Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Caption Contest!

Special thanks to Friend of Felt Up Richard M. for sending in this picture of Ricky Martin shaking his bon-bon with his totally un-gay "friend" while on vacation. Not that there's anything wrong with that:

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(via dlisted)

Leave your captions in the comments box. Good luck!

Here's another photo from the same series for your viewing pleasure. Caption either one or both, I don't care!

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Is Eva A Self-Loathing "Mexican"?

Eva Longoria has been taken to task for allegedly calling an Hispanic policeman in San Antonio "a Mexican bike cop," which she says is totally untrue, as she would never say such a thing, being "Mexican" herself--not to mention an avid cycling enthusiast.

The whole enchilada was reported in today's New York Daily News:
"Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria morphed into an obnoxious girlfriend when a Texas traffic cop ticketed her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, police said.

The officer who confronted sexy Longoria and San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker said the naughty lady of Wisteria Lane called him "a Mexican bike cop" and hurled an expletive at him as well.

The pint-size hottie denies saying anything wrong.

The fireworks started when the officer, who was on a bike, spotted Parker blocking traffic on a San Antonio street and rapped the hood of his car with his hand.

The ticked-off Parker gave the cop lip about touching his wheels and then he and Longoria, 30, "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," a police official said.

Cops say Parker, 23, then started to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby.

After being ordered to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said. He got two tickets.

The star guard for the defending NBA champions was born in Belgium and raised in France.

The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: " 'This is all the cops do, just mess with people,' " and that Longoria shouted from the car: " 'He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph.' "

Through her publicist, Longoria said, "The police report is highly inaccurate, defamatory, false and fraudulent."

"I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as I am a Mexican myself," she fumed.

Wow. I had no idea Tony Parker was just 23! How old is Eva, like 45? 50? Awesome!

I think it's funny that the whole debacle happened because Tony didn't want a peon touching his fancy car. Even a peon who happened to be Johnny Law. (Or should I say, Juanny Ley? Oh, God, I'm going straight down the crapper. Just ignore me. It's the holiday malaise talking!) Also, I love that Tony still only carries his French driving license. C'est tres chic, n'est pas?

As to the issue at hand, it's hard to figure out what ole lady Eva actually said, though. Is she really dumb enough to hurl racial epithets at a fellow Latino in San Antonio, of all places? She is a fiery Chicana spitfire, though, so who knows? Ay, ay, ay!

Of course the question on a nation's lips is: How will this ugly incident affect Eva's animated movie debut as the love intersest of one our most beloved cartoon characters?

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"Speedy G.: Full Throttle" is set for a summer 2006 release. Stay tuned!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The Winnah(s)--It's A Three-Way!

No, not a three-way between Santa and his 'hos (although I'm sure that did, indeed, go down--as it were), but the captions were especially spectacular this time around. One entry was even in the form of a poem! It's a Christmukkah miracle!

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(via a socialite's life)

Twas the night before Christmas and through the doors of the party,
walked Paris and Nicky, just ten minutes tardy.
"Oh Santa, take a picture please!"
"Oh no," thought Santa,"I don't want to be seen with that sleaze."
Someone grabbed a camera and yelled, "Say cheese!"
And now Santa has a venereal disease. (anonymous)

Santa couldnt fit these two bags in his sled (erica)

Due to a fatal spelling error, the Hilton sisters signed away their souls to
Santa rather than Satan for another 27 minutes of fame. (porkmuffin)

Happy nondenominational holiday of your choice, Felt Up army. God bless us, every one!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Newsflash! Madonna Is a Miserable Cow

Elton John, who just got legally married to longtime boyfriend David Furnish in England, where they are obviously much more civilized about these things, had some choice words to say about former friend Madonna the night before the nuptials took place, according to MSNBC's Scoop column:
At a cabaret “hen night” the evening before, John called the event “one of the greatest things in my life,” though he took pains to complain that Madonna had been approached about the performing at the event. “Madonna, the miserable cow, wouldn’t do it,” he said. “David asked her three times.”

Former pals Madonna and Elton John had a very public falling out after John accused her of lip synching at concerts. “I'm sure he said it with great affection,” Madonna's spokeswoman told the Scoop. “Madonna wishes Elton and David all the best, I'm sure. She's on holiday with her family.”

I loooooooove that Elton John never seems to have anything nice to say anytime about anyone, but isn't he just stating the obvious? Madonna has been a miserable cow for going on a decade, now. Believe it or not, he somehow managed to have a festive wedding without Her Madgesty's Kabbalah-quoting faux-English accent in attendance. Page Six reported today that "Bryan Adams and the Scissor Sisters performed for the likes of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Elizabeth Hurley and Kid Rock."

