost my cell phone and moved into to a new house, to join in blissful, holy unmarried cohabitation with Boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P., who sent me this photo of Lindsay Lohan's wardrbode malfunction:

Which just goes to show that no matter how many traumas one endures, there's always time for a brief boob interlude. I don't know when I'll be back to regular posting, but rest asssured that any breast-related news will be conveyed in a timely manner.