Thursday, January 19, 2006

She Puts The Pee In Paris

Friend of Felt Up Lucinda S. sent in this shall we say urgent report of Paris "P-Hole" Hilton's urinary incontinence problems:
Paris Hilton's publicists are trying to silence a Hawaiian taxi driver who claims the socialite urinated in his cab. Harden Jamison tells the National Enquirer the hotel heiress was too drunk to notice that she pissed on herself when he picked her and boyfriend Stavros Niarchos up after a party in Maui. The understandably disgusted cab driver claimes he mopped up the mess with a towel and plans to use Hilton's own DNA as evidence against her.

Ack! I hope she left a big tip! Luckily for the poor cab driver, there is a veritable plethora of this girl's DNA all over the place to campare his evidence with: In the bathroom stalls at Bungalow 8, on Rick Saloman's back seat, on the ends of rolled-up hundred dollar bills...really, the list is endless.

Here's a little free advice, Miss P-Hole: Invest in some underpants. They may seem like antiquated relics from Olden Times--much like such outdated concepts as "class" and "dignity"--but sometimes these garments can be a gal's best friend--say, when lifting up your dress on a red carpet and exposing your labia to a bank of photographers--and at the very least they soak up a little squirt or two when you've had ten too many Diet Coke and Bacardis. And if you're really feeling like lettin' loose, there's always another way to go...

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