Friday, September 30, 2005

Have the Tararists Already Won?

One of the greatest headlines ever written was borne upon the world today, in Page Six, naturally:

"TUBBY TARA IN FLIP-OUT MODE"

Yes, it seems downtroddenTara Reid has put on a few pounds and made the terrible mistake of sitting down for a heart-to-heart with that strangely gossip-obsessed Joe Jackson newsletter, Steppin' Out:
Tara Reid is bordering on a breakdown now that her E! show, "Taradise," has been officially canceled and other offers of work have dried up, her friends say.

The "American Pie" star — who has fired her publicist and moved back to New York — had a "complete meltdown" Wednesday during a rambling interview for Chaunce Hayden's Steppin' Out magazine, Hayden tells PAGE SIX.

Reid's voice cracked, and she sounded on edge as she told Hayden:

"How many more years are [the media] going to pick on me? There's other new young bad girls. Move on to someone else! . . . I need one more great movie role so they say, 'Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone . . . If I'm going to try and do something, it has to happen this year. I'm not stupid."

Reid was recently photographed being helped out of a club as her denim skirt rode up, revealing a sadly out-of-shape derriere. Hollywood insiders say she has gained at least 15 pounds and will have to undertake a fitness regimen before she gets parts.

But Reid blames the media.

"People think [I am just a party girl], and it's bull[bleep]," she ranted to Hayden. "I wish they would just tell the truth. I'm not a drunk . . . I don't have a drinking problem. I don't have a drug problem, for sure."

Blah, blah, blah. I'm not followin' you, druggie! Speaka da English?

During the rest of the interview she rambles on, speaking gibberish about how unbelievable it is that no one takes her seriously as a thespian. She is totally out of control and must be stopped before she hurts someone or herself! If you'd like to read the entire sad, sad thing, go here.

I keed, actually. What kind of misleading yellow non-journalism is this? I don't really see anything even remotely resembling a "meltdown" in this interview! As regular Felt Up readers know, I have rather stringent standards for which celebrity behavior can offically be labeled a "meltdown," and this ain't it! So she put on 15 pounds! Big deal! I put on 15 pounds yesterday. So she wishes people would not see her as a "retard" or a "drunk party girl"--what else is new? Tara always wishes that! That's her schtick! She acts like a retarded drunk party girl slut, her boob lolls around outside of her dress, the cameras pop, we watch with glee, and then she moans and groans that she's not like that at all. That is how our relationship with Tara works! Duh.

The only delusional aspect of her interview is that she seems to think she is one "Monster" role away from respectability, perhaps even an Oscar. Oh, Tara. Girl, you need to get those thoughts out of your pea-sized, alcohol-riddled brain, pronto. You don't use "Taradise" as a stepping stone to film greatness. You use it as leverage to get more money for your appearance on "The Surreal Life 10" and possibly a gig as a Morgan's Rum serving wench at a pubicity event for the release of "The Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel. You might even get to meet Keith Richards! See, everything is not so gloomy! Buck up, lil' camper! But I digress.

Anyway, kudos for a great headline, Page Six, but when it comes to the accompanying article, I am very disappointed with the way you mislead us all. J'accuse, Page Six.

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J'accuse, I say!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Star Got Shined On

Page Six has a gleefull, giddy report about Star "I Had Gastric Bypass And I Look Freaky Deaky" Jones being dumped by the E! Channel. Apparently her contract to do red-carpet pre-show interviews for award shows like the Emmys will not be renewed, thank the sweet baby Jesus:
Jones, who grated on the nerves of viewers and E! execs by continually promoting her wedding last year, made her final appearance as the cable channel's red carpet reporter at the Emmys this month.

The option in her contract for another year was not picked up. "One year was enough," our insider said.

Jones claims the decision was hers, and told The Post last week she'll be too busy promoting her book, "Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love" (Collins), due out Jan. 6.

The tome is about her meeting and mating with hubby Al Reynolds.

"I couldn't make any commitments next year beyond supporting the book and doing 'The View,' " Star said. "I want to make sure I do my everyday job very well."

But PAGE SIX predicted her exit from E! months ago when execs groused about her ratings and the way she pressured stars on the red carpet into coming onto "The View."

"This has been in the works for a while," said one insider. "She just didn't do well on the red carpet and E! is letting her blame the book, but they were the ones telling her they wouldn't be picking up her option."

The source then snickered, "Do you think Star would give up good money and a load of freebies from the goody bags and the dresses for a book? No way."

The new E! red carpet team is Kathy Griffin — considered to be almost as funny as Jones' predecessor, Joan Rivers — plus Giuliana Depandi and Carson Kressley.

The insider added: "If E! were smart, they would put Kathy on the red carpet to interact with the celebs instead of on the bridge just commenting on them. She is comedy gold and even if she upsets people — so what? Joan Rivers always p - - - ed people off, but they always came back."

Here, here! I agree with the snitch! Getting rid of Star Jones is good for the E! Channel, good for awards shows, and good for America!

I do, however, take exception to the assertion by Page Six that Kathy Griffin is "almost as funny" as Joan Rivers. Kathy Griffin is twice as funny as that mean old bag! Joan looks exactly like the late Wayland Flowers' dummy, Madame--except Madame made me laugh every once in a while and didn't have a hideous, annoying daughter with her who had no career of her own. Although Melissa does seem to be made of wood...

