Monday, February 20, 2006

Look What They Did To My Boy. Look What They Did To Santino!

Sorry, I can't help but use the headline to make a "Godfather" reference whenever possible. I'm only flesh and blood, people! I'm not made of stone.

Anyhoo, Salon has provided a link to the very best video clips of love-to-hate-him Santino Rice of the current "Project Runway." If you can get it to work, enjoy!

Also, Santino's personal website has some funny pictures of Kelly Ripa modeling some kind of crazy tinfoil outfit that he had to make for her in 45 minutes on the "Regis And Kelly" show. (There is also a link to an auction for Andrae's orange shorts! And links to photos of Santino's runway collection for the finale of the show! And photos of Santino at Red Lobster! Aw, hell, just go there and look for your damn self.)

Love Is Blind

It's time to play another edition of:



This week's items are courtesy of Page Six, which is "just asking":
WHICH irascible rocker has been dabbling with heroin? . . .

WHICH Hollywood hunk, who's said to be very well-endowed, pinch-hits for the other team? His ex-wife discovered that he two-timed her with women, but he also had some boys on the side.


"Irascible rocker"? That could be anyone...such as every member of the band whose name sounds like Hair-o-pith, not to mention The Foaling Groans--and everyone in between! I'm nonplussed. Is anyone out there up on their irascible rocker gossip?

The "well-endowed" hunk might be a person whose names rhymes with Mommy Pee, although the "Hollywood" part makes it seem like an actor, not a musician/bafoon, so who knows?

What say you, dear readers? Leave your snarky guesses and funny rhyming names in the comments box!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Unclean!


I have to fess up that this story has been making the rounds for a couple of days now, but it made me so nauseated that I just couldn't face it. But after downing a few fistfulls of Tums and swigging back a bottle or two of Mylanta, I feel ready to take it on. Prepare yourselves, people! Sit down, take some deep, cleansing breaths, find your inner peace, because this item may make you want to set yourself on fire. From the NY Daily News:
Troubled former Creed singer Scott Stapp may lose the last of his Christian disciples now that a sex tape has emerged in which he co-stars with Kid Rock.

Rock, 35, and Stapp, 32, do not have sex with each other on the tape, but they do trade jokes and share camera time as they get down with some strippers.

In one scene, Rock and Stapp are standing side by side as a pair of buxom babes pleasures them.

"This is my third," Stapp tells the cameraman. "It's good to be the king."

OK, let's pause here for a moment and collect ourselves. Breathe, dammit. Breathe! In-and-out, in-and-out...oh, that's a very poor choice of words. Just take in some air and then expel it.

Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm.

Cleansing thoughts, serenity now. Cleansing thoughts, serenity now.

Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm. Ohmmmm.

All righty. Let's see if we are ready to take on the rest of this report. Take this short test, and if you pass, we can continue:

1. I feel like my eyeballs should be plucked out and fed to wolves. YES/NO

2. I want to wear a hair shirt for the rest of my days, in addition to self-flagellation with a dirty noodle. YES/NO

3. Thoughts of any kind of sex fill my entire being with an urge to purify my soul in a ritual hari kari-style suicide. YES/NO

4. My mind is so far gone I can't remember how much I hate Creed anymore. YES/NO

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you are not ready to continue reading! Go back to your safe place! Become one with the universe through deep, deep breathing and meditation. If all else fails, take a roofie and sleep it off.

For those who did manage to pass the test, here's the rest of the sordid, horrific tale. Try to remember that you are going to be OK, that we are all part of the same universe of love, and that Creed hasn't had a hit record in quite some time:
The 20-minute tape is said to have been made six years ago after the rockers visited a Miami strip club. As if that isn't skeevy enough, they all have sex in a motor home - complete with fake-wood paneling.

David Josephs
, president of Red Light District Video and the man who brought you Paris Hilton's infamous "One Night in Paris," tells us the rockers also strip and that Kid Rock even takes his hat off - making this his first topless video!

"We'd like to release it sometime this year, but we have to go through some legal stuff first," says Josephs, who offers a taste of the tape at kidrocksextape.com.

