Saturday, July 23, 2005

Conspiracy A Go-Go

OMG! Just got my new Star, and there's a big two-page spread on the "Dancing With the Stars" conspiracy--and juicy backstage gossip to boot! Hurrah!

The article claims that John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley and cloddish slut Kelly "Top-Heavy Dolt" Monaco "got off on the wrong foot early in the 12-week-long comptetition," and quotes an insider who says "if another dance team had beaten John and his partner, he probably wouldn't have squawked...there was no love lost between John and Kelly."

Oh, it gets even better. The source goes on to say that:
John's a nice, easy-going person, and Kelly's kind of high-strung...After one of Kelly's first dance routines, John took her aside and told her she seemed nervous, that she should relax and enjoy herself. Later that day, a producer came up and told Kellly basically the same thing--and she ended up accusing John of talking to the staf behind her back!

Kelly would also complain about how much time John spent in the makeup chair and she'd make jokes about his gray hair; she told one stylist that John couls use a shot of Grecian Formula! John tried to take the high road, but sometimes he'd be like, "Who does she think she is!"

Who indeed? I just knew she was a total beyotch, it's written all over beady-eyed vacuous face! Her whole demeanor said "I think I am the sh*t." Well, I beg to differ, Miss Thing. I beg to differ!

O'Hurley's charge that there was "an agenda" behind whorish clubfoot Monaco's win "may not have been that far off base," according to Star's spies. One ABC source points out the obvious, that "Kelly is a star on the ABC soap 'General Hospital,' so there's certainly a benefit to raisng her profile."

The article quotes Louis van Amstel, the dance pro who was unfortunate enough to be saddled with irritating reality prude Trista Sutter, as saying that "it's a popularity contest. If you have a million ['General Hospital'} fans watching the program, you've got a head start. We pros know that John was the better dancer."

Aha! Then they asked O'Hurley's dance partner Charlotte Jorgensen if she thought the show was rigged. She replied: "Who knows? It's difficult to say. I'm happy this is causing controversy--that must mean that John and I put something out there that people thought deserved better."

Oh, you deserved better, milady! You deserved to win and wipe that smirk off smug Monaco's pinched hateful face!

The photo captions accompnaying the article are awesome. Under charming O'Hurley's it says "Sadly Second." Under talentless beyotch Monaco's, it says "The winner? Some wonder!"

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John and Charlotte. As Star put it so eloquently, they "made a smashingly classy impression on the show."

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Star proclaims that taste-free Kelly Monaco's win "sparked controversy." I'll say!

I feel so vindicated. Like the Karl Rove scandal, this outrage is something the press needs to dig their teeth into and bring to the forefront of national debate!

1 comment:

Spare E said...

I've seen heavy (like her disproportionate bosom) hints that Madam Clodfoot may be either joining the cast of, or at least making some significant appearances on, Desperate Housewives.