Friday, December 22, 2006

More Fun With Mug Shots!

When I first glanced at this mug shot of director Gus Van Sant (who was booked for DUI in Oregon yesterday), I thought, "Oh, no! Mr. Carlin's been arrested!" Mr. Carlin, who was played by Jack Riley, was my favorite character on one of my all-time favorite TV programs, "The Bob Newhart Show." There really is an amazing resemblance.


Gus Van Sant

Jack "Mr. Carlin" Riley

He looked even more Van Sant-y back in the '70s in his Mr. Carlin dark hairpiece, but this was the best picture I could find. If anyone is a Newhart-o-phile and/or operates a Mr. Carlin shrine, please send in a better photo.

A New Low!




Sunday, December 17, 2006

Sometimes Underpants Are Not Enough

From the "I Can't Wait Until Monday When The Go Fug Yourself Girls Get A Gander At This" File:


Dear god. Is she trying to give Fed-Ex complete custody of her kids?

I'd almost rather see her vanaynay again than this atrocity of an outfit. Almost.

Britney Spears
makes me confront strange feelings deep within my soul. Sometimes I feel her complete trashitudiness is hysterically funny and great and then other times I just feel really sorry for her; sometimes I laugh; sometimes I gag; sometimes I cry out to the heavens, "WHY?" How can one person whom I have never met make my emotions run the gamut from admmiration to revulsion? Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of this existence we call life? I need answers!




And End To Taradise?

Finally, there are a few answers now in the "what exactly did Miss USA do to possibly get dethroned?" mystery! According to the NY Daily News:
Miss USA Tara Conner is on the verge of losing her crown after testing positive for cocaine, lustily kissing Miss Teen USA in public and sneaking men into their Trump Place apartment, sources tell the Daily News.

"Tara was a party animal," said a source who knows Conner, 20, and Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, 18, from some of the city's top nightspots. "I've seen them kiss before. They always dance all sexy on the tables. ... They definitely get close."

Conner packed her bags and left the bachelorette pad Thursday, and canceled a scheduled Miami charity appearance tonight. Pageant sources said she has no other public appearances this year...

One clubgoer described for the Daily News seeing Conner snort cocaine in one of the nightclubs where she drank regularly despite being underage, and The News learned she recently failed a drug test.

The Miss USA runner-up, Miss California USA Tamiko Nash, would inherit the crown if Conner can't finish her reign.

Conner was named Miss USA just eight months ago, but quickly started blazing a trail through New York's late-night club world, scenesters told The News.

"She really is a small-town girl. She just went wild when she came to the city," one nightlife veteran said. "Tara just couldn't handle herself. They were sneaking those [nightclub] guys in and out of the apartment."

La cocaina, faux lesbian make-out sessions with Miss Teen USA, and sneaking dudes into the bachelorette pad? Tres juicy and muy awesome!

I feel sorta-kinda-not-really bad for Miss USA because she seemed like a pretty good sport during her appearance on that show that is dead to me (and actually wore the dress that Kayne designed for her), plus it sounds like she was just a small-town girl who got caught up in the bright lights of the big city. It could happen to anyone! Anyone who looks perfect in a bikini, wins the Miss USA crown, and moves into TrumpWorld with Miss Teen USA as her roommate, that is. How funny is it that they actually live in the same apartment? It's so 1960s sitcom!

Good-bye, soon-to-former Miss USA, we hardly knew ye. Or any other pagaent winner. Nor did we really care to. Good luck!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Rock, Hudson!

Breaking news! Jennifer Hudson is now officially the cutest, prettiest, and most talented person on the face of the Planet Felt Up. She even gives Wilbur from "Nip/Tuck" a run for his money!

Check out my new crush next to my old one, Beyonce:


Friday, December 15, 2006

Caged Heat!

Entertainment Weekly's website has this little tidbit today about Martha Stewart's interview on "The Howard Stern Show" on Sirius Radio. EW calls her a "badass," because apparently Martha not only held her own and didn't get freaked out by Howard's usual overly-personal questioning, she really gave as good as she got, especially when asked about her time in women's prison. Here's an excerpt:
When Stewart mentioned that she’d like to go out on more dates, Stern said, “But I thought you wanted me.” She responded, “I did. But then I met you.”

When he pressed on about prison life -- “Who came on to you?”, she replied, “Some girls who looked like boys. Some had mustaches and beards. I’d be walking to the street and I’d be like, ‘How’d that boy get in here?’ And it was a girl. They’d want to have lunch with me, like a lunch date. Everybody in prison has a business plan. I’d have lunch with them if they were interesting.”

He followed with, “You never saw two girls getting it on?” “Nah,” Stewart said. “Not naked. But there’d be trysts.” Then Stern: “So I guess you have to pleasure yourself in prison.” “You know what,” said Stewart, “five months isn’t a long time.”

Stern: “Have you ever had anything done?”
Stewart: “No.”
Stern: “No boob job?”
Stewart: “No, I think my boobs got bigger.”
Stern: “You’re a D cup, right?”
Stewart: “Nah.”
Stern: “C?”
Stewart: “Yeah.”

As Stern was wrapping up, he advised that the next time Stewart is on the show she go commando. “Wait, are you wearing underwear today?,” he asked. Stewart, without missing a beat, said, “No… bye Howard.”

Wow. Am I falling in love a little bit with Martha Stewart? There's something so awesome when the most "respectable" types (yes, she went to prison, but you know what I mean) turn out to be not as uptight as you'd think. I'm pretty sure I would rather die in car plunged in dark, icy water rather than be interviewed by Howard Stern, so kudos, Martha for being both brave and kind of funny. Well-played, milady. Well-played indeed!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Insert "Golden Globes" Breast Joke Here!

Well, the Golden Globe nominations were announced today, and as usual, I am rooting for the underdogs: I'm thrilled to see that Marky Mark got recognition for his supporting actor work in "The Departed," Chiwetel Ejiofor who was so brilliant in "Dirty Pretty Things" was nominated for best actor in a musical/comedy for "Kinky Boots" (I think Chepo P. and I are the only people on earth who saw that one in the theater), Felt Up Fave Rave Emeritus Peter O'Toole got a best dramatic actor nomination for "Venus" (which hasn't been released here in the sticks yet, I'm pretty sure), and former sadsack actor Ben Affleck got a best supporting dramatic actor nod for his turn as sadsack actor George Reeves in "Hollywoodland." Huzzahs all around, boys!

I'm also glad for those who are either new to the whole movie star thing or are old-timers given another shot, like Jennifer Hudson in "Dreamgirls" (although she was supposed to be up for best actress, and Beyonce got that nomination instead), Eddie Murphy for best actor in "Dreamgirls," everyone's crush Helen Mirren for best actress in "The Queen" (sadly, no "Best Performance of Peeing on a Royal Garden by a Corgi" award), totally hot for some unknown reason Forrest Whitaker for best dramatic actor in "The Last King of Scotland," and Emily Blunt for best comedy supporting actress in "The Devil Wears Prada."

I'm not so excited by the numerous big guns who got their perennial turn at awards glory: Jack Nicholson for best ham in "The Departed," Renee Zellweger for squinty starving sourpus in "Miss Potter," and Leonardo DiCaprio for his two--count 'em two!--best dramatic actor nominations for annoyingly baby-faced and nasally (but apparently brilliant, I have to admit) roles in "The Departed" and "Blood Diamond."

I'm also less than thrilled with the ommission of Jackie Earle Haley, who came back from career death (he languished for years after a wonderful start in "The Bad News Bears," "Breaking Away," and--don't laugh!-- "Losin' It") with critically acclaimed supporting roles in "All The King's Men" and "Little Children." I hope this doesn't mean he's lost any hope of an Oscar nomination or further acting roles in Hollywood. I heart Jackie Earle!

