Monday, October 31, 2005

The Blind Items of Alabama

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No, the blind items in today's post are not actually from Alabama, and they are not in anyway related to adorable old gospel singers who can't see. I'm just running out of headline puns, OK? I'm grasping at straws, people! I'm sorry! It's a busy day for me, all right? Stop judging me. You're not my father!

Anywho, in reality these blind items are from New York, from Page Six, naturally, and they aren't all that hard, I'm afraid, but they are still delightful calorie-free Halloween treats!

First up, Page Six asks:
WHICH swishy pop star who won't admit he's gay is dating a well-known interior designer? The decorator is recovering from his previous boyfriend's tragic death, while the pop star is equally despondent about his ailing career . . .

Hmmmm. Methinks the pop star in question's name might just rhyme with Gay Quakin', but any other guesses would be appreciated, people!

And then Page Six begs the question:
WHICH stunning blonde lawyer doesn't know everything about her husband-to-be? Maybe she'll find out after the wedding that he likes to have threesomes.

This one is a teensy more difficult. I hope and pray that it's the evil right-wing succubus from hell whose name rhymes with Man Bolter, although I can't imagine anyone describing her as "stunning." And if it is the devil's own Blonde Demoness, I certainly hope her husband-to-be is into kinkier activities than just boring ole three-ways. Like extreme partner humiliation, say, or better yet, partner asphyxiation.

Did I just say that? Oh, well, tra la la!

Anyone disagree with my guesses? Have a better rhyming name?

For God's sake, leave them in the comments box!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winners of last contest in previous post.

This time, we have a series of two--count 'em, two!--photos of P. Diddy gettin' jiggy with designer-to-the-stars Zac Posen. And to make it all extra cosy and sweet, they were sent in by Felt Up reader Tim! Huzzah!

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(via a socialite's life)

You can caption them however you like--together, separately, whatever--as long as you remember to bring the snark! Leave captions in comments box. Good luck!

The Winnah(s)--It's A Tie!

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Who the fuck is Kim Stewart? (porkmuffin)

AND

In an effort to break with family tradition and avoid an embarrassing trip to the emergency room, the enterprising Kim Stewart adjusts her cork to make sure the gallon of semen doesn't spew out at an inopportune time. (lucinda)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hallelelujah! Hallelelujah! Hallelelujah!

Apparently dreams do come true! Reality Blurred is reporting that ancient former supermodel and light of my life Janice Dickinson is going to have her very own reality show to terrorize:
After being fired from "America’s Next Top Model" and nearly stabbing Omarosa on "The Surreal Life," acerbic skeleton Janice Dickinson is creating her own modeling-related reality series.

The untitled series focuses “on her efforts to establish her own modeling agency” and “will follow Dickinson as she works to start a modeling business. She’s in the middle of recruiting her first clients,” Variety reports.

The show will debut next year on Oxygen.

O Lord, hear my plea: Please don't let Janice die of a plastic surgery mishap, drug overdose, or avian flu before her show is done taping! If you let Janice live, I promise to be a better person, to donate to charity, to volunteer in a soup kitchen, and write faithfully about each and every episode of her show.

I don't want to live in a world without Janice!

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Amen.

PS

Upon further reflection, I'm not sure I can fulfill the first three of the above promises, but I am fairly certain I am likely to write about every episode of the Janice reality show. Or at least write about it on a regular basis. Or semi-regular basis. Or, you know, like, once. I'm pretty positve I can do that. Maybe.

But still, do try and keep her alive for our amusement, OK, God? Thanks, sweetie. You're the bestest God ever! Mwah!

Amen.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Halloween Costume Ideas!

All Hallow's Eve is just around the corner. But don't fret. Felt Up is here with some of the best celebrity-related costume ideas the Internets has to offer!

First up, the David Gest Mask:

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Not for the faint of heart, or the easily-creeped-out. Spooky!

Next up, we have Vice Magazine's suggestion for a truly frightening Natasha Lyonne costume:

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Poor Natasha. I can't help it, though, that picture tickles my funny bone. Face it, people, I'm mean as a snake. Mean, I say!

Or you can go the Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham route and do an updated Elephant Man:

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And then, of course, you can go for the scariest costumes ever created by Man or Devil, the Celebrity Heads, available for rental at CelebrityHeads.com.

WARNING: NOT FOR SMALL CHILDREN, THE ELDERLY, OR THE EASILY FRIGHTENED:

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

CELEBRITY HEADS ARE COMING TO GET YOU!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of previous contest in last post.

Here's another hand-down-ass photo. I can't help it! I love these kinds of embarrassing shots! Especially since the "celebrity" pictured is none other than horse-faced skank to the stars and professional skeez Kim "Jennifer Aniston is Homely" Stewart.

