Friday, November 25, 2005

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

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Sneaky minx Jessica Simpson and her errand boy Nick "I'll Never Be As Good As Daddy" Lachey announced their separation to close friends, family, and Us Weekly over the Thanksgiving holiday:
'After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways,' the couple tells Us in an exclusive joint statement. 'This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time.'

Yeah, right. That's what Us does best, isn't it: Respect celebrities' privacy during difficult times? Ha! Nice try, Jess-n-Nick. Get ready for the dueling magazine covers: "JESS DROVE ME TO DRINK, OGLE STRIPPERS!" (Star) "JESSICA'S PAIN: NICK'S JEALOUSY OVER MY BOFFO CAREER KILLED OUR MARRIAGE!"(Us Weekly) "JESSICA FREE TO MARRY SVENGALI DAD" (National Enquirer, Felt Up).

I'm just glad our long national nightmare is finally over and I can go back to stuffing five gazillion turkey-cranberry-stufffing-n-Miracle Whip sandwiches down my piehole, the way God intended me to spend this weekend.

Now when in sweet holy Christ is Jennifer Garner going to pop that kid out?

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The Simpson/Lachey Holy, Sacred Wedded Matrimony: RIP.

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