Monday, August 22, 2005

Love Child, Whizzinator Blues, Natasha Down-n-Out

The non-news is comin' in hot-n-heavy, hurrah!

First up, the Mata Hari of Gossip, Friend of Felt Up Michele S., sent in the bizarr-o word that Courtney Love, who just got sent to court-ordered rehab, is claiming to have a bun in the oven. And not just any bun, but the illicit love bun of Mr. Steve Coogan, the cult English actor who starred on the British tv show "Meet Alan Partridge" and is probably best known to American audiences for his roles in "24-Hour Party People" and "Happy Endings."

The News of the World has the scoop. It's rather long, but every single word is worth reading, believe me!
Wild woman of rock Courtney Love sensationally revealed last night that she is pregnant by Alan Partridge star Steve Coogan.

Approached in Los Angeles by the News of the World, she confirmed: "Yes, I am pregnant with Steve's baby."

Courtney, widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain, discovered her shock news just three days ago through a home pregnancy kit.

The baby was conceived during her two-week, drug-fuelled sex fling with British comedian Coogan in LA when they were both staying at the famous Sunset Marquis hotel in West Hollywood.

Courtney told us: "I'd rather not talk about our relationship."

But we can reveal Coogan's demands in the bedroom were a world away from the stuffy antics of his blazer-wearing spoof chat show host.

Courtney told her friend: "It was literally non-stop sex. Steve is a f***ing sex addict and has a major substance problem.

"He even asked me to get ten Viagra pills for him so that he could keep going, despite the fact he was past the point of exhaustion.

"When I was with Steve, I did things that I shouldn't have done. I passed the line of what even I think is normal."

Courtney's friend told us: "Another time Courtney said he wanted to get a hooker.

"She told him she was too old for that. But Courtney told me, ‘That's his thing'.

"He got a whole load of paraphernalia from the Hustler store up the road from their hotel.

"She also told me Steve talked her into doing something unsafe and said, ‘If he's given me anything, I swear to God, I'm going to cut his d*** off!'"

Rock chick Courtney is also worried her street cred could be in tatters for dating Alan Partridge.

She told her pal: "Tell me honestly...what does it make me look like that I slept with Alan Partridge?

"Given the grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean...Alan Partridge!"

Courtney, who has a daughter of 11, Frances Bean, by Cobain, is dealing with the fall-out from the torrid fling while she is in rehab.

She was sent there by a court after breaching probation for an assault charge. She must avoid drugs, produce four urine samples a week to prove she is off them and remain in a drug treatment programme.

But after one drug-fuelled night with Steve, during which she admitted taking cocaine, she produced a positive sample and was sentenced to a three-week stint at a rehab centre in Newport, California.

Courtney's pal added: "She told me, ‘I'm not going to point fingers but, regarding this latest matter with the court, a certain person I've mentioned was around me at the time'.

"Courtney can't believe Steve hasn't felt in any small way responsible for what has happened to her in court."

The rocker is said to be furious with herself for allowing Coogan to talk her into unprotected sex.

The pal went on: "Steve laid all the lines on Courtney. She's such a fragile being at the moment and she believed every word he said.

"He told her how special she was to him and that he wanted her to come with him to visit his grandmother in Cork.

"He admitted seeing seven other women as well as Courtney but he told her he wasn't in love with any of them—he was falling in love with her."

But now Courtney just feels her life is in turmoil over her pregnancy.

She told her pal: "This couldn't have come at a worse time for me."

The friend added: "She hasn't made any decisions about whether she should keep the baby or not.

"Coutney is 41 and this might be the last time she gets to have another child."

Dad-of-one Coogan, 39, was divorced by wife Caroline last month after he romped with lap-dancers. Aha!

Dude, I don't care if this story is as fake as Pam Anderson's rack--I love it! It has it all: An odd couple, drugs, hookers, unsafe sex, rehab, Viagra, an unwanted pregnancy, a grandmother in Cork, sex toys, the Hustler Just: wow. I am almost speechless. There. It's official: I'm without speech.

OK, I think I've regained at least part of my communicative abilities, such as they are. My favorite part is that Courtney's biggest concern is not failing her drug test, being pregnant, or having unsafe sex, it's that her "street cred" might be affected by her choice of sex-romp/drug-binge partner. Her priorities are, as always, impeccable! I also like how she blames him for her relapse. Drugs don't snort themselves, Courtney!

Image Hosted by
The man who may damage Courtney's street cred, Steve "Alan Partridge" Coogan!

Image Hosted by
An homage to our favorite moms, Courtney-n-Madge from German drag queens! I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be Courtney on the left...

I can't wait to see how this all plays out. Stay tuned!

In other unseemly sex-related non-news, it seems that Tom "The Whizzinator" Sizemore has a home-made sex tape making the rounds--and no one in their right mind wants to take a peek at it.

According to the NY Daily News:
A sex tape featuring actor Tom Sizemore is on sale online - but his former girlfriend Heidi Fleiss says you should save your money.

Last week, xPays, the same company that let Web surfers hear the moans of Paris Hilton, started peddling footage of the "Black Hawk Down" star getting down with several women. Sizemore's manager, Jason Tucker, says he isn't sure how the tapes came to be sold, but he believes his client "has a legal right to some of the proceeds."