Anyway, having witnessed "Queer Eye"'s Carson Kressley do a "Fahion Police" segment with Kathy, I can attest that this dynamic duo, these doyennes of dish, these bastions of beyotch, would be the best things to happen to the red carpet since Tara Reid's exposed boob! Huzzah!

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Wayland and his dummy, Madame...

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...and Joan and her dummy. Uncanny!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post!

Now here's something to sink your teeth into:

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(via Hollywood Rag)

Post catty captions in comments box. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Madge flouts London's anti-gun legislation. (Aaron W.)

Monday, September 26, 2005

World Lets Out Collective Snore At Kutcher/Moore Nuptials

Well, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were finally joined in holy, sacred matrimony at some sort of craaaaaazy Kabbalah-themed wedding at Demi's house.

Yawn.

I wish I could muster up some enthusiasm about this story, or even the tiniest bit of interest in it, but I just find them the world's most boring couple. Once the initial shock wore off and everyone got used to the whole "she's old and annoying, and he's young and annoying" thing, I mean really, who gives a good goddamn what they do? Dullsville, man!

Plus anything having to do with the Kabbalah makes me want to dress in a black shroud, throw on a little "Bela Lugosi's Dead," and become a Wiccan.

I can just imagine their vows:

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"I, Demi, take you, Ashton, to be my human publicity stunt, to keep me in the news long after anyone thought possible based on my acting prowess in such films as "St. Elmo's Fire" and "Striptease," in good times and bad, in thinness and exercise bulimia, until death by lack of nutrients we do part."

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"I, Ashton, take you, Demi, to be my entree into the world of hot teenage daughters and my stepping stone from Fez to the A-list, to be my mom's new best friend, in good times and bad, in manorexia and future addiction, until I lose interest, Brittany Murphy goes on a jealous rampage and stalks and kills us all, or my career takes a nosedive, whichever comes first."

Mazel-tov!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Caption Contest!

Winner is in previous post!

This picture isn't funny, exactly; it's more terrifying in nature. Halloween is just around the corner, after all...

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Post your captions in the comments box.

Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Star Jones grooms her very straight, very trainable second husband to be. (deron bauman)

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Ding-Dong The Witch Is Dead!

Hallelujah! Talentless clod Princess Disgrace of Monaco was finally stripped of her ill-gotten crown, which was then placed on the charming, classy head of John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley , and now all is right with the "Dancing With The Stars" universe, at long last.

The Associated Press reports that:
The votes are in - and ohn O'Hurleyhas bested Kelly Monaco to win the "Dancing with the Stars" title many thought he deserved in the first place.

"I'm very rarely beyond words, and I am right now," O'Hurley said after the results were announced Thursday on the ABC show.

In a rematch, O'Hurley and his professional dancing partner, Charlotte Jorgensen, bested Monaco and hers, Alec Mazo. Monaco beat O'Hurley in the July 6 season finale of the show, but the win over the popular O'Hurley prompted skepticism over the voting process.

The victor of the rematch was chosen purely by viewers - and co-host Tom Bergeron said the winner and loser were separated by just 1 percent of the votes."

The article goes on to mention the judges' comments on the various routines, but the best part is where the A.P. pretty much comes out and says that Kelly "Top-Heavy" Monaco is a dirty whore:
At least Monaco's outfits were consistent - extremely tight, revealing and dripping with glitter and jewels.

Ha!

At least not all nice guys finish last. Bravo, J. Peterman! Bravo! Your win tonight helps restore a teensy tinsy smidge of my regard for my fellow countrymen.

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Hip hip hooray!

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For he's a jolly good fellow!

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The Queen is dead; long live the King!

Two Promising Young Men Lose Their Innocence

Well, things are looking up, although not as far as the weather is concerned. I'm trying to look on the bright side, people! I was able to get my greedy paws on enough Coke Zero to last until that beyotch Rita blows over, the "Lost" premiere like, totally blew my mind last night, man, and now comes word from Page Six that America's Sweetheart, Jay McCarroll, has his own show, "Project Jay," although first they had to get a few digs in at our beloved Jam Master Jay:
Surly "Project Runway" winner Jay McCarroll is said to be furious with his patron saint, Heidi Klum, because she nixed the dress he made for her to wear to the Emmys in favor of a wispy, floral, off-the-shoulder Christian Dior frock.

McCarroll, who is now filming 12 episodes of "Project Jay" — a follow-up show to "Project Runway" — whipped up an outfit for Klum, who had given birth just six days earlier to Henry, her and Seal's son, all of which was documented by a camera crew.

McCarroll was said to be shocked that his dress was not picked.

But a rep for Klum said that McCarroll's design was just one of the dresses she tried on. "The day of the Emmys, the gown just did not work. It probably was the most challenging task of 'Project Runway' ever — design a dress for a woman who has just given birth."

Oh, pooh. Jay is not "surly," he's a mad genius, that's all! And I saw that dress Klum was wearing, and it made her look less like a new mom and more like the Queen Mum. And not in a good way. She herself looked great, don't get me wrong. But the dress was way too floral and flowy, like something Betty White would wear to a garden party during a very special guest appearance on "Murder, She Wrote." I'm sure Jay's was better!

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Jay!