There were also a bunch of TV nominations, but since "Arrested Development" went off the air, I've totally lost interest.

To see the full list go here. And start ordering the champers and (bargain bin) caviar for the viewing party!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

His Wife Screwed A Dwarf In The Nursery AND In The...

On last night's season finale of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One scene of the two plastic surgeons boxing up the sadsack surgeon's belongings, while the couple who bought his house burn clumps of sage in some new-agey/yuppie attempt to "purify" the negativity and/or bad vibes left by the previous owners; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon tells them to go in the nursery, where the supposedly nice surgeon's "wife screwed a dwarf."

One sage-burning couple leaving after encountering "the handyman," who turns out to be evil-doer/two-time face transplant recipient/organ-thief ringleader, Escobar, who demands that the two surgeons come to his home to help his wife. Ay carumba!

One totally and completely awesome wife of Escobar, played with fiery, befurred intensity by Idalis DeLeon, whom the TV Guide "Nip/Tuck" blog identified as a former MTV VJ and a member of a group called Seduction who had a song called "Two To Make It Right."
UPDATE 12/14/06: Friend of Felt Up Terri R. just informed me that Idalis also played the stripper with whom Rico had a semi-affair on "Six Feet Under," plus she is 40 years old, which makes her even more awesome! Viva Idalis DeLeon! Viva!

One Senora Escobar explaining to the two surgeons that she needs breast surgery because she was tortured and de-breasted by Columbians who were seeking revenge for the fact that their sister lost her own boobs when Escobar's drug-filled implants exploded in her chest; Escobar offers them $250,000 in cash to perform the operation.

Two ridiculously pious surgeons refusing to do the procedure.

One Escobar in the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's boss lady/fiancee's car, where he demands that she come up with some more organs; she refuses; he tells her that if he can convine her fiance to do his wife's surgery, they will be even and she won't have to participate in the organ-theft ring any longer.

One extremely dumb boss lady/fiancee trying to get breast surgery tips from the sadsack surgeon.

One sadsack surgeon visiting his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son and giving him a check for some portion of the sale of his house and his part of the plastic surgery practice; the creepy son admits that he knows his former porn star/current Scientologist/pregnant wife only married him to get back at the supposedly rat bastard surgeon.

One ormer porn star/current Scientologist/pregnant wife taking the big, fat check out of her creepy husband's hand as he leaves to change clothes; she admits to the sadsack surgeon that she is "trying" to love her creepy husband.

One extremely dumb boss lady/fiancee attempting to perform the procedure on Senora Escobar.

One extremely angry supposedly rat bastard surgeon discovering his fiancee in the surgery with Senora Escobar on the table.

One confrontation that finally leads to the supposedly rat bastard surgeon finding out all about his boss lady/fiancee's involvement with Escobar and his organ-theft ring.

Two extremely angry surgeons performing the surgery on Senora Escobar with lesbian nurse/organ-theft victim/Escobar shooting victim Liz assisting.

One recovering Senora Escobar asking Liz about her helping with her breast reconstruction (which magically grew new skin where hers had been removed by the Columbians); Liz tells her that she feels sorry for her for having to be married to the "monster" Escobar.

One Escobar going in to inspect his wife's "new titties," when Liz comes in with a gun and points it at Escobar!

One Senora Escobar taking the gun away from Liz!

One Senora Escobar shooting her husband dead!

One scene of the surgeons and Liz buying several giant hams!

One scene of the surgeons and Liz tying the giant hams to various parts of Escobar's body and then leaving it out to be eaten by an alligator!

One incredibly gay-in-a-lame-way montage of the cast members lip-synching the lyrics of "Brighter Discontent" by The Submarines (thanks again for the info, TV Guide blog!), while we see their lives unfolding: The supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee drifting apart; the sadsack surgeon moving to L.A.; the creepy son and his former porn star/current Scientologist/pregnant wife sleeping in the same bed and trying (and apparently failing) to make it work; Liz being sad that she is forced to lip-synch.

One scene of the sadsack surgeon interviewing at some plastic surgery mill in L.A. and taking the sadsack job he is offered, even though he is clearly overqualified for it.

One scene of the sadsack surgeon about to operate on a patient with the awed assistance of Danny Strong (of "Buffy" semi-fame), when in walks the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, who informs the sadsack surgeon that he and the boss lady have broken up and he is moving to L.A. to open another practice with the sadsack!

One blogette excited over the prospect of a "Dr. 90210"-themed Season Five of "Nip/Tuck"!

Peter Boyle, R.I.P.

Very sad news today: Actor Peter Boyle has died. From The New York Times:
Peter Boyle, who left the life of a monk to study acting and went on to become one of the most successful character actors of his time in films like “The Candidate,” “Young Frankenstein” and “Monster’s Ball,” then capped his career with a long stint as the meddlesome father on the hit sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond,” died Tuesday evening in Manhattan. He was 71.
Chester Higgins/The New York Times
Peter Boyle in 2001.

His death, at New York Presbyterian Hospital, was announced by his publicist, Jennifer Plante. She said Mr. Boyle had suffered from multiple myeloma and heart disease.

Most people probably know Peter Boyle from his role as Ray Romano's father on "Everybody Loves Raymond," but I loved him for his amazing acting in such movies as "Where The Buffalo Roam" (as Lazlo, the partner in crime of Hunter S. Thompson, played by Bill Murray), "Taxi Driver," "Taxi Driver," and most especially for his work as "The Monster" in the funniest movie ever made, "Young Frankenstein."

If you've never seen "The Puttin' On The Ritz" number, or want to enjoy it again, here it is:

Peter Boyle, 1935-2006.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Laughing With Tears In My Eyes

Tonight is the season finale of "Nip/Tuck," the show that brought "I swear on these fake balls" into the lexicon (at least in my world!), and here at Felt UP HQ we will be marking the occasion with champagne, Chik-fil-A nuggets, and beauty treatments--just the way Dr. Christian Troy would want it. Well, maybe not the Chik-fil-A, but what he doesn't know won't kill him. Or will it? The finale airs at 10pm/9pm central on the F/X netwrok. Here's a couple of Julian McMahon pix to whet your appetite until tonight:



Although we are all naturally quite upset to wait lo so many months for the next season of "Nip/Tuck" to begin, at least we are not leading lives of quiet Tuesday night desperation--yet. Because luckily for us the second season of "Campus Ladies" began last week, so there is a reason to keep on living!

If you are not familiar with "Campus Ladies" (or "Campus Fat Ladies" as Chepo P. so endearingly insists on calling it--even though only one of them is chubby), it is a comedy about two middle-aged women who return to college and their various naughty hi-jinks. It is totally hilarious, and I don't say that lightly.

You can watch the first season pilot webisode on their website to get the gist. "Campus Ladies" airs Tuesdays at 11pm/10pm central on the Oxygen network. Felt Up says check it out!

Monday, December 11, 2006

And 4 of the 85 Pounds Were Vicodin

From the "The Only Thing That Surprises Me Is That It Doesn't Happen More Often" File, we have news from CNN that Nicole Richie has been arrested for DUI in Los Angeles:

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said.

California Highway Patrol officers took Richie, 25, into custody without incident after she failed a field sobriety test, CHP Officer Todd Workman said.

Her black Mercedes sport utility vehicle was stopped in the car pool lane of State Highway 134 when officers arrived.

Authorities said they received 911 calls about a car going the wrong way on the freeway and the car matched the description of Richie's.