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Leave snarkalicious captions in the comment box. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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"$40 a day OR $40 an hour?" (femme feral)

By the way, I just want to give a special shout out to all those commenters who raised pointed, rather vicious questions about the above picture of Rachel Ray being Photoshopped due to the bodacious nature of the physique on display. I love it! Keep up the good snark, Team Felt Up!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Tell 'Em What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

Loyal Felt Up readers (you two are the best! mwah!) will know how much your humble blogette loves a Celebrity Hissy Fit. It is second only to a full-blown Mariah Carey Public Meltdown and/or an honsest-to-God Dance Off in my pantheon of celebutainment.

Luckily, the NY Daily News reports that Victoria "Mend It Like" Beckham is only too happy to help make my dreams come true:
Victoria Beckham spiced up Wednesday night's Rock & Republic fashion show in L.A. when she reportedly screamed at designer Michael Ball before being dragged away by security.

Lowdown hears that soccer god David Beckham's wife, the former Posh Spice - who designed a jean collection for the celeb-studded event - threw a backstage tantrum when Ball informed her that her signature pants, with a crown embroidered on the arse, were out of the show.

"Are you gonna put it in? You're gonna put it in!" she screamed at Ball, according to a Lowdown spy.

"No, I'm not!" he shouted back.

"I don't know why I'm even asking you," she shrieked. "I'm a part-owner in this company!" Says the spy: "He finally called security, and they escorted her out."

Awesome! I'm going to add "dragged away by security" to my list of favorite celeb happenings. Thanks, Posh! Don't go changin'!

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Although you are, in fact, totally freaky.

To Thine Ownself Be True

Today's Page Six has a teensy lil' item that caught Felt Up's eye:
At Sunday night's Mary J. Blige concert at Rose Hall at Time Warner Center, Missy Elliott went via wheelchair sporting a cast on her leg featuring her own portrait.

Flanked by a small entourage, the hip-hop star arrived 30 minutes into the show "to avoid the celebrity crush on the red carpet," according to her handlers.

Elliott "broke her leg dancing," spies say.

God, I love Missy Elliot! But really, what's so shocking about having a portrait of yourself on your cast? Missy is a superstar and deserves her moment of cheeky self-adulation!

Why, your humble Felt Up blogette has a full-color portrait of herself tattooed across her back, complete with glass of champagne clutched in fist, a festive bottle of Valium tilted at a jaunty angle near the mouth, and a Star Magazine spread on the bed of satin sheets and fluffy furry pillows, surrounded by half-eaten bon-bons and Nutter Butter wrappers. I think Jocko at Mom's Perfection Fine Line Tattoos did a fine job.

What?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A Patch of Blue

Oh, no! One of my all-time fave raves, Shelley Winters, has had a heart attack, according to the Associated Press:
Actress Shelley Winters, who won two Academy Awards and was nominated twice more, was recovering in a hospital after suffering a heart attack, her family said Wednesday.

The heart attack occurred last Friday, according to a statement from Winters' family.

"Over the past few days, she has become much stronger, and Shelley is nearly back to her normal self. We are so thankful to Shelley's fans for their support and words of encouragement," the family said.

Winters, 85, was being treated at an undisclosed hospital in the Los Angeles area and was expected to be released within a week, a spokesman for the family said Wednesday.

The actress, who played blonde bombshell roles in the 1940s and went on to excel at drama, won supporting-actress Oscars for her work in "The Diary of Anne Frank" (1959) and "A Patch of Blue" (1965). She was nominated for "A Place in the Sun" (1951) and "The Poseidon Adventure" (1972).

J'adore Shelley! Her autobiography is a tour de force depiction of her fantubulous life as a beauuty queen, actress, galpal, tart, and all-around lollapalooza! She had affairs with Marlon Brando and a very young Robert DeNiro (on the set of the delightful Ma Barker exploitation biopic "Bloody Mama," in which DeNiro played Winters' son--huzzah!) I loved her in "A Place in the Sun" and as Roseanne's grandma on "Roseanne"!

Get well soon, Shelley!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Do You Believe In Magic?

David Copperfield, illusionist, magic man, and extremely creepy ex-boyfriend of Claudia Schiffer, plans to impregnate a woman on stage in his new act, according to ananova.com:
David Copperfield says he plans to impregnate a girl on stage - without even touching her.

Speaking to German magazine Galore, the illusionist rejected the theory that there were only seven different kinds of magic tricks.

He said: "Bull s**t! There is a great deal of new territory to conquer. In my next show I'm going to make a girl pregnant on stage."

He added: "Naturally it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it, but I'm not telling you any more."

