Friday, February 17, 2006

Unclean!


I have to fess up that this story has been making the rounds for a couple of days now, but it made me so nauseated that I just couldn't face it. But after downing a few fistfulls of Tums and swigging back a bottle or two of Mylanta, I feel ready to take it on. Prepare yourselves, people! Sit down, take some deep, cleansing breaths, find your inner peace, because this item may make you want to set yourself on fire. From the NY Daily News:
Troubled former Creed singer Scott Stapp may lose the last of his Christian disciples now that a sex tape has emerged in which he co-stars with Kid Rock.

Rock, 35, and Stapp, 32, do not have sex with each other on the tape, but they do trade jokes and share camera time as they get down with some strippers.

In one scene, Rock and Stapp are standing side by side as a pair of buxom babes pleasures them.

"This is my third," Stapp tells the cameraman. "It's good to be the king."

OK, let's pause here for a moment and collect ourselves. Breathe, dammit. Breathe! In-and-out, in-and-out...oh, that's a very poor choice of words. Just take in some air and then expel it.

Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm.

Cleansing thoughts, serenity now. Cleansing thoughts, serenity now.

Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm.

All righty. Let's see if we are ready to take on the rest of this report. Take this short test, and if you pass, we can continue:

1. I feel like my eyeballs should be plucked out and fed to wolves. YES/NO

2. I want to wear a hair shirt for the rest of my days, in addition to self-flagellation with a dirty noodle. YES/NO

3. Thoughts of any kind of sex fill my entire being with an urge to purify my soul in a ritual hari kari-style suicide. YES/NO

4. My mind is so far gone I can't remember how much I hate Creed anymore. YES/NO

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you are not ready to continue reading! Go back to your safe place! Become one with the universe through deep, deep breathing and meditation. If all else fails, take a roofie and sleep it off.

For those who did manage to pass the test, here's the rest of the sordid, horrific tale. Try to remember that you are going to be OK, that we are all part of the same universe of love, and that Creed hasn't had a hit record in quite some time:
The 20-minute tape is said to have been made six years ago after the rockers visited a Miami strip club. As if that isn't skeevy enough, they all have sex in a motor home - complete with fake-wood paneling.

David Josephs
, president of Red Light District Video and the man who brought you Paris Hilton's infamous "One Night in Paris," tells us the rockers also strip and that Kid Rock even takes his hat off - making this his first topless video!

"We'd like to release it sometime this year, but we have to go through some legal stuff first," says Josephs, who offers a taste of the tape at kidrocksextape.com.

Reps for the musicians "have not contacted us yet," says Josephs. "I think I did them a justice by doing this. If I hadn't, it would be all over the Internet by now." Rock's and Stapp's PR people declined comment when we called.

Josephs tells Us Weekly, "We acquired the tape from a third party."

When it comes to scandal, Stapp has been on a roll. Last Friday, he married former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat in Miami - only to get busted the next day for public intoxication at LAX airport. Last Thanksgiving, he got into a bar fight in Baltimore with the band 311. And back in December, he made a high-spirited appearance on Spike TV, where he insulted Bono and Dave Grohl.

His cocky comment about being "the king" is bound to remind Creed fans of the band's song "What's This Life For," on which Stapp croons: "We all live under the reign/ Of the one king - one king - one king!"

Back then, he was talking about Jesus.

Oh, dear God in heaven. They just had to mention the wood-panelling, didn't they? All that mantra-ing and inner peace and breathing just went right out the goddamn window!

AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH! I don't want to see! I don't want to hear! I don't want to think!

I don't want to live!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!



OK, mainly I don't want to see.

1 comment:

lang squal said...

I would like to bludgeon one of them to death with the other one.