Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Hohan Speaks!

The WOW Report has this awesome summary of the juicy interview with Lindsay Lohan in the new Vanity Fair:
• Forcing herself to throw up, she became so bulimic that she couldn't stand the sight of her own body. "I was making myself sick," she says – literally. It was Lorne Michaels who staged an intervention after she appeared on SNL. "I saw that [show] after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms. . . . I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it."

• She saw a paparazzi photo of herself in a tabloid wearing a "great whore's dress" and "looked at it and was like, 'Jesus Christ.' "

• She tried retail therapy, once spending $100,000 in one day.

* She used drugs "a little" but has since "gotten that out of my system. . . . I don't want people to think that I've done. . . You know what I mean? It's kind of a sore subject."

• She smothered her first love, Wilmer Valderrama, with so many of her problems that it ruined their relationship. She says she had no one else to go to.

• She's attracted to older guys like Johnny Depp, whom she finds edgy and dirty. She and Jared Leto, her costar in Chapter 27, the movie about John Lennon's assassination, are "great friends."

Well, normally I would feel just the teeniest bit of sympathy for this weary, old-before-her-time party animal/bulemic--and she does sound at least a little self-aware and humorous--but not this time. No, siree! Because I just read in my new Star that this dirty whore has been seen cavorting around with my beloved, my adored, my true crush, Joaquin Phoenix.

Listen, Missy. you can do whatever sordid, vile thing you want with the likes of Wilmer "Gag" Valderrama or Jared "Man Slut" Leto, but when you begin canoodling with my Joaquin--there's going to be hell to pay! As The Dude would say, this aggression will not stand, Lohan!

And just because I am about to enter the world of non-married cohabitation with boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P., that does not mean that I won't cut you! You think you know pain because your daddy drove his car into a wall and beat up a garbage man? You don't know the meaning of the word until you've had a can of Felt Up whoop-ass opened up on your scrawny behind! Back away from the Phoenix, beyotch!

I walk the line!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I got a baseball bat with a nail in it if she needs some reminding to step off!!! That skanky wind sock needs to find somebody else to drag down! Why JP would cavort with the likes of her makes me question my own feelings for him. Next thing you know he'll be getting engaged to Scarlett Johanson and I will not stand for that. Talk about "slim" pickins....Sheesh! erica