Friday, July 15, 2005

You Can't Tame The The Butterscotch Stallion

The article that accompanies the Rolling Stone cover featuring "Wedding Crashers" stars Vince "Puffy" Vaughn and Owen "Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson has this interesting peak into the mind of the "B.S.":
He is, he says, primarily an ass man. "It seems to me if a girl has a good ass, she has a good body," he's saying, "but I'd almost just as soon not have sex if you're going to have to wear one of those, even though it's hard to find the moral high ground when making that argument to a girl. Anyway, there are other ways."

As it turns out, this overall general attitude of his recently made the news, in a half-blind item in the New York Post, as follows: "Which blond stud, nicknamed the 'Butterscotch Stallion,' has a perverse sexual bent? He recently picked up a girl at a wedding [!], and the two went back to his hotel room. When the woman asked if he had a condom, the actor replied, 'I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want to do something else' -- and proceeded to lick her buttocks for 'over two hours.' "

OK, so Wilson's real interest in butts is allegedly as objects to be licked. It's nothing to be ashamed of, really, and Wilson probably isn't, nor is he likely to be upset by his fling's loose talk. It comes with the territory, and he's got a sunny attitude about such things.

"It's like, 'Who cares?' " he says. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know...."

Now, don't get me wrong. I do like Owen Wilson--he's funny and smart and he was awesome as "Hansel" in "Zoolander" and was great in all the Wes Anderson movies, blah blah blah. However, I find him the least charming of the three Wilson Brothers and I have an instinctual intense suspicion of anyone who would date Cheryl Crow. And lately he has been coming off as less of an "ass man" and more of an "ass," man.

I mean, please. "Women have to be responsible for their own orgasms"? I'm fairly certain that Ms. Steinem did not mean this statement as a way to let Mr. Owen Wilson off the hook for the erotic fulfillment of his sexual partners. And by not wanting to wear "one of those," I guess that he's saying in his obtuse way that he doesn't like to wear condoms and actually tries to argue his conquests out of using them? Nice. Very nice!

So, let's sum it all up, shall we? Owen Wilson likes to lick a nice ass, won't wear condoms, and curls up into a fetal position when faced with the daunting challenge of bringing a woman to orgasm. (Or as he would put it, take her down the "path to the waterfall." Ewww.) Oh, Stallion. You make me proud to be a Texan!

I hear the movie is pretty funny, though. So, yes, I will go! Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not actually made of stone. Like the Butterscotch Stallion himself, I am but flesh and blood. Flesh and blood!

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David Spade As Owen Wilson on "SNL," using extra-special prosthetic nose. (via Defamer)

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