Thursday, August 11, 2005

Tara Alert Is On Red

Sorry, no new gossip today, as I am still reeling from last night's "Wild On Tara" premiere on the E! Network. Although I did hear that Courtney Love is doing drugs again (hurrah!) and that the Doomed Pete Doherty/Kate Moss Affair is back on (hurrah!). But I just can't deal with these matters now, all right, because I'm totally high on Reid!

I was never what you would call a regular viewer of the "Wild On" travel series, as my interest in foam parties on Ibiza is rather limited, but I did catch it from time to time, and I must say that I don't remember any of the previous hostesses--such as Brooke Burke--bringing quite the same level of joie de trash to the table as Ms. Tara Reid did. Their "job" consisted of jetsetting the globe in search of the perfect tan, the "hottest" party, and the tiniest bikini. Tara's job, on the other hand, is just being Tara in all her sloshed, falling-down, slurry, glory!

Tara! Oh, Tara. Bless her distended, booze-filled heart! Tara was just her usual drunken party-girl self, and her "hosting" duties did not interfere in the slightest with her antics. And instead of being incredibly hott, Tara was bloated and puffy and had makeup running down her face and kept talking about how "fat" she had gotten during the filming of her latest cinematic triumph, "Incubus." She talked with a deep, husky, blowsy old smoker's voice reminiscent of Marge's sisters Patty and Selma on "The Simpsons," and generally looked like Donatella Versace (if Donatella had been floating face-down in a pool for a couple of days).

The premiere took our lil' girl to Greece, where she asked a bemused waiter about the Acropolis visible in the background. "Doesn't that have something to do with a guy who, like, did something with potatoes?" she queried, inscrutably. After flummoxing her Greek waiter, she turned to her fellow diners and said, and I quote: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist." Yes, "rock," I asked all of my viewing companions (we were watching at Friend of Felt Up Ursula F.'s lovely new home, by the way) and they all agreed that that was what she said, it wasn't just my wishful thinking. And you know what? She's right! She does make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist!

You see, all is not cocktails and boob-flapping in Tara's word. She wants to explore the cultures of the places she visits, as she explained to the Salt Lake Tribune:
"This is nothing like the old 'Wild On' with a bunch of frat kids going crazy," the bubbly Reid says. "It's about finding the culture and monuments. It's like you're following me on this incredible journey, and you're going to feel like you're one of my friends.

"You're going to see the people and the country and events and things we do. I feel like Willy Wonka, and I'm taking you into the chocolate factory. It's a classy show."

Tara then goes on to share some of her cultural insights:
St. Tropez, France, is one big party.

Sardinia, Italy, is her pick for most romantic city. In Mykonos, Greece, sea urchins with olive oil and lemon are said to be aphrodisiacs.

"At first I thought there was no way I was going to eat one of those. But let me tell you, they got something going on there. I was like, 'Woo hoo.'"

Wow! What a coincidence--I was like, totally "Woo hoo," too, throughout the whole show!

We learn so much about Tara and her life: That one of her favorite adjectives is "sick," as in "Oh, my God, Paris that ring is sick!" (Yes, She-Paris and He-Paris were around at the beginning of the show and they looked like they were constantly trying to dump poor Tara and leave her in the Greek dust, but were contractually obligated to go to two clubs, one dinner, and run around on a banana boat with her, against their will and better judgment. Ha, ha!) That Tara has a close male friend with a heavy New Yawk accent who travels with her sometimes. That Tara thinks potatoes will make her "even fatter." That Tara is lookin' for love in all the wrong places (I'm paraphrasing here). That Tara partied with delightful NFL football player Freddie Mitchell, who kept gettin' jiggy with it in his tighty-whitey drawers, and with legendary music mogul Clive Davis and (not at the same time) Urkel, both of whom, thankfully, kept their pants on.

To find out more about this historic television event, check out Club Taradise, where Tara will expand your mind with fascinating tidbits about world history, such as this:
In Cyprus, we went to the grotto where Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, used to bathe. It actually looked like the Playboy Mansion grotto. I think that's where Hugh Hefner got the idea for his. So, now I think I've been in the two most famous grottos in the world. You felt so much history being there.

But which grotto has more history, I wonder? Hard to say...

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I Heart Tara!


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sharon W. said...

oh my God you got blog spam!!!!

I heart Tara's weird stomach (have you SEEN it?!) eww.

Spare E said...

Oh, and like you said last night, Tara actually does make She-Paris seem sophisticated and elegant like Princess Grace - something I really didn't believe possible. Tara may not be a rock scientist, but it's still quite an achievement.