In other non-news, British purveyors of email gossip Popbitch presented this tantalizing blind item:
Back in the 80s, just as his career was taking off, which Hollywood megastar was paid $1 million and a sports car by a Saudi Prince to have sex with him?

Hmmm. That's a tough one. Lots and lots of Hollywood megastars' careers took off in the '80s. But I'm going to go with the one who's name rhymes with Rom Snooze. I don't know why, exactly--isn't everyone a male prostitute when you get down to it?--but it just feels right...

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"Rom" in his early days. If I were a Saudi prince with a thing for young American boys, I'd certainly pay a million bucks for some hot Snooze action. Huzzah!

Stop Hassling Me, Hoff. No, Really. I'm Serious.

From Ananova.com:
Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff's first hip-hop album.

The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles and are said to have struck up a close friendship.

Hasselhoff has had some success as a singer, releasing seven albums. He's also said to be very popular in Germany.

Ice-T, who was one of the first real hip-hop stars in the late 1980s, said: "The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him."

The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-old for Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.

Ice-T added: "He's gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff - I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."

Is this a joke? Is it April Fool's Day in England? What is going on?

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A hurricane may be headed for Dallas, there's a run on water and saltine crackers here in Austin, and now Ice-T is producing a rap record for Hassle the Hoff.

Is it global warming, or something far more frightening?

What's next? Is a leviathan going to wash up on the shore? Will the sea turn blood red? WILL THE SKY START RAINING FROGS?

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I mean, now, really. WTF?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Gossipotpourri

Hey, Brian Jonestown Massacre! The good news is, you got into Page Six! The bad news is, it was for having all your gear stolen:
BRIAN Jonestown Massacre, the rambunctious retro-rockers profiled in the documentary "Dig!," are traveling considerably lighter these days. Someone swiped the band's van and trailer full of vintage instruments right before their Bowery Ballroom show the other night.

BJM's ornery frontman, Anton Newcombe, and his long-suffering lackeys are missing a 1960s-era, 12-string Gibson guitar, a Rickenbacker 12-string, a Gretsch drum kit and a Fender bass, among other items.

"If everyone in the area keeps an eye out at pawn shops, music stores, private sellers, and even eBay for this missing gear, it could help eventually track some of it down," read a posting on the band's Web site.

Um, you think you're going to find a truckload of stolen musical equipment in New York City? You are nutty!

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Anton, sans long-suffering lackeys.

In other non-news, Page Six also notes that Steven Spielberg is pissed at Tom Cruise for all the craaaaaazy he unleashed on us thetans during the "War of the Worlds" press junkets:
TOM Cruise shouldn't wait by the phone for his old "friend" Steven Spielberg, who directed him in "War of the Worlds," to call.

Reports from Budapest and Paris, where Spielberg is filming "Munich," say the director is still steamed at Cruise for ranting, during what were supposed to be promotional appearances for the Martian-invasion film, against the widespread use of Ritalin to treat unruly children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.

One source said: "Steven and his wife [Kate Capshaw] have five children themselves and know some children for whom Ritalin does a lot of good. They took exception to what Tom said about the drug."

Spielberg was also said to be annoyed that Cruise played up Scientology more than the movie during press interviews.

Yeah, if I was Spielberg I'd be mad, too. All that ranting-n-raving really ruined the profits he should have made for "War of the Worlds." I hear that thing tanked at the box-office!

But seriously, ladies and germs. Didn't everyone pick up the subtle subtext that Spielberg was barely tolerating the Cruise Missile during his long, protracted, couch-jumpin'-Matt-you're-glib-I'm-so-not-gay-I'm-engaged-to-a-pod-person
public meltdown? How could he not have thought the guy was a nutjob? How could he not hate all that crap? Besides, Spielberg knows the truth: TOM CRUISE IS MADE OF PEOPLE! PEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOPLE!

(Oh, I'm so glad to have the opportunity to pull that old gag out of the treasure chest one last time. Hello? Is this mic on?)

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And, finally, I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!

My dear friend Joel, whom I've known since the olden-timey days back in high school in California, just sent out an e-mail saying he is going to be a performer on "So You Think You Can Dance?":
Well you all know I am a great dancer and so does Fox.

The show "So You Think You Can Dance" recently filmed at my work and I am a featured anglo dancer.

Check me out in my White Cholo from El Monte outfit. It will air Wed. September 21st around 8:00 to 8:30 ish.

You all should have a great laugh at my expense, enjoy!

Oh, we won't laugh at you Joel, we'll laugh with you. Having someone I know on this show is the best thing to happen to television since last night's back-to-back "Dancing With The Stars" dance-off/season premiere of "Nip/Tuck"!

Here's a pic of Joel so you know who to look for:

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Huzzah!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Taking The Mick

One teensy tiny detail I managed to miss completely from The Great Kate Moss Cocaine Shock of 2005:

"Ex-Clash guitarist Mick Jones, producing the record, is also seen snorting cocaine from the stash." (via the evening standard)

Hmmm. I find this interesting because a) Mick Jones is 100 years old, and b) he produced both Libertines albums, which makes me wonder if c) the rest of the Libertines now hate his guts.

One wonders just how much bad juju one supermodel can spread around; the answer, I think, is a lot!

Young Me


Young Me
Originally uploaded by Shavar.
Dudley from "Dif'rent Strokes" has a flickr page and it's awesome! Check it out!