"He's not embarrassed by [the tape]," Tucker tells us. "Tom said, 'It's the maraschino cherry on the banana split that's been my life.'"

What's more, Tucker suggests, viewers will get their money's worth. Portraying Sizemore as a reluctant superstud, Tucker says the "Saving Private Ryan" star, now in rehab, suffers from priapism - a medical condition that leaves his privates in a constant state of arousal. "He can have sex nine times without stopping," Tucker contends.

Fleiss thinks not.

"He needed Viagra when I was with him," the former Hollywood Madam tells us.

Fleiss also alleges the macho "Natural Born Killers" actor once invited her hunky ex-boyfriend John Enos to join them in a ménage à trois.

Enos, who starred on "The Young and the Restless," says he turned them down.

"I'd rather be hit by a train," he tells us. "What would I need him for, except to get me drinks and light my cigarette?"

Tucker denies there's anything remotely gay about Sizemore, based on "the relationships that I've seen him in." He also argues that Fleiss has an ax to grind, since Sizemore was convicted in 2003 of assaulting her.

Fleiss claims that Sizemore "has been trying to market these tapes forever. Nobody wanted them. Who wants to see him having sex?"

As for rumors that one Sizemore sex tape features Elizabeth Hurley, reports the actress is not on the currently available tape, but adds that two more Sizemore tapes are said to "feature the actor with different female celebrities."

Poor ole Tom. It's a long, long fall from co-starring with Robert DeNiro in "Heat" to being mocked by "Young and the Restless" star. John Enos would rather be hit by a train than have be in a Tom Sizemore sex sandwich? What's next? Carrot Top calling Tom ugly? Phyllis Diller telling the press she'd rather stab herself in the eye rather than tie Tom's shoe? Dating Heidi Fleiss? Oh, wait, he already did that. Never mind...

Image Hosted by
From Old Men Crying. 'Nuff said.

And finally, just when you thought it couldn't get any sadder or more sordid, poor Natasha Lyonne, who was so great in "The Slums of Beverly Hills," "But I'm a Cheerleader," and "American Pie," has really hit rock-bottom. From MSNBC:
Drugs. Disease. It's a true Hollywood tragedy.

She rose to stardom in “American Pie,” but now actress Natasha Lyonne is fighting for her life.

The New York Post broke the story that the missing actress had been found. Natasha, 26, is struggling to survive in New York City's Beth Israel Hospital intensive care.
Story continues below ↓ advertisement

Reportedly, Natasha is suffering from hepatitis C, a heart infection, a collapsed lung and is covered in track marks.

She's also undergoing methadone treatment — typically used to help heroin users.

“I read the article. I'm crying actually. It's terrible, you know. It's my little girl,” Natasha's dad Aaron Braunstein told Access Hollywood. “It's a terrible tragedy, but she's going to get better. We're praying for her and she's a tough girl.”

Aaron visited his daughter one week ago and he thinks she may have contracted the hepatitis C while shooting the movie “The Grey Zone.”

“As we see in the paper, she's probably with the wrong crowd,” he added. “The main thing, she picked up the liver thing in Bulgaria during ‘The Grey Zone.’”

And Aaron is very upset about the article in the Post.

“There's a confidentiality between patient, doctor and hospital, so all of this is probably going to be a major lawsuit,” he continued.

Natasha, who has also appeared in “Slums of Beverly Hills,” “Detroit Rock City” and “Kate and Leopold,” was arrested for drunk driving in 2001, but it was about two years later when her friend Michael Rappaport — who rented Natasha an apartment in his New York Brownstone — started receiving complaints about his tenant.

Natasha allegedly terrorized the neighbors and destroyed the property. Michael told his scathing story about evicting his friend to Jane magazine for their May issue.

“Natasha, who I used to think was so cool, had s--t on me and my property…I tried to help her, a lot of friends did,” Rappaport told Jane. “But she screwed me. She can kiss my a--.”

Needless to say, her father wasn't pleased with the situation.

“There's no crime in America to keep an apartment dirty,” Aaron contends. “You're paying $5,000 a month, so Michael Rappaport used the judicial system to have my daughter break her lease.”

The Post reports Natasha had been living on the streets since her eviction. But her dad argues she owns her own co-op.

At the end of the interview, Aaron had one final message for his ailing daughter.

“Natasha, we love you. We're praying for you, God should bless you and we'll see you later,” he said.

Jeez, this is depressing. What's particularly sad is that it seems her dad only speaks to her through the press. Is he not allowed to see his daughter in the hospital? Are they totally estranged? How long was she "missing?" A big downer, man.

Image Hosted by
But not too down to keep from posting her mugshot!

Celebrity mugshots rule! Huzzah!

1 comment:

Spare E said...

So a couple days ago at the top of my Recommended section on Netflix was "Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Patridge: The Complete Series." I'd never heard of it before but once I saw it starred Steve Coogan, I immediately put it on my list and moved it right up to the top having no inkling that such a story of the drug-fueled perversions would soon break.

Now I worry: will I be able to watch the Complete Series without horrific flashes of Sir Coogan sniffin, snorting, and shootin' it up with Courtney Man-Hands Love engaging in sex acts that even SHE found questionable?

Oh, and the thought of Tom Sizemore struggling to peddle sex tapes of himself for profit to a less than enthusiastic public cracks me up. Very sad.