The Scissor Sisters at a big fat gay wedding? Check! Liz Hurley? Gag, barf, and check! Sharon and Ozzy will show up at a door opening, so that's too be expected. But Kid Rock? Bryan Adams? They seem somewhat out of place. Whatever. Who am I to second-guess a blushing bride's fairy tale nuptials?

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Mozel tov, you crazy kids!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Blind Items From Across the Pond!

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From British gossipmongers Popbitch:

1.) Which Hollywood superstar's new relationship seems entirely to be conducted in the full glare of the media? Maybe it's because her funnyman beau prefers men?

2.) Who is Kate Moss going to hook up with
next? Well, just before she fell for Doherty she had sex with a cartoonish indie singer in the toilet of a house party.

3.) Which former teen-band idol copped off at a gay sauna last week with a rather cute rent boy?

Am I tramautized by the season finale of "Nip/Tuck," or do these seem kind of difficult? Is it possible the first one refers to the the actress whose name sounds like Bennifer Canniston, and her boyfriend Mince Maughn? The second one could be a singer whose name rhymes with Shame-On Mallturn, from the band whose name sounds like Furillaz?

Any guesses, people? Leave them in the comments box! I need answers!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nip/Tuck Carver Spoiler

Warning, warning, blah blah spoiler blah blah blah. Cut to the chase: The "Nip/Tuck" season finale was on tonight, and it was revealed that The Carver is Latin doctor/swinger Quentin...AND Kit, the incredibly inept English bisexual detective, who turned out to be Quentin's sister! They were working together! Oh, and Quentin was born without a penis! He used a strap-on for the rapes! And Kit was born with a deformed face, and apparently is not actually English! (We already knew she was no detective!) And they totally get off scot free, carving their little hearts out at a sunny resort!

Also, the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son Matt helps the trannie he beat to a pulp get a new face from Sean, but also inadertently leads his crazy white supremacist ex-girlfriend and her Nazi dad to kidnap the trannie and force Matt to cut off his/her johnson and then bury him/her alive, but luckily Matt confronts the gun-wielding Nazi, giving the trannie enough time to rise from his/her grave and smash the Nazi with a shovel. I bet that poor trannie rues the day he/she ever met creepy Matt, let me tell you! Rues!

There is also something wrong with Sean and Julia's baby, but she's not telling Sean and we don't know what it is! Down's Syndrome? Deformity? Fetal alcohol syndrome? Big nose? We won't find out until next year!

The most horrific part of the show came when Christian's fiancee Kimber is found after being held captive by the Carver(s), who "undid"--without anesthesia--all ten of the plastic surgery procedures she'd had done over the years, including the removal of her breast implants, the injection of chicken fat into her tummy, and blowtorching her face to simulate sun damage. Really sick, grotesque stuff. I had to have Terri R. watch and tell me what happened for most of the two-episode finale, because I'm too sensitive a soul for this kind of horror show.

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I can't wait 'till next season!

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

This time, Felt Up gives you little yule-tide spirit, whether you want it or not. Behold the Hilton Sisters, with a dear old friend of the family:

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(via a socialite's life)

Leave your festive captions in the comments box, as per usual. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Baby, watch the ZIPPER!(LB)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Another Reason To Carry On

Just got word (thanks for the tip Terri R.!) that the next season of "Dancing With The Stars" will feature George Hamilton! Huzzah! From WENN:
Tatum O'Neal, George Hamilton and Tia Carrere are among the celebrities who have signed up to compete in the second season of the hit US reality show Dancing With The Stars.

The stars will be paired with professional ballroom dancers on the series, in which one couple gets eliminated each week until the winning pair is found.

Actress Lisa Rinna, teen rapper Romeo and Nick Lachey's brother Drew Lachey will also be competing on the show, which begins airing in the US on January 5.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this is going to be so incredibly awesome! I predict that Lisa Rinna will have her bony ass kicked by cold-blooded tango fiend Tatum O'Neil, and that Drew Lachey will weep like a leetle girl at the superior paso doble of George Hamilton. Wheeee! I can't wait!

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Felt Up is Feeling Down

Sorry for the lack of posts, o loyal readers, but your humble Felt Up blogette is under the weather.

I did, however, hear that boozy babehound Colin Farrell has checked into rehab for addiction to prescription pain-killers (what's so wrong about that?) and that Madonna is still insufferable.

Discuss amongst yourselves, and I'll be back as soon as I can!

