Tuesday, November 22, 2005

He Bang, He Bang

Oh, Ricky Martin. Today's NY Daily News has this wee item about the Latin Rick Astley:
Ricky Martin's sex life has long been the subject of speculation. But the loco-living singer offers a little too much information in the new issue of Blender.

Martin offers some icky details when he reveals he how he spices up bathtime. (Way too much information, Ricky.)

"I'm open to everything," Martin says. "There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt."

Asked about his last one-night stand, he says, "We met, we did it, we left. I don't know if we're going to meet again." What would an ex-lover say about him?

"That I'm the love of their life!" says Martin, who hedges his pronouns before becoming more gender-specific. "I'm the best man that they've ever had, a gentleman who treated them like a lady.

Hmmmm. A gentleman "who treated them like a lady" after "soft, gentle sex" and "a good spank in the butt." Now, we all know that English is not Ricky's first language, but "a good spank in the butt?" JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT, MARTIN! YOU'RE GAY! GAY, GAY, GAY! NONE MORE GAY!

And, of course, that's totally fine. It's the charade I despise, although I do realize his career in Latin (and non-Latin, for that matter) America could be ruined by admitting, as Austin Powers would say, that the "lady" was a man, man!

But does he even have a career at this point? Wasn't his last hit in like 1999 or something? All he seems to do is perform on "The Today Show." Maybe he should get his old Menudo buddies together and do a nostalgia tour, like Bobby Brown and New Edition did a while back. Then you could have all the "soft, gentle sex" in the bathtub that you want, Ricky!

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In other non-news, Christina Aguilera was finally wedded in holy, sacred matrimony to her decidedly un-cute fiance after a gazillion pre-parties, showers, bachelorette nights, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Here's a picture of her in her Christian Lacroix dress:

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Since Christina's betrothed is so u-g-l-y, I had assumed that he must be a really wonderful, sweet, kind person to sweep a star of Christina's caliber off her feet (even if she was in total skank mode at the time), but Rush & Molloy's "Daily Dish" column said today that:
You had to figure Christina Aguilera's nuptials would get a little "Dirrty."

We hear her betrothed, Jordan Bratman, made it clear at their Napa Valley wedding last weekend that he was more than qualified to satisfy the bride.

Guests at Friday's rehearsal dinner nearly choked on their sushi when Bratman raised his glass and thanked his parents for "my good looks and large [bleep]."

Jordan's brother and best man, Josh, and his father, Jack, both stood up and proudly corroborated the groom's endowment. Another bride might have wished that her future in-laws would speak a little less and hold their peace. But, whenever the subject of Jordan's manhood arose, "Christina would just smile and nod," a spy tells us.

Yep, that is straight class, all the way! Mazel tov, Mr. and Mrs. Bratman!

I give it five months, tops.

Now if Jennifer Garner would just have her Affleck baby already, maybe we will be able to move on with out lives! Hasn't she been pregnant for three years now?

5 comments:

Spare E said...

OMG, seriously! She's been walking around pregnant for 18 months!

My guess is she got a hold of one of those tremenously liberating fake coaches' guts and she's just enjoying the freedom of not having to do crunches or hold in her stomach for photos.

But yeah, as the two year mark approaches, people are bound to start asking questions....

Anonymous said...

I would totally go see a Menudo reunion show. Does that mean something is horribly wrong with me?

Terri R.

chepo said...

This sounds like the toast I had in mind for our fantasy wedding.

guile said...

dang, i loved menudo..

Anonymous said...

maybe he was being sarcastic? thanking his parents for his (nonexistant) good looks might go nicely with thanking him for his (nonexistant) endowment??