Caption Contest!

Winner is in previous post.

In honor of the boring old Emmy Awards, Star Jones and her sad, sad doggie:

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(via conversations about famous people)

Leave snarktastic captions in the Comments folder. Good luck!

The Winnah!

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It just goes to show, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, no matter how many La Perla bras you throw on it. (lucinda)

Anarchy in the U.K.! (NSFW)

Now that the lid has been ripped off her coke vial, all kinds of crazy rumors about Kate Moss are coming to light. As The Dude would say, this case has a lotta ins, a lotta outs.

Huzzah!

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According to the NY Daily News:
Over the weekend, sources claimed in Britain's News of the World that Moss had lesbian romps with actresses Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor, as well as a three-way with Frost and her former husband Jude Law.

Fashion p.a. Rebecca White was quoted as alleging that she'd seen Moss and pal Naomi Campbell blow their way through a "fist-sized" mound of cocaine in a single night.

White also told the paper that Moss "asked for several hundred [British] pounds' worth of cocaine" before attending a 2002 benefit for Nelson Mandela Children's Fund.

"She sneaked off to [take cocaine] all the way through the dinner, with Nelson Mandela at the next table," said White. "I couldn't believe how disrespectful that was."

Christian Dior, Burberry and H. Stern have all sidestepped any definitive answer on whether Moss will stay with them...

Meanwhile, London's Mirror reported that Moss has split with boyfriend Pete Doherty. The bleary-eyed rocker was seen a disco on the Spanish isle of Ibiza without Moss — instead kissing another man.

Moss' rep would only say yesterday that "all these allegations are being dealt with by lawyers, and we will not be commenting at present." A rep for Campbell, who in the past has been open with the press about her cocaine use, declined to comment.


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Sapphic sister? Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor.

Do the British Isles only contain five people named Naomi, Jude, Sadie, Kate, and Pete? (Sorry. Please insert "Davinia" in there somewhere just this once.) These saucy U.K. stories always revolve around the same celebs! How could they not have three-ways with each other, since they don't seem to know anyone else?

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Sadie's Frost seems to be melting...

I always thought Pete Doherty had a gay vibe with the other guy in the Libertines. In a good way. You're better off with an Ibizan rent boy, Pete! Stay away from The Moss! She's bad news, man!

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The good ole days before Pete gathered his Moss...

Why just today, News of the World posted the hysterical results of their "shock investigation" into Mossy's behavior, and they include allegations that she:
COAXED Sadie's then jealous husband Jude Law into taking part in her sex sessions with Sadie to keep him sweet over their lesbian affair.

ROMPED with blonde Davinia on SIX more occasions—and tried to carry on their fling after the soap star had married David Beckham's sports agent pal Dave Gardner.

BEDDED Sadie at a holiday villa while the actress's then lover Jackson Scott was there.

FORCED Sadie to vow never to sleep with any other women but her.

POUNCED on American pal Rebecca White while high on cocaine in a hotel and kissed and groped her naked on the bed, and

HELD such a grip over her tight circle of A-list friends that they have become known as "Kate's Disciples."

Heh. Like I said, Pete, watch out or Mossy will POUNCE, FORCE, HOLD, BED, ROMP and even COAX you to death! Run for your pathetic life! Run, or, as that seems physically impossible for a person in your condition, crawl, Pete!

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Crawl like you've never crawled before!

Rumba In the Jungle!

OMG. Tonight's the night we finally get a re-match between talentless clodfoot slut Kelly "Top-Heavy" Monaco and charming man-about-town John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley from the best show ever created by Man, "Dancing With the Stars"!

USA Today reports:
Kelly Monaco and John O'Hurley talk as if Tuesday's Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:30 ET/PT) dance-off will be one big love fest.

Their training regimens and competitive streaks say otherwise.

"They've been training like lunatics," executive producer Conrad Green says. "They're taking this seriously. They've got something to prove."

Monaco and partner Alec Mazo last faced O'Hurley and Charlotte Jorgensen in the finale of Dancing's six-week summer run, which drew more than 22 million viewers July 6. But Monaco and Mazo's surprise win over the heavily favored O'Hurley and Jorgensen was called into question because of a complex judging system and suspicion the vote was tilted in Monaco's favor because she's in ABC soap General Hospital.

"I feel like I won, but I'm going in as the underdog because the results were disputed," says Monaco, 29. "Until I prove otherwise, that's the situation. This is supposed to be all in fun. I don't want to scratch anyone's eyeballs out. But I'm competitive by nature."

ABC says there was nothing inappropriate about Monaco's win, which was based on a combination of a three-judge panel's ratings of final performances and votes from viewers tabulated from the prior week's show. But heading into the launch of its prime-time fall lineup week, the network hopes the controversy will attract the kind of rematch audience that made Dancing the highest-rated summer series since CBS' Survivor in 2000. Winners will be announced Thursday (8 p.m. ET/PT).

Monaco and Mazo have been training four hours a day; O'Hurley and Jorgensen have been training six hours a day. O'Hurley, who shed 20 pounds training for the show last summer, took up Pilates to boost his strength and flexibility.

"Kelly's a sweetheart. And this is playful competition, but I felt a little ripped off losing to her," says O'Hurley, best known for playing catalog king J. Peterman on Seinfeld.