The magician is currently on tour in Germany with his show, An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion.

Huh, that's interesting. Because I heard that Katie "Our Lady of the Immaculate Turkey Baster" Holmes just announced that she will be giving an extra-special, one-time only treat to audiences of Copperfield's "An Intimate Evening of Grand Illusion" in approximately six and a half months!

Yes, she will live out the childhood dream of every young girl by appearing onstage with a sinister-yet-cheesey master illusionist, "magically" becoming pregnant, and giving birth in complete and utter silence, without painkillers, before a hushed crowd of German magic buffs whose E-meter readings have passed muster with Tom Cruise's sister.

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Blessed are the children!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Pot, Meet Kettle

Boy, Madonna's new documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" sounds like the good-time movie of the year! Whoo-hoo! Par-tay! I'm vogueing as fast as I can!

According to the NY Daily News:
Once, she told papa not to preach. But now, at 47, Madonna has come down from the mount with a message for you sinners.

People "are going to go to hell, if they don't turn from their wicked behavior," the singer proclaims in her new film, "I'm Going to Tell You a Secret."

Despite her many homes, the former Material Girl says she has renounced "the material world. The physical world. The world of illusion, that we think is real. We live for it, we're enslaved by it. And it will ultimately be our undoing."

Reading from Scripture at one point in the film, the mother of two — who won't let her children watch TV or eat ice cream — says, "I refer to an entity called 'The Beast.' I feel I am describing the world that we live in right now."

Is there anything more tedious than a faux-British gazillionaire jet-setting "reformed" sloot-n-whooore lecturing us non-mystical plebes on the dangers of the Beast known as Materialism?

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God, I loathe Madonna. At least back in the good ole days, she was fun. Canoodling with Ice-T and Dennis Rodman! Cone bras! Naughty pictures! Cheeky videos! Gays! Now, she's just insufferable. A holier-than-thou sanctimonious frump. I hate her, I say.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

Get off your high horse, Mrs. Thang! Sorry, Mrs. Old Thang...

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And one more thing: I might respect what you have to say if you actually went to the trouble of converting to Judaism. But that would take up too much of your precious time in this world of illusion, eh, Your Holiness?

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I HATE HER SO MUCH I CAN'T STAND IT.

By the way, Gwen Stefani called and she wants her album back...

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Note to Madge: When you feel the need to copy Gwen S., it's time to hang it up once and for all, and stick to being an uptight ersatz-English school marm killjoy. It's what you do best. Sort of.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner(s) of last contest in previous post.

Your newest challenge is this photo of The Food Network's Rachel Ray:

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Leave captions in the comments box. And remember: If you don't have something nice to say, send it to me!

The Winnah(s)--It's A Tie!

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Hold me like you did by the lake on Napoo. (Terri R.)

AND

Can you hear me NOW? (lang squal)

Friday, October 14, 2005

Next Up: The Sky Will Rain Frogs, The Sea Shall Turn Red, And Lo, Armageddon Begins

Dear God in heaven. Kirstie Alley may be dating Al Pacino, according to Female First:
Al Pacino is rumoured to be dating former 'Cheers' star Kirstie Alley. .

The Hollywood heartthrob, 65, has been spotted dining out in Hollywood with the curvaceous actress - and according to onlookers the pair were undeniably romantically entwined. .

The news comes just weeks after Alley, 54, announced she had lost 50 pounds and was ready to start dating again. She has been single since splitting from James Wilder five years ago.

A source told America's Star magazine: "They were huddled for the whole evening at the Chateau Marmont, and, at one point, Kirstie was stroking his thigh as she talked to him.

"It was bizarre. They totally looked as if they were on a date."

Representatives for the screen stars have yet to comment.

I'm of two minds about this. Part of me says: Good for you, Ms. Kirstie Alley! You are a funny, voluptuous Scientologist lady with chutzpah to spare, and you deserve happiness with a crazy, scenery-chewing, skin-n-bones, raggedy-ass legendary thespian like Al...

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But there's another part of me that screams, in the voice of Sam Kinison: AAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your lives, everybody! The sky is falling! THE SKY IS FALLING!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Do You Really Want to Hurt Him? Why, Yes, Actually, They Do

Poor ole Boy George. First he gets arrested for cocaine possession after he called the police to report a robbery at his NYC apartment, then his post-arrest-aging-Uncle-Fester picture is splashed all over the tabloids and the internets, and now Page Six has a gleeful lead story about the robber being a male prostitute:
Boy George hired a male hustler who tried to rob him the morning the cross-dressing Culture Club singer was busted for cocaine possession, PAGE SIX has learned.