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Friday, December 09, 2005

Damon: The Omen II

If getting up is Hollywood's number one pastime these days, a close second is getting knocked up. One of WENN's headlines today is, rather hilariously:
Damon's Fiancee Barroso "Pregnant"

Well, is she or isn't she? Apparently she is:
Hollywood actor Matt Damon and his fiancee Luciana Barroso are expecting their first child together.

Barroso, who Damon proposed to shortly before America's Labor Day holiday, is three months pregnant, according to US TV show Access Hollywood.

The child will be Damon's first - Barroso has a six-year-old daughter, Alexa, from a previous relationship.

Poor Luciana. If she has a boy or girl, it doesn't matter: The child will no doubt be a dead-ringer for Hilary Swank...

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Both of whom are, I'm sad to say, prettier than the future Mrs. Damon:

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Did I just say that?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The End of Camelot

I suppose we'll all remember where we were when we first heard the news:
CNN is reporting that Nicole "Don't Call It An Eating Disorder" Richie and her fiance, Adam "Gastric Bypass" Goldstein (aka DJ AM) have broken up:
Nicole Richie and her fiance, Adam Goldstein, have called off their nine-month engagement.

Richie's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, confirmed to The Associated Press on Wednesday that the couple have split. She said the breakup had been in the works for several days, but would not give any further details.

Yes, it's the end of an era. I'm sure that hose nine months of the Goldstein/Richie engagement are going to be looked upon by future generations as a golden era of Hollywood romance, extreme dieting, and public relations mastery. Another Camelot has come to its tragic end...

Man, what is going on with Hollywood's Golden Couples? First Mary-Kate and Paris Latsis, then Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis, then Nick-n-Jess, then Kim "Jen Aniston is Homely" Stewart and that Talan dude from "Laguna Beach," then Christina Applegate and Jonathan Shaech, and now Nicole and DJ AM! And that's just the D-List! And thhat's not even counting the A-List break-up of Jen-n-Brad, the B-List marriage collapse of Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, or the C-List divorce of Tori Spelling and whoever that guy was that she married! It's like an epidemic!

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A glorious, wondrous epidemic!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What Happens In Vegas...Oh, I Can't. I'm Sick To Death of That Slogan.

Today's lead Page Six story is all about the extra-sleazy goings-on of Mr. Brandon "The Oily-Haired Oil Heir" Davis, and his trials and tribulations as a compulsive gambler:
HOLLYWOOD party monster Brandon Davis is said to have exacted vengeance on the Hard Rock Hotel/Casino by winning $100,000 playing blackjack and craps at the Las Vegas playpen last weekend.

Davis, the former Mischa Barton boy toy and grandson of late Beverly Hills billionaire Marvin Davis, was banned from the Hard Rock back in 2002 after he blew through a $150,000 credit line and didn't pay his gambling debt fast enough.

Harry Morton, the son of Hard Rock owner Peter Morton and a childhood friend of Brandon, allegedly arranged for the credit line after Brandon turned 21.

But when Brandon didn't pay up, he and Harry stopped speaking to each other, and the resulting family feud froze relations between the Davises and the Mortons.

Marvin Davis, the oil magnate who once owned 20th Century Fox, used to eat every night with his wife, Barbara, at Mortons, the L.A. power-dining spot owned by the Morton family. But the Davises took their business elsewhere after the Mortons started dunning them over Brandon's bad debt.

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I'm tellin' ya, thar's OIL in them hairs!

OK, so far, so bad. Are we really supposed to feel sorry for lil' Brandon because he couldn't pay back a $150,000 line of credit to a casino? A line of credit that was a personal favor from an old friend? But wait, just when you thought it couldn't get any tackier:
Tom Arnold, who was Brandon's sobriety coach, told PAGE SIX after he was banned from the casino: "He's really turned his life around. This was a nasty thing for Peter Morton to do to him. Brandon sold everything he owned to pay this debt back."

But Brandon was back in Vegas last weekend partying with "Girls Gone Wild" guru Joe Francis, who was in town to catch the Jermain Taylor/Bernard Hopkins middleweight championship fight on Saturday night. Francis — who was luxuriating at his mansion in Mexico yesterday and could not be reached — apparently booked the $10,000-a-night "Real World" penthouse suite at the Palms Hotel/Casino.

It's unclear whether the ban on Davis was lifted or whether he got around it. But a Hard Rock spokeswoman tried to cast doubt on whether he actually made that supposed six-figure score.

"The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino has a policy of not commenting on its customers winning or losing money," she said. "However, with Mr. Davis, there is usually a disparity between reality and rhetoric."

