Monday, January 30, 2006

Star Wants The SWATs Called In: Spears Weight Attacker Team

I cannot stop laughing at my new Star magazine, which posed the following poll question:

"Do you think it's time for Britney's friends and family to stage an eating intervention?"

The poll was next to an article about Britney's weight soaring to the 140 pound mark, as she drowns her manifold marital woes in fried chicken, milkshakes, and cheeseburgers.

And America answered: Hell to the NO.

Yes, a majority of poll-takers said, "Gee, no, thanks, Star, we don't think it's necessary to force Britney Spears family and friends to stage an emergency intervention and pry the ginormous frappuccino out of her Cheeto-stained hands."

Because although 140 pounds is deemed a shocking, shocking weight by Hollywood standards, it is quite svelte by the standards of normal, God-fearing American fatty fatpants. And you know what? We love our Spears in all her chubby, acne-covered, barefoot-in-the-public-bathroom, slogan-beshirted glory. Don't go changin' to try and please those mean ole magazines, Brit!

Plus, if I were married to K-Fed, I'd weigh three hundred and forty pounds, just to keep him the hell away from me.

For once, the people have spoken, and I agree with them!

The Blind Leading The Blind

Yes, it's that time again, when we take a stroll into the land of wild speculation and random accusation that I like to call...

This time, Page Six is "just asking":
WHICH British actor is said to be battling the dual demons of crystal meth and heroin? He already underwent a top-secret rehab stay, but his handlers are worried about him again after his zombie-like appearance at a recent awards gala.

Hmmm...I would say the actor whose name rhymes with Pantony Mopkins, but he actually seemed more tipsy than high at at the Golden Globes. Any thoughts? Musings? Funny rhyming names? Leave them in the comment box!

The Winnah!

Before I announce the winner, I'd just like to take a wee moment to say how proud I am of all the mean-spirited anti-Madonna vitriol that burst forth from loyal Felt Up readers in response to this truly horrifying photo. You hate her! You really, really hate her! And I couldn't be prouder.

This was a very difficult decision to make; each caption was brilliant in its own special, snarkulous way. But, much like Sophie's Choice, I am forced to make a brutal decision, and so I choose:

Shane McGowan leaves John Hopkins after a succesful surgery. (alfie romero)

Honorale Mention goes to one of my all-time favorite naughty Simpsons' quote, which, FYI, could probably win every single caption contest, no matter what the subject at hand:

Nibbles, chew through my ball sack! (anonymous)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Caption Contest!

Thanks to the WOW Report for directing Felt Up's attention to this photo of Madonna at a recent fashion show in Paris:

Call me mean, but I think this picture of what the Mirror called a "ropey"-looking Madge makes for an excellent caption contest! Leave snarktastic remarks in the comments box, as per usual. Good luck!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Chris Penn, RIP

Oh, God. Mom and brother of Felt Up both just called in the report that one of my all-time favorite actors, Chris Penn, has died, and they knew I'd be upset, which I am. According to Yahoo News:
Actor Chris Penn has died in a Santa Monica residence, with no signs of foul play, a local ABC television affiliate reported on Tuesday.

Penn, 43, was the brother of actor Sean Penn and starred in dozens of films.

He played baby-faced criminal Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in director Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" and starred along with his brother in the 1986 film "At Close Range." He also played Willard Hewitt in "Footloose" in 1984.

Yes, and he was also great in "The Wild Life" (in which he uttered the immortal line "It's casual!"), as well as in "True Romance," "Short Cuts," "Mulholland Falls," and was especially brilliant in Abel Ferrara's "The Funeral." He was such an underrated actor, a real talent, not to one of my favorite things in the world--a big lug.

I am heartbroken.

Did Marlon Get A Piece of the Rock?

Friends of Felt Up Terri R. and Rebekah M. sent in feverish e-mails about a scintillating report on The Supericial:
A new biography of Marlon Brando reportedly features a photograph of the star engaging in oral sex with another man. The book, Brando Unzipped, says "From Rock Hudson to Vivien Leigh, from Bette Davis to Cary Grant, Brando slept around, even managing to seduce two of America's First Ladies." Publishing group Blood Moon insist the image of Brando and a male lover is treated "tastefully". A spokesperson said, "We ran it at a tasteful two inches by one and three-quarter inches on page 404."

