Friday, October 07, 2005

Reader Beware: These Stories Are A Tad Nauseating. In A Good Way.

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Well, after suckling on the bountiful breast of great gossip these past few days, we must content ourselves with the few remaining droplets still left for our consumption. Try not to gag.

First up, from WENN, there's a sleazy little item about possible cheating--yes, I said it, cheating--going on in the Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson Marriage of Doom:
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are fighting reports the pop hunk seduced a college student last month - just days after being forced to deny they're heading for divorce.

The pop couple have been hitting out at speculation over the state of their marriage for much of the year, and now Ohio State student Danielle Calo, 19, has added more fuel to the fire.

The brunette beauty tells America's Star magazine that after meeting with Lachey at a high school football game in Columbus, Ohio, on September 9, she was invited back to the star's hotel room, where he told her she was "really hot" before making a move on her.

She says, "He was a really good kisser, soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me. His eyes are so beautiful, too, and he kept staring at me, just like at the football game. We kissed for a long time; Nick would occasionally rub my thigh very lightly. I knew the opportunity to do more was there, but a part of me kept thinking that he's very married, so I was uncomfortable about doing anything else - and I told him so. From that point on, Nick never forced anything, and we never went into his bedroom. He called me briefly on Saturday, but nothing came of it. We haven't spoken since."

While a representative for Lachey insists, "This story is completely untrue," the publication claims to have put Calo through a polygraph test - which she passed.

Hee-hee! How much do I love polygraph tests being administered by Star magazine to see if a 19-year-old college co-ed is lying about her dreamy make-out session with Nick Lachey? Only slightly more than I love the line about Nick rubbing her thigh "very lightly." Ha ha! Wheeeeeeeee!

That's what you get, Jessica, for your alleged fling with serial cheater Johnny Knoxville, you dipsomaniac daddy's girl idiot slut!

In other follow-up news, WENN brings some helpful, albeit insane, advice to Our Immaculate Lady of the Turkey Baster Katie Holmes:
Scientology couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are urging Katie Holmes to have a 'silent birth' when she delivers fiance Tom Cruise's baby next year and follow the church's strict doctrines.

Scientologists believe children should be brought into the world without any fuss and be allowed to quietly get used to their surroundings.

That means no music, no chatting and no expressions of pain from the mother.

Preston explains, "It's just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future."

Now, it's easy to laugh at this concept--mainly because it is so laughable--but before we cast stones we should take this into consideration: Who better than Kelly Preston and John Travolta to advise a beard and her sexually-ambiguous superstar career partner on the birth of their test-tube bambino? They've been there, done that!

Shudder...Katie also won't be allowed any pain killers, remember? Listen, Holmes. When you are screaming, silently, inwardly, in total, abject agony while you push out your little human publicity stunt, I dearly hope your mantra is "50 million dollars," "50 million dollars," "50 million dollars," because girl, going through a drug-free silent labor is worth way more than a paltry five million. I hope for your sake you negotiated your ass off before you were artificially inseminated! I don't have much sympathy either way, though. You don't live in Nevada, I presume. Prostitution is still illegal in the other 49 states, young lady!

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PS
Deron B. pointed out what a lot of news agencies seem to have forgotten, which is that Katie Holmes had the whole "I Will Be A Virgin Until I Get Married" shtick going on; I said that she is still technically a virgin, because the Bible clearly states that: "A child borne unto a Woman who has known a turkey baster, shall still be deemed Pure and Chaste, and fit to marry a Man, or Semi-Man, in the eyes of Jehovah." That's in Leviticus, I believe...or was it Dianetics? Hard to say, I get those confused a lot.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you see that Tony Danza is slamming TomKat? Ha ha! I love you, Tony Danza! Who's the Boss? You are!


Terri R.

Aimee said...

Ha, yes, I hope the two of them are very, very happy and that KH gets at least one or two more B movies. And whatever happened to Kelly Preston's career? Let that be a lesson to ya.