Good God, man! Tom Arnold, Joe Francis--is there no end to your depravity? It's all, not to mention icky ick. And if you are, indeed a billionaire, why did you have to sell everything you own to pay back $150,000?

And the burning question on a nation's lips: What in the name of all things holy did Mischa "I'm Acting As Fast As I Can--No Make That As Slowly As I Can" Barton ever see in you? And why is she now dating Kim "Jen Aniston Is Homely" Stewart's sloppy seconds, Cisco "I Never Met A Headband I Didn't Like" Adler?

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Cisco, his headband, and his lady.

I think the United Nations should immmediately set up a fact-finding commission to get to the bottom of these questions, once and for all!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Trouble in Federdise

More marital woes for Britney Spears and K-Fed. Page Six reports today that Brit wants to "punish" her husband for...well, for being her husband:
THINGS seem to be going from bad to worse in the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline marriage.

Spears, who kicked her under-employed, party-loving hubby out of her Malibu abode last week, is now said to be "furious" with her man and "wants to punish him," according to a well-informed source.

A spy in Spears' camp told PAGE SIX, "She is trying to repossess the $200,000 Ferrari she bought him. She is sick and tired of his partying ways and the constant flow of complete drug addicts coming in and out of her house."

The fight that led to Spears booting Federline from their home reportedly began over his having his "weedman" — or pot dealer — over to the house and hanging around their newborn son, Sean Preston.

After she kicked Federline out on Thursday, Spears went out dancing at Los Angeles hot spot LAX.

Federline, for his part, didn't seem to mind the sudden freedom. He spent the weekend partying with pals in Las Vegas — presumably on Spears' dime.

According to our sources, Federline and "an entourage" danced away until 4:30 a.m. at Tao while Mike Tyson and Joy Bryant looked on.

A friend of Federline said, "The problem is Britney's mom [Lynne Spears]. She hates Kevin. Since the day Britney had the baby, she has not left Britney's side. She moved into the hospital during the birth, and when Britney left the hospital, the mother moved into the house.

"[Lynne] insists on doing everything for the baby," our source continued. "She feeds it, she cleans it, she bathes it, and she won't let Kevin touch him...

"Kevin can't leave Britney because she's got all the money, but it's awful. Her mom hates him, and she won't get out of the house. The mom and everyone around Britney is telling her to get rid of Kevin. Kevin isn't going anywhere — Britney is picking up the bills."

Oh, boo-hoo, Kevin. Stop complaining! If I were Britney's mother I wouldn't let you hold the baby either! Or dance near it or do your lil' "raps" within earshot or anything! I would have had you killed long ago! You're just very lucky they haven't figured out how to freeze your bank account, or how to have you offed in a freak white-boy corn-row "accident"!

I wish I could feel more sorry for you, Britney--I want to! I really do!--but I just feel you are getting what you paid for. For some unknown reason you thought this yokel would be an ideal husband and father--exposed underpants, droopy britches, and trucker hats are a pretty good indication to the contrary, my dear; also, the fact that his girlfriend was pregnant with his second child when you met--and now you are finally figuring out that you should have listened to your mama and shot a blow-dart into Cameron Diaz' neck and waited for Justin T. to come back where he belongs, in your matronly upper arms.

Actually, that plan is still valid. Just get rid of K-Fed, and pronto! It's not too late! Looky, you can wear a cute costume and everything:

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Good luck!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post. (By the way, excellent job, people! It was a hard decision to make, but that's why they pay me the big bucks.) Anywho, your new challenge is to caption this photo of Mr. Orlando Bloom:

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You know the drill: Leave captions in comments box and then sweat it out while I take my own sweeeeeeeet time picking a winner. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Monkey: "I don't know, either... it started as a pimple on my ass." (Bill Henry)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over

We'll all remember where we were when we heard the news that, lo, on this day, a Garfleck was borne unto the world. From CNN:
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck welcomed a baby girl into the world Thursday.

Representatives for both actors confirmed the birth to The Associated Press. Their publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, said the child was born at 6:26 p.m. Thursday.

"Mother, father and baby are doing great," Sunshine and King confirmed. They would not give any other details.

It is the first child for Garner, 33, and Affleck, 33, who were married in June.

The confirmation came after several media outlets reported the baby's birth -- hours before the time of birth supplied by Sunshine and King. Us Weekly reported the baby was born Wednesday night, and E! News said the couple had named her Violet.