According to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Departmentexternal link report, Richie was set free on $15,000 bail. She was listed in her police report as being 5-foot-1 and 85 pounds.

Richie, star of "The Simple Life" reality series and daughter of pop singer Lionel Richie, was booked in Glendale, tested for drugs and released later Monday morning, Workman said. He said the results of the drug test hadn't been determined.

A CHP officer, Mark Garrett, told the Los Angeles Times that Richie admitted smoking marijuana and taking Vicodin before her arrest.

Mug shot via The Smoking Gun.

Going the wrong way on the freeway? Check. Booze, weed, and pills? Check, check, and check. 85 pounds? YIKES. I thought she had supposedly gained a little weight recently? If her weight after rehab is 85, then what the hell was it before? Ye gads, woman!

At least there's no mention of her lacking underpants at the time of her arrest.

Spin away, Nicole Richie p.r. machine! The ball's in your court. Stay tuned!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

My (Other) Girl Wants To Barfy All The Time, Barfy All The Time

Just in time for the holidays: More tales of le vomit by celebs in public. Huzzah! This time it's everyone's favorite preserved-in-wax ancient supermodel, Janice Dickinson. According to Janet Charlton:
Salespeople at a certain fancy shop on Robertson WINCED when they saw Janice Dickinson headed for the store recently. On her last visit to the shop she was described as" falling down drunk" - she made a loud scene- and after she left, they discovered she had puked all over their bathroom and left without saying a word about it. Disgruntled employees had to clean it up.

So they were surprised to see her return as if nothing had happened. She piled up about $25,000 worth of clothing on the counter that she wanted for 'her TV show" She said "We'll pick these up tomorrow." She didn't come back.

But three weeks later she returned and started pulling things again, demanding a "celebrity discount." No discount. On top of that, her credit card was declined as over the limit. She could only purchase to a few small items. Once more, employees had to put back all the clothing she had piled on the counter.

Imagine what the people on Janice's TV show have to go through!

Imagine what Janice's children have to go through! Oh, Janice. Don't go changin'. We love your gaunt, pukey, entirely non-organic being!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Gunn Control

You know that show that is dead to me now? Well, here's yet another reason to stop watching it. From
Perhaps Project Runway's Tim Gunn should take his own advice and "Make it work."

The Bravo TV star may not be joining judges Nina Garcia and Michael Kors and host Heidi Klum (who also executive produces the show) when Runway returns for its fourth season, Entertainment Weekly reports in its new issue.

His responsibilities as chair of the fashion design department at New York City's Parsons school, where Gunn, 53, has worked for 23 years, make him unavailable for filming during the academic year.

Last season – which resulted in a win by____________– began shooting after the end of a semester. Next season's schedule reportedly has not been locked in.

"As we have in past seasons, we will find a way to work around everyone's schedules, and are confident the team will be back," said Sarah Rothman, a spokeswoman for The Weinstein Company, which produces the show.

Gunn's good-natured mentoring of the Runway contestants has made him a fan favorite – and the feeling is mutual. "I'm the luckiest man on earth," he told People earlier this year about his newfound fame.

OK, obviously it is not a sure thing that Tim won't be returning, but the fact that the producers would even consider for one single second doing the show without him proves how out of touch and deluded they are. Tim Gunn is the heart and soul of that show, and without him it will lose the tiny shred of credibility it has left.

What hubris to think they can carry on without him!

Hubris, I say!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Get Your Hand Out Of My Ass And Into The...

NOTE: Your humble Felt Up blogette has been under the weather the past few days; in her over-the-counter drug-induced fog, she might have forgotten or rearranged a few scenes from this episode. Your patience in this matter is very much appreciated. Carry on.

On last night's episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One hot-to-trot lady who wants a boob job--but only from the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, not from the sadsack surgeon.

One sadsack surgeon plunging further down the slippery sadsack slope of despair at ever being able to compete with the supposedly rat bastard surgeon.

One scene of the lady getting her boob job while the song "Up-Up And Away," by The Fifth Dimension, featuring the line "Wouldn't you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?"plays in the background.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon asking his fiancee/boss lady if she will legally adopt WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; she says she is still not sure.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon pushing WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, on a swing in a park; his fiancee/boss lady is tired and wants to go home and is sort of put out that all this playtime in the park means they'll have to cancel their dinner plans that night.

One shot of Madam Jacqueline Bisset lurking in the background; she calls someone on her cell phone and inquires how much two kidneys from a child are worth! AAAAAAAAH! WILBUR!

One appearance of crazy ole Gina, the sex addict/freak-a-deak who duped the supposedly rat bastard surgeon into belieiving that baby WILBUR was his child, until he emerged from the birth canal African-American; she wants to share custody of WILBUR; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon says "no dice, crazy." (I'm paraphrasing.)

One scene of a ventriloquist who wants a face lift so he will look more like his dummy. AAAAAAAH!

One fantasy sequence in which the sadsack surgeon sees himself as the ventriloquist and the supposedly rat bastard surgeon as the dummy, who says "Now get your hand out of my ass!"

One scene of the fiancee/boss lady arriving in her office to discover Madam Jacqueline Bisset playing "Operation" (!) with WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; seeing the organ thief with WILBUR kickstarts the boss lady's maternal instincts, and she snatches WILBUR away from La Bisset and yells at her.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon having dinner in a fancy restaurant with his fiancee/boss lady and WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; she agrees to sign the papers to legally adopt WILBUR.

One appearance of Gina, the sex addict/freak-a-deak/potential stalker, who has followed them to the restaurant; she causes a huge scene, screaming and carrying-on and scaring WILBUR.

One scene of Kimber, the former porn star/fiancee of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon/current wife of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son, telling her Scientologist (therapist? helper? not sure what her role is exactly, let's just call her the) enabler that her creepy high-school-age husband is "boring" in bed. What a shock!

One scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son discovered by the sadsack surgeon in the waiting room of the supposedlly rat bastard surgeon; it turns out he wants to talk to the supposedly rat bastard surgeon about learning some sex tricks to please his former porn star wife.

One sadsack surgeon insisting that he, too, can provide sex tricks to his creepy (non-biological) son; when he gets all technical, the creepy son says it's like listening to Dr. Ruth, which leads the sadsack surgeon to lose the technical talk and say stuff like "bang her real hard" and other cringe-inducing phrases.

One scene of the ventriloquist getting his facelift to the tune of "I'm Your Puppet" by James and Bobby Purify playing oh-so-brilliantly in the background.

One exposition during the dummy-ectomy that lesbian anesthesiologists Liz and Alanis Morissette have broken up due to Alanis' unmitigated bitchery; she bursts into the surgery to beg Liz to take her back, but Liz says "no dice, crazy." (Again, I'm paraphrasing.)

One scene in the same park, with the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee pushing WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, on a swing; he walks away and leaves the boss lady in charge; then she lets some strange little girl take over! WILBUR IS IN DANGER! AAAAAAAH!

One horrifying scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee discovering that WILBUR IS GONE; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon is sure that crazy ole Gina took Wilbur, while his boss lady/fiancee is equally certain that Madam Bisset has kidnapped Wilbur. Who is right?

One horrifying scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son explaining to his ex-porn star wife that he has hired her old porn star film crew to help them make a sex tape for their personal use; one totally grossed-out blogette wanting to pull out her eyeballs after witnessing the sex scene that ensues.

One scene of Madam Bisset pulling a gun on the boss lady/fiancee in her office; she tells her about the death of her own son when he was 18 months old, and says she never thought she would be the kind of person who would take a child's kidneys and then she shoots herself in front of the boss lady/fiancee.

