Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I Think I'm Going To O'Hurl!

An anonymous tipster just informed me (via my super-secret "Comments" spy network!) that John "The Man Ripped Off By ABC And That Whore Kelly Monaco" O'Hurley has parlayed his (cruel and unfair) second place win on "Dancing With The Stars" into his own reality series! Yippee!

My source helpfully provided this link to a Reality Blurred story on O'Hurley, which includes a denial that the show was rigged from the show's producer:
Going into the final episode of "Dancing with the Stars," John O’Hurley had no chance. The Chicago Tribune’s Maureen Ryan talked to the show’s executive producer. Conrad Green says, “Even if she got quite a low score, she would have won” because, as Ryan reports, “audience voting in the week preceding the July 6 finale” was extremely strong.

She also reports that “Green categorically denies that producers had any input into the final scores the three judges gave Monaco and Mazo. And none of the trio knew how their fellow judges were going to rate the routine.” Green says, “I think if they had known they were giving three 10s, they would have considered it differently.”

HA! What a joke! Do you really expect me to believe, Mr. Conrad Green--if that is your real name--that that oafish dolt Kelly Monaco was so popular with the American people that her victory was a foregone conclusion? How dumb do you think I am? I know that a lot of people like "their stories," and many of them are, indeed, rabid fans of her show "General Hospital," but come on! Do you think that I was born yesterday? That I am unaware of what really goes on? What are you going to tell me next? That Lee Harvey Oswald was definitely a lone gunman? That there aren't aliens being kept on ice in Roswell, New Mexico? That flouridation of drinking water is not a Communist plot to control our minds? That the radio signals I hear every day in my head are not coming from the galactic overlords of Planet Gamma X? I suppose you have a bridge to sell me, too, sir! But I won't fall for your tricks and schemes!

Unless of course you are considering greenlighting this:
John O’Hurley has landed his own reality series. The show has yet to be pitched to networks, but GRB Entertainment has agreed to produce a series that “will explore his everyday life, including his role as a partner in the real-life J. Peterman Co.,” Variety reports.

The new series’ executive producer, Brant Pinvidic, says, “We’re going to do an unscripted comedy playing on John’s improv skills. Everybody who watched ‘Dancing’ could see he’s a really genuinely funny person. We want to give him a chance to use those skills.”

You know, Mr. Green, it's funny. The other day I was at a thrift store and I noticed a dress that had a "Made For J. Peterman, Co." label and I was certain that the evil radio waves were messing with my mind again-- but lo and behold, here I read that J. Peterman is a real-life company now, and John O'Hurley works there! I feel so much better! I still get these weird headaches, though. And I hear a few voice, every now and then...but that's neither here nor there.

And to think: We might actually get to enjoy hours and hours of that lovable, charming raconteur John O'Hurley without the distracting presence of a despicable, talentless, cheating slut like Kelly Monaco. Yay!

If you really want to make things right with me, the general public, and your God, Mr. Green, you should force ABC to order up a bunch of episodes of this new show immediately! And then make them fire that sillicone clod Kelly from "General Hospital!" It's the only way to save your soul!

Besides, with a comic genius like O'Hurley onboard, what could possibly go wrong?

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