Here's the link to the photo in question, which is beyond NSFW, unless you work at a gay video store. If it is Marlon, then it looks like the photo was taken before he had his nose broken, which I remember from my fifth grade book report on Bud: A Biography of Marlon Brando. We had to make a boardgame about our favorite book, so I made one called Marlonopoly, which I still have and like to take out and admire every once in a while, as is my wont. Anyhoo, I wish I could remember how old he was when it happened, but I'm pretty sure it was after he moved to New York.

I only wish the other person's identity was also revealed. It appears to be somebody African-American, although that could just be the lighting. I guess that rules out Rock Hudson. I would totally plotz if it turned out to be Harry Belafonte or somebody. Yowza!

Here's a good view of the nose after being broken, and it's from "On the Waterfront," Terri R.'s fave:

Celeb Sex Math!

Page Six reports that:
Britney Spears stole away Shar Jackson's babies' daddy, Kevin Federline, so Jackson has struck back by sleeping with Spears' ex-husband, Jason Alexander. Jackson showed up at the 25th-birthday party for singer Ray J, Brandy's younger brother, in L.A. Saturday night with Spears' redneck ex-hubby in tow. A spy says, "They made out all night before going upstairs to the off-limits bedroom area of the house." The rumpled duo rejoined the party an hour later, we hear - much to the surprise of Brandy and her new beau, Nick Cannon.

OK, let's figure this out. If Shar had sex with K-Fed, and K-Fed had sex with Britney, and Britney had sex with Jason, then in sexual trigonometry, they've now all had sex with themselves, right? And Shar has done it with Britney and K-Fed has made sweet love to Jason? QED. I think. All I know for certain is that I feel slightly ill...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Frost Melts!

Oooh, goodie! Some delightful gossip from across the pond! According to the Sunday Mirror:
JUDE Law and Sienna Miller have finally split for good - because the Hollywood star is moving back in with his ex-wife Sadie Frost.

Beautiful Sienna, 24, was left shattered when Jude, 33, told her of his and Sadie's plans to share a house together for a month while he films his new movie, Holiday, in California.

Sadie, 38, and their children will join Jude in Los Angeles in a few weeks time.

But Layer Cake beauty Sienna has been left devastated by the turn of events and vented her fury in a screaming match with film hunk Jude.

A close friend said: "Sienna went absolutely ballistic when Jude told her Sadie and the kids would be staying with him. She screamed and shouted, giving him the real hairdryer treatment.

"She told him: 'You've set up home all over again with your ex-wife. If that's what you are prepared to do, you should just go back to her'. Now Jude says it's definitely over for good and that he wants something different in his life."

I always knew that underpants-designer Sadie would eventually outfox poor Sienna. She seems like a wily plotter and schemer, while Sienna just kind of looks dazed and out of her league most of the time. Will this break-up last? Will Sienna send in a foxy undercover nanny to ensnare Jude? Will she finally give up on him and get with much craggier, and thus much hotter, Daniel Craig? Will someone explain the phrase "full hairdryer treatment" to me? Stay tuned!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Yet More Signs Of The Impending Apocalypse

Boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P. sent in this bone-chilling report from WENN:
Supermodel Kate Moss has found a new man to keep her company while she avoids returning Britain after her drugs scandal - fellow rehab survivor Jack Osbourne.

The pair were spotted dancing together at a post-Golden Globe Awards party at Teddy's nightclub inside Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel on Monday night.

Moss, 32, and Osbourne, 20, have been pals for some time, but onlookers suspect a romance may have bloomed - and a spokesman for the reality TV star insists Osbourne is keen on the catwalk queen.

The representative says, "Jack and Kate have known each other for a while. There have been rumors of a romance for quite a while. I asked him about these about a year ago and he was very coy. He left me with the idea he wouldn't be against the idea."

Moss was recently linked to 20-year-old former English public schoolboy James Burke after spending the New Year with him in Aspen, Colorado. Before that she dated rocker Pete Doherty.