George called 911 last Friday morning to report that his Centre Street apartment had been burglarized — but he was arrested when cops found a mound of what appeared to be Bolivian marching powder piled near his computer.

A source said that George called 911 after the hustler he'd ordered up demanded that he hand over all of the money in the house.

"George said no and that he was going to call the police," says our source. "The prostitute said, 'Go ahead and you'll go to jail.' So George freaked out because he was high, called the police, the prostitute left, and George got arrested."

A police source said George did not mention the hustler when he was arrested. His lawyer, Lou Freeman, could not be reached for comment yesterday. But he told The Post last week that the cocaine was not George's, adding, "Tons of people come in and out of his home."

The only person in the apartment besides George when officers arrived was his friend Kyoko Nagami, a Japanese model and drag queen groupie. According to police sources, Nagami flipped on her friend, telling cops there was "a lot more" coke in the bedroom.

George, who a police source said "appeared high" when he was busted, was charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance and filing a false police report. He was released last Saturday after appearing in Manhattan Criminal Court, and was told to return for a Dec. 19 hearing. He has since flown back to London, where he has a home.

"Don't ask me any questions because you are not going to get any answers at all," George told reporters who pounced on him at Heathrow Airport. "It's nice to see you, though."


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Well, I can't say any of this is all that shocking, except for the fact that Boy can still generate so much press. Oh, golly gee whillickers, everybody! Boy George hires male hookers to service his needs! And he still does drugs. Yes, drugs, I say!

Yawn. Tell me something I don't already know. Like for instance, when did Boy become such a Misfits fan? And who is this "Japanese model and drag queen groupie" named Kyoko Nagami, and why is she a big ratfink snitch?

While the Misfits question may never be fully answerd, at least we can glean some info about the mysterious model from another section of the NY Post, where there's a little piece on Kyoko:
Wispy Kyoko Nagami, who often wears an oversized wig of blond tresses and fishnet stockings, was at Boy George's Centre Street apartment when cops busted the androgynous pop star and charged him with possessing cocaine.

Residents recalled Nagami and Boy George as "inseparable" — that is until his arrest Friday.

No one has seen her since and neighbors at her 122 Ludlow St. apartment building said she has been gone for more than a month.

Nagami most recently appeared at a Boy George DJ event at Marquee, a swank Chelsea club.

The stick-thin model is also chummy with celebrity transsexual Amanda Lepore. They have headlined together at several glam rock events, including Charm School University at Marquee with Boy George.

The Charm School party was subtitled: "How to Make Love to a Fruit Like You."

Nagami also modeled Boy George's B-Rude line of clothes during Fashion Week and modeled at a separate event for Heatherettes designs at Fifth Avenue's Henri Bendel...

Boy George was arrested after he allegedly made a 911 call to cops, claiming that there had been an attempted burglary at his apartment.

When cops arrived, Nagami was in the apartment. The responding officers spotted cocaine next to a computer and arrested George.

A fitness instructor at an exclusive gym in Boy George's building recalled how Nagami tried to join, "but she was smoking when she asked about it."


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The Inscrutable Charm of The Wispy Stick-Thin Drag Queen Groupie Kyoko...

Sadly, the Post did not explain Kyoko's tendency to act like Benedict Arnold whenever the fuzz show up with a search warrant. We may never know the whole story, I'm afraid...however, isn't it awesome that she asked about joining a gym while smoking a cigarette? And her close association with Amanda Lepore and a "glam rock event" called "How To Make Love To A Fruit Like You" goes a long way towards redeeming her in the eyes of God and Felt Up, I must say. Despite your tendency to tattle-tale to the pigs, I still might tumble for ya, Ms. Nagami!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Doin' It And Doin' It And Doin' It Well

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Wow. Let me take a moment to wipe a wee tear from me eye, as I am overcome with feelings of admiration for all three of you loyal Felt Up readers out there. In your quest to answer the Popbitch blind item about a gay rap icon, you even did research on the internets! There. I'm officially verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic: While hip-hop is certainly hip, it doesn't really hop anymore. Discuss.

OK, I'm better. First of all, the vast majority (two out of three) said LL Cool J was the gay guy of the hour. Terri R. went against the herd and picked Ice-T, and due to the fascinating article reader Tim sent in and its mention of Ice's song "No Vaseline," Terri R. may have a point...

Interestingly, Gawker posted the same blind item, and its readers also picked LL:
By a landslide, the Anderson Cooper of this contest was LL Cool J — as many of you pointed out, just because the Ladies Love Cool James, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he loves them back. One intrepid commenter even did some actual research, revealing that LL is currently on tour.

