Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Taking The Law Into Her Own Hands

Oh, those nutty British tabloids! So silly with their punny headlines!

Like this gem from the Daily Mirror:

"RUDE LAW"

Giggle, giggle! Hee-hee! I mean, seriously: Who uses puns in their headlines these days? How dumb! Ha ha ha.

So, what say you, Daily Mirror, about this incident? Us crass, celeb-obsessed Yanks yearn to hear your utlra-classy take on this debacle, so lay it on us!
ACTRESS Sienna Miller exploded with rage after fiance Jude Law's affair with his children's nanny was exposed.

Sienna told friends she and 32-year-old Jude had had a series of furious rows.

Shattered Sienna, 24, told one pal that she felt betrayed by the star and that she hated him at the moment.

Then she branded him a "bloody disgrace".

Jude is battling to save their relationship, but friends fear it will not survive.

The nanny, Daisy Wright, 26, kept a diary of their affair earlier this year.

Jude is thought to have been making arrangements to meet her again this week when his treachery was exposed.

Our sister paper the Sunday Mirror revealed how Daisy was sacked after one of Jude's children told their mum Sadie Frost - his former wife - they had found their dad in bed with the nanny. Jude seduced Daisy in New Orleans in March and the nanny was first questioned about their month-long affair by Sadie's PA in June. Daisy denied it to Sadie in a call.

But she was soon told she was no longer needed as Sadie had decided someone older should take over, following a misunderstanding about weekend arrangements.

Daisy was employed last August to look after Rafferty, eight, Iris, four, and two-year-old Rudy. She claimed her affair with Jude began the day after she arrived with one of his children in America, where he was filming the movie All The King's Men. Sienna had just flown back to Britain after visiting him. Daisy's diary of the affair included details of sex on a pool table - just like a scene from Jude's film Alfie.

Jude first seduced Daisy when they returned to his house in New Orleans after a concert.

In her diary, she wrote how Jude asked her to visit him in bed if she "felt lonely". She added: "We kissed and kissed for what seemed like ages. I was thinking 'I cannot believe this. Jude Law is snogging me'.

"The next thing I know, we are dragging each other upstairs to his bedroom, kissing and then, in the bedroom, ripping off each other's clothes."

At dawn one of Jude's children caught the couple in bed.

Repeated efforts to contact a spokesman for Jude went unanswered yesterday.

Wow! They did it on the pool table? It's like something straight out of "Alfie!" Oh, right, right, they mentioned that that actually was a scene in "Alfie." Does Jude use his own movies as sex fantasy fodder? What's it all about, Alfie? Maybe he really just wants to have sex with himself, figuratively speaking. Obviously he can have literal sex with himself whenever he wants....oh, you know what I mean. Don't you?

At any rate, at least the article answers one of the burning questions about this situation: The nationalilty of the nanny, which has been hard to figure out until now (was she from New Orleans? France? England? Whoreland?) but I guess if she wrote "I can't believe Jude Law is snogging me" that definitely make her a Brit. Also the fact that she apparently lives in the U.K.

Of course, what everyone really wants is a photo of the Naughty Nanny, and the Daily Mirror doesn't disappoint. Here she is!

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Daisy Wright, in the flesh!

She's kind of got that slutty milkmaiden thing goin' on. Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder if this was an affair of opportunity, or if Jude is a serial cheater and/or sex addict, or if he simply finds Sienna's "Boho Chic" look as ridiculous as I do. The woman wears floppy hats and furry boots, people, and yet is somehow regularly hailed as a Best-Dressed Woman! (My theory is that people think, "Hey, this bohemian crap attacted Jude Law, so it must be good!" But apparently he goes for the older nutty actress look (Sadie Frost) and the slutty milk-fed/milk-giver look (Daisy Wright) as well, so now what, o fashion arbiters? Answer me that!)

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Sienna in full craptastic faux Boho effect. Friend of Felt Up Terri R told me on our daily promenade yesterday that she thinks Kate Moss did it first and still does it better (although she hasn't been photographed too much since the Doomed Moss/Doherty Affair went into overdrive). How wise Terri R. is, how very wise indeed.

What fresh news of Sienna and Jude's tattered romance awaits us? As Jeff Lebowski would say, this case has a lot of ins, a lot of outs. (And a lot of the ole in-n-out! Ba dum dum! Thank-you! Tip your bartender, ladies and germs!) Will she get over this "bloody disgrace?" Will she and Jude continue to have "furious rows?" Or will they kiss and make up? Will Jude buy her the patented ultra-expensive Kobe Bryant "Apology" ring for his special lady? Perhaps whisk her away for a quickie wedding somewhere exotique and possibly not legally-binding, a la Mick Jagger and Jack White?

Only time, and the British tabloids, will tell...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just read in the Daily Mirror that Jude liked Daisy for her "mumsy" qualities, which has to be the most perverse thing I've ever heard!

Ewwww!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

Mummy, mummy!

Baby needs milk.

Anonymous said...

she's fugly.