Thursday, July 21, 2005

Best Headline Ever

From good ole WENN comes a totally awesome headline that really speaks to me, somehow, in its elegant simplicity:

"Madonna Snubs America"

The story that accompanies this headline--something about Madge describing herself as a "cheeky" American who adores her "simple life" at a ginormous English estate--contains nothing noteworthy. But the headline! Oh, that headline is just priceless! No hard feelings, Mrs. Ritchie. We aren't that crazy about you either since you went all boring and mumsy on us...

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Madonna teaches the children about Kabbalah, her new book, and snubbing America.

By the way, have you seen her Vogue cover? She is completely unrecognizable through all the air-brushing:

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Serioulsy, is it Julia Stiles? That actress from "Traffic," Erika Christensen, whom I always get mixed up with Julia Stiles? Who's that girl, indeed! And the gall of using this picture for the "Age" issue. It should be the "Photoshop" issue, for God's sake! Look at her!

Over at Page Six, their main report today is all about the shocking revelation that the international celebrity press--who have the really hard job of interviewing movie stars during their publicity "junkets" to promote newly-released films--often don't personally like the subjects that, in print, they must fawn over. Page Six gleefully presents two of these veteran junketeers' "warts-and-all impressions of Hollywood A-listers":
* Tom Cruise has only two ways of expressing himself: He either wields a "dead-serious expression," like Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel" stare in "Zoolander," or he just "laughs and laughs inexplicably," flashing his million-dollar choppers. "It's disturbing. You don't know what he's laughing about."

* Brad Pitt, up close, lives up to his last name. "He has pockmarks the size of the La Brea Tar Pits and his teeth are yellow and cigarette-stained."

* Jennifer Lopez is "gorgeous, but totally business-like, terrible. There was nothing real about it." Says one journo, "I was the only one who dared ask her something about Marc Anthony. She responded with a non-answer, but her Miramax publicist muscled me after it. I said, 'See you later,' and the publicist said, 'I doubt it.' "

* When he doesn't like a question, the Dalai Lama-loving Richard Gere has perfected "the silent treatment."

Additionally, the Brazilian celebrity magazine Contigo excavated these junketeers' comments about other stars:

* Harrison Ford "proves why his bad temper is so well-known," says one writer. "When I mentioned the word 'charisma,' and asked him why he's so in demand to play heroes on screen, he cut me off, saying, 'If you want to talk about charisma, go find Ricky Martin.' I was speechless after that."

* Catherine Zeta-Jones is "astonishingly beautiful, no arguing that. But intellectually, she's weak. When she doesn't understand a question, which isn't rare, she tries to make up anything by way of a response. The worst part is when she makes jokes, she's the only one who laughs. A total embarrassment."

* Andy Garcia is "a great disappointment. I thought he would be charming and interesting. But at the 'Ocean's Eleven' junket, I met a plain man in an ugly jacket who was fat and slung into a chair."

Soooooo. To sum up: Tom Cruise is nutty. Brad Pitt has bad skin and teeth. Richard Gere can be a dick, as can Harrison Ford. Catherine Zeta-Jones is pretty but dumb, and Andy Garcia is a fattie with poor fashion sense.

Nothing I didn't know or supsect already, although I guess that's the first time anyone has ever cast aspersions on Brad Pitt's attractiveness. Personally, I find him a bit on the monkeyish side...

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...but maybe I'm crazy. Don't get me wrong, I like Brad Pitt as an actor, I just don't see what the big deal is about his supposedly "perfect" looks. He's a pretty boy who looks like a monkey! Can't anyone see it but me?

Anyway, these "junketeers" sound like jerks. Feh.

1 comment:

Lang Squal said...

Actually, I'm quite proud of Richard Gere for getting SILENT until the question changes. Good for him! I am going to practice his technique..

(if anyone would ever interview me!) [sobbing]