We enjoyed the Kanye West guesses, because as we all know, speaking out against homophobia = totally gay. Best response: “Isn’t he quoted as saying ‘George Bush doesn’t care about gay black people?’”

A couple votes for Wyclef Jean (tell it to Lauren Hill), Ja Rule, 50 Cent (he will probably kill us now), Eminem (he will probably record a very sarcastic song about us now), Usher (rap legend?), Vanilla Ice, Nelly (he is famously sweaty, due to the extreme temperatures he often has to endure), Diddy, an out-of-left-field vote for Ice-T, one indie vote for Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, Jay-Z, Dr. Dre, and Kool Keith.

Very few rappers were not named, in fact. But you may rest easy tonight knowing that no one cast any aspersions on the manhood of Flavor Flav.

It's kind of nice to know us hicks in sticks have the same snarky sensiblities as our big city cousins. I think. Maybe it's horrible...

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Either way, this whole thing is a) kinda hott, and b) gives new meaning to "I'm That Type of Guy," not to mention "Big Ole Butt"...

Blog Borrows Bitchy Blind Bit From Brits

From snarktastic UK gossip-mongers Popbitch comes this highly intriguing "blind item":
Which hugely cool US rap legend gets his road crew to pull out handsome young men from the audience at his show, and bring them backstage to hang out. If they fail to deliver, one of the road crew has to strip naked and crawl across the dressing room floor and administer oral attention to the sweaty star.

I am agog. Who could it be? Is there special significance to the phrase "hugely cool," ie, it is someone with a weight problem? Or the word "Cool" in their name? (Kool Moe Dee, LL Cool J, Kool Herc, etc.) I want answers! Please loyal Felt Up readers, if you have any guesses, no matter how ridiculous, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, put them in the comments box! I'll pick the best one a la the Caption Contest...

Oh, and while we're having you write this blog, did anyone catch Janice Dickinson's triumphant return to "America's Next Top Model" last night? I heard she was going to make a contestant cry, and I want details!

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Devil In Miss Holmes

Hee hee! Katie Holmes' old-school Catholic dad is up in arms that a)his daughter has a baby growing inside her presumably no-longer virgin loins, b)the father is a turkey baster, c) she isn't married yet, and d) she's become a drooling Scientologist pod-person thanks to her contractual obligations to her domineering control-freak sexually-ambiguous "fiance." According to MSNBC's The Scoop:
Tom Cruise’s future father-in-law apparently isn’t a happy camper.

Katie Holmes’s dad is said to be “very upset” because his unmarried daughter is pregnant with Cruise’s child. And, what’s more, the devoutly Catholic Martin Holmes reportedly is none-too-thrilled about his daughter’s involvement in her husband-to-be’s controversial religion, Scientology.

“[Martin Holmes] was very upset and got into a real spat with Katie,” the forthcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly quotes “a close friend” of Cruise as saying. “Tom had promised her parents that they would do the right thing and get married before any baby came along.” After scolding his daughter, according to the mag, Martin Holmes berated Cruise by declaring “You’re no good.”

“He said he and his wife were very upset by the news,” according to the source, “and demanded the pair get married quickly.”

Furthermore, a member of Christ the King Church, which the Holmes family belongs to, told L&S that Cruise and Holmes’ publicist, his sister Lee Anne DeVette, sent a letter to parishioners, asking them not to talk to reporters. Although a family friend told the mag that the Holmes family is thrilled by the news of a grandchild, they’re also concerned.

“It seemed like Katie was being controlled by Scientologists,” the friend told L&S. “Now they wonder if it’s a Rosemary’s Baby situation, where Katie is being groomed to provide Tom with a child.”

DeVette didn’t respond to The Scoop’s repeated requests for comment.

Heh. I was wondering how long it would take the square community to embrace the "Rosemary's Baby" anaologies! Of course those of us on the vanguard of celebrity snark thought of it immediately upon the announcement of Holmes' unholy conception...

Oh, Kate. You can't have two daddies, now can you? (Well, not unless one of them is the cyrogenically frozen head of L. Ron Hubbard, of course.) You have to decide if you're his daughter or Tom Cruise's beard. And while 50 million clams can buy you a lot of things, it cannot buy back the respect and admiration of your pops. But alas, you should have thought about all this before you made your deal with the devil. However, it's not too late to cancel your marriage to him, Kate! STEP AWAY FROM THE EVIL ONE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND THE LIFE OF YOUR UNBORN ARTIFICALLY-INSEMINATED BABY!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

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(via the wow report)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

Here's a candid shot of Princess Natalie Portman:

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Leave snarktastic captions in comments box. May the force be with you.

The Winnah!

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(via Hollywood Rag)

Queer hair stylists are immune to the eyes of Medusa...(porkmuffin)

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Tentative Program Title: "Sexy Sadie Says Salaam!"