Reps for the musicians "have not contacted us yet," says Josephs. "I think I did them a justice by doing this. If I hadn't, it would be all over the Internet by now." Rock's and Stapp's PR people declined comment when we called.

Josephs tells Us Weekly, "We acquired the tape from a third party."

When it comes to scandal, Stapp has been on a roll. Last Friday, he married former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat in Miami - only to get busted the next day for public intoxication at LAX airport. Last Thanksgiving, he got into a bar fight in Baltimore with the band 311. And back in December, he made a high-spirited appearance on Spike TV, where he insulted Bono and Dave Grohl.

His cocky comment about being "the king" is bound to remind Creed fans of the band's song "What's This Life For," on which Stapp croons: "We all live under the reign/ Of the one king - one king - one king!"

Back then, he was talking about Jesus.

Oh, dear God in heaven. They just had to mention the wood-panelling, didn't they? All that mantra-ing and inner peace and breathing just went right out the goddamn window!

AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH! I don't want to see! I don't want to hear! I don't want to think!

I don't want to live!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!



OK, mainly I don't want to see.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Somewhere, Mother Teresa Is Spinning In Her Grave

Lots of Paris "P-Hole" Hilton news today, like it or not. (Mainly "or not," I'm sure.)

First up, Page Six reports that P-Hole's latest Greek shipping heir boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos III, has dumped her bony, talentless ass:
IS Paris Hilton flying solo? Sources say her beau Stavros Niarchos, whose parents refused to acknowledge her existence in their son's life, has left her.

Of course her reps deny this is the case, but since she isn't capable of holding on to her Greeks for very long, it's only a matter of time.

In other non-news about a non-person, WENN says, in all apparent seriousness (and I carefully checked and made sure it isn't April Fools Day), that P-Hole has been short-listed to play Mother Teresa in a new biopic:
Socialite Paris Hilton has reportedly been asked to play celebrated humanitarian Mother Teresa in a movie biopic. Indian director T. Rajeevnath has contacted the hotel heiress about taking the lead role in his new film, which will chronicle the late nun's life.

He tells MTV.co.uk, "My agents in California have contacted Paris Hilton. Although there are several actresses willing to play the role of Mother Teresa, the most widely respected and loved person, the history of the actress who is finally chosen for the role would have to be analyzed thoroughly before she is chosen."

I don't really know anything about this T. Rajeevnath, but I suspect that a) this is all a publicity stunt, and he has no intention of casting the P-Hole as the saintly nun, and b) that T. Rajeevnath does not exist, and this is some kind of cruel joke on Christians being played by Islamic fundamentalists still smarting about those Danish cartoons. But, you know, I could be wrong. At this very moment, P-Hole could very well be delving deep into her Method Acting training, to tap into her inner virginal, selfless nun, ready to yank off her extensions, shelve that fake tan, and plunge waist-deep into a sea of Calcutta lepers to give them solace, comfort, and if necessary, a well-deserved peek at her crotchtal region, all in the name of getting into character. I hear the habit she's having made by Heatherette is stunning...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!


Mwah!

Check out the other great valentines at The Gallery of the Absurd.

Since You Been Gone, I Can Decorate For The First Time

Felt Up postings may be few and far between in the upcoming days, as my internets are having issues. Issues, I say! Stupid SBC, which obviously cares nothing for les belles lettres, cut off my phone and my DSL two weeks earlier than planned, thereby hindering my snarky gossiping abilities. I'm currently mooching off a neighbor's wireless, which feels so right in must be very, very wrong.

Anyhoo, Friend of Felt Up Lucinda S. sent in this link to the real estate listing of the butt fugly former home of singing sensation Kelly Clarkson. Huzzah!

Yes, the good news is that for a mere $358,000, you can buy a tiny piece of "American Idol" history! The bad news is you have to live in a truly hideous McMansion monstrosity in Mansfield, Texas. Well worth it, if you ask me. Mr. Richard M., perhaps you should consider this dwelling for the future site of our communal Spinster's Manse? It is in your neck o' the woods, after all.



