Friday, November 18, 2005

Sometimes You Eat The Bar Mitzvah, And Sometimes The Bar Mitzvah Eats You

Huzzah! Now this is more like it! Excitingly tawdry news has come in from Page Six, which reports that craaaaaaaazy ole Brittany "I'm Starving As Fast As I Can" Murphy was the sorry subject of one of Ted Casablancas' inscrutable blind items:
Brittany Murphy has been dropped by her manager, Joanne Collonna, and her agents at ICM.

Rumors abounded yesterday, but radar.com cited a nasty, not-so-blind item in Ted Casablancas' column on E!online, which claimed a "smacked out" actress named "Jordache Junky" (Murphy has recently starred in the Jordache jeans commercials) had sex with a waiter at an industry bar mitzvah.

A rep for Murphy, who has been helping her mother deal with cancer, said, "Brittany is making a transition in her representation and has parted ways amicably with Brillstein-Grey and ICM. Not the other way around. The blind item on E!online is not Brittany."


Here's the original blind item from Ted. WARNING: TED CASABLANCAS USES OLDEN-TIMEY GOSSIP-SPEAK MIXED WITH AGGRESIVELY SNARKY/GAY LINGO THAT MAY CAUSE YOUR EYEBALLS TO EXPLODE.
If I were you, I wouldn't invite Jordache Junky to your son's bar mitzvah. She might lure him into a stairwell and do him.

Now, don't get me wrong, girlfriends. Most boys would be thrilled to get into J2's prissy undies. I mean, she's been in, like, a million movies, many of which young boys just worship.

That's why I can't believe what she pulled at a Hollywood bash last week. Gulp. There's no delicate way to put it, so here goes: J.J. banged a cater-waiter. And she didn't take him home in a doggie bag. Nope, J.J. jumped this dude's bones in the damn stairwell.

If you think it sounds sexy in an Unfaithful kinda way, hold yer Trojans. She was wasted. And while most of the gals her age dig cocaine, J2's more of a, well, horse girl. Yep, she was smacked out. Poof.

Oh, Jordache. I'm sorry 'bout all yer on-and-off relationship woes. I'm also sad for yer latest flicks--which fail on a lotta freakin' levels. But really, honey. A catering dude in a stairwell at an Industry party?!

The above shoulda been the stuff on which porn movies are based--not some sad little episode that had the guy's colleagues nodding their heads in pitiful tsk-tsks. I hear nobody even broke a damn sweat! What kind of friggin' sex act is that--something George and Laura do?

Now, I know you're not friends with Paris Hilton. But maybe you should be?

Somewhere in there is a reference to heroin abuse, at least I think so. I am in dire need of a Casablancas-to-English dictionary! It seems as if Ted is more concerned with the tackiness of doing it with a waiter at a bar mitzvah than with her being "smacked out," but what do I know? And maybe Ted is right. It is pretty tacky. Seems more like something Tara Reid would do while filming "Taradise" in Israel...oh, "Taradise." We hardly knew ye! Sob. Sniffle. Come back, Tara! Come back!

But I digress.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

I'm pretty certain that the freaky-lookin' bobble-head doll with P. Diddy here is our girl.

Remember how she looked as Tai in "Clueless"? Anyone? Well, let's just refresh our memories, shall we?

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

It's really quite startling. Brittany is one of those "I Just Grew Out Of My Baby Fat And Eat Healthy Now" girls who seem to be taking over Hollywood. I will always love her work as Luanne Platter, though...

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

At least Lu Ann still looks healthy. Mmmmm...a Lu Ann Platter with fried fish and tartar sauce and mac-n-cheese and green beans with bacon and a yeasty roll would go down easy just about now...

2 comments:

waxingbigger said...

Yeah, white horse= heroin. She is SUCH a freak. Freaak! Here's a tidbit: if'n you go to an office supply warehouse on North Lamar in Austin (west side of the street, um...north of Yellow Rose I'm thinking or nearby)...therein hangs a sitcom promo poster in the office display room that includes BM - omg. Her initials are BM. Anyway- some Disney sitcom with her at about age 10-12 pre-Clueless. Poor child. FREEEAK!

Your Dirty Secret said...

Wasn't there a followup blind item where he touched on it again and predicted the bit about her managers dumping her? Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I thought I'd read about it a second time.