Well, it just goes to show that you never can tell what a celeb is going to do next, especially a dipsomaniac, sometimes sapphic, craaaaaazy underpants designer from jolly olde England. From today's "real news" headlines:


"Frost to Join Al-Jazeera's English Channel"


Who knew Sadie Frost was into journalism? Kudos, Sadie! It's high time you got your mind off the problems of gal pal Kate Moss and ex-hubbie Jude Law and focused your keen intellect on the turbulent Middle East!

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Note to Sadie: You might want to re-think the outfit. Something with sleeves would probably work better in your new market. And you should probably lose the booze as well--but, hey, what do I know? Que sera sera, right?

PS
I keed, I keed! I know it's really David Frost. Sadly, though, when I read the headline, it was Sadie's name who came to mind first. I think I'm reading too much Star, man. Seriously!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Reader Beware: These Stories Are A Tad Nauseating. In A Good Way.

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Well, after suckling on the bountiful breast of great gossip these past few days, we must content ourselves with the few remaining droplets still left for our consumption. Try not to gag.

First up, from WENN, there's a sleazy little item about possible cheating--yes, I said it, cheating--going on in the Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson Marriage of Doom:
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are fighting reports the pop hunk seduced a college student last month - just days after being forced to deny they're heading for divorce.

The pop couple have been hitting out at speculation over the state of their marriage for much of the year, and now Ohio State student Danielle Calo, 19, has added more fuel to the fire.

The brunette beauty tells America's Star magazine that after meeting with Lachey at a high school football game in Columbus, Ohio, on September 9, she was invited back to the star's hotel room, where he told her she was "really hot" before making a move on her.

She says, "He was a really good kisser, soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me. His eyes are so beautiful, too, and he kept staring at me, just like at the football game. We kissed for a long time; Nick would occasionally rub my thigh very lightly. I knew the opportunity to do more was there, but a part of me kept thinking that he's very married, so I was uncomfortable about doing anything else - and I told him so. From that point on, Nick never forced anything, and we never went into his bedroom. He called me briefly on Saturday, but nothing came of it. We haven't spoken since."

While a representative for Lachey insists, "This story is completely untrue," the publication claims to have put Calo through a polygraph test - which she passed.

Hee-hee! How much do I love polygraph tests being administered by Star magazine to see if a 19-year-old college co-ed is lying about her dreamy make-out session with Nick Lachey? Only slightly more than I love the line about Nick rubbing her thigh "very lightly." Ha ha! Wheeeeeeeee!

That's what you get, Jessica, for your alleged fling with serial cheater Johnny Knoxville, you dipsomaniac daddy's girl idiot slut!

In other follow-up news, WENN brings some helpful, albeit insane, advice to Our Immaculate Lady of the Turkey Baster Katie Holmes:
Scientology couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are urging Katie Holmes to have a 'silent birth' when she delivers fiance Tom Cruise's baby next year and follow the church's strict doctrines.

Scientologists believe children should be brought into the world without any fuss and be allowed to quietly get used to their surroundings.

That means no music, no chatting and no expressions of pain from the mother.

Preston explains, "It's just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that (the birth) peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them (babies) in their future."

Now, it's easy to laugh at this concept--mainly because it is so laughable--but before we cast stones we should take this into consideration: Who better than Kelly Preston and John Travolta to advise a beard and her sexually-ambiguous superstar career partner on the birth of their test-tube bambino? They've been there, done that!

Shudder...Katie also won't be allowed any pain killers, remember? Listen, Holmes. When you are screaming, silently, inwardly, in total, abject agony while you push out your little human publicity stunt, I dearly hope your mantra is "50 million dollars," "50 million dollars," "50 million dollars," because girl, going through a drug-free silent labor is worth way more than a paltry five million. I hope for your sake you negotiated your ass off before you were artificially inseminated! I don't have much sympathy either way, though. You don't live in Nevada, I presume. Prostitution is still illegal in the other 49 states, young lady!

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PS
Deron B. pointed out what a lot of news agencies seem to have forgotten, which is that Katie Holmes had the whole "I Will Be A Virgin Until I Get Married" shtick going on; I said that she is still technically a virgin, because the Bible clearly states that: "A child borne unto a Woman who has known a turkey baster, shall still be deemed Pure and Chaste, and fit to marry a Man, or Semi-Man, in the eyes of Jehovah." That's in Leviticus, I believe...or was it Dianetics? Hard to say, I get those confused a lot.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Word To Your Mutha

First Lindsay Lohan wrecks her Benz (again), then Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey get divorced, then they deny it (again), then TomKat create the miracle of life from Katie's unmolested seed and an undisclosed heterosexual male donor sperm, and now we get word that Kevin Federline is not takin' to daddyin'. Is nothing sacred?