As Friend of Felt Up Michele S. so rightly pointed out, "With such a lengthy gestation, you'd think it'd arrive on the scene ready to enroll in prep school!" Yes, it did seem as though Jennifer Garner was pregnant for several years. It's just too bad the baby was not a boy, because I could've weaved in some kind of reference to Will Farrell's sketch on "Saturday Night Live" in which he emerges as a 37-year-old man from Rachel Dratch's womb. Oh, wait, I just did.

Shrinky Dinks

Jeannette Walls is reporting in her Scoop column that:
Britney Spears is reportedly looking to powers beyond to solve her marital woes. She’s said to have consulted a psychic.

The singer sought help from the supernatural after her hubby, Kevin Federline, reportedly refused to see a therapist.

“She’s willing to have a third party arbitrate the problems,” a friend told the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly, but her spouse of 15 months allegedly refused, saying, “That’s for crazy people. If you want to see a shrink, go by yourself.”
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So Brit went to the psychic. “She wants to know if Kevin will cheat, if they’ll have another child and if the marriage will last,” the pal said. Spears, who is said to be up for a role in Broadway’s “Sweet Charity,” also asked the psychic if it would be a good idea to find a role in the play for her hubby, according to the mag. The psychic said that would just mean more problems. Spears’ rep didn’t return calls for comment.

In happier news, Spears reportedly went on a shopping spree in ABC Carpet in Manhattan and dropped $30,000 at Michal Negrin’s jewelry shop there in less than a half an hour. “She was sweet and polite,” a store employee reported. “She just went in and out.”

Well, it does make sense for The Federlines; crazy people see shrinks, and trashy crazy people go to gypsy fortune-tellers on the side of the road.

Looky here, K-Fed even managed to find a psychic who looks like Brits:

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I wonder what else the happy couple asked her? I bet they went in separately, and perhaps it went somthing like this:

Britney: "Will Kevvie-Wevvie spend 'every last penny of my money,' like my momma keeps tellin' me? And how many pennies do I got, anyways?"

K-Fed: "How many Benjamins will my woman generate in the next five years? And could you tell me in a way I can understand, yo? Like, how many Ed Hardy trucker hats is that? Word."

Britney: "Do guys still think I'm hot? They do, don't they? Yeah, they do. You don't have to even answer that one, I already know." (nervous laugh)

K-Fed: "Will my wife ever be as hot as when we met? She's lost some baby weight, but damn! It ain't the same! She used to be as fine as the babes at Hooters, and now she's gone all Mommie McChub on me. Word."

Britney: "Are Justin and whatsername going to get married? Like, I wanna yell, 'Ha, ha! I win! Ya'll lose! I got married first! AND HAD A SWEET PRECIOUS BAAAAAAAAABY!' But then somethin' tells me they'd just laugh at me. I'm not sure why, exactly...."

K-Fed: "Are their any of them pavarottis outside this mobile home? I gots to be careful, they all be chasin' me around, tryin' to snap my picture and hear my rhymes before they drop. Word."

And so on.

Wendie Jo Sperber

Sad news today that actress Wendie Jo Sperber, best known for her work on "Bosom Buddies" and in "Back to the Future," has passed away after a long fight with breast cancer. According to WENN:
Actress Wendie Jo Sperber has lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 46.

Sperber shot to fame on TV opposite Tom Hanks in hit 1980s sitcom Bosom Buddies and also won critical acclaim for her roles in Private Benjamin and, more recently, Will & Grace.

She also starred in movies like Back To The Future and Sorority Boys.

Away from Hollywood, Sperber founded the weSpark Cancer Support Center in 2001.

Her Bosom Buddies co-star Hanks says, "The memory of Wendie Jo is that of a walking inspiration. She met the challenges of her illness with love, cheer, joy, altruism through weSpark, and an unstoppable supply of goodness. We are going to miss her as surely as we are all better for knowing her."

She is survived by her teenage children Preston and Pearl.

God, I loved "Bosom Buddies" when I was a wee lass, and Wendie Jo was a huge part of the success of that show (along with Peter Scolari, whom j'adore, and of course, Tom Hanks). Every time I catch a glimpse of Wendie Jo or Peter in a tv show or movie, I get really excited, and then a little sad at what might have been. They just didn't have the good luck that Hanks did. (To his credit, Tom Hanks tends to put Peter Scolari into bit parts in the movies he directs and always talks about how great an actor and comedian he is.)

Wendie Jo was really great in two of my favorite underrated movies, "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and "1941."

Along with Pat Morita, the loss of Wendie Jo Sperber is another blow to some of my beloved childhood pop culture memories.

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Thanks to Friend of Felt Up Terri R. for alerting me to the news. It takes a village to raise a blog...