Monday, July 18, 2005

Never Mind The Bullocks

So how was your weekend? Yeah, me too; saw "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory," which wasn't bad, but didn't knock my socks off, either, except for the awesome squirrel scene. Why was I the only person in the theater to laugh out loud at the line "Don't touch that squirrel's nuts"? Some things shall always be a mystery...

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Such as: What Sandra Bullock sees in twice-divorced reality tv "bad boy" Jesse James, whom she wedded in holy, sacred matrimony on Saturday.

According to WENN:
Several hundred guests including Jamie Lee Curtis, William Shatner and Regina King attended the ceremony held at a rented Californian ranch near Santa Barbara, according the Us TV show Entertainment Tonight and People magazine.

Bullock and James, who hosts "Monster Garage" on the Discovery Channel, arrived in a red monster truck, while many guests were unaware they were attending a wedding until the last minute - they were told it was a party to celebrate Bullock's 41st birthday. James presented his new wife with a vintage ring made by Neil Lane while Bullock made her husband a unique steel band.

Awww, that's sweet--she invited Shatner to her wedding! I kind of like the "arriving in a red monster truck" bit, I have to admit. Jesse James' second ex-wife was a porn star, by the way. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

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"SATURDAY...SATURDAY...SATURDAY! Sandra "Big Sandy" Bullock..Bullock..BULLOCK takes on Jesse "Yes, I'm Related" James...James...JAMES at the Santa Barbara Speedway's MONSTER TRUCK NUPTIALS OF THE YEAR...YEAR...YEAR...SEE the beautiful bride as she enters from the mud pit...mud pit...mud pit...wearing Vera Wang...WANG ...WANG....That's SATURDAY...SATURDAY...SATURDAY!"

WENN also has this totally awesome report about Jude Law's recent affair behind fiancee Sienna Miller's back--and he cheated on her with the nanny, wheeeeee!
The British nanny who claims she enjoyed an affair with heart-throb actor Jude Law insists the "Alfie" star phoned her last week in a bid to rekindle their romance.

Law, who is engaged to screen beauty Sienna Miller, allegedly seduced 26-year-old Daisy Wright while he was filming movie "All The King's Men" in America earlier this year.

Wright insists she enjoyed a month-long fling with the 32-year-old until she was sacked by Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost, after one of their children spoke out about catching the clandestine lovers in bed.

She alleges Law called her last week in a bid to rekindle their steamy relationship - but Wright still felt hurt by her dismissal from the job she loved and turned down his advances.

Wright tells British newspaper The Sun, "Jude really swept me off my feet. I fell for him. Now I realize he was just using me for sex. I was really shocked when he phoned me last Thursday and said he wanted to see me again. I told him I thought it was unfair that I had ended up losing my job over it. He said Sadie was in charge of childcare arrangements...He was begging to see me again. He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before."

Wow. Sadie Frost is either a really devoted mother, or is even crazier than I thought! When your younger, more famous (than you) ex-husband is cheating with the nanny behind the back of his younger, more famous (than you) fiancee, you don't fire the nanny, you nutty nutball! You give her a big fat raise, buy her a French maid's outfit and a Wonderbra, and tell your kids not to interrupt Daddy when he's having private "discussions" with Nanny! Then you buy a Nannycam and send the tapes to Sienna! Then you mutter evil incantations and cackle darkly as you stick pins into your Sienna Miller Voodoo Doll. Hello! Earth to Sadie! Any idiot knows that.

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Well, it doesn't matter anymore, since the cat is out of the bag. Jude has now apologized to his fiancee and to us, the general public, according to the BBC. Sadly, he did not break into an a capella version of "If Loving You Is Right, I Don't Want To Be Wrong" (or should I say, "If Loving You Is Wright"?):
Actor Jude Law has expressed "sincere regret" over an affair with nanny Daisy Wright as he made a public apology to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller.

Law issued a statement after reports of his affair with Ms Wright, 26, who cared for one of his three children.

"I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us," said Law, 32.

"There is no defence for my actions which I sincerely regret." He and actress Miller became engaged in 2004.

Friends said Law and Miller were "working through" their problems following Law's admission.

Law, who starred in "Alfie" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow," was filming in New Orleans when the affair with Ms Wright began, it has been reported.

Ms Wright was employed to look after one of Law's children with his ex-wife Sadie Frost as he filmed his new picture, "All The King's Men," earlier this year.

Poor Sienna. She went from being a starstruck teenager with Jude Law pictures on her bedroom walls to living out her fantasies in a creepy whirlwind romance with her idol; from semi-fame, semi-fortune and a tepid marriage proposal to...this. Daisy Wright really laid down the Law, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. Ha ha ha! I don't really like Sienna Miller that much. She bores me to tears. And now it seems I'm not the only one who finds her dull, eh?

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I believe it was Mr. Paul Simon who once sang:
"Wasn't in the Wright place, At the Wright time..."

God, I just love it when someone's name lends itself to endless punny jokes, don't you? I mean, everyone loves puns, right?

I mean, Wright?

Hello? Hello? Is this mic on? (tap, tap) I'm here all week. Try the veal!

1 comment:

Spare E said...

In another article on the Daisy Wright Affair, she is quoted as saying, "It was amazing Jude was a masterful lover who made my whole body tingle."

What New Orleans Nanny talks like that? It is clearly HILARIOUS, but a little too SNL-mousaka-lovah sketch to be believed.