On second thought, maybe we should wait until Clay Aiken's pied a terre goes on the market...

Monday, February 13, 2006

Long Shots!

Sorry, kiddos, it's an extremely slow day for non-news. The only remotely interesting story today was an item in Page Six about Janet Jackson being forced by her record label to drop 20 pounds or they won't release her new cd. Poor thing! I have long known that she likes to hide herself away while she fattens up between records, but now the (fat) cat is out of the bag, I guess.

Anyway, who cares? DICK CHENEY SHOT SOMEONE IN THE FACE!

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And the victim was from my hometown of Austin!

It's like a joke from "The Daily Show" come to life. Yippee! I mean, I'm sorry the multimillionaire Republican bigwig lawyer got shot because he didn't follow hunting protocol and "announce" when he came upon the group of hunters--can you imagine not being extra-super-duper careful around an armed Dick Cheney?--but still. It is just too, too delightful for words.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Adams Family

Lindsay Lohan, who, you might remember, fell down and cut herself in a freak "teacup accident" at "rocker" Bryan Adams' London home a while back, is now allegedly dating Ryan Adams, according to WENN:
Lindsay Lohan may have found a new man in the shape of rocker Ryan Adams. The actress/singer, who was recently romantically linked to her Chapter 27 co-star Jared Leto, has been quietly dating Adams for a month, according to American magazine In Touch. A pal tells the publication, "She's spending all her free time with him. She has been staying at his Greenwich Village (New York) apartment almost every night. She thinks musicians are sexy and she's a fan of his music."

I wonder if she meant to visit Ryan Adams all along, and staged the teacup thing to find a way out of her oh-my-God-I'm-at-BRYAN-ADAMS-house-by-mistake-maybe-I-can-make-my-crazy-mom-sleep-with-him predicament. The whole thing might have been a hilarious comedy of errors, a la Oscar Wilde!

Although looking at the pictures, I'm not exactly sure that Ryan--while being younger and somewhat hipper...

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


...is any hotter than ole Bryan, although I'm not as freaked out by pocked skin as some people:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

I mean, you know, if one were forced to choose. Shudder.

Maybe her crazy mom Dina will marry Bryan, and Lindsay can marry Ryan, and she can be Lindsay Lohan Adams Adams...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Madge/Mimi Grudge Match!

The NY Daily News is reporting that there's really, really no love lost between uber-divas Madonna and Mariah Carey:
There better be plenty of distance between the dressing rooms of Madonna and Mariah Carey at tomorrow's Grammys.

We told you three weeks ago that Madonna would perform at the awards. We didn't know then how much she'd rankle Miss Carey.

Mariah, who is nominated for eight Grammys, "really wanted to open the show with her choir-backed rendition of 'We Belong Together,'" an insider tells us.

Unfortunately, Madonna also wanted to kick off the broadcast — or else she wasn't coming, she's said to have told Grammy producers.

Even though Madonna's smash "Confessions on a Dancefloor" wasn't nominated for any Grammys, the producers gave in. They're said to be betting that her dance extravaganza, featuring the British group Gorillaz, will hook viewers early and hard.

"The producers noted that Madge is a five-time winner," reported a source.

But Carey, the comeback queen who has picked up only two Grammys to date, is reportedly vexed.

"The war between Madonna and Mariah has been going on for years," says a source. "Mariah was also steaming last summer when Madonna stole the show at Live 8."

Oh. My. God. I can't believe they picked the old lady over the crazy! I wonder who would win if they really got down and started (literally) bitch-slapping each other. On the one hand, Madonna is all ropey and muscle-y, not to mention extremely tense after starving herself for the past 25 or so years. But Mariah's got a good twenty pounds on Madge, plus she's been to the edge of sanity and back again, so you just never know....Let's have a poll, shall we? Haven't done one of those in a while!

Who would win a grudge match?
Madonna. She's the scariest woman this side of Lauren Bacall!
Mariah. She's a nutty nutball!
It would be a tie. Extreme fitness and crazy cancel each other out.
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


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Monday, February 06, 2006

Karl Krap!

