Friday, July 29, 2005

WWJD?

Control Tower, we have meltdown! Yes, apparently everyone's favorite crazy old lady Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake And I'm Perfect" Dickinson has been terrorizing her gym in L.A. with her patented Tourrette's-style outbursts, and Page Six has officially called it "a meltdown." Yippie!
Janice Dickinson's foul mouth is supposedly sending some members of her West Hollywood gym scrambling for the exits.

One fed-up staffer at the Equinox sweat shop called us to complain that the self-proclaimed "world's first supermodel" has been hurling abuse at her fellow gym rats.

"She had a meltdown in the ladies' locker room and started calling everyone the c-word," claimed our snitch. "She is very abusive and out-of-control. Some people are leaving the gym because of her behavior. The management has had meetings about her, but they haven't approached her yet."

But Dickinson — currently causing chaos on VH1's "The Surreal Life" — denied all.

"Every time I go, people are very nice to me," she told us from the set of TV's "Charmed," where she was filming a cameo. "I've got a lot of [bleeping] enemies. I'm confounded. Maybe people are trying to make me look like Naomi Campbell, but I'm not Naomi Campbell, I'm Janice Dickinson. I'm sure there are a lot of really angry ladies there because I do have an amazing body . . . There's a lot of angry, jealous bitches."

Dickinson is currently rehearsing for her one-woman show, "What Would Janice Do?," at Hollywood's El Rey Theater from Aug. 29 to Sept. 1.

Hold it. Hold it just one goddamn minute! Blah, blah, she curses--big deal. But Janice has a "one-woman show, 'What Would Janice Do?'" A one-woman show, "What Would Janice Do?"

O Lord, please hear my plea. If you can find a way in your infinite goodness and wisdom to get me to one performance of the three-day run of "What Would Janice Do," I hereby swear on my holy Star Magazine that I will never again take your name in vain (in relation to Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton), that I will stop doing biblical parodies featuring Joan Rivers as the harbinger of Armageddon, and though I am not very familiar with the process, I promise that I will say my prayers every single night (does a hex against talentless, conniving whore Kelly "Top-Heavy Clod" Monaco count?). Thanks for listening, God.

Amen.

Now, back to the story. What a bunch of wusses they must be at Equinox! I would feel honored to have Janice call me the "c-word" in a fit of rage! That's like having a dress custom-made for you by Coco Chanel! Having your portrait painted by Andy Warhol (or at least silkscreened by one of his assistants)! Getting a free sushi feast from Nobu Matsuhisa!

Just look at her. She lights up my life!

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Come to Texas sometime, Janice! We know that you, like fine wine, only improve with age--and chemicals!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Love Grows Where Eva Longoria Goes

Well, this is a first! A gossip item has been sent in by Friend of Felt Up Beto G. in the hopes of persuading his special lady, Terri. R., to become a fan of his hometown heroes, the San Antonio Spurs (Terri R. roots for the Dallas Mavericks, like all good, decent people). Although I do try not to sully my dainty hands by dabbling in sports or politics, far be it from me to stand in the way of True Love, so here goes! From Jeannette Walls' "Scoop" column on MSNBC:
Eva Longoria didn’t bag an Emmy nomination, but she got another nod of approval. The “Desperate Housewives” star was proposed to by her sweetie, hoops star Tony Parker, according to the upcoming issue of In Touch Weekly. The mag reports that she was presented with a four-plus-carat diamond ring, and is mulling the offer. . . .

I take it that this "Tony Parker" person plays for the Spurs? (Ha, ha, ha. I keed, I keed! Although I must admit that I had no idea who he was until he started wooing Ms. Longoria. I have it on very good authority that Tony and Eva like to chill at the TGIFriday's in San Antonio after games, which is kind of an odd place for two extremely wealthy and famous people to go, but I guess Tchotchkes and Flingers were too crowded.)

Anyway, Beto G. added that "maybe the fact that one of my team's players makes it to US Weekly regularly would be enough to entice [Terri R.] to MY team...Plus if she reads it here, it may be more exciting..."

Aww, shucks, Beto! Besides being extremely flattered, I am only too pleased to help young love blossom and grow in these trying times. Although I am not sure that a mention in this wee, humble blog is going to be enough to make Terri R. a Spurs fan, I wish you much good luck, you crazy kids--and that goes for Eva and Tony, too!

