Friday, July 29, 2005


Control Tower, we have meltdown! Yes, apparently everyone's favorite crazy old lady Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake And I'm Perfect" Dickinson has been terrorizing her gym in L.A. with her patented Tourrette's-style outbursts, and Page Six has officially called it "a meltdown." Yippie!
Janice Dickinson's foul mouth is supposedly sending some members of her West Hollywood gym scrambling for the exits.

One fed-up staffer at the Equinox sweat shop called us to complain that the self-proclaimed "world's first supermodel" has been hurling abuse at her fellow gym rats.

"She had a meltdown in the ladies' locker room and started calling everyone the c-word," claimed our snitch. "She is very abusive and out-of-control. Some people are leaving the gym because of her behavior. The management has had meetings about her, but they haven't approached her yet."

But Dickinson — currently causing chaos on VH1's "The Surreal Life" — denied all.

"Every time I go, people are very nice to me," she told us from the set of TV's "Charmed," where she was filming a cameo. "I've got a lot of [bleeping] enemies. I'm confounded. Maybe people are trying to make me look like Naomi Campbell, but I'm not Naomi Campbell, I'm Janice Dickinson. I'm sure there are a lot of really angry ladies there because I do have an amazing body . . . There's a lot of angry, jealous bitches."

Dickinson is currently rehearsing for her one-woman show, "What Would Janice Do?," at Hollywood's El Rey Theater from Aug. 29 to Sept. 1.

Hold it. Hold it just one goddamn minute! Blah, blah, she curses--big deal. But Janice has a "one-woman show, 'What Would Janice Do?'" A one-woman show, "What Would Janice Do?"

O Lord, please hear my plea. If you can find a way in your infinite goodness and wisdom to get me to one performance of the three-day run of "What Would Janice Do," I hereby swear on my holy Star Magazine that I will never again take your name in vain (in relation to Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton), that I will stop doing biblical parodies featuring Joan Rivers as the harbinger of Armageddon, and though I am not very familiar with the process, I promise that I will say my prayers every single night (does a hex against talentless, conniving whore Kelly "Top-Heavy Clod" Monaco count?). Thanks for listening, God.


Now, back to the story. What a bunch of wusses they must be at Equinox! I would feel honored to have Janice call me the "c-word" in a fit of rage! That's like having a dress custom-made for you by Coco Chanel! Having your portrait painted by Andy Warhol (or at least silkscreened by one of his assistants)! Getting a free sushi feast from Nobu Matsuhisa!

Just look at her. She lights up my life!

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Come to Texas sometime, Janice! We know that you, like fine wine, only improve with age--and chemicals!


chepo said...

I dont know, miss Felt up. That picture of her is kinda good.

Now I have to go clean up the mess I made from laughing so loud.

Anonymous said...

Were I a millionaire (or even a thousandaire), I would buy us plane tickets and get us front-row seats for the WWJD show. Curses!

Terri R.

Donny said...

Send her up north. I'll help her start her own MILF site. :)

Anonymous said... It sounds wonderful!!