One phone call from the supposedly rat bastard surgeon to his boss lady/fiancee, telling her that WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, is safe and sound; apparently it was crazy ole Gina who snatched Wilbur.

One scene of crazy ole Gina telling the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, was screaming and carrying on so much that she now realizes that she could never be a parent.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee explaining the suicide-on-the-premises of the late Madam Bisset; one blogette wondering when someone will wonder about the legions of dead bodies that appear so frequently around these two surgeons.

One sadsack surgeon telling the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that he wants to be bought out of their practice because he is always going to be in the shadow of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and needs to go out on his own and be a sadsack somewhere else.

One scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son engaging in a repulsive gynecologist sex fantasy; the real gyno walks in and lectures the ex-porn star on having sex during pregnancy; it turns out that a) the gyno is a Scientologist and considers this tantamount to child abuse and b) the "personal" sex movie they made is all over the internet, thanks to the porn star's best pal, the lady director, who put it up on her website without asking for permission.

One boss lady/fiancee getting into her car to discover Escobar, the escaped murderer/criminal mastermind whose face was re-configured twice by the surgeons, sitting next to her; it turns out that Madam Bisset worked for Escobar, and now the boss lady/fiancee has to continue the dirty work or else!

One set of previews indicating that next week we will meet Escobar's glamtastic befurred wife, who wants plastic surgery (of course!); it's the season finale so who knows what could happen?

One blogette on pins and needles!


I'm so jealous I could just spit!

Popbytes' blogger got to go the set of "Passions" to watch the Scissor Sisters tape an appearance on the Awesomest Soap Opera of All Time! That kind of stuff never happens to your humble Felt Up blogette; the best I ever get offered is to watch the latest Stevie Ray Vaughan tribute band play for free at the airport.

According to Popbytes, the "plot" unfolds thusly:
in this two-episode arc, young witch endora (nicole cox), a big fan of scissor sisters, conjures them up in tabitha's (juliet mills) living room. the band, extremely disoriented, plays their first song and then suddenly disappears into thin air, leaving endora wanting more. after endora is put to bed, she decides she wants an encore. this time she makes them appear at the hottest club in harmony, the blue note, where she is dressed as a scissor sister groupie. realizing they are no longer at their concert, the band is once again confused, but decide to keep on playing for the excited crowd.
Read the whole post and weep!

What genius decided to synergize these two giants of gayicana?

The Scissor Sisters episodes of "Passions" are set to air in February!

Another Day, Another Camelot In Ashes

By now probably everyone who cares about this kind of crapola knows that Vaughniston have broken up--and apparently this time it's for reals. However, unless you religiously peruse the Star Magazine website--as is your humble blogette's wont--you might not know about this lil' nugget of info:
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn had not split up before Thanksgiving. In fact, the former Friend tried to convince her on-again, off-again boyfriend to make the 12-hour flight from London (where he's been filming the comedy Fred Claus) to L.A., to join Jen for the holiday. When he turned her down, she ended up alone joining best friend Courteney Cox-Arquette and hubby David Arquette.

As for Vince, he hopped a three-and-a-half-hour flight to Budapest. On Nov. 25, while dining in a local restaurant with two pals, Vince befriended three female students at a nearby table — including Laura Mallory Lane, 20, a junior at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas, who was on holiday while studying abroad in Rome.

The group proceeded to have a cocktail-fueled evening that ended with Vaughn and Lane (who goes by her middle name of Mallory) in bed together — all of it documented in an e-mail entitled, "I shacked with Vince Vaughn" that Lane sent to 22 of her Gamma sorority sisters two days later, says a source!

When the bars had closed at 2 a.m., Mallory wrote that the group ventured back to Vaughn's hotel and Vaughn asked her to stay for another drink — which she did. "I did not feel pressured at all," Mallory wrote.

"We talked some more (and yes, we talked about Jen), and one thing led to another and obviously we were messing around before too long. We didn't have sex, but it was just as good :)..."

Nevertheless, it wasn't a good thing for Jen. Star alerted Jen's reps to our story and lo and behold the couple announced their final breakup!

Behold, ladies and gentleman of the Felt Up jury, EXHIBIT A, a facsimile of the incriminating (and incredibly tacky) e-mail sent out to the Trinity University Gamma sorority by their travelin', man stealin' sister:

And EXHIBIT B, a yearbook photo of the "lady" herself!

Naturally, this girl looks like a younger, toothier version of Jennifer Aniston. How totally unsurprising! I love that she goes to Texas' own Trinity University, which is a small college just a hop, skip, and jump down the road from Felt Up HQ. Trinity's motto is "Dream. Inspire. Achieve," and I think our lil' soho did all three! Go, Trinity!

Jennifer Aniston needs to figure out a way to be less of a sadsack when it comes to her relationships. We can only feel sorry for her for so long, and really, how bad can you feel for a multi-gazillionaire movie and tv star just because she's been unlucky in l'amour? She's always so dour and glum and downtrodden in her black Armani sheaths. Maybe she's been doing The Zone for too long, it has just sucked the life right out of her.

Listen, Jen: Vince is Good Times Central, lady! He wants pillow fights with sorority girls from Texas, not one edamame bean and a plain salmon filet with the skin removed served on a bed of steamed spinach! Anyone could tell that just by looking at him. What did you really expect?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I Blame The Pita Chips

New developments in two current gossip stories that now appear to be at least marginally connected to each other: It turns out that that dude from "Prison Break" who crashed his SUV and killed a teenager was bestest friends with Jessica Simpson, and Janet Charlton says his accident was the reason Simpson effed up her rendition of "Nine to Five" at the Kennedy Center Honors for Dolly Parton:
NOW we know why Jessica Simpson was in TEARS at the Kennedy Center Honors. She had just found out about Lane Garrison's tragic auto accident. (One teenage male passenger was killed and two girls were injured.) Lane was like a brother to her - they grew up in the same town and when he had problems at home, he went to live with Jessica's dad Joe Simpson when he was a teenager. Simpson helped make Lane a star like he did his daughters.

And Lane loved being famous. When he went to Ralph's Saturday night to buy pita chips, two teen girls saw him and got VERY excited. They begged him to come to their high school party to impress their friends. Lane couldn't resist the flattery.

Just how much he had to drink before and during the party will be apparent when his blood test results come back. When Lane wanted to leave, the girls begged the boy who was killed to come along because they were a little afraid of Lane. The joy ride ended abruptly when his SUV crashed into a tree.

Acquaintances of Lane are predicting that the blood test will show more than alcohol was in his system. Right now Lane's in hiding and Jessica is still distraught.

Seriously, that is the most pathetic thing I've heard in a long, long time. The guy is 26 years old and he goes to a high school party to revel in teenagers' adoration and/or get into some underage pants? Unbelievably sad and loserish.

Lane Garrison: You killed some kid, you may or may not be a statutory rapist, your "career" is in ruins, and Joe Simpson is your svengali. Why not just commit hari kari now before your shame spiral continues ever downward into some real, non-TV prison time?

Jessica Simpson: No excuse is good enough for insulting Dolly, and especially not one as retarded as this. I stand by my call for your deportation! Achtung: Get thee to a Hasselhoffery, flee with him to Deutschland at once, and never, ever come back!

Now, good day sir. I said good day!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Ripped Torn

Awww. Felt Up (not-so) secret older man crush Rip Torn (please note: NOT RIP TAYLOR!) was arrested again for DWI in the state of New York, two years after beating the rap last time. From WCBS:
Actor Rip Torn, who was acquitted of drunken-driving charges two years ago in New York City, was arrested again Monday in the suburbs after a collision, state police said.