Dear God. I can't really think of much to say, except that a) Kate has incredibly poor taste in men (with the exception of Johnny Depp, of course, but that must have been some sort of prolonged blackout on her part) and b) she sure likes 'em young! But mainly I just want to pluck my eyeballs out and wear a hair shirt for a few weeks while washing my hands in scalding water.

Unclean! I am unclean!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

She Puts The Pee In Paris

Friend of Felt Up Lucinda S. sent in this shall we say urgent report of Paris "P-Hole" Hilton's urinary incontinence problems:
Paris Hilton's publicists are trying to silence a Hawaiian taxi driver who claims the socialite urinated in his cab. Harden Jamison tells the National Enquirer the hotel heiress was too drunk to notice that she pissed on herself when he picked her and boyfriend Stavros Niarchos up after a party in Maui. The understandably disgusted cab driver claimes he mopped up the mess with a towel and plans to use Hilton's own DNA as evidence against her.

Ack! I hope she left a big tip! Luckily for the poor cab driver, there is a veritable plethora of this girl's DNA all over the place to campare his evidence with: In the bathroom stalls at Bungalow 8, on Rick Saloman's back seat, on the ends of rolled-up hundred dollar bills...really, the list is endless.

Here's a little free advice, Miss P-Hole: Invest in some underpants. They may seem like antiquated relics from Olden Times--much like such outdated concepts as "class" and "dignity"--but sometimes these garments can be a gal's best friend--say, when lifting up your dress on a red carpet and exposing your labia to a bank of photographers--and at the very least they soak up a little squirt or two when you've had ten too many Diet Coke and Bacardis. And if you're really feeling like lettin' loose, there's always another way to go...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Fall of a Leif is a Whisper to the Living

Poor ole Leif Garrett. The man whose "Behind The Music" episode I will forever cherish as a paragon of reality tv at its finest (and most bizarre), was arrested in Los Angeles for not having a train ticket in a railway station and also for, you know, drugs. The LA Times reports:

According to deputies, Garrett was detained after he was found to be without a ticket to ride the rail system. A check turned up suspected narcotics and the warrant for his arrest, officials said.

Garrett was booked and assigned to the jail Sunday.

Los Angeles police in 1999 arrested the bandanna-wearing musician in the MacArthur Park area after he allegedly tried to buy narcotics from undercover officers.

In 1979, Garrett was behind the wheel of a Porsche and allegedly under the influence of beer and drugs when he rear-ended a car, leaving his passenger disabled.

That was no ordinairy passenger, though! That was a "promising young disco dancer" who grew up to be the highlight of the "Leif Garrett: Behind The Music," in which he a) forgave Leif for ending his career and putting him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and b) freaked out the viewing audience with his ghoulish demeanor. Ahh, the glory days of "BTM"!

Anyway, I feel sort of sorry for Leif, even though he's proven himself to be a rather arrogant and hateful sort of pathetic drug addict, not the fun, kicky kind of has-been drug abuser like, say, Courtney Love (who is loathesome, but entertaining, in a horrible, soul-crushing way).

I never actually understood his appeal, even at the height of his Tiger Beat success. As a tiny child, I thought to myself, "He looks like a girl. And not a very cute girl, either, unlike, say, Shawn Cassidy." I did, however, enjoy his work as Kristy MacNichols' boyfriend/beard on "Family," which was my favorite show at the time. Whatever happened to Quinn Cummings, by the way? She was so great on "Family" and "The Goodbye Girl," and then she totally disappeared. As, did, actually, Kristy MacNichols, come to think of it. I loved the dad on that show, too; he was played by Matthew Broderick's dad, James Broderick, but he died pretty young, maybe even during the show, if I remember correctly. (Although I have been known to be wrong, very occassionally.) Matthew and SJP's little kid is named James after him. Sniff. Sniff....Oh, boy, it must be getting a little dusty in here! Can't think of any other reason to be tearing up around the eyes...

Where was I? Oh, right, right. Leif Garrett. Poor guy, having his remarkably awful mugshot splashed all over the LA Times and the Internets and whatnot. Here's a picture of him back in the glory days with a certain young lady who is pretty much unrecognizable now in her current incarnation. Who can guess her name? Whoever comments the right answer first will receive bragging rights and my eternal admiration!

Here's a hint: She's no longer young and fresh-faced!

