Monday, August 29, 2005

All About Jamie Lynn

From Me, Britney Spears Federline, To You, My Fans, I Give You...My Letter of Truth, August 2005!!!

Hey Ya'll:

You guys may have heard from that nasty ole Page Six that I was feudin'-n-fightin' with a 13-year-old on the set of my sister's tv show, and I just wanted to use my Letter of Truth to set the record straight, OK, especially since "Chaotic Two: Electric Boogaloo" may not be picked up on the VH1 like I was hopin' for (although we got all kinds a interest from UPN, so we'll just see what the Good Lord intends for my Truth, ya'll!)...

Anyway, I know it sounds kinda crazy, that a sophisticated married lady of the world like myself--who is totally with child, ya'll! I gotta give a shout out to Baby Preston Federline! Holla!--would stoop so low as to scream and rant at a 'tween just because she was causin' troubles for my baby sis, Jamie Lynn.

But listen, ya'll. This so-called "child" actress was, like, totally and completely evil, all right? She was so Damian, but, you know...A girl. Kinda like a Mini-Me version of Liz Hurley, got the picture? Starts with a "b" and and rhymes with "weyotch"?

My super-awesome and totally wonderful hubbie, Kevvie, told me to stay out of it, but what does he know about the sacred bond between sisters? I'm sorry, but in this one particular instance, his normally enormously huge intelligence is of no use. Because I'm serious, ya'll, this little girl was gettin' in my Jamie Lynn's shizat, I'm not even kidding!

You may have heard that this Spawn of Satan, Alexa Nikolas (I hate to sound mean, but is she maybe foreign or somethin'? Could we get the Homeland Security people involved?) started cryin' after I told her that she better watch herself or she'd never work in this town again. Well, she is a trained actress, all right? Those tears were just for show! I know when I was 13, my momma had me locked in the shed outside our house in Louisiana for six days straight days and nights until I could cry on cue, so I know she was totally fakin' it, ya'll.

And all these nasty rumors that my sweet lil' sis is becoming a "diva" are so mean and like, not true at all! She is always right there when I need her, polishing my gold records and learning my songs and all my choreography and such (Kevvie is so nice and supportive, givin' her private dance lessons and helpin' her design her stage outfits and such, while I sip on my daddy's milkshakes in my dirty nightie, puttin' zit cream on my face and rubbin' my belly for good luck--he's just the best, ya'll, I mean it!), and she even fixes all my food and drinks for me.

You know, some day I'm going to wake up and this mysterious sore throat I've developed ever since Jamie Lynn moved in with me is going to force me to have her perfom "Toxic" for me at the People's Choice Awards or whatnot, and it will be so precious to me to see my own flesh-n-blood carryin' on the family name. I mean it ya'll, I'm cryin' right now just thinkin' about seeing lil' Jamie Lynn dancin' with Kevvie and wearin' my old flesh-colored spangly outfit (I saw her tryin' it on the other day and dancin' around while holdin' my VMA and admirin' herself in the three-way mirror and Lord, she looked so awesome! I can't believe I ever fit in that thing, honestly!)...

So, in conclusion, let me just say that The Truth shall set you free, and this is my Truth, and so I'm free to not be sexy anymore or have to do anymore crunches ever again if I don't want to, because I'm goin' to have a baaaaaaaaby ya'll, and that is a sacred and holy thing that I am so blessed to be able to experience, and I'm catchin' up with you Shar, ha ha ha, just kidding! (We are so adult and mature that we're almost like sisters, me and Shar, so she can take a joke!)

Next time you get a Letter of Truth it will be from an honest-to-god mama! I can't wait to have that whole "Mend It Like Beckham" procedure, ya'll! I'm gonna look hotter than ever! (Kevvie says he can't wait! For fatherhood, is what I'm sure he meant!)

Love, peace, and mamahood,
Britney Spears Federline

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Don't worry, ya'll! I so don't smoke anymore and I harldy ever even drink Red Bull or nothin' now that Preston Federline is almost here! Peace out!


Anonymous said...

Be careful! I think Liz Hurley's kid is named...DAMIAN!!!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

As they say at the Daily Planet..."Stop the Presstons!''. Now the rub here is I dont know if this is real or if JBB made this up as satire. Its a fine line to be sure. yecch. ericav