Friday, September 30, 2005

Have the Tararists Already Won?

One of the greatest headlines ever written was borne upon the world today, in Page Six, naturally:

"TUBBY TARA IN FLIP-OUT MODE"

Yes, it seems downtroddenTara Reid has put on a few pounds and made the terrible mistake of sitting down for a heart-to-heart with that strangely gossip-obsessed Joe Jackson newsletter, Steppin' Out:
Tara Reid is bordering on a breakdown now that her E! show, "Taradise," has been officially canceled and other offers of work have dried up, her friends say.

The "American Pie" star — who has fired her publicist and moved back to New York — had a "complete meltdown" Wednesday during a rambling interview for Chaunce Hayden's Steppin' Out magazine, Hayden tells PAGE SIX.

Reid's voice cracked, and she sounded on edge as she told Hayden:

"How many more years are [the media] going to pick on me? There's other new young bad girls. Move on to someone else! . . . I need one more great movie role so they say, 'Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone . . . If I'm going to try and do something, it has to happen this year. I'm not stupid."

Reid was recently photographed being helped out of a club as her denim skirt rode up, revealing a sadly out-of-shape derriere. Hollywood insiders say she has gained at least 15 pounds and will have to undertake a fitness regimen before she gets parts.

But Reid blames the media.

"People think [I am just a party girl], and it's bull[bleep]," she ranted to Hayden. "I wish they would just tell the truth. I'm not a drunk . . . I don't have a drinking problem. I don't have a drug problem, for sure."

Blah, blah, blah. I'm not followin' you, druggie! Speaka da English?

During the rest of the interview she rambles on, speaking gibberish about how unbelievable it is that no one takes her seriously as a thespian. She is totally out of control and must be stopped before she hurts someone or herself! If you'd like to read the entire sad, sad thing, go here.

I keed, actually. What kind of misleading yellow non-journalism is this? I don't really see anything even remotely resembling a "meltdown" in this interview! As regular Felt Up readers know, I have rather stringent standards for which celebrity behavior can offically be labeled a "meltdown," and this ain't it! So she put on 15 pounds! Big deal! I put on 15 pounds yesterday. So she wishes people would not see her as a "retard" or a "drunk party girl"--what else is new? Tara always wishes that! That's her schtick! She acts like a retarded drunk party girl slut, her boob lolls around outside of her dress, the cameras pop, we watch with glee, and then she moans and groans that she's not like that at all. That is how our relationship with Tara works! Duh.

The only delusional aspect of her interview is that she seems to think she is one "Monster" role away from respectability, perhaps even an Oscar. Oh, Tara. Girl, you need to get those thoughts out of your pea-sized, alcohol-riddled brain, pronto. You don't use "Taradise" as a stepping stone to film greatness. You use it as leverage to get more money for your appearance on "The Surreal Life 10" and possibly a gig as a Morgan's Rum serving wench at a pubicity event for the release of "The Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel. You might even get to meet Keith Richards! See, everything is not so gloomy! Buck up, lil' camper! But I digress.

Anyway, kudos for a great headline, Page Six, but when it comes to the accompanying article, I am very disappointed with the way you mislead us all. J'accuse, Page Six.

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J'accuse, I say!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

pure gold today Jen!!! What will we do if the Brits, taras and parisis go away. who will we have to judge and poke fun of? they put the muse in amusement!!!
tee hee. xxx erica v