Blinded By The Light, Revved Up Like A Douche In The Middle of the Night

Yes, those are the lyrics I heard in that Manfred Mann song of yesteryear. I still don't know what the actual words are, but they can't be much more satisfying. I think Bruce Springsteen wrote that song--or am I crazy?

Anyhoo, it's been a week jam-packed with blind items! Yippee!

Here's the newest round. Page Six is "just asking":
WHICH cuckolded cutie suffered an additional heartbreak when she decided to abort her child?...

WHICH downtown photographer, a descendant of one of the nation's wealthiest families, has his art world pals worried sick about his newfound fixation with shooting heroin?...

WHICH high-tech billionaire keeps his massive yacht stocked with expensive escorts?...

WHICH pop strumpet preferred a certain kind of sexual intercourse, which let her technically maintain her virgin status, with her various hookups before she married her current husband?

OK. The first one might be the English actress whose name rhymes with Pee-Henna Swiller.

The second one...I don't know. I'm not very up on my downtown photographers and their family histories; the only one I've even heard of rhymes with Hattrick HickHullan, but who knows if his family is rich? Not me! Anyone out there know?

The third item might be the co-founder of the company that sounds like Like No Boffed. I believe the man, whose name rhymes with Maul Fallon, is rather a swinger, and owns a ginormous yacht.

Now, the last one is tricky. Trick-trick-tricky! It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time it's tricky! Sorry. Sometimes I can't help but break out into old Run DMC jams. They just naturally pop into my head immediately following Manfred Mann's Earth Band. It could happen to anyone! Just be glad you won't be around when I break into my Billy Squier routine, complete with short-shorts and curly wig. All right! Sheesh. Back to the matter at hand, if I must. This could either be the pop strumpet whose name rhymes with Pitney Queers, or quite possibly the pop strumpet whose name sounds Messy-Blah Wimpson (who is technically still married to Dick LaGay).

Come on, people! Help me out here. Got any ideas on these burning issues of our time? Funnier rhyming names? It takes a village, don't forget! Leave me something in the comment box, pronto! Stroke me, stroke me. Stroke!

Monday, January 16, 2006

I Would Rather Go Blind Than To See You Reading Another Blog

No, not really. I'm just always grasping at cleverish "blind item"-related straws. Straws, I say!

Anyhoo, here are the questions that Page Six is "just asking" this week:
WHICH pop-singing sensation likes to troll the Internet for gay quickies? After one unsafe session, his homo hook-up contacted a tabloid to sell his sordid story and offered a DNA-encrusted washcloth as proof. If the truth comes out, the singing idol's fans, mostly middle-aged housewives, will be very upset...

WHICH Oscar-winning actor is repeatedly unfaithful? He sleeps around so much, it's taking a toll on his long-suffering wife, a former beauty now looking stressed-out...

WHICH handsome network anchorman was holding hands with his former girlfriend, a model/actress, in Toronto? It wouldn't matter - if he hadn't reconciled with his wife.

OK, the first one is, as far as I can tell, the same old story about the "idol" whose name rhymes with Fey Shakin'. The second one, I do believe, refers to the humorless actor whose name rhymes with Yawn Men, and his decidedly stressed-out looking wife, Bobbin' Kite Men. The last one? I don't really know anything about anchormen. And are any of them actually "handsome," besides Anderson Cooper? And he is, I'm pretty sure, a confirmed bachelor, as they say...Maybe the fiery Latino anchorman from South of the Border whose name rhymes with Whore-hay Damone? He's hunky, and probably married. Hmmm...

Got any ideas out there? Funny rhyming names? Leave 'em in the comment box, for God's sake!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

RIP, Shelley Winters

So sad to report that we have lost one of our great movie stars, two-time Oscar-winner Shelley Winters, to heart failure at the age of 83 (or possibly 85--a lady never tells).

It always makes me mad when people only remember her as the fat lady running around "The Poseidon Adventure," because she was such a bombshell for most of her career, not to mention a really fine actor. Of all her many great roles--from the pregnant factory worker in "A Place In The Sun," to the middle-aged American hottie in "Alfie," to Roseanne's grandmother--I will always have a special place in my heart for her incredible performance as Ma Barker in "Bloody Mama."