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

This Begs The Question: What Will Nicole Richie Do To Keep Up?

It doesn't seem humanly possible, but Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss are actually on a vacation together trying to lose weight. According to Critics and Monsters:
Super-skinny stars Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan are reportedly enjoying a weight loss weekend at an exclusive spa.

The pair, along with Kate's best friend, Jude Law's ex wife Sadie Frost, are said to have signed up for the special "cleansing package" at a health resort in Thailand.

The package starts with a three-day fast, which is followed by a strict diet of health food and exercise including pilates, t'ai chi classes and a tough training regime in the gym.

Meanwhile, Lindsay has quashed rumours she has an eating disorder and has blamed her fluctuating weight on puberty.

The sexy actress, who sparked concern last month after reportedly collapsing at her gym, also claims she started to lose the pounds after she turned 18 and decided to give up junk food.

She revealed: "I haven't been on a crash diet. I'm growing up and I just went through puberty a year ago - I'm 18 years old, give me a break."

Jesus. Give me a break, Ms. Lohan! If I recall correctly, when I went through puberty, I gained 10 pounds, sulked a lot, got a pimple or 100, and told my mother she "just didn't understand" on a daily basis--but I don't remember transforming overnight into a skanky, anorexic, overly-blonde, shake-n-bake, alien-look-alike 'ho. Although that just might be my faulty memory.

Seriously, though, what "extra" body weight can any of these people afford to lose? A kidney? White blood cells? I wonder if this so-called "spa" is really some kind of organ-harvesting center. There is simply no other explanation! Lindsay could maybe sell off her eyeballs and spleen (together that's probably 4 pounds or so) and Kate could, perhaps, lose a few inches by getting by on one lung (although she is a very heavy smoker, so maybe not). Sadie might be able to spare her uterus or an ovary, as she's got three hundred children already.

My only hope is that all three of these women gets caught trying to smuggle out heroin and are sent to some kind of "Brokedown Palace"/"Midnight Express" nightmarish Thai prison. A girl can dream, can't she?

Here's an "after photo" of one of the three dieting ladies:

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Bon appetit!

Clodfoot Monaco's Arrogance Knows No Bounds

Warning, John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley: You just got served by a tacky, soulless soap star with fake boobs! Ooooh, I bet you're just quivering with fear!

Yes, Friend of Felt Up Terri. R. just sent in this report from CNN in which graceless fool Kelly "Top-Heavy Talentless Slut" Monaco, whose bogus win on "Dancing With The Stars" was most likely rigged by her home network ABC, totally challenges O'Hurley to a dance-off:
Earlier Tuesday at the critics' meeting, ABC Entertainment President Stephen McPherson was grilled about Monaco's victory and viewer perceptions of possible ABC influence.

"Do I understand it? I guess I understand that people are going to have strong preferences. I love that people are so wrapped up in the show," he said.

He suggested the possibility of a "dance-off" between Monaco and O'Hurley. When a reporter asked Monaco about it later, she replied: "Bring it on. You want a dance-off, come on up here. I'll give you a dance-off."

Oh, no she didn't! Beyotch. God, how I hate her. I hate, hate, hate her!

The only thing I'm glad to see is that this important issue has leapt from the blogs to the pages of my beloved Star to the "legitimate" news media! Keep the pressure on, people! And if Monaco is crazy enough to throw down with O'Hurley in a dance-off, she better bring it, because O'Hurley will wipe the floor with her too-tan ass!

In other non-news, Sienna Miller has reportedly ended her relationship with Jude "Breakin' The" Law in the wake of Nannygate, according to WENN:
Heartbroken actress Sienna Miller has reportedly ended her eight-month engagement with Jude Law, telling the actor she never wants to see him again...

After taking off her engagement ring last week, Miller has apparently told Law there is no chance of a reconciliation, reports British newspaper The Sun.

A friend of the couple says, "Jude is desperate to see Sienna so they can talk things through - but she point-blank refuses to see him. She is too angry to forgive him. She's told him in on uncertain terms that she never wants to see him again."

Yesterday, Miller invited Law's All The King's Men co-star Sean Penn and his wife Robin Wright Penn to watch her perform in the London West End production of Shakespeare's As You Like It, before dining together at J Sheekey's fish restaurant.

