Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Antinyms

Boyfriend of Felt Up C.P. sent me a link to some crazy Howard Stern message board, where the jibber-jabber had, naturally, turned to the topic of "Blow Out"'s Jonathan "I Came Here To Do Perfect Hair or No Hair At All" Antin.

In case you have never seen "Blow Out," it is a Bravo reality show that follows the trials and tribulations of a narcissitic, aggressively heterosexual, egomaniac hairdresser named Jonathan as he opens a salon in Beverly Hills called "Jonathan" and launches a line of hair product called "Jonathan." Jonathan is prone to bursting into tears at things like hearing that his product has received a barcode; he allows the cameras to film him sobbing in his therapist's office; throws inferior test product against the wall in a fit of pique when it doesn't meet his exacting standards for hair gel; says "doing heads" instead of "cutting hair"; slams his fist into a wall when he gets mad at an equally-obnoxious graphic designer; charges $500 for a haircut and $5,000 to visit a client's home (no mention of whether or not this includes a "happy ending," by the way); pits his employees against one another and fires the only other straight/tattooed male hairdresser because he's a direct threat to Jonathan's faux studliness; and generally provides the best television this side of "Being Bobby Brown."

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Jonathan does a head. While looking at himself. As usual.

Anyhoo, Jonathan frequently mentions his beloved sister who runs a burlesque troupe (naturellement) called the "The Pussycat Dolls," but he rarely discusses the rest of his family. Well, lo and behold, one VegasSternFreak has provided some background information on Jonathan on the Stern Fan Network, under the enlightened heading "BLOW OUT star faggy hairdresser Jonathan Antin is a fraud - Silver Spoon in his mouth." Mr. SternFreak seems to be most concerned with Jonathan's "fagginess" and also with the fact that he didn't get where he is through old-fashioned hard work in the hairdressing salt mines:
I've seen this guy Jonathan before. Just couldn't put my finger on it.
I've seen that smug mug before....where though...where?

This faggy Jonathan Antin keeps crying on his Bravo TV show
about how hard it was to make it as a hairdresser. The truth is,
he has a whole family in show business with many connections.

His Dad was a Hollywood stuntman. His two older brothers were
both actors. One brother, Steve Antin, you've seen in The Last
American Virgin and Goonies. His sister created and
owns The Pussycat Dolls. The guy has had LOTS of help
getting his hit TV show and a product line onQVC. Silver Spoon!!

OK. I'm not even going to address your virulent and rather telling homophobia, Mr. SternFreak, but I would like to know exactly how you think that being the brother of the guy in "Last American Virgin" paved the way for Jonathan's fame and fortune? Do you think the doors to the corridors of power simply swung open the minute a young Jonathan presented his "I Am Steve Antin's Younger Brother" card? And I'm sorry, but it's a long, very winding, and possibly downhill road from being a stuntman's son to doing the hair of stars the caliber of Lisa Rinna. Lisa Rinna!

On the other hand, Jonathan is a major, major tool. And Mr. SternFreak helpfully provided a photo from "The Last American Virgin" to help jog everyone's memory:

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He also played the mean preppie jerk in "Goonies," but I haven't been able to find a picture of him in that role.

Call me weird, but I've always been intrigued by who is related to whom in Hollywood. And I collect obscure actors like other, healthier people collect baseball cards or stamps. Steve Antin seems to have made the leap from actor to screenwriter in recent years, and C.P. assures me that his movie "Inside Monkey Zetterland" is very good. I also noticed that Steve has followed in his dad's footsteps with an active career in stunts (two titles that leapt to the eye were "Swayze Dance," in which he performed "aerial stunt" dances for, I'm assuming, Swayze, which totally blows my mind, man, because all this time I was laboring under the mistaken impression that Patrick Swayze was a dancing machine, like the gullible fool I am!-- and something called "Curse of the Queerwolf" which is very intriguing indeed). He also takes after his sister in the dance department--he busted a move in "Breakin'," "Breakin' 2: Eletric Boogaloo," and performed uncredited "cabbage patch break dance stunts" in "Rappin'"--I kid you not! It's all right there on the IMDB!

Cabbage patch break dance stunts? Steve Antin, jack-of-all-trades and brother to a jackhole, I salute you!

5 comments:

sharon W. said...

I don't know you feltupbyjen but I love love love love love you :)

The love has now been firmly cemented by this spot on description of mr blow out. nannygate is great, DWTS scandal -fabulous, but Antinyms takes the cake. Has it ever been determined why he cries EVERY 5 SECONDS?!!! soooo macho.

Tim said...

I knew that Steve Antin was his brother, but I had no idea he played the dickhead in the Last American Virgin. Diane Franklin was a goddess to me in the 80s (appearing in this and "Better Off Dead" sealed it for me). And how can we forget "Bill and Ted"?

I like Jonathan for some reason. Maybe it was the crying (he's getting verklempt...). I liked when he realized that his former assistant was unhappy (probably unfairly) and decided to send her to do that photo shoot. It showed that he's not just self-absorbed--he has some empathy despite his narcissism.

Txbrenna said...

I love this show. This guy takes himself and everything soooo seriously. The "doing heads" has been my favorite Antiym.My favorite episode was when he was teachinng the hair class, and the "students" acted like he was their master yoda.

Anonymous said...

'Jonathan'...here's a complete waste of time and energy. If there ever were a bunch of characters who should be tied to a tree and beaten with a hammer.It's definitely this bunch of oxygen-wasting idiots. In this unentertaining program Jonathan himself flits in and out in a primadonna role he's created. He is without doubt the most obnoxious of people, as shallow as a damp puddle and sweetly insincere. He greets all clients as though they're not really a hoard of culligen-lipped and fake-boobed automatons that should also be tied to the tree, perhaps even higher up for supporting such a glorified barber. Jonathan is a bitchy, whiney-assed, cry-baby.I hope he gets nailed for tax evasion by the IRS and ends up in a cell full of Crips one day.

Anonymous said...

Hey wow! You quoted my thread on STERNFANNETWORK. SWEET!! I have an internet presence now! My Jonathon fag thread was quite popular. Thanks for reading! You have to be a gay guy, cause only closeted gays do blogs and if not, it's painfully obvious you prefer schlong. Interesting blog though! Good luck gay person. -VegasSternFreak fron SFN (VSF)