Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Truth About Diamonds Is What I Was Originally Going To Call This Blog

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Sorry the postings have been, shall we say, a tad erratic of late, but it was my birthday yesterday, and unlike, shall we say, Mr. Greg Beets, I am not so conscientious as to force myself to blog when it's my special day. Especially when the gossip has been so lame this week. I'm sorry! Greg is a saint! The Patron Saint of Good Bloggers! And I'm their Paris Hilton!

Speaking of Ms. Hilton, there are a few tidbits about everyone's least favorite human today. First up, if you'd like to watch the video of LAPD letting drunken rich jackholes ride off into the Sunset Strip after crashing their Bentley into another car and almost hitting a pedestrian, go here. The best line comes from some dude from that "Laguna Beach" show, who yells "I'm the only sober one, let's just go!"

In other P-Hole Hilton news, the NY Daily News reports that her former BFF Nicole "I'm Wasting Away As Fast As I Can!" Richie has written a novel called, fantastically, The Truth About Diamonds, and there's a character named "Simone Westlake" who is always "accidentally on purpose" losing her cell phone. Hmmm...that does ring a tiny, annoying bell, doesn't it? Apparently this "Simone":

Coerces "rock royalty princess" Chloe Parker to pretend they're best friends for an ad campaign. Then Simone stabs Chloe in the back.

Richie describes Simone as "a model, an actress and an all-around professional fake-rich girl" who has never been "seen out of pumps since puberty ... not even in her night-vision skin flicks."

Of course, any resemblance to Paris is purely on purpose.

Christmas is coming soon, people! Pre-order your copy today!

And just in case you still haven't gotten your fill of P-hole-related hoo-ha--and really, how can you?--some guy is selling photos of her mom, Kathy Hilton, on eBay this week. They are sort of disturbing. The interesting thing to me is how much the young Kathy looks like the pre-plastic-surgery, pre-blue-contact-lens, pre-fake-everything P-Hole.

Kathy, circa 1974:

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P-Hole, circa 1998:

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Genetics don't lie, they just make you pay for a lot of rhinoplasty!

OK, one last thing, and though it has nothing whatsoever to do with P-Hole or any other Hilton, it is still quite depressing.

The bizarre and decidedly un-fashiony Victoria's Secret Fashion Show featured the usual Brazilian hottie models, who were made by God to make us all feel like crap about ourselves, good ole Tyra Banks, who, when not wearing an unrealistic fat suit, was made by God to make us all feel better about ourselves, and Heidi Klum, who, after having her second child about twenty minutes before the broadcast, looked like this:

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Apparently, Heidi was made by God to make us all feel like setting fire to the nearest Victoria's Secret, comitting hari kari in the burning embers while screaming something anti-German to the heavens, and dying in a smoldering mound of Ipex (Patent Pending) size 32 AA bras while "Kiss From A Rose" plays softly in the background.

Or is that just me?


porkmuffin said...

dude, this shit was so funny i almost shot iced tea from my nose.

Greg said...

Sheesh, that picture of p-hole is just absolutely wrong.

In other news, happy birfday, fellow Scorp!