From the NY Times obit:
Even when she became the dominating force in many of her later movies, Ms. Winters often played vulnerable monsters. As Ma Barker in the 1970 cult classic "Bloody Mama" - in which she is first seen giving her four grown sons their Saturday-night baths - she was murderously maternal while brandishing a tommy gun.

Robert DeNiro's screen debut was his role as Ma Barker's junkie son, who dies of an overdose. (The two had an offscreen affair, according to her book. Huzzah!)

The Times goes on to note that:
Shrieking, shrewish, slutty or silly, Ms. Winters always seemed larger than life on screen.

There will never be another Shelley.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I've Got Good News And Bad News.

You want the bad news first? OK! Gwyneth Paltrow has confirmed she is having a second baby, so get ready for Bump Porn and Baby Name Mania ad nauseum in the tabloids for the forseeable future. The good news, according to WENN?
The Shakespeare In Love beauty has told fans she will not be working on any movies in the foreseeable future while she concentrates on raising her 20-month-old daughter Apple and keeping herself healthy during pregnancy. She says, "Since my daughter came along, I've not worked much through choice. And with another baby on its way, I don't think I will be doing a lot for the next year or so either."

Huzzah! Altogether now: "Sank heavens, for leetle girls!"

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Oh. My. Zod!

Just when you thought things couldn't get any more riveting on "Project Runway," the WOW Report comes out with this delightful lil' nugget of information:
Santino Rice, that unlikely breakout star from Bravo's keepin' it real fashion series, Project Runway, is a not unfamiliar face to some of the staffers here at World of Wonder.

Santino was once the boyfriend of Rick Castro, who directed the WOW documentary Plushies & Furries that aired on MTV and traveled the festival circuit back in 2003.

Quite a lot of people can only get off dressing as bunnies and bears, as you'll see from this clip. We're not saying Rick and Santino did, but they were very huggy and dated during filming of Plushies.

Santino even has his name in the credit crawl. Rick, who now has an erotic male art gallery on Las Palmas Avenue in Hollywood called Antebellum, was heartbroken when the two split.

Even though they are careful to say that Santino was not necessarily a plushie, I'm going to go ahead and believe in my heart of hearts that he is.

Boy, that evil-but-talented General Zod lookalike always has a trick up his billowing, shiny, ruched sleeve, I'll tell you what! Just when one is ready to write him off as a pompous, mean-spirited jackhole, the thought of him and his male-erotic-art-gallery-owner boyfriend doing it in squirrel costumes is enough to make one pronounce him the winner of this season's contest right now. What more qualification does a fashion designer need?

Britney's Number One!

It's that time of the year again! Mr. Blackwell presents his annual Worst-Dressed List! Let the bitchery begin!
1. BRITNEY SPEARS: “When it comes to couture chaos, this tacky terror should take a bow – looks like an over-the-hill Lolita. From the princess of pop to the ultimate fashion flop.”
2. MARY-KATE OLSEN: “In bag lady rags that look depressingly decayed – forget the accessories and buy some Raid.”
3. JESSICA SIMPSON: “It’s time to sack the stylist and divorce the designer… she re
4. EVA LONGORIA: “Gorgeous face, garish taste… what a waste.”
5. MARIAH CAREY: “The world applauds your musical emancipation… but please – leave that body to our imagination.”
6. PARIS HILTON: “The Burger Queen Sensation may be very rich – but she looks like yesterday’s cheesecake… with a side of kitsch.”
7. ANNA NICOLE SMITH: “Queen Kong in cheap lingerie.”
8. SHAKIRA: “Coiffure by Medusa… clothes by the Marquis De Sade.”
9. LINDSAY LOHAN: “The Teen Scream defines Fashion Fright – looks like she’s aged 30 years overnight.”
10. RENEE ZELLWEGER: “Runs the gamut from Kewpi Doll Dreck to Red Carpet Wreck… she looks like a painted pumpkin on a pogo stick.”

Poor ole Brit. No surprise there, I suppose. And I'm glad Mr. Blackwell--unlike everyone else on Earth--has not been drugged and/or hypnotized into believing Jessica Simpson is a well-dressed lady. (It's not even that the clothes themselves are so bad, it's just that on her they always seem so cheap.) And what's not to love about his description of Renee Zellweger as a "painted pumpkin on a pogo stick"?