No one was hurt in the crash on Hardscrabble Road in North Salem, Trooper Edward Gillespie said. The 75-year-old character actor refused a sobriety test and would be arraigned on a charge of driving while intoxicated, Gillespie said...

In 2004, Torn was acquitted when jurors said the prosecution failed to prove that he was drinking before his fender-bender with a taxi. A police videotape showed Torn cursing and berating officers before turning down a sobriety test, but his lawyer said that was due to anger, not drinking.

When he was acquitted, he shook the hands of the male jurors, kissed the hands of the female jurors and said, "I love New York."

And Felt Up loves Rip Torn! If he had promised to kiss my hand I would have totally aquitted him even if he'd killed someone! I also love that he crashed his car on "Hardscrabble Road"--if it was a movie, it would strain credulity!

On a side note, Friend of Felt Up Terri R. and I saw "Marie Antoinette" over the weekend, and Rip was a delight. I just wanted more, more, more of him (as well as more of be-chubby-suited Jason Schwartzman); when Rip dies, so do the good times.

Here are his awesome mug shots. The first one is saucy (no pun intended--maybe) and looks like Rip is about to tell some tales of ribaldry to the photo-taker before passing out with his hand down some lady's blouse:

The second one is more heartbreaking, as it shows a more melancholy Rip, with a touch more sorrow and a soupçon of an Emmet Kelly vibe--if Emmet Kelly was under arrest for drunk driving:


A Reason To Live!

Lately I've been noticing ads for Bravo's new interior design contest/reality show "Top Design," and I keep thinking that the guy they feature looks a lot like Felt Up fave rave Todd Oldham--but the ads never mention his name. It has been driving me mad. Mad, I say! Finally, a very dim lightbulb went off above my head, and it dawned on me that perhaps that interweb might have some answers, and sure enough, has a page devoted to "Top Design." Apparently the show is basically "Project Runway" but with interior designers instead of fashion designers:
In “Top Design,” high pressure, eccentric personalities and creative egos combine to fuel the next big hit in competition reality. Aspiring and professional interior design contestants will converge and compete in a series of challenges to create the “Top Design” while living in a decked-out studio loft as they are inspired and critiqued by professionals who are leaders in their chosen field.

So exciting! Not only was I totally right and it is hosted by Mr. Todd Oldham, the lead judge is none other than Felt Up's other fave rave Jonathan Adler! (Not sure who he is? Check out is website and weep, weep bitter tears for all the lovely, humorous and jaunty little objets that he makes for the sole purpose of breaking my heart. Oh, and he is one half of a design power-couple: His boyfriend is Simon Doonan--Barney's window-dresser extraordinaire, author, and perennial guest on VH1 nostalgia shows. Love him! ) O.M.G.! Felt Up designer heaven! (By the way, if any anonymous admirers out there are wondering what token of their esteem they can get for the blogette who has nothing, here's a suggestion. Oh, and here's another. And what do you know? Yet another!)

Jonathan Adler, Simon Doonan, and their Norwich terrier, Liberace.

Todd Oldham with a poster of his bff, Amy Sedaris in "Jerri Blank" drag.

There are also some other judges I have never heard of.

The how will air Wednesdays starting in January at 10/9 central. Wheeeeeeeeee!

Deport Jessica Simpson NOW!

Now this is just plain pathetic. From the Columbus Dispatch:
Singer-actress Jessica Simpson was in tears last night after flubbing a song she was performing during the Kennedy Center Honors.

Simpson was on stage to sing "Nine to Five" as part of the tribute to Dolly Parton, one of the evening's five honorees. Simpson ended her performance abrupty with the words "so nervous" and quickly exited the stage. The stunned audience remained silent, giving her no applause.

Simpson appeared to be crying when she and other singers in the tribute returned to the stage.

CBS will broadcast the show Dec. 26 at 9 p.m.

In addition to Parton, the evening's other honorees were movie director Steven Spielberg, singer Smokey Robinson, composer Andrew Lloyd Webber and conductor Zubin Mehta.

OK. First of all, I am shocked and appalled that Jessica Simpson was the best person they could come with to honor our national treasure Dolly Parton. Dolly deserves better! (Although, truth be told, the only person I want to hear sing Dolly is DOLLY.) And then to not know "Nine to Five" by heart? "Nine to Five" is practically the national anthem. Jessica Simpson should have her American citizenship revoked. Tear up her passport! Strip her of her nationality! Jessica Simpson doesn't deserve to be an American if she dishonors Dolly Parton!
Her dad should just send her off to Germany to hang out with David Hasselhoff. And now that I think about it, those two would make a lovely couple. They could rule German radio and have their own touring variety show called "Schreckliches Singenerscheinen mit David und Jessica."

Oh, go wherever you want Jessica, but you can't stay here, traitor!

On the upside, however, I'm glad that Dolly is finally getting her Kennedy Center honors. They are long, long overdue!



Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Next Up: Botox!

Loyal readers (both of you!) may have noticed the new look of Felt Up. Every now and then, a gal likes to get a little work done (you know, tastefully, not too tight--like Susan Sarandon) as part of the aging process. And now that Blogger's new beta enables constant template switching without too much sturm und drang, don't be surprised if every single time you try to read this blog, it is completely unrecognizable, a la Ashlee Simpson.

If you like the new look, let me know. If not, you're dead to me. Ha ha, just kidding. No, I'm not. Yes, yes I am.

No, I'm not...

He Was My Wife's Elf--And So Is The...

Last night's episode was so action-packed that I can hardly see straight! Let's jump right in, shall we?

On the last episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon buying an expensive piece of jewelry for his snotty little daughter who, as his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son points out, is only 12 years old and a tad young for something so pricey.

One exposition that the supposedly nice surgeon is looking forward to Christmas with his snotty little daughter, but then is called by his wife and told that the little snot has strep-throat and can't come down to Florida after all.

One sadsack surgeon asking his creepy son and his son's former porn star/Scientologist/wife/mother of his unborn child to come over for Christmas; the creepy son informs his dad that he and the little missus are going on a Scientogist cruise instead (!).

One sadsack surgeon asking the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his fiancee/boss lady to join him for Christmas; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon informs his partner that he and the little missus are going to St. Petersburg for Christmas instead. (Sadly, your humble Felt Up blogette is so underfinanced she could only conceive of St. Petersburg, Florida as an "impulse travel" destination, not the St. Petersburg, Russia that was their real vacation plan. Sigh.)

One sadsack surgeon hitting the sauce in his consultation office during an interview with a woman who wants a "g-spot amplification" procedure so she can have a "killer orgasm" as a Christmas present to herself (it's the gift that keeps on giving!).

One scene of the drunken sadsack surgeon performing the g-spot surgery, that ends with "full release" for the patient, while "Joy To The World" plays in the background.

One Christmas ham arriving from Escobar, the murderer/escaped convict whose face the surgeons changed into the FBI's fourth most wanted criminal, then back to his real, number one most wanted face, before he killed a bunch of guards and ran off.

One FBI agent wanting to know why Escobar sent the surgeons a ham, then demanding to put in guards and eventually surveillance cameras at the surgery.

One boss lady/former prostitute/blackmailee telling her blackmailer, Madame Jacqueline Bisset, that she can't use the surgery for her organ-theft ring anymore, since the Feds will be watching.

