Wednesday, July 06, 2005

We Got Trouble!

More backstage gossip is coming out in dribs and drabs from Live 8. Page Six reports that:
Madonna and Mariah Carey performed at London's Live 8 concert urging debt forgiveness for African nations — but Her Madgesty can't seem to forgive Carey for some unknown slight.

Our backstage snitch overheard Madonna telling an underling that she wanted to be kept "far away" from Carey during the star-studded extravaganza in Hyde Park over the July Fourth weekend.

"Just let me know when she leaves her trailer, because that's when I'm outta here," Madonna seethed, according to our intrepid earwitness. "I want to be kept as far away from her as possible."

Hmmmm. What could have come between these two divas? Did they fight over who had first dibs on the puppies and kittens at some hotel suite? Was there a shortage of revitalizing sheep fetus blood at the Swiss clinic where they were both trying to retain their youth? Did Mr. Madonna, Guy Ritchie, once say, "Oi, that Mariah's a right good-lookin' bird, eh, don't you think, Madge, wot wot?" right before a trap door opened beneath his feet and he was swept down a long shaft to shark-filled tank beneath their stately London home? Sadly, we may never know the full story.

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The disputed playthings that drove a wedge between The Dowager Empress Madge and Her Royal Hiney, Queen Mariah of Carey?

Elsewhere at the humanitarian extravaganza, sparks flew between P-Hole Hilton's new BFF Kim "Horse Face" Stewart and one of Sting's lackeys:
Another behind-the-scenes brouhaha at the London concert involved Rod Stewart's club-hopping daughter, Kimberly, and Sting. When a staffer asked Kimberly if she wanted to relax in Sting's spacious trailer, she refused, saying that he and her father did not get along.

"That guy's a [bleep]hole," Kimberly snapped, according to our source. "I'm not going in his trailer."

Daddy Rod famously mocked Sting in 2003 as "Mr. Serious who helps the Indians," a reference to the singer's Rainforest Foundation.

Hmmm. On the one hand, Sting was pretty nice to offer the daughter of the person who called him "Mr. Serious who helps the Indians" a place to relax at the crowded concert. On the other hand, I hate Sting. Then again, Kimberly Stewart is an obnoxious, hideous beyotch who called poor Jen Anniston "homely." On the other hand, I hate Sting. So I'm not sure where my sympathies lie. Much like the African continent itself, I am torn asunder by battle--the battle between whom I dislike more intensely, Kim Stewart or Sting. This is a battle in which there really are no winners, I'm afraid.

Page Six relays a report from the Joe Jackson-themed magazine Steppin' Out that the reunited Pink Floyd did not speak or even look at each other during their reunion performance, which is not such a big surprise. I didn't listen to or watch them either! (Ba dum dum! I'm here all week, ladies and germs! Try the veal!)

But worst of all, it seems that Steppin' Out saw something sinister going on in London Town:
Paris Hilton and fiancé Paris Latsis, Brittany Murphy and Kimberly Stewart were all smiles as a funny-smelling cigarette was passed around among them, Hayden reports.

Goodness! A "funny-smelling cigarette?" Whatever could it be?

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I tell you folks, we got trouble (we got trouble!) Right here in River City! (right here in River City!) With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pot (that stands for pot!)...

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. I cannot help making show tune references, and yes, I know that this exact same "Music Man" number appeared quite recently in this blog. Yes, I am aware of the problem, and I am getting help! Leave me alone! No, I don't need an intervention! Keep the doctors and the police out of this! This is between me and my God...I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT!

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