Hmmm. Interesting. What does it mean that Sienna took Sean "Rhymes With Ron Lenn" Penn and his wife to dinner, after the rumors that she "hooked up" with "a married co-star" on the New Orleans set of "All The King's Men"? Frankly, I have no idea.

In the mean time, Page Six's lead story today accused Sienna of carrying a torch for an ex-boyfriend while she was with Jude:
While Jude Law was doing the nasty with the nanny, Sienna Miller...was making time with her ex, male model David Neville.

One topic they're said to have discussed was nude photos of Miller and Neville that vanished after a burglary at his London flat.

A friend of Neville tells us he and Miller stayed in constant contact while she was hot and heavy with Law. "She would text message David all the time," the pal notes, "saying things like, 'I'm on the beach with Jude but I'm heartbroken, I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you . . . This feels wrong.' "

Miller dated Neville, an "Adonis-like" former investment banker who now co-owns hipster clothing company Rag & Bone, for two years between 2001 and 2003, and they lived together in London's Notting Hill.

They broke up shortly after Miller met Law and she asked Neville to move out, but they stayed close. Last summer, Law reportedly blew up at Miller for continuing to cozy up to Neville in Law's absence.

We're also told Neville has a stash of nude shots of himself and Miller, and nude shots of her, some of which went missing when his London apartment was burgled a few months back. The photos are still at large.

"David was freaking out," our source says. "He had to call and tell Sienna about it. She was hysterical because her career was just taking off at that point, and he was worried about his image, as well"...

Regarding Neville, Miller once told an interviewer: "Our relationship lasted two years, but I'm quite resilient. I haven't allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I adore Dave, but I'm growing up and I need some space."

Yes, Sienna, dear, it's nice to hear that you didn't allow yourself to "wallow in self-pity," when you dumped your "Adonis-like" male model boyfriend for Jude Law. It must have been a really, really rough time! I'm starting to love that Naughty Nanny more and more every day!

The only picture I could find of this "Adonis" was a teeny-tiny thumbnail from a Sienna Miller fan page (apparently, she actually has fans!):

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The Post then wondered if Miller was messin' about with Orlando Bloom:
Meanwhile, Miller seems to be seeking solace in the arms of Bloom, another ex whom she dated briefly in 2001 before she took up with Neville.

They were photographed together at a polo tournament in England on Sunday, where one guest reportedly remarked to Miller, "Jude's a [bleep]." "I know," she responded.

I really can't keep up with all this. They're all shagging like fiends over there in jolly olde England. Is it the fear of terrorist bombings? Or just randy Brits running amok? Hard to say, hard to say...

In more personal Felt Up news, the public has demanded photos of my Corgi wearing his cone (which was funny at first, until I realized the non-stop crying, bumping into walls, and getting stuck in furniture for 10 days wasn't all that amusing), so here is one, courtesy of C.P.:

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Sigh...

He looks miserable, but at least he made it through his surgery with no problems and should be on his way to a full and happy life sin huevos (as Terri R. put it so succinctly).

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Antinyms

Boyfriend of Felt Up C.P. sent me a link to some crazy Howard Stern message board, where the jibber-jabber had, naturally, turned to the topic of "Blow Out"'s Jonathan "I Came Here To Do Perfect Hair or No Hair At All" Antin.

In case you have never seen "Blow Out," it is a Bravo reality show that follows the trials and tribulations of a narcissitic, aggressively heterosexual, egomaniac hairdresser named Jonathan as he opens a salon in Beverly Hills called "Jonathan" and launches a line of hair product called "Jonathan." Jonathan is prone to bursting into tears at things like hearing that his product has received a barcode; he allows the cameras to film him sobbing in his therapist's office; throws inferior test product against the wall in a fit of pique when it doesn't meet his exacting standards for hair gel; says "doing heads" instead of "cutting hair"; slams his fist into a wall when he gets mad at an equally-obnoxious graphic designer; charges $500 for a haircut and $5,000 to visit a client's home (no mention of whether or not this includes a "happy ending," by the way); pits his employees against one another and fires the only other straight/tattooed male hairdresser because he's a direct threat to Jonathan's faux studliness; and generally provides the best television this side of "Being Bobby Brown."