From the NY Daily News comes this delightful report about everyone's favorite sneering Teutonic formerly-fat snob, Karl Lagerfeld:
There could a doozy of a catfight the next time Karl Lagerfeld crosses paths with Elton John. The Chanel designer viciously disses Elton's beloved Princess Diana in the new issue of New York magazine.

"She was pretty and she was sweet, but she was stupid," declares Lagerfeld, who apparently never heard about not speaking ill of the dead.

He much prefers Prince Charles' new wife. "The public does not know who Camilla is," he tells interviewer Vanessa Grigoriadis. "She is the life of the party! She's sparkling, she's witty, she's ready for everything, and not pretentious, not one bit. If you had to make a choice to live with somebody, this is the one."

Lagerfeld, who's expected in New York for fashion week, might want to steer clear of Lindsay Lohan, who's shooting in town.

The high-collared 67-year-old fashion baron dismisses rumors that the "Mean Girls" star might be the new face of Chanel. "I prefer Nicole Kidman and that generation," Lagerfeld says dryly.

He also won't be inviting Christina Aguilera back for a photo shoot. One member of his team remarks, "She is horrible! She did not even kiss Karl good-bye. She just sticks out her head from the door, 'Bye!'"

Then again, if you see him at Bryant Park, don't try to be too affectionate.

"In the whole world, there is nowhere I can go," the designer says. "In Japan, they touch me. I have Japanese women pinch my a—, so now I must say, 'You can have the photo, but please don't touch me.' You cannot pinch the a— of a man my age!"

And those dark sunglasses of his aren't just for protection from the sun.

"I cannot go out without something for my eyes, because someone might throw chemicals in my face."

Perhaps he's thinking of the animal activists who detest him for his furs.

At a recent Fendi party, a dreadlocked white guy snarled at him, "Blood for money, that's what Karl Lagerfeld wants. Karl is greedy! Karl is evil! Karl is wicked! Karl is … the Devil!"

The designer puckered his lips and replied, "You eat meat and wear leather, so shut up. I have no time for zis foolishness."

Wow. I had no idea that Karl had stolen my favorite expression, "I have no time for zis foolishness." I say that, like, 500 times a day. That's ok, though. I still heart Karl for being such a bitch. To quote Olympia Dukakis in "Steel Magnolias" (as is my wont): If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me!


Karl!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Another Camelot Comes To An End

A moment of silence, please, as we pay our respects for the end of yet another era.

CNN is reporting that Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are filing for divorce:
After 11 years of marriage, actress Heather Locklear has filed for divorce from rocker Richie Sambora, her publicist said Thursday.

"This is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time," CeCe Yorke said in a statement...

Locklear and Sambora were married in 1994. Their daughter, Ava Elizabeth, is 8.

We still have our memories, I suppose. My favorite is when Triumph The Insult Comic Dog asked Heather if Richie "feathered his pubes." I think we all know the answer to that.

Sambora/Locklear Holy Sacred Matrimony, RIP.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Next Up: Paris Hilton Hurt In Coke Spoon Incident

Just now saw the best CNN headline ever:

"Lindsay Lohan Injured in Teacup Accident"

The convoluted and highly improbable story:
Lindsay Lohan was treated at a London hospital last week after she cut her leg in an accident at Bryan Adams' home, according to published reports.

The 19-year-old "Mean Girls" star had 10 stitches to close a gash on her shin after she slipped on a set of stairs Friday. Lohan was released from the hospital later that day, the reports said.

"She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," her mother, Dina Lohan, was quoted as telling Star magazine.

"She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery. The teacup went flying, it was shattered, and one of the pieces cut Lindsay in her shin. It was an accident."

Bryan has now been inspired to release a new, updated version of his classic hit "Cuts Like A Knife," with different lyrics:

And it cuts like a cup
But it feels like love
Na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na

No word yet what in God's name Lindsay Lohan and a gaggle of her gal pals were doing having a slumber/tea party at Bryan Adams' house...



Anyone out there want to write some additional "Cuts Like A Cup" lyrics? If so, please leave them in the comments box! This blog isn't going to write itself, people!