From Jeanette Walls' The Scoop on MSNBC:
Is there trouble in paradise for Britney Spears and her hubby?

The couple has acknowledged rough patches in the early days of their marriage, and it looks like having a baby hasn’t helped things. The buzz is that Kevin Federline — who walked out on his pregnant girlfriend and child to be with Spears — isn’t taking too well to fatherhood this time around either.

Since Spears brought home little Sean Preston, his dad has been “a real brat” — hitting golf balls, partying and chatting on the phone into until well until the night, an insider tells Life & Style Weekly. Spears has reportedly complained that she’s “raising two kids now.”
Story continues below ↓ advertisement

After one particularly nasty row, Federline moved into a friend’s house for three days, according to the mag. But Spears’ mom, Lynne, has reportedly come to the rescue and is helping the couple through its tough patch.

The only remotely surprising thing about this story is that Britney was actually suprsised with his behavior. Girl, what did you expect? He ran away from his first two children, to what he thought was a carefree, all-expense lifelong vacation at The Gravy Train Resort and Spa, wher dudes get to wear "Pimp" tracksuits 24/7 and no babies are allowed! Did you really think your spawn was going to change his mind about the whole parenting thing? Hello? Speaka da English? You married Cletus, The Slack-Jawed Yokel!

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It's time to face the reality of your situation, Brandine!

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Hire a nanny, recover from your emergency full-body liposuction procedure, and get on with your life!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Sadly, Reports Of Their Marriage's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

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Hey, it's publicist non-denial denial time! The glum AP reports:
Another day, another divorce story about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Magazine reports prompted representatives for the pop star couple to issue statements Wednesday denying they have split — although semantically speaking, the statements left room for a future breakup.

"Nick and Jessica have not separated," said a statement issued on behalf of Simpson and Lachey. "Rumors to the contrary are simply not true."

In an e-mail to The Associated Press, Simpson representative Brad Cafarelli reiterated: "They have not separated."

Us Weekly magazine, without naming sources, broke a story Wednesday that said Simpson and Lachey separated over the weekend.

Alex Dudley, a spokesman for Us Weekly, said the magazine was standing by its story. The latest issue, on newsstands Friday, proclaims "Split!" on the cover...

As recently as August, Lachey denied any impending split, saying everything was "absolutely wonderful."

Yes, and we all know that "absolutely wonderful" is boyband-speak for "I am living a lie with a drunk retarded shrew."

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The Unspeakable Horror of Cruise-Controlled Conception

Oh, j'adore my loyal Felt Up readers and your mean little hearts! Thanks to both of you, I can post this awful, tragic news:
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Movie star Tom Cruise and his fiance, actress Katie Holmes, are expecting a baby together, a spokeswoman for the actor said on Wednesday.

News that Holmes, 27, is pregnant with Cruise's child was first reported by People magazine on its Web site.

"I can confirm that," spokeswoman Marlan Willard said when asked about the report, but added that she had no information about a due date or any other details.

A statement from Cruise's chief publicist, sister Lee Anne DeVette, added: "Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is every excited."

No wedding date for the couple has been set...

The twice-married Cruise, currently shooting the action movie "Mission: Impossible III," adopted two children, Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12, with former wife Nicole Kidman.

Oooh, dis! Bringing up those adopted kids with beard #2 just in case we'd all forgotten. And thus to imply that it must've been the frozen-faced Nicole who couldn't conceive. Yeah, that and the fact that sexual intercourse would have to have taken place.

Ah, the miracle of life...

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Brace yourselves for Cruise to jump up on Oprah's sofa and accidentally on-purpose toss the baby into the rafters of her studio in a fit of manic Scientologist glee...

I'll Believe It When I See A Smudged Copy Of The Paperwork on The Smoking Gun

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I am taking a "wait-and-see" attitude towards this one, but Gawker is reporting today that US Weekly's super-top-secret new issue will claim that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are finally going to file for divorce, and it's all dipsomaniac daddy's girl diva Jessica's fault:
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America’s Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you’ll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn’t you?

The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we’re sure), but according to Us Weekly’s scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.

The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl America fell in love with anymore.” Oh, young America, were you ever really in love with her? Or were you just lusting? C’mon, be honest.

And now, a moment of silence, please, so that we might hear the sound of every magazine editor in town simultaneously shitting themselves.


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Hmmm. I say their marriage ain't over until the hideous faux-punk sister lip-synchs, but then, I'm an optimist. This sham marriage of convenience will live through these rough patches, I'm sure of it! For the sake of the children, if nothing else.