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Jonathan does a head. While looking at himself. As usual.

Anyhoo, Jonathan frequently mentions his beloved sister who runs a burlesque troupe (naturellement) called the "The Pussycat Dolls," but he rarely discusses the rest of his family. Well, lo and behold, one VegasSternFreak has provided some background information on Jonathan on the Stern Fan Network, under the enlightened heading "BLOW OUT star faggy hairdresser Jonathan Antin is a fraud - Silver Spoon in his mouth." Mr. SternFreak seems to be most concerned with Jonathan's "fagginess" and also with the fact that he didn't get where he is through old-fashioned hard work in the hairdressing salt mines:
I've seen this guy Jonathan before. Just couldn't put my finger on it.
I've seen that smug mug before....where though...where?

This faggy Jonathan Antin keeps crying on his Bravo TV show
about how hard it was to make it as a hairdresser. The truth is,
he has a whole family in show business with many connections.

His Dad was a Hollywood stuntman. His two older brothers were
both actors. One brother, Steve Antin, you've seen in The Last
American Virgin and Goonies. His sister created and
owns The Pussycat Dolls. The guy has had LOTS of help
getting his hit TV show and a product line onQVC. Silver Spoon!!

OK. I'm not even going to address your virulent and rather telling homophobia, Mr. SternFreak, but I would like to know exactly how you think that being the brother of the guy in "Last American Virgin" paved the way for Jonathan's fame and fortune? Do you think the doors to the corridors of power simply swung open the minute a young Jonathan presented his "I Am Steve Antin's Younger Brother" card? And I'm sorry, but it's a long, very winding, and possibly downhill road from being a stuntman's son to doing the hair of stars the caliber of Lisa Rinna. Lisa Rinna!

On the other hand, Jonathan is a major, major tool. And Mr. SternFreak helpfully provided a photo from "The Last American Virgin" to help jog everyone's memory:

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He also played the mean preppie jerk in "Goonies," but I haven't been able to find a picture of him in that role.

Call me weird, but I've always been intrigued by who is related to whom in Hollywood. And I collect obscure actors like other, healthier people collect baseball cards or stamps. Steve Antin seems to have made the leap from actor to screenwriter in recent years, and C.P. assures me that his movie "Inside Monkey Zetterland" is very good. I also noticed that Steve has followed in his dad's footsteps with an active career in stunts (two titles that leapt to the eye were "Swayze Dance," in which he performed "aerial stunt" dances for, I'm assuming, Swayze, which totally blows my mind, man, because all this time I was laboring under the mistaken impression that Patrick Swayze was a dancing machine, like the gullible fool I am!-- and something called "Curse of the Queerwolf" which is very intriguing indeed). He also takes after his sister in the dance department--he busted a move in "Breakin'," "Breakin' 2: Eletric Boogaloo," and performed uncredited "cabbage patch break dance stunts" in "Rappin'"--I kid you not! It's all right there on the IMDB!

Cabbage patch break dance stunts? Steve Antin, jack-of-all-trades and brother to a jackhole, I salute you!

Monday, July 25, 2005

The Way They Were

Friend of Felt Up Michele S., who is rapidly becoming quite the super-celebrity-spy, has passed along the following dossier about the Doomed Doherty/Moss Affair, from Ireland Online:
Supermodel Kate Moss has reportedly split from her fiance Pete Doherty after the troubled rocker was involved in a violent street brawl at the weekend.

Single mum Moss, 31, has ordered the self-confessed heroin addict to move out of her Oxfordshire, England mansion, following Doherty's fight in a north London street on Friday.

Doherty and musician pal Alan Wass fought with a group of Somali youths after they shouted "crackhead" at him, reports British newspapers The Sun and Daily Mirror.

Following the fight, Moss told Doherty in a tearful phonecall she was going to work in America and wanted him to leave her house by the time she returned.

According to friends of the beauty, Moss said: "I still love Pete but can't put up with his unpredictability anymore. I can't go on spending every day and night worrying about Pete. He would disappear without a word and I would not hear from him for several days."

Hmmmm. Can this break-up really be The End? They've done this before, after all. But how can Kate give up all the glamor? All the fabulous good times? All the hot, hot hott sexiness? Let's take another look at this hunka hunka burning love, shall we?