One sadsack surgeon encountering a drunken homeless man with a bad sunburn, played by Charles Haid, of "Hill Street Blues" semi-fame.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon finding out that the baby named Wilbur he once thought was his, but turned out to be the result of his then-girlfriend/sex addict's one-night stand with an African-American stranger, has been left to him by the baby's true father, who has died; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon is ecstatic.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon tellilng his fiancee/boss lady that they are about to become proud parents; she is not so ecstatic, and tells him she just got done changing poor dead Larry Hagman's diapers and is not ready to start changing a baby's.

One arrival of Wilbur, truly the world's cutest, most adorable and enchanting child, who, upon seeing the supposedly rat bastard surgeon for the first time in years, says "Daddy." WILBUR!

One scene of the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus making remarks about the sadsack surgeon's Gucci suit and asking if he's going to get rid of his old Brooks Brothers suits; the sadsack surgeon engages in banter with the homeless man, but fails to offer him the old suits.

One grotesque scene of a man in a Santa Claus costume getting the deadened, charred skin of his burned legs removed; your humble blogette totally called that he was burned in a chimney.

One lesbian couple--half of which is played by Alanis Morrissette--asking if the sadsack surgeon could take Santa's place at the charity picture-taking event for which they are volunteering at the local mall.

One extremely drunk sadsack surgeon scaring, shocking, and freaking out a series of children who had the misfortune of sitting on the knee of Drunken Sadsack Santa.

One extremely drunk sadsack surgeon flirting with a female dwarf in an elf costume inside Santa's Workshop; he asks her if she "knows Marlowe" (!) and when she asks which elf he is, the surgeon responds, "He was my wife's elf." (!)

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon arriving at the mall with WILBUR, the word's cutest and most adorable child, to see Santa and ask for presents; instead, he, WILBUR, and the two lesbians witness Santa getting his own kind of present, a b.j. from the female elf (!).

One scene of the sadsack surgeon being confronted by the woman with the g-spot amplification; apparently her g-spot is so amplified that she can't drive a car, get a vibrating phone call, or take a spinning class without "full release"; she is miserable and demands a do-over; she also rightly accuses the sadsack surgeon of being drunk when he performed the operation.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon coming in to console the g-spot lady, offer her a free do-over with "complimentary Botox," and accuse the drunken sadsack of being a drunken sadsack.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's boss lady/fiancee discovering with great pleasure and joy that not only is WILBUR an African-American baby, but he is also the cutest, most adorable child ever to walk the face of the earth.

One sadsack surgeon on the beach at nigh getting drunk by a fire; he is confronted by the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus, who tells him that a) he just earned $20 in a "bum fight," which makes your humble blogette want to commit hari kari, and b) the drunken sadsack surgeon needs to hold onto the light and get past the darkness in his life; he throws the drunken sadsack surgeon's bottle of booze into the ocean.

One drunken sadsack surgeon offering to stitch up the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus' beaten-up face.

One drunken sadsack surgeon offering to let the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus sleep in the recovery room and inviting him over to his house for Christmas the next day.

One scene of Madame Jacqueline Bisset, also in the recovery area, speaking in French to one of the scary and super-hot Asian gangsters, who threatens to break her neck if she doesn't meet their "Christmas quota."

One very bad feeling descending on your humble blogette.

One scene of Madame Jacqueline Bisset offering champagne to the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus, after calling champagne "the reason for living."

One scene of domestic bliss--the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, his boss lady/fiancee, and WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child ever to walk the earth, enjoying Christmas Eve together--interrupted by Madame Jacqueline Bisset, who demands the boss lady/fiancee come over to the surgery.

One horrible shot of the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus on an operating table with all of organs removed; Madame Jacqueline Bisset demands that the boss lady help her remove the body.

One totally spot-on call by your humble blogette that the ladies will use Santa toy sacks to remove the body in front of the FBI agents stationed at the surgery.

One incredibly sad scene of the sadsack surgeon boxing up his old Brooks Brothers suits and placing it under the tree.

One arrival of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child to ever walk the earth, at the sadsack surgeon's house to spend Christmas Eve with him.

One shocking set of previews indicating that Madam Jacqueline Bisset is going to kidnap WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child to ever walk the earth, and possibly STEAL HIS ORGANS! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

One blogette on the edge of her seat! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

J'accuse, Friends of Kid Rock. J'accuse!

Oh, I just knew that the Kid Rock p.r. camp was not going to be able to let sleeping dogs lie! After yesterday's report in Page Six which claimed he called Pamela Anderson a "slut" and a "whore" after watching her in the "Borat" movie, it was inevitable that someone associated with Kid would fling about some crapola about Pammy. And so in today's Page Six we have the classy move we've all been waiting for: The attack on Pam's mothering. Oh, and her lack of funds, because nothing is worse than not being rich:
FRIENDS of Kid Rock (real name Bob Richie) say his marriage to Pam Anderson ended after four months because he was tired of staying home with the kids while she was out partying..

"Bob rearranged his life for Pamela," a Rock pal tells us. "He moved from Detroit - something he said he would never do - and moved his son to L.A. to be with her."

But once Rock was in L.A., he found himself a single father to not only his son, Robert James Richie Jr., but to Anderson's two kids, Brandon and Dylan, as well.

"Pamela would go out almost every night and end up at [photographer] David LaChapelle's studio," Rock's friend says. "Bob was home alone with the three kids."

The "Baywatch" babe confirmed that scenario in this month's Blender, which quotes her as saying, "When I go to Hollywood, I start at the Chateau Marmont and then I usually end up naked in David LaChapelle's studio taking crazy pictures. That's usually a night for me. Four or five in the morning, lying across a car in David's studio."

Kid Rock was also said to suspect that Anderson was less than truthful about the miscarriage she claims she had. "Bob never saw any proof or heard from her at any time that she was pregnant. She announced she had a miscarriage. He flew to Canada [where she's shooting "Blonde and Blonder"] to be with her and she went out every night."

As for marital assets, Rock's pal says, "Pamela doesn't have the money in the relationship - he does. She also refused to sign a pre-nup that he asked her to."

A rep for Anderson said, "There was an agreement there would be a post-nup, which was being negotiated up until they split. Pam is a wonderful mother, always there for her kids, and has only been to David's twice since she married. And unfortunately, she absolutely had a miscarriage and only found out she was pregnant a few days before."

An Anderson friend adds, "Every time Pam was shooting her movie, her mother came to watch the kids because Bob was in Detroit recording an album. He never once single-parented her kids."

I must say, this is quite a low blow. First she is a whore, now she is a whore who is unfit to raise her children. For shame, "pals" of Kid Rock. For shame! Pam Andersom may be a lot of things, but I've never heard even a breath of gossip that she was anything other than a doting, devoted mother. (Except that she should be sterilized if she even contemplates having more kids with Tommy Lee.)

At long last, have you finally so sense of decency, sirs?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Borat Ruins (Or Saves) Yet More Lives

As I predicted, the mud-slinging in the Pam Anderson/Kid Rock Dissolution of Sacred, Holy Nuptials has already begun. According to Page Six, the reason for the divorce is Mr. Anderson's reaction to his wife's role in the "Borat" movie, of course. Can (Canadian-)Americans do anything bad without it being Borat's fault?:
The final straw was a bellicose blowup Rock threw at Universal Studio chief Ron Meyer's Beverly Hills house two weeks ago.

"Ron Meyer held a screening of 'Borat' at his house for a bunch of people, including Pam and Bob," says an Anderson pal. "It was the first time Bob had seen the movie, and, well, he didn't like it."

The hugely popular film shows Sasha Baron Cohen - in character as Borat Sagdiyev - falling in love with Anderson after seeing her in a "Baywatch" rerun, then driving across America in order to propose marriage to her.

Her friend tells Page Six, "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.

