Thursday, September 15, 2005

Gwyneth Speaks! Someone Make Her Stop

Adhering to her newfound dedication to never shutting up or keeping herself from sounding like a vain, pompous asswipe, Gwyneth Paltrow (AKA Swyneth Caltrow, AKA "Flapjacks," to those in the know) is quoted--and then mocked--in Page Six today:
Doesn't sound like Gwyneth Paltrow is getting homesick living in London with "Coldplay" singer Chris Martin and their baby, Apple.

"I've always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it's a strange time to be an American now," she told the Toronto Globe and Mail during a junket for "Proof."

"I feel like we're really in trouble. I just had a baby and thought, 'I don't want to live there.' Bush's anti-environment, pro-war policies are a disaster."

Hopefully, her suicidal fans here will be able to bear her absence.

Heh. What is particularly irksome is that this makes all anti-Bush celebrities an easy target for the right-leaning NY Post: "Listen to the rich, white movie star dis the United States of America! She named her baby Apple! She sucks!" And this time, they are right! She does suck. People like Gwyneth give Bush-haters a bad name. She is just too easy to despise.

As much as I agree with her political opinions, I dearly hope that I don't sound as horribly humorless and unlikable whenever I go spouting off about W. If I even begin to approach her level of holier-than-thou pedantic snobbery, I hope someone will have the decency to hand me the nearest hari kari blade and a copy of Mishima.

Just imagining her awful preppy whine--she talks exactly like a female Thurston Howell the Third--droning on about how much respect she has for "the multicultural nature of the globe" makes me want to kill someone. Namely her.

Just yesterday, Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in this link to an article on CNN in which Gwyneth says "sort of" approximately 500 times and says that, incredible as it might seem, there were actually tasteless morons in Hollywood who thought that horse-faced ninny Gwynny "wasn't pretty enough." Just in case we were dumbfounded by this revelation, Gwynny adds, helpfully, "That's a true story."

No way! That's true? What the...? Get out! Gwynny not pretty? That's so crazy! Are we living in Bizarro Land now? Has black turned into white? Is up down? I. Just. Can't. Understand. How. This. Could. Happen.

Or, to quote Terri R., who, I think, speaks for all of us: "She acts like we would never ever BELIEVE that someone thought she wasn't pretty enough! God, how I hate her."

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I still can't believe her dad created my all-time favorite tv show (after "Taxi"), "The White Shadow," which, by the way, is finally coming out on DVD in November. Still, that one mitigating quality is greatly outweighed by the fact that Bruce Paltrow also created "St. Elsewhere," that her mother is the loathesome Blythe Danner, and that everything Gwyneth does, says, eats, sings, and wears is appalling and irritating at all times.

I'm with you, Terri R.: God, how I hate her!


Lisa said...

I actually used to like Gwyneth, despite the "she's so intelligent and witty and speaks twenty languages and can cure cancer" articles about her. I've always taken those articles with a large grain of salt (you know, the ones where the 13-year-old starlet says that War and Peace is her favorite book). But Gwyneth seemed kind of classy and smart.

But ever since she moved to England and had a baby, she has become an insufferable snob. I saw a quote from her: "I'd rather die than give my child Cup-a-Soup."

Someone needs to pull her head out of her ass so she can get a glimpse of reality.

Tom said...

You deserve a drink, my treat! You said everything I have wanted to say about Gwyneth. I laughed and laughed! I HATE HER!