Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Britney's Number One!



It's that time of the year again! Mr. Blackwell presents his annual Worst-Dressed List! Let the bitchery begin!
1. BRITNEY SPEARS: “When it comes to couture chaos, this tacky terror should take a bow – looks like an over-the-hill Lolita. From the princess of pop to the ultimate fashion flop.”
2. MARY-KATE OLSEN: “In bag lady rags that look depressingly decayed – forget the accessories and buy some Raid.”
3. JESSICA SIMPSON: “It’s time to sack the stylist and divorce the designer… she re
4. EVA LONGORIA: “Gorgeous face, garish taste… what a waste.”
5. MARIAH CAREY: “The world applauds your musical emancipation… but please – leave that body to our imagination.”
6. PARIS HILTON: “The Burger Queen Sensation may be very rich – but she looks like yesterday’s cheesecake… with a side of kitsch.”
7. ANNA NICOLE SMITH: “Queen Kong in cheap lingerie.”
8. SHAKIRA: “Coiffure by Medusa… clothes by the Marquis De Sade.”
9. LINDSAY LOHAN: “The Teen Scream defines Fashion Fright – looks like she’s aged 30 years overnight.”
10. RENEE ZELLWEGER: “Runs the gamut from Kewpi Doll Dreck to Red Carpet Wreck… she looks like a painted pumpkin on a pogo stick.”

Poor ole Brit. No surprise there, I suppose. And I'm glad Mr. Blackwell--unlike everyone else on Earth--has not been drugged and/or hypnotized into believing Jessica Simpson is a well-dressed lady. (It's not even that the clothes themselves are so bad, it's just that on her they always seem so cheap.) And what's not to love about his description of Renee Zellweger as a "painted pumpkin on a pogo stick"?

Still, does Mr. Blackwell really think Lindsay Lohan is a worse dresser than, say, Venus Williams? And where the hell is Gwen Stefani on this list? Everything she wears looks like a blind, developmentally-impaired teenager stole it from a Gadzooks clearance sale, for God's sakes!

In other non-news, I dearly hope that Jennifer Aniston decides to drown her sorrows in some carb craziness today, now that Angelina Jolie is officially pregnant with the fruit of Brad "Am I The Only Person Alive Who Finds Him Unattractive?" Pitt's loins.

Come on, Jen! Angelina has a bun in the oven, so you should shove some buns into your mouth! Go get a loaf of Wonder Bread and some peanut butter and jelly and maybe some Lil' Debbies and a pint or two of Young's Double Chocolate Stout and live a little! Embrace the shame spiral! And then tomorrow you can go right back to your "Lettuce Leaf and Parsley Sprig Dressing-Free Salad Plus Three Ounces of Completely Dry Lean Fish, Three Thousand Glasses of Water, and Four Thousand Cigarettes Diet" or whatever.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

wha? i thought anj and brad were just good friends....who knew. erica