Friday, November 04, 2005

Possible TomKitten Sperm Donor Found!

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent an urgent request that today's post address the "news" that model, musician, and auteur Vincent Gallo is offering his sperm for sale on his web page, for a mere one million dollars. Quite a bargain! Check out his site for more details, but here's a snippet:
Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Oh, Vincent. This is all a rather elaborate joke, isn't it? Not just the sperm thing. I mean everything. Every word you utter, every song you write, every movie you make, you're whole right-wing-Republican-sleazy-pretentious-jackhole persona-- it's all a big joke on us, the gullible saps? We're supposed to be indignant and outraged at your behavior, right? Make ourselves look stupid for not "getting it," eh?

At least I hope it's all a joke...or perhaps some kind of avant garde performance art. Aren't they the same thing?

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(via brooklyn vegan, naturellement)

2 comments:

Deron Bauman said...

must be how he paid for that Richard Meier apartment.

Anonymous said...

I like that part of the fee will be waived if he deems the woman attractive enough. Ha!

Terri R.