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Lovable John O'Hurley!

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Boo, hiss! Kelly "A Slute and a Whoore" Monaco. Bleh! (To see the rest of her surgery-enhanced breastesses go here, but do so only at your own risk!)

The sucky thing is we won't know the results until Thursday. And if Clodfoot Monaco wins again I may have to renounce my U.S. citizenship once and for all. I'm totally and completely serious.

Tomorrow night is the "Lost" premiere! My television dance card is filled for the week, yippee!

God, that's sad...

Kate Is More S&M Than H&M, Anyway

Friend of Felt Up Terri R. gleefully sent in this report from CNN:
The Swedish clothing chain Hennes & Mauritz says it will drop a planned advertising campaign with model Kate Moss after she admitted to recently using cocaine.

H&M, Europe's largest fashion retailer, had planned to use Moss to help launch a new collection designed by Stella McCartney that will hit stores in 22 countries in November.

The decision to drop the campaign on Tuesday came after Moss acknowledged last week that British tabloid reports of her recent cocaine use were true.

H&M initially said it would proceed with the campaign, but company spokeswoman Liv Asarnoj said Tuesday that "after evaluating the situation, we have decided that a campaign with Kate Moss is not consistent with H&M's clear disassociation from drugs."

The company will call in another model for the campaign, Asarnoj said.

H&M said Saturday that Moss had apologized for her drug use and promised in writing to abide by a company policy that models be "healthy, wholesome and sound."

McCartney, daughter of former Beatle Paul McCartney, will design a limited women's collection of about 40 items that will go on sale in 400 stores on November 10.

Last year, H&M released a similar collection designed by Karl Lagerfeld, which sold out in a few hours worldwide.

Heh. Frankly, I was surprised they held onto her this long, although Swedes seem to have a more sheltered view of what goes on with supermodels than those of us in the jaded English-speaking world.

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Whatever. All I care about is this: How am I going to get myself to an H&M in time to armwrestle a Stella McCartney outfit from some bratty east coast teenager? We don't have H&M in Texas!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I've really never gotten over missing out on the Karl Lagerfeld collection. Karl, you haunt my dreams! O what might have been...

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LAGERFELD!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Let Me Tell You A Story About a Man Named Kev

Good ole reliable Gallery of the Absurd did not disappoint with its new portrait of the Spears-Federline clan:

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I especially like the "Pimp" baby hat. Bravo, Gallery of the Absurd! Bravo!

Caption Contest!

Winner of last contest in previous post.

In celebration of Courtney Love being sentenced to six months in rehab on Friday, Felt Up presents today's Caption Contest photo:

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Leave your pithy captions in the Comments box. Good luck!

The Winnah!

Caption Contest Winner:

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Look, it's Britney Spears baby boy! (anonymous)

Nobody Puts Babyshambles In The Corner!

Your humble Felt Up blogette is not feeling well today, but she doesn't want to leave you with nothing, so here. Read this article in is entirety, from the U.K. Daily Mirror. I mean it, read every word! It's an absolutely stunning piece of hysterical British tabloid celebrity non-journalism.
PETE AND KATE: SHE'S LEADING HIM ASTRAY
THEY SLAP AND BEAT EACH OTHER UP IN JEALOUS RAGES THEY SMASH GUITARS AND COMPUTERS TO SETTLE SCORES
By Euan Stretch And Suzanne Kerins

COCAINE-snorting Kate Moss tearfully submitted while her lover hacked out a piece of her trademark blonde hair... then went berserk at him afterwards.

This bizarre moment was just one scene from a world of weird antics between the supermodel and her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty which we reveal for the first time today.

An insider has revealed how druggie millionairess Kate:

-SMASHES up guitars and computers with Doherty.

-ENJOYS marathon sex sessions in a summer house known as "the potting shed".

-LEADS Doherty astray and is a bad influence on him - not the reverse.

She has also ranted at her pal Sadie Frost - ex-wife of Jude Law - in a jealous rage, accusing her of making a pass at Pete.

Pictures of Kate chopping up lines of cocaine caused a worldwide sensation when published in our sister paper the Daily Mirror last week. Today we reveal more images showing Kate, 31, chopping up the drug, snorting it, then cackling with laughter as its effects hit home.

Meanwhile, the astounding depths of the couple's mad behaviour is laid bare by an insider with unrivalled access to the pair's drug binges. He witnessed the screaming match at a recording studio in West London earlier this year during which Doherty cut Kate's hair.

Drug-addled Doherty, 26, flew into a rage because he thought she was flirting with a guitar technician called Mick in the studio.

So he grabbed a pair of scissors and snipped off a chunk of her hair.

"She went berserk and was shouting abuse at him," said the insider. "She fled the studios in tears. It was strange thing for Pete to do - it was definitely a power thing. He snipped off her hair and she submitted to it, though she wasn't happy. It showed a little bit of his dark side."

The insider told how the couple often smashed up thousands of pounds worth of equipment - including a vintage £1,800 Gibson acoustic guitar - during their rows. "They are like two immature, teenagers, constantly bickering with each other," he said. "They just row over silly, petty little things. If he uses the wrong tone of voice, she'll snap back at him.

"It's really immature. It's like, 'I saw you flirting with so and so last night," and the other will reply, 'I might have been' and the first one will say, 'Really, were you?' and then it will all just kick off.