"Pam thought he could have a sense of humor about the movie. She was in on the gag from the very beginning and loved doing the movie. And on the eve of what was supposed to be a very positive thing, he made it an awful night.

"Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them," the friend relates. "Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man."

Wow. If this report from Pam's "friend" has even a teensy tiny grain of truth in it, I am certainly going to have re-evaluate my stance on Kid Rock and his niceness. And really, Kid, did you not realize how slutty your wife was before the "Borat" movie? She has the most famous fake boobs in the world! You can't blame her for being her. She's just as God and an army of plastic surgeons made her. Can you fault a sillicone-enhanced butterfly for flapping its beautiful wings? Well, maybe you can, but it's not very realistic.

I wonder what "pal" of Kid is going to come forward now with tales of blow-ups by Miss Pamela? Maybe they'll say she went nuts after seeing Mr. Rock's appearance as a "rock star" /murder suspect on "CSI: NY" and shrieked to everyone within earshot that the show revealed his true self to her at last, and it turns out he's nothing but an "unattractive trashy ersatz southern rocker from Detroit!" This could get ugly! Huzzah!

Monday, November 27, 2006

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Hard as it is to believe, it seems that yet another Golden Couple of Camelot is calling it quits, as Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce. Say it ain't so! From CNN:
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock each filed divorce papers Monday seeking to end their marriage of less than four months.

Anderson's representative would not comment on the reason or any particulars of the divorce. Anderson and Rock, whose real name is Robert Ritchie, each cited "irreconcilable differences" in their divorce filings in Los Angeles County Superior Court.

"Yes, it's true," Anderson wrote in a brief statement on her Web site. "Unfortunately impossible."

A message left with Ritchie's attorney wasn't immediately returned.

The relationship between Anderson, 39, and Ritchie, 35, has been a turbulent one since they became engaged in 2002. They broke up the following year, but later reunited and held several wedding ceremonies over the summer.

They were wed in late July near St. Tropez, France, and again at a courthouse in Beverly Hills on August 3. They also tied the knot in an August 17 ceremony in Nashville, Tenn.

I wonder what was the final nail in the coffin? The miscarriage? His mom wearing fur to their holy, sacred nuptials? The fact that he is Kid Rock? (Although I am not, actually, a Kid Rock hater. He always seemed kind of sweet to me. Hideous, but sweet. At least he's not developmentally challenged/mildly retarded like Tommy Lee; but why these two dudes are her only options, I've never understood.) I'm sure more dirt will be forthcoming, so stay tuned!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Marriage Is A Sacred Truss

Janet Charlton has a delightful tidbit about the faux TomKat nuptials:
Tom was wearing a GIRDLE under his tuxedo at his wedding! In case you haven't noticed, Tom packed on around twenty pounds in the past few months before the big event. He says he's a "nervous eater." And he's had a lot to be nervous about - his exit from Paramount and his high octane marriage. When Tom arrived in Rome, we hear that Giorgio Armani was apoplectic because the wedding tux was too small. Armani personally tended to all the fittings while Tom's pants were let out and various details were adjusted. Tom wanted to look svelte so he didn't protest when Giorgio suggested girdling Tom's midsection so the jacket would fall properly. The corset was sewn into Tom's undergarment. Everyone was sworn to secrecy, but those Armani employees love to gossip, and are we grateful for THAT!

Tee-hee! Between Tom's girdle, Katie's kneeling on a stepladder, the Spice Rack, and the entire Scientology ceremony, was there anything about that wedding based in reality?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

They're Not Gay, But They Do Love The...

Whew! I'm still reeling from the incredible awesomeness of last night's surprise appearance by blous-a-palooza (and Felt Up fave rave) Brenda Vaccaro and the bitchfest she laid on Catherine Deneuve. Really, "Nip/Tuck," your commitment to resurrecting glamourous ladies of bygone eras and putting them in compromising positions on your show is to be commended! A tv program in 2006 featuring guest performances by Catherine Denueve, Brenda Vaccaro, and Jacqueline Bisset--all in the same episode? Unheard of--and oh, so heavenly! Bravo!

But back to business. On last night's "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One glamourous French lady played by (huzzah!) Catherine Deneuve, who asks the plastic surgeons to replace her current breast implants with ones that have been injected with the ashes of her late husband.

One supposedly nice surgeon, who would usually be the one to pooh-pooh such a suggestion, who is so upset over the recent departure of his wife and daughter that he finds the French lady's idea very "romantic."

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who thinks the idea is too wacky to consider.

One supposedly nice surgeon who gets upset when told that the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/interracial lover have made the decision that they will not perform the ash implant surgery.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who tells the other surgeon that he should "see someone" to talk about the loss of his wife and child.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon proposing marriage to his boss lady/interracial lover by putting a diamond ring in her champagne glass; she says she "wants to say yes," but is worried that he is not thinking through what kind of commitment marriage really means; she also demands that he sell his incredibly gay-decorated condo/sexual playground.

One supposedly nice surgeon who sees "someone," all right--crazy Dr. Brooke Shields, licensed therapist/diagnosed sexual compulsive/potential stalker!

One scene of crazy Dr. Brooke Shields, who is so enraged at the news that her potential stalkee, the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, has gotten engaged to his boss lady, that she tells the supposedly nice surgeon that his partner came to her for help because of his homosexual feelings for the supposedly nice surgeon and that the only way he can regain a sense of control over his life is to perform the dead husband ash breast implant operation on M. Deneuve.

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon about to operate on M. Deneuve, while a nonplussed supposedly rat bastard surgeon asks what the hell is going on.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon showing his condo to fellow metrosexual horndog/plastic surgeon/bare-ass shower-offer Dr. Mario Lopez, who clearly wants to emulate his hero by buying the condo; his hero keeps seeing The Ghosts of Sexual Partners Past, including Kimber, his former fiancee/former porn star/current daughter-in-law, blind Natasha (Rebecca Gayheart), and Abby Mays (Rebecca Metz), the one who had to wear a bag over her face while getting sexed by the supposedly rat bastard surgeon while he was in full rat bastard mode.

One scene of the newly-engaged boss lady entering her office to find Madame Jacqueline Bissett, who demands the use of the surgery three nights a week for her organ-theft ring; the boss lady refuses and slaps her hard across the face.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon telling the supposedly nice surgeon that he's having doubts about marrying the boss lady, which leads to the supposedly nice surgeon reavealing that Dr. Brooke Shields has told him all about the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's gay feelings for him, and that he shouldn't worry, because they are brothers and he still loves him, just not in that way.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who denies he is gay and says "Is it my eyebrows? If I don't wax, I get this unibrow thing, and it gets ugly. Just because I groom 'em doesn't mean I've gone 'Brokeback'," which is a funny line, even though I'm getting rather bored with the the whole "Brokeback Mountain"-as-shorthand-for-all-things-gay thing.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon confronting crazy Dr. Brooke Shields in her office; he brings in the supposedly nice surgeon, whom he tells all about Dr. Brook's diagnosed sexual compulsion, and how he bent her over the desk, and how she had a tattoo on her lower back removed that said "Property of Marco"; when she protests, he bends her over the desk and lifts up her jacket and blouse to reaveal...the "Property of Dr. Christian Troy" tattoo that she had (very painfully) put over the place where the old one had been.

One scene of M. Deneuve, whose post-operation recovery is violently and hilariously interrupted by Brenda Vaccaro, whose husband's ashes are inside M. Deneuve's boobs; it turns out M. Deneuve was the late Victor's mistress, not his wife; look out! Vaccaro is on a rampage!