Still, does Mr. Blackwell really think Lindsay Lohan is a worse dresser than, say, Venus Williams? And where the hell is Gwen Stefani on this list? Everything she wears looks like a blind, developmentally-impaired teenager stole it from a Gadzooks clearance sale, for God's sakes!

In other non-news, I dearly hope that Jennifer Aniston decides to drown her sorrows in some carb craziness today, now that Angelina Jolie is officially pregnant with the fruit of Brad "Am I The Only Person Alive Who Finds Him Unattractive?" Pitt's loins.

Come on, Jen! Angelina has a bun in the oven, so you should shove some buns into your mouth! Go get a loaf of Wonder Bread and some peanut butter and jelly and maybe some Lil' Debbies and a pint or two of Young's Double Chocolate Stout and live a little! Embrace the shame spiral! And then tomorrow you can go right back to your "Lettuce Leaf and Parsley Sprig Dressing-Free Salad Plus Three Ounces of Completely Dry Lean Fish, Three Thousand Glasses of Water, and Four Thousand Cigarettes Diet" or whatever.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Hilary Swank Completes Her First New Year's Resolution: Get Rid Of Excess Baggage

CNN is reporting that Hilary"The Macho Matt Damon" Swank has finally up and dumped her husband, Chad Lowe:
Two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank and actor husband Chad Lowe have separated after more than eight years of marriage.

"Hilary and Chad have decided to separate, but they are hopeful they'll be able to get through this tough time," Swank's manager Troy Nankin said in a statement Monday.

There was no elaboration on the reason for the split...

She will next star in "The Black Dahlia," Brian De Palma's adaptation of James Ellroy's novel.

Lowe, who is the brother of actor Rob Lowe, won an Emmy Award for his portrayal of AIDS patient Jesse McKenna on the TV series "Life Goes On" in 1993.

Poor ole Chad. Toot, toot! The gravy train stops here, sir! Disembark!

Call me a gaywad, but I used to watch "Life Goes On" quite regularly. Who could not love Corky? He was the most likable character on television! Whatever happened to him, anyway? I hate it when disable actors only get one role and then disappear. (With the exceptionn of Marlee Matlin. She keeps hangin' on, somehow.) Does he make a cameo in "The Ringer," or anything like that? Corky was so great! As was Patty LuPone. Hideous Kellie Martin, however, I wish I could pretend never existed. She annoys me no end. Even the way she spells her name is irritating. "Kellie." It's almost as bad as "Marlee." Bleh!

What was I talking about again? Oh, right, right. Chad Lowe. You're just so easy to forget, Chad! I felt bad for you when you were filmed sobbing with tears of joy over your Matt Damon-lookalike wife's first Oscar win, and then she totally forgot you were alive. But I'm sure you were use to that phenomonen, right? Just remember all the things Corky taught you, Chad: Life goes on, even if your marriage, sadly, does not.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Felt Up To Begin Terrible Twos!

Happy Birthday to me! Felt Up turns two years old today. Wheeeeeeeee. Sigh.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Great Minds Think Alike!

I just saw on the WOW Report that my and my "Project Runway" viewing companions' opinion that contestant/self-annointed God Santino Rice looks like very much Terence Stamp as General Zod in "Superman II" is also shared by others, namely the WOW Report, which posted their pictures side by side for comparison:

Santino is still campier and more evil, though...

Bitchy Vs. Evil

I'm sure that everyone--and not just those of us in Austin, Texas--was glued to their television sets last night, watching the world-class match-up between the evil-but-highly-skilled shoo-in and the underrated-but-talented underdog. Lord knows I love these kinds of down-to-the-wire, edge-of-your-seat exciting battles!

I am, of course, talking about the "Nicky Hilton Challenge" on "Project Runway," and the nail-biting showdown between awesomely funny/bitchy Robert Downey, Jr.-esque Nick and the frighteningly General Zod-like Santino.