"They are always slapping and hitting each other. Pete started smashing computers and she started smashing guitars. They've both swapped now. She's smashed the computers and he's smashed the guitars. I think they simply do it to wind each other up."

And he said angel-faced Kate was a bad influence on heroin-ravaged Pete - not the other way round as most people presume.

"When he hooked up with Kate, it got to the stage he wasn't showing up for anything. He missed shows, but she won't wake him up in the morning."

The insider says that since he and Kate got together, Doherty had become "very self- important".

"He's arrogant, rude and disinterested. There's very little of the soulful Pete left. Before meeting her he was never interested in living life as a celebrity but unfortunately he's recently become a victim of his own publicity."

The insider also reveals how jealous Kate let rip at her close friend Sadie Frost, accusing her of making a play for Doherty - highly unlikely given that Sadie had already made it clear she couldn't stand "the junkie". The insider said: "It was like, 'Why were you flirting with my boyfriend last night?' and then all hell broke loose. It was petty and trivial but it was days before they made up."

Violent mood swings and irrational, sudden bouts of paranoia are common symptoms of heavy drug use.

Another violent spat between the couple came as they travelled first class from Paris to London on Eurostar in July. Doherty was supposed to perform with his band Babyshambles at an Oasis concert in Southampton the night before but missed the July gig because he failed to get out of bed. The singer-guitarist, who had been in Paris with Kate for a Christian Dior fashion party, accused her of flirting with Jefferson Hack - her ex-lover and father of her two-year-old daughter Lila Grace - the night before.

She responded by throwing a glass of champagne in his face. In the ensuing row Doherty's T-shirt was ripped and he was left with cuts on his hands. The insider added: "It just erupted out of nowhere. Kate stormed out of the carriage and then Pete disappeared with blood all over his face." Once back in London, the insider says Kate chased Doherty up the platform at Waterloo station calling him "w****er".

He then told how visitors turned up at Kate's Cotswolds mansion to find she was having what she called her "private time" with Doherty. She had given him the run of a rustic summer house at her Cotswold's home which he nicknamed the "Potting Shed". The couple were so engrossed that they arrived an hour late for a gig. "They are a tactile, touchy feely couple," said the insider. "They kiss all the time. When Kate wants some attention, she will sit on his lap and kiss him."

Kate's fashion career is now in the balance after the drug revelations. High Street chain H&M are to press on with a huge ad campaign featuring the supermodel after she apologised for her drug-taking.

But the other companies she has lucrative deals with - including Burberry, Dior and Chanel - may yet prove less forgiving.


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Wow. So it's really Kate who is leading Pete astray? Huh! This all kind of reminds me of a pale, pasty British version of "Being Bobby Brown," the reality show that revealed it is actually Whitney Houston who is dragging Bobby Brown down to Dante's 7th inner circle of ghetto hell, and not vice-versa.

Who knew?

Sunday, September 18, 2005

My Funny Valentino

Some great quotes in today's Page Six from fashion designer Valentino about talentless slut Paris "P-Hole" Hilton:
That Valentino is a man of extravagant tastes is well documented, but the fashion designer shows his true style in a profile in The New Yorker.

When writer Michael Specter asked the aging couturier if he would like to design Paris Hilton's wedding dress, he "shuddered" and replied, "No, I don't like her. She is marrying the son of a friend of mine. They have billions. She is vulgar, and she is not even pretty."

After pausing for a moment to gather breath, Valentino concluded, "The Hiltons, they have nothing."

Heh. When my ship comes in, I need to make sure that one of my underlings/lackeys reminds me to buy a Valentino frock. Kudos, sir! Well-played!

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What a silly cow...

Friday, September 16, 2005

Caption Contest!

OK, I know I had Elijah Wood in a previous contest, but this picture simply begs to be captioned. Thanks for sending it in, C.P!

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Winner of last contest is in previous post!

By the way, those pictures I put up a few posts ago of Kate Moss doin' la cocaina have now been banned from the Internets by the Daily Mirror's lawyers, so take a peek while I'm still under the radar...

The Winnah!

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Bitch! I know you di-n't just call me RuPaul! (porkmuffin)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Gwyneth Speaks! Someone Make Her Stop

Adhering to her newfound dedication to never shutting up or keeping herself from sounding like a vain, pompous asswipe, Gwyneth Paltrow (AKA Swyneth Caltrow, AKA "Flapjacks," to those in the know) is quoted--and then mocked--in Page Six today:
Doesn't sound like Gwyneth Paltrow is getting homesick living in London with "Coldplay" singer Chris Martin and their baby, Apple.

"I've always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it's a strange time to be an American now," she told the Toronto Globe and Mail during a junket for "Proof."

"I feel like we're really in trouble. I just had a baby and thought, 'I don't want to live there.' Bush's anti-environment, pro-war policies are a disaster."

Hopefully, her suicidal fans here will be able to bear her absence.

Heh. What is particularly irksome is that this makes all anti-Bush celebrities an easy target for the right-leaning NY Post: "Listen to the rich, white movie star dis the United States of America! She named her baby Apple! She sucks!" And this time, they are right! She does suck. People like Gwyneth give Bush-haters a bad name. She is just too easy to despise.

