Thursday, November 17, 2005

All That Glitters IS Gold!

OK, people, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Christmas is just around the corner! Why do I mention this fact? Because of this:
From Google News:
Singing sensation Mariah Carey has mini-Mariahs made -- The R&B diva is reportedly having 3,000 special dolls made of herself.

She has asked toymakers to produce the dolls complete with a diamante butterfly ring which she always wears.

'There’ll only be 3,000 of them and while they're supposed to be for kids, they're likely to become instant collectors' items,' said a source.

No word on how much these "instant collectors' items" will cost, but whatever it is, it's worth it! A price above rubies! Or in Mariah's case, a price above boobies!

Ba dum dum! I'm here all week, folks! Try the veal!

But really, ladies and germs, I admire the way Mariah's mind works. After all, it's not every pop singer who thinks they should have a miniature doll made of themselves. Not every pop singer thinks they should have fresh puppies and kittens provided in every hotel suite during their tour. Not every pop singer asks to be carried around the set of their music video when their feet start hurting. Not every pop singer has their sunglasses brought to them on a silver platter. Not every pop singer has a glamor shot taken next to a homeless man. And most of all, not every pop singer has a full-on, honest-to-goodness, stripping-on-TRL, Frances Farmer-esque public breakdown!

But that is why Mariah rules: Say what you will about her music--that's beside the point! She is a national treasure. Now that Liz Taylor is entering the twilight of her career, this country needs someone to take up the gold-and-diamond encrusted mantle of Grand Dame of American Pop Culture. For a while there, with her nine gazillion husbands and flowing, Liz-like caftans and lack of discernible talent, I had high hopes for J-Lo to take up where Liz left off. But her controlling, Svengali-meets-Troll-Doll husband has put the kibosh on that. So it's up to Mariah--and perhaps, Beyonce, although she seems to goody-goody to give us the delicious world-class affaires de scandale that Liz was so famous for--to fill those dainty shoes and bring the glitz and glamour back to celebrityhood.

Down with tasteful Armani sheaths! Up with ermine capes and turbans and mini-skirts--literally! Down with mimimalism! Up with amethyst-covered tables and looted Nazi art treasures! Down with faux modesty! Up with mini-me commemorative Mariah dolls! Down with gloom-n-doom!

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Up with Glitter!

2 comments:

impychimp said...

Hm, how do you know what's on Liz's coffee table? You must have gooood sources!

Spare E said...

When I saw the title, I thought the posting was going to be about Gary Glitter, presently on the run from authorities in Vietnam after some alleged kiddie diddlin'.

The Mariah posting was much more entertaining!