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon entering his office to find Madame Jacqueline Bissett, whose face is a terrible black-and-blue pulp; apparently the hot Asian gangsters roughed her up so that she would speed up the organ thieving ASAP.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon agreeing to perform plastic surgery on Madame Jacqueline Bisset's face.

One boss lady/fiancee who, while scantily-clad and leaning seductively on the supposedly rat bastard's bed, is not amused to discover he just operated on her blackmailer/former pimp; she storms out; the marriage is in jeopardy!

One contrite supposedly nice surgeon, who tells the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that they are under court order to remove the dead husband's ashes from M. Deneuve and return them to the Widow Vaccaro.

One scene of the boss lady coming into the surgery at night to find Madame Jacqueline Bisset and her Slavic prostitute/amateur surgeon removing the kidney of some poor schmuck on the operating table while a creepy version of "Que Sera Sera" plays in the background.

One supposedly nice surgeon coming into the surgery the next day to apologize to his boss lady (who is frantically cleaning) about being a dick, welcome her to the family, and have a nice hug; the camera pulls away to show some leftover blood from the organ theft the night before.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon packing up the condo! The marriage is back on! But he has one last look at The Ghosts of Sexual Partners Past and tells them "it's been swell."

One supposedly nice surgeon handing over a box of ashes to the Widow Vaccaro, who then gleefully runs around the office trying to find a toilet to flush down the remains; she finally dumps them in a sink and says they will be food for the fishes; apparently neither the Widow Vaccaro nor her attorney thinks to have the ashes authenticated by a lab.

One supposedly nice surgeon in a recovery room with M. Deneuve; he reveals that he actually gave the Widow Vaccaro some of M. Deneuve's old cigarette ashes and hands the real ashes to a tearful M. Deneuve, who thanks the surgeon by giving him a nice, lingering kiss on the mouth. (Which means actor Dylan Walsh is the luckiest man on American television!) Quelle romantique!

One series of previews indicating that next week's episode is entirely about the supposedly nice surgeon's drunken escapades duing the holidays!

One blogette agog at the genius of this show!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

My Girl Wants To Barfy All The Time, Barfy All The Time

Jeannette Walls'"Scoop" column has this hilarious story about Paris "P-Hole" Hilton being her usual classy, alluring self:
To paraphrase Paris Hilton: that’s not hot.

The partying heiress was performing in Las Vegas, when she “puked” on stage, according to crooner Joshua Radin.

Radin was visiting Vegas with the cast of “Scrubs” and went to a nightclub to hear Jay-Z perform.

“Paris Hilton …was sitting next to me the whole night. Seriously, next to me, like our legs were touching for a good 5 hours,” Radin wrote on his MySpace site. “Now don’t get the wrong idea. She never once said hello, nor even looked in my direction. Five hours. And it was unreal to watch. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every 6 minutes to stare at herself and pose while Jay-Z was performing 18 inches from us.”

When Jay-Z left the stage, according to Radin, it was Hilton’s moment. “Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her ‘record’ on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs,” writes Radin. “She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves. . . I find the music business charming.”

I think the main thing that this Joshua Radin fellow (do the kids like him? who the hell is he? I'm old!) ought to do now is scrub his leg in lye for about 24 hours and then take a nice, long "Silkwood"-style shower. No telling what kind of mangy vermin he contracted from prolongued contact with P. Hole's leg...

Also, did Jay-Z actually allow P-Hole to follow him onstage or did she just fling herself up there uninvited? If he let her puke on his stage and didn't have some member of his posse find her afterwards, put her in a chokehold, taser her for a few minutes in the solar plexus, and force her face down in the puke puddle until she learned what bad, bad girld she had been, I fear that Jay will have lost some of his street cred, at least around Felt Up HQ, which, believe you me, is an area famous for its stringent requirements for hip-hop credibility.

Walls also has this little tidbit involving--as all good stories do--Clay Aiken, Emmet Smith, and Kelly Ripa:
Clay Aiken fans are buzzing about their idol’s awkward moment with Kelly Ripa. The crooner was guest-hosting “Live with Regis and Kelly” last week when, during an interview with Emmet Smith he jokingly put his hand over the chatty Ripa’s mouth. Ripa was not amused. “You don’t do that,” Ripa said through a fixed smile. “I don’t know where that hand’s been.”

Well, actually, Kelly, I think you doknow where that hand has been, and here's the photographic proof, obtained exclusively by Felt Up (that's Clay's hand on the bottom right):

Come on, Kelly, we all know that's what you meant and that you were afraid that you might have some gay rubbed off on your face. Or else you really, really don't like it when people try (and fail) to muzzle you. Oh, and Kelly? While I've got your attention an all, could you please for the love of god just SHUT UP. AND STOP WITH THOSE ANNOYING TIDE LAUNDRY PEN COMMERCIALS THAT MAKE FUN OF HOW ANNOYING YOU ARE. THEY ARE DRIVING A NATION--AND A BLOGETTE--TO DRINK.

Gawker is now reporting that after Rosie O'Donnell accused Kelly Ripa of homophobia, Kelly called into "The View" to defend herself. Gawker posted a "Best of Handgate" on YouTube, and if you'd like to giggle at the inanity of it all, go here and watch.

And, finally, Us Weekly has the shocking--shocking!--news that J. Lo acted in a somewhat a
diva-like manner at the TomKat faux nuptials:

Katie Holmes was the one getting married on Saturday, but who was
the biggest diva of the weekend? Jennifer Lopez!

Tom Cruise and Holmes kindly arranged for a private plane to bring some of their more famous friends to Italy for their wedding. But a source tells Us Weekly that, hours before Jada Pinkett Smith, Leah Remini and Jerry Maguire director Cameron Crowe boarded the chartered 757 to Rome, “Jennifer Lopez sent her assistant to secure seats by laying her belongings on all the best seats!”

Lopez also flew her hairstylist, Ken Pavés, into Rome and set him up at the posh Hotel Hassler to do her hair for the big day.

Meanwhile, it’s supposed to be the bride’s special weekend, but the singer made sure that all eyes were on her at a group dinner at the restaurant Nino on Thursday night. Says a source, “The November 16 welcome dinner was supposed to be casual. But J.Lo, of course, wore a gown. So much for casual.”

And the special treatment didn’t stop there. At 2:33 a.m. in the wee hours after the wedding, Lopez, 37, had a waiter sneak two doggie bags to her and husband Marc Anthony, 38, as they were on their way to the airport to return to the States.

Uh, hello, Us Weekly, what the hell did you expect? SHE IS J. LO. THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES. I could see being startled if say, Dame Judi Dench started throwing her weight around, arriving at a casual dinner dressed in a Versace safety-pin dress a la Liz Hurley, sending underlings to throw mink throw rugs across the choices seats abord the Moet & Chandon-sponsored private jet called The Champers, while fresh puppies and kittens frolicked at her feet and Tom Jones performed a private serendade of "What's New, Pussycat?" on his hands and knees and fed her bon-bons. That might be suprising. But this is simply Standard Operating Procedure for La Lo. And really, y que?

But the best part of this article is the list of comments that readers left after being
prompted with the question: "Was J.Lo being too much of a diva? "

Here is a random sampling:

11:03 AM
Anonymous Says:

Jlo is a bitch she is so full of herself and her husband he is so AGLY. She is also serial cheater.She cheated in her all former realtion ships.

Anonymous Says:

ya white bitches are jealous because us latinas have big asses and you dont . that is why ya men are looking forus latinas

2:08 PM ; Anonymous Says:
JLO shoulda packed a dryer so her husband could dry his hair when he came out of the shower. YUCK!!

Ah, the voice of The People--let it ring out, proud and noble! And, perhaps, wise beyond its years...