As much as I agree with her political opinions, I dearly hope that I don't sound as horribly humorless and unlikable whenever I go spouting off about W. If I even begin to approach her level of holier-than-thou pedantic snobbery, I hope someone will have the decency to hand me the nearest hari kari blade and a copy of Mishima.

Just imagining her awful preppy whine--she talks exactly like a female Thurston Howell the Third--droning on about how much respect she has for "the multicultural nature of the globe" makes me want to kill someone. Namely her.

Just yesterday, Friend of Felt Up Terri R. sent in this link to an article on CNN in which Gwyneth says "sort of" approximately 500 times and says that, incredible as it might seem, there were actually tasteless morons in Hollywood who thought that horse-faced ninny Gwynny "wasn't pretty enough." Just in case we were dumbfounded by this revelation, Gwynny adds, helpfully, "That's a true story."

No way! That's true? What the...? Get out! Gwynny not pretty? That's so crazy! Are we living in Bizarro Land now? Has black turned into white? Is up down? I. Just. Can't. Understand. How. This. Could. Happen.

Or, to quote Terri R., who, I think, speaks for all of us: "She acts like we would never ever BELIEVE that someone thought she wasn't pretty enough! God, how I hate her."

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I still can't believe her dad created my all-time favorite tv show (after "Taxi"), "The White Shadow," which, by the way, is finally coming out on DVD in November. Still, that one mitigating quality is greatly outweighed by the fact that Bruce Paltrow also created "St. Elsewhere," that her mother is the loathesome Blythe Danner, and that everything Gwyneth does, says, eats, sings, and wears is appalling and irritating at all times.

I'm with you, Terri R.: God, how I hate her!

Models Do Drugs? Whaaaaaaa?

The good people at Gawker have been waiting anxiously for most of the day for someone in the UK to scan in the Daily Mirror's shocking--shocking I say!--photos of Kate Moss doing la cocaina in a club. Finally, they got their greedy mitts on the pictures and posted them for us all to peruse at our leisure. Here's a couple to whet your appetite:

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I've had the Felt Up body language expert analyze these photos, and she says that La Moss's posture is saying, "Wheeeeeee! Drugs are fun! I love love love Babyshambles and Crackhead, I mean Petey Poo, and most of all I love cocaine! I'm thin."

To see the rest of the pictures in all their grainy glory, go here.

And here we've all been feeling so bad about ourselves for not being model-skinny that we've dieted and starved and exercised, when all we had to do all along was have great genes, a mild case of anorexia, and a mountain of coke. (When I say "we," I mean "you." I never exercise, since it usually involves the great outdoors and/or taking a shower. And if by "dieting," we agree that we mean "drinking Scotch and soda instead of frozen margaritas," then yes, I've been dieting. But either way the point is still valid!)

Say Goodbye to RenKen Zellsney

Yes, it's not shocking but it's true: Blind stick insect Renee Zellweger and bald kountry krooner Kenny Chesney have broken up and gone so far as to have their marriage annulled, according to People Online:
Four months after their beachside wedding, Renée Zellweger and country singer Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled, PEOPLE has learned.

The couple were married May 9 in a sunset ceremony on St. John in the Virgin Islands before 35 close family and friends. It was the first marriage for both.

No further details about the couple's split were available.

Dammit, I was trying to get a campaign together to insist on calling the happy couple either "RenKen" or "Zellsney," but now it is simply too late. As Kathy Griffin says, damn you, Zellweger! Damn you to hell!

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I had the Felt Up body language expert examine this photograph, and it is her professional opinion that Zellweger's posture says "I am a desperate freakazoid on the rebound from Jack White. By the way, who is this hick guy with the hat? I can't see! Somebody help me! I'm thin."

Fun With Blind Items

The beyotchy gossip newsletter Popbitch is out, and in it, those cheeky Brits say cryptically that:
This American film actress likes to spend much of her time in UK - but doesn't know her husband is shagging half of London behind her back. A conquest claims that as he climaxed he once shouted, "I love you, my dick loves you, I wish I could rip my dick off and give it to you."

Nice! Very romantic, too. Not to mention charming. But whoever could it be? Possibly the singer whose name rhymes with Piss Hartin, the frontman for the band that rhymes with Soldplay whose wife is an American actress whose name rhymes with Swyneth Caltrow?

Anyone have any other ideas? This could be a contest, too, for best rhyming names! Come on! And don't forget the caption contest in the last post, people! These blogs don't write themselves, you know. That's what I've got you for!

Is this mic on? Hello?

Caption Contest!

Winner is in previous post!

Here's your new challenge:

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Good luck!

The Winnah!

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"Three corn cobs to rule them all." (Terri. R.)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Not A Girl, Now Definitely A Woman

US Weekly is having a total online cow over the news that Britney Spears has finally given birth to another Federline spawn:
It's a boy! Us Weekly is the first media outlet in the world to report that Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center, according to hospital sources. Us was there as Spears, 23, and husband/aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, 27, arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first-time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side. (A rep for Spears had no comment.)

As reported in the Us cover story now on newsstands, Spears experienced early labor contractions on Sept. 9 and then spent the next several days in much physical discomfort. ''Pregnancy has not agreed with her,'' a Spears pal told Us. ''She has been sick a lot.... She couldn't get out of bed all weekend.''