Oh, right.

For the sake of her career, if nothing else! And don't forget, Jessica is a Christian dipsomaniac daddy's dirl diva, after all...

Psst. You Wanna See Lohan Crash Pics? Too Bad. We Got 'Em Anyway.

Yes, due to absulutely no popular demand, Felt Up is proud to present Pictures of Lindsay Lohan's Car of Doom.

This one is from Defamer:

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And this photo montage is courtesy of Just Jared:

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Maybe Lindsay could take a page from the olden-timey "Saturday Night Live" sketch called "Elvis Presley's Coat on Tour!" (which parodied the public's intense fascination with the freshly-dead EP...remember when SNL did funny things? It all seems so very long ago. Now all we have are Horatio Saenz fat-guy-falls-into-a-piano-and-breaks-it jokes. But I digress...) by sending out her smashed up black Benz convertible on a goodwill tour of America's malls. All proceeds could benefit Hurricane Katrina victims and/or the Dodi Fayed Memorial Destroy All Paparazzi Foundation.

It's just a suggestion...

CRASH! Aah Aahh!

OMG, ya'll. Lindsay Lohan got into another paparazzi-fuelled car accident today. Luckily, LL has recently added a few life-saving pounds to protect and pad her fomerly-sketal frame (she's also a redhead again, thank holy Christ) so she is a-ok. From CNN:
Lindsay Lohan and two other people were taken to a hospital Tuesday after the actress' black Mercedes-Benz convertible collided with a van in West Hollywood, authorities said.

Witnesses said Lohan was trying to avoid paparazzi photographers when the crash occurred.

Lohan and a female passenger in her car suffered minor injuries, said Los Angeles County sheriff's Sgt. Diane Hecht.

The driver of the van, which was knocked into a parked vehicle, suffered moderate injuries, Hecht said. The identities of Lohan's passenger and the male driver of the van were not immediately released.

The accident was witnessed by a number of people, including a reporter for the syndicated television show "The Insider."

"Insider" reporter Victoria Recano told The Associated Press she saw Lohan and a passenger run into an antique store immediately after the collision.

Javier Ramirez, who works at the store, said he recognized Lohan.

"She was very upset," Ramirez told the AP. "She kept saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe it."'

Ramirez said Lohan and her passenger left after a few minutes and although both were shaken up, neither appeared badly hurt...

The crash was the second one Lohan, 19, has been involved in recent months.

Police said the star of such films as "Mean Girls" and "Herbie: Fully Loaded" was attempting to evade a paparazzi photographer in June when the photographer crashed his car into her Mercedes. She suffered cuts and bruises in that crash but did not seek medical attention.

The photographer was arrested for investigation of assault with a deadly weapon. Police said it appeared he deliberately crashed into the actress' vehicle.

I love how there happened to be a reporter for "The Insider" on hand as a witness to the accident. As if she was just in the neighborhood by coincidence and had nothing to do with those scummy paparazzi. Heh. Don't be so coy, Vitoria Recano! You know you were trying to get "exclusive" film of Lindsay while she perused the "Team Jolie" hot pink tanktops at Kitson! You aren't fooling anyone!
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Nipsey, We Hardly Knew Ye

Sad news that proves the great ones go in threes: Following the recent deaths of Bob Denver and Don Adams comes word today that Nipsey Russell has passed away.

From the AP:
Nipsey Russell, who played the Tin Man alongside Diana Ross and Michael Jackson in "The Wiz" as part of a decades-long career in stage, television and film, has died. He was 80.

The actor, who had been suffering from cancer, died Sunday afternoon at Lenox Hill Hospital, said his longtime manager Joseph Rapp...

Born in Atlanta, Russell launched his television career as Officer Anderson in the 1961 television series "Car 54, Where are You?" He also appeared in the 1994 film version.

He became a fixture on popular television game and talk shows, where he was welcomed for his poetic delivery that earned him the moniker the "poet laureate of television." He also took his signature four-line poetry on the road for readings and performances.

Russell also appeared in the films "Nemo" in 1984, "Wildcats" in 1986 and "Posse" in 1993.

He settled in New York after graduating from the University of Cincinnati and serving as an Army captain in Europe during World War II, Rapp said.

Russell never married. "He always said, 'I have trouble living with myself, how could I live with anyone else,'" Rapp said. "But he was a wonderful guy, very quiet, never bragged."


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R.I.P.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

Now it's time to sink your evil little teeth into this delightful shot of Ashlee Simpson getting' ready for her 21st birthday party:

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(via Hollywood Rag)

Leave snarky captions in the comments box. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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(via Hollywood Rag)

take it all, bitch! (anonymous)