The contest was to design a dress for personality-challenged socialite Nicky Hilton and to "sell" it to her at a party (besides the usual runway presentation). Santino wore high-heeled women's pumps to "stand out" at the party, and he gave his card to Nicky, telling her to call him and he'd "totally" make a dress for her, all of which seemed to impress the Hilton Who Is Not Paris. Nick, on the other hand, designed a very pretty frock that Ms. Hilton liked very much, plus he wowed the viewing audience with his hilarious "I'm like a little Mexican kid begging her to buy my Chiclets" spiel. (I assume he's Hispanic, or the joke is a tiny bit less amusing.) Nick also won points with his beyotchy "this ain't my first time at the rodeo" pronouncement. Yee-ha! Nick Vs. Zod, part II!

Santino has never gotten over the fact that Nick beat him in the "Barbie Challenge," and he was his usual overconfident, mean-spirited fabulous self, throwing down all sorts of disses at everyone else and treating himself like some sort of God the rest of us plebians are unfit to gaze upon. As far as he's concerned, we should all burn our eyes with pokers now that we have beheld the glory that is General Santino Zod!

Sad-sack old-lady Marla seemed like the obvious choice for L-O-S-E-R, given that she blatantly ripped off a Chloe dress Nicky Hilton was photographed wearing in their Challenge Dossier, but in the end it was Guadalupe, Our Lady of the Unfortunate Hair-Do, who was tossed out for her fashion-forward/hideous dress.

So, once again it was down to Nick and Santino, and personally, I thought Nick's dress looked more Hilton-esque (in a good way, ie, conforming to the challenge), but dumb ole Nicky picked Santino's ropey dress, which, while beautiful, was kind of unflattering on the model because of its bulkiness. Santino was, naturally, a terrible winner (just as he was a terrible loser), sneering that it was a much bigger coup to get a client like Nicky Hilton than to get your design on a Barbie. Is that really true? I think Barbie has better taste and more influence on the fashion scene...

Next week, poor Diana is saddled with Marla again in a team challenge. Does someone at Bravo hate young Asian designers with little-girl voices and a penchant for mathematics and bondage-inspired conceptual fashion? Stay tuned!

Sorry for the lack of photos, but the Bravo site kept freezing up every time I tried to steal a picture from it. How dare they? What about my needs? Harrumph!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Hohan Speaks!

The WOW Report has this awesome summary of the juicy interview with Lindsay Lohan in the new Vanity Fair:
• Forcing herself to throw up, she became so bulimic that she couldn't stand the sight of her own body. "I was making myself sick," she says – literally. It was Lorne Michaels who staged an intervention after she appeared on SNL. "I saw that [show] after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms. . . . I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it."

• She saw a paparazzi photo of herself in a tabloid wearing a "great whore's dress" and "looked at it and was like, 'Jesus Christ.' "

• She tried retail therapy, once spending $100,000 in one day.

* She used drugs "a little" but has since "gotten that out of my system. . . . I don't want people to think that I've done. . . You know what I mean? It's kind of a sore subject."

• She smothered her first love, Wilmer Valderrama, with so many of her problems that it ruined their relationship. She says she had no one else to go to.

• She's attracted to older guys like Johnny Depp, whom she finds edgy and dirty. She and Jared Leto, her costar in Chapter 27, the movie about John Lennon's assassination, are "great friends."

Well, normally I would feel just the teeniest bit of sympathy for this weary, old-before-her-time party animal/bulemic--and she does sound at least a little self-aware and humorous--but not this time. No, siree! Because I just read in my new Star that this dirty whore has been seen cavorting around with my beloved, my adored, my true crush, Joaquin Phoenix.

Listen, Missy. you can do whatever sordid, vile thing you want with the likes of Wilmer "Gag" Valderrama or Jared "Man Slut" Leto, but when you begin canoodling with my Joaquin--there's going to be hell to pay! As The Dude would say, this aggression will not stand, Lohan!

And just because I am about to enter the world of non-married cohabitation with boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P., that does not mean that I won't cut you! You think you know pain because your daddy drove his car into a wall and beat up a garbage man? You don't know the meaning of the word until you've had a can of Felt Up whoop-ass opened up on your scrawny behind! Back away from the Phoenix, beyotch!

I walk the line!

The Winnah!

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"We must, we must, we must increase our BUTTS!" (impychimp)