Although the couple has not yet legally named the baby boy, sources tell the magazine they had planned to name the child Preston Michael Spears Federline. The child is Federline's third (he has two children, Kori, 3, and Kaleb, 1, with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson).

Sources tell Us that Spears plans to return to her $7 million Malibu mansion with her newborn within the next few days. In the October issue of Elle, Spears said she looked forward to motherhood, proclaiming, ''I'm gonna be a hot mom!''

Yes, Brit, you will be a hot mom, if by "hot" you mean "pimply, barefoot, and chubby," which, hey, you know, is hot. It's the look that's always worked for me, anyway!

By the way, this article makes it sound like Us photographers had their camera lenses inside Brit's womb during the delivery. Can't wait for the tasteful four-page photo spread!

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(via improv resource center)

Memories...of the way we were. Adieu, Preggers Brit. Adieu. Until next time!

Caption Contest!

Thanks to everyone who participated! Winner is in previous post. Now, get your noggins in gear for the new Caption Contest photo of Elijah "Hippity Hobbit" Wood:

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Good luck!

The Winnah!

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Poor Woody. Temporarily rendered speechless (probably would be blathering on about hemp clothing anyway) by giant mime performing "Stuck in Box" maneuver. (Lucinda)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Lusty Leprechaun Hitchhikes Due To Dipsomania!

O, Colin Farrell! How awesome are you? Let me count the ways, young sire...you not only hath an x-rated video with a Playboy Playmate, but also an illigitimate child with an ex-model, a huge problem with mead, a possibly-fake working-class Irish accent (secretly posh you may be!), and a propensity for throwing thyself on ladies of any age, size, nationality, sexual orientation, inebriation level, race, consciousness, or creed. And now Page Six reports that you were so drunk you had to hitch a ride recently:
It's not often you see a hitchhiker in tony Palm Beach — especially a famous one.

But hard-partying actor Colin Farrell was spotted stumbling backward on the side of the road with his thumb stuck out, reports The Post's Braden Keil.

"We couldn't believe it was him," said our eagle-eyed female spy, who drove by, then picked up the "Alexander" star in the wee hours. "He looked really wasted."

Our source and her male acquaintance drove Farrell to the Breakers — the plush hotel where the lusty leprechaun was registered as Irish literary icon James Joyce.

Farrell invited the two up to his room. They declined.

What a lovable scamp! Asking up a woman and a man to his room for a little menage a trois--he's always on the prowl, that Colin! I can't believe what fuddyduddies those two were--if they were telling the truth about not joining him in his hotel, that is!

At least he wasn't drinking and driving--this little incident shows how responsible and caring Colin is about his possible future sex partners, ie all of mankind. I mean it, better to be stumbling down a road with his thumb out than behind the wheel of an SUV, drunk out of his gourd, spewing lines from "Ulysess." I can't help it. He's a charming rapscallion!

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Like most hitchers, Colin knows you get more rides in your loin cloth.

In other non-news, we still have a Caption Contest going on down below, and so far Deron B. is way out in the lead. Mainly because he's the only one who entered. Don't put me to shame, readers! Win one for the (Felt) Upper!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Caption Contest!

In my never-ending quest to steal ideas from other, better blogs, I'm going to start a new feature on Felt Up that I have quite cunningly called "Caption Contest."

Like The Wow Report's "Snap Cap" or Perez Hilton's "Caption Me," the goal is for you, dear, sweet, valued reader, to come up with the wittiest, most wonderfulest caption ever created in The History of Man for whatever wacky photograph your humble blogette can cough up.

Leave your caption in the comments box, and when I'm good and ready I'll pick the best one. The winner gets worldwide fame and glory for all eternity!

So here's the first one:

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Caption away!

Been Dazed And Confused For So Long

Like the Olsen Twins, I'm not exactly sure why Matthew McConaughey is as famous as he is, but I do have to admit that I find him to contain quite a large amount of delightful stoner charm. Kind of like a better looking Woody Harrelson without the creepy assassin dad or the disappearing career. Sure, he's a frat boy. But he's a fun one who drives a trailer around the country, plays naked stoned bongos, and helped bankroll the excellent documentary "Hands On A Hard Body." Don't get me wrong; he's not my cup of tea (not dark or brooding enough, obviously), but I don't despise him the way I do so many others, and there are certainly worse, more annoying people around Hollywood. The actor whose name rhymes with Mom Bruise comes to mind, for instance.

Anyway, this little piece from Page Six only reinforces my warm fuzzy feelings:
Folks are still talking about Matthew McConaughey's recent performance at a John Mellencamp show at the Hollywood Bowl.

The Texan, who was famously arrested in 1999 for smoking weed and playing bongos in the buff, jumped onstage looking "completely out of it" and sat in on "Little Pink Houses."

Our source reports: "He couldn't open his eyes, he didn't know any of the words . . . He just kept hitting his bongos randomly and muttering . . . When he finally left the stage, Mellencamp looked relieved and told the crowd, 'I'm glad he's a good actor at least.' " McConaughey's reps had no comment
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Ooooh, how terrible! How dare anyone besmirch the grand lyrical content of a John Cougar song? What a crime against Art! Puh-leese. I'm sure it was the highlight of the evening for everyone involved. The McConaughey is good times, people!

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Don't let The Man get you down, MM! Remember what your ole pal Wooderson said in "Dazed & Confused":

"The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N."