Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I KNEW it!

Friend of Felt Up Steve M. sent along this remarkable piece from the NY Post, in which beloved charmer John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley speaks out for the first time about the secret "agenda" (aka "conspiracy") that allowed talentless slut Kelly "Top-Heavy" Monaco to snatch the "Dancing With The Stars" crown from the rightful winner, John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley:
"Dancing with the Stars" runner-up John O'Hurley says there was a hidden "agenda" behind "General Hospital" star Kelly Monaco's surprising victory on the ABC reality show.

"I did think we were going to win," O'Hurley tells Inside TV magazine — while admitting in the same breath that "the [prize] trophy meant nothing to me really."

O'Hurley mentions the "agenda" without specifying what that might have been, but conspiracy theorists were buzzing shortly after Monaco's victory on the July 6 finale.

Some believe that Monaco was helped by a huge "GH" soap-fan voter turnout, since part of the contestants' scores were based on viewer voting. Others think she won on the "sex-appeal" factor (she's a former Playboy Playmate).

Yeah, and "still others" believe that ABC rigged the whole thing from the get-go! Rigged, I say! Rigged! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGED!

J'accuse, ABC executives. J'accuse!

Oh, you heartless monsters. You can hide your nameless, faceless identities behind the facade of a gigantic multinational corporation, but you will have to face the music some day--and it won't be an orchestral tango version of "Toxic," either! Oh, no! The music you shall face will be the thunderous boom of the heavens opening up and God's vengeful angels showering you with a million piercing arrows, right before the Earth cracks and you fall down, down, down the chasm to the lair of Satan, where you will spend all eterenity with toothpicks propping your eyelids open and the flames of hellfire tickling your feet as you are forced to watch an endless repeating loop of Kelly "Clod-Foot" Monaco dancing the samba to Enrique Iglesias' "Bailamos" and making the same horrible, hideous, and quite obvious mistakes over and over and over again...that is, if you believe in that sort of heaven/hell, sinners/punishment thing. Which I do!

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I just want the hands of an angry God to smite you, ABC Television executives, for what you have done to my soul and the souls of my fellow countrymen. Is that so wrong?

Is it?

On the other hand, I've really enjoyed watching "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives," so...oh, hell. Damn you!

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Damn you to hell!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yes! I finally made the big time by "breaking" a story to Felt Up. Steve M.