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Just feast your eyes on him! Yummy! I'm sure this won't be the last time I run this picture. They'll either get back together, or she'll decided to move on to a torrid affair with Tom Sizemore, or Pete will go into rehab to try and win her back...we'll just have to wait and see what kind of magic Ms. Moss conjures up beneath her Boho Chic sleeves!

Speaking of Bo-Hoes, there was another round of "not-so-blind" blind items in Page Six today. The most intriguing one was "just asking":
Which newly humiliated actress is not so innocent herself? We hear that while visiting her cheating man on a movie set, she hooked up with his married co-star during an all-night cocaine binge . . .

Wow, this one's a real head-scratcher, all right. "Newly humiliated?" Now, let me see....could it possibly be Kate's fellow fashion victim, Little Miss Perfect herself whose name rhymes with, uh, Rienna Killer?

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And "married co-star" in an "all-night cocaine binge?" I'm not pointing fingers, don't get me wrong...but wasn't a certain actor who is well-known for his ability to take a joke and whose name rhymes with, uh, Ron Lenn, working on "All The King's Men" with Jude "Breakin' The" Law in New Orleans while Nannygate was going on?

I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

In honor of the sad break-ups and betrayals and furry-vest-wearing going on in jolly olde England, I would like to present these words by a woman who has known her share of heartache and loss and bad fashion choices, Ms. Barbra Streisand, followed by a wee pictorial walk down memory lane. Take it away, Babs!

Memories light the corner of my mind.
Misty water color memories
Of the way we were.

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind,
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were.

Can it be that it was all so simple then,
Or has time rewritten every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again,
Tell me? would we? could we?

Memories may be beautiful and yet,
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget.

The Way They Were, 2005:

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FIN.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Conspiracy A Go-Go

OMG! Just got my new Star, and there's a big two-page spread on the "Dancing With the Stars" conspiracy--and juicy backstage gossip to boot! Hurrah!

The article claims that John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley and cloddish slut Kelly "Top-Heavy Dolt" Monaco "got off on the wrong foot early in the 12-week-long comptetition," and quotes an insider who says "if another dance team had beaten John and his partner, he probably wouldn't have squawked...there was no love lost between John and Kelly."

Oh, it gets even better. The source goes on to say that:
John's a nice, easy-going person, and Kelly's kind of high-strung...After one of Kelly's first dance routines, John took her aside and told her she seemed nervous, that she should relax and enjoy herself. Later that day, a producer came up and told Kellly basically the same thing--and she ended up accusing John of talking to the staf behind her back!

Kelly would also complain about how much time John spent in the makeup chair and she'd make jokes about his gray hair; she told one stylist that John couls use a shot of Grecian Formula! John tried to take the high road, but sometimes he'd be like, "Who does she think she is!"

Who indeed? I just knew she was a total beyotch, it's written all over beady-eyed vacuous face! Her whole demeanor said "I think I am the sh*t." Well, I beg to differ, Miss Thing. I beg to differ!

O'Hurley's charge that there was "an agenda" behind whorish clubfoot Monaco's win "may not have been that far off base," according to Star's spies. One ABC source points out the obvious, that "Kelly is a star on the ABC soap 'General Hospital,' so there's certainly a benefit to raisng her profile."

The article quotes Louis van Amstel, the dance pro who was unfortunate enough to be saddled with irritating reality prude Trista Sutter, as saying that "it's a popularity contest. If you have a million ['General Hospital'} fans watching the program, you've got a head start. We pros know that John was the better dancer."

Aha! Then they asked O'Hurley's dance partner Charlotte Jorgensen if she thought the show was rigged. She replied: "Who knows? It's difficult to say. I'm happy this is causing controversy--that must mean that John and I put something out there that people thought deserved better."

Oh, you deserved better, milady! You deserved to win and wipe that smirk off smug Monaco's pinched hateful face!

The photo captions accompnaying the article are awesome. Under charming O'Hurley's it says "Sadly Second." Under talentless beyotch Monaco's, it says "The winner? Some wonder!"

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John and Charlotte. As Star put it so eloquently, they "made a smashingly classy impression on the show."

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Star proclaims that taste-free Kelly Monaco's win "sparked controversy." I'll say!

I feel so vindicated. Like the Karl Rove scandal, this outrage is something the press needs to dig their teeth into and bring to the forefront of national debate!

Friday, July 22, 2005

My Kind of Poll!

Sorry, folks, but urgent business call me away from my blogging duties.

However, I am not so remiss that I would let this delightful little tidbit go unmentioned. Friend of Felt Up Richard M. sent in the results of a TV Guide poll of "Wildest Celebrity Meltdowns" via WENN. Now, that's the kind of non-news we can really use! Huzzahs to TV Guide!
Tom Cruise's sofa-hopping antics on pal Oprah Winfrey's talk show have topped a new US poll to find the Wildest Celebrity Meltdowns.

Cruise's outward show of devotion for new love Katie Holmes in May beat crazy antics by Michael Jackson, Courtney Love, Farrah Fawcett and Mariah Carey to top the TV Guide poll.

The top five meltdown moments are: 1. Tom Cruise loses control on Oprah; 2. Michael Jackson dangles baby 'Blanket' from a hotel balcony in Berlin, Germany; 3. Farrah Fawcett spaces out on David Letterman's The Late Show; 4. Mariah Carey's breakdown on MTV; 5. Whitney Houston's "crack is whack" speech during a 2002 TV chat with Diane Sawyer.

Hmmmm. I don't know if Whitney's "crack is whack" comment really consitutes a meltdown, per se; now that we've seen what her life is like on "Being Bobby Brown," I think it's safe to say that that she was just being her normal, regular, everyday, craaaaaaaaaaazy, drugged-out self. But I may just be quibbling. I am quite the stickler when it comes to celebrity meltdown standards...

Which is why I still hold up Mariah's striptease on "TRL" (and the accompanying hospitalization for "exhaustion") as the Greatest Celebrity Meltdown of All Time. There she was--live!--taking of her clothes, babbling nonsense, making Carson Daily very nervous and uncomfortable, passing out ice cream (!), and just generally creating never-to-be-seen-again-in-our-lifetime televisual gold. Kudos, milady! And please, I beg you with all my heart: Encore! Encore!

On the other hand, if people want to further demonize Tom Cruise by making his "Oprah" antics #1, well, I'm all for it. He scares the crap out of me!

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(via Defamer)

Poor Courtney Love. First she faints at a party in Hollywood this week, and now she doesn't even make the top five meltdown list. Poor thing. Maybe next year!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Karl Puts the "Nut" in Nutella

I received my beloved Popbitch gossip update from jolly olde England today, and it contained two particularly ridiculous tidbits.

The first one concerns everyone's favorite fattie-hating, Nicole Kidman-bashing fashionista, Karl Lagerfeld:
Karl Lagerfeld works hard to maintain his super-skinny dieted body. He was spotted at his office recently, sitting at his desk, pulling out a jar of Nutella and spoon from a drawer.

Karl then took a huge spoonful, swished it round his mouth for a while...then spat the chocolate spread back into the jar, which he then locked back into the drawer.

Wow. Imagine that! An eccentric German with extremist views, rigid self-discipline, and repugnant eating habits! What are the odds? Karl so krazy! The more I find out about his insanity, the more I think I love him...

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Then Popbitch asks the question on a nation's lips:
Which pretentious LA white-trash art-house actor/director, and wannabe musician, is handing out White Supremacist literature and bumper stickers, decoratively designed in red white and blue, which say, "WORK, IT'S A WHITE THING"?

This "blind item" is, I admit, rather hard to figure out. My first thought, of course, was Vincent Gallo--he's certainly a pretentious art-house actor/director and wannabe musician. Plus, you know, completely deranged.

But is Vincent Gallo, in fact, "white trash?" Isn't he more, shall we say, rifiuti Italiani? And isn't he a New Yorker (where he owns an expensive Richard Meier-designed apartment, the price of which I've never been able to understand how he affords on his "modeling," "music," and "movie" income), rather than an L.A. guy? Of course, the Brits are constantly getting their American geography mixed up, so...I don't know.

Then again, are there any art-house directors/actors who aren't white trash pretentious wannabe musicians?

Anyone got any ideas? Leave a comment with your guesses!

Whoever he is, remind me to give him a super-deluxe, limited edition Felt Up red-white-and-blue "RACISM, IT'S AN ASSHOLE THING" sticker.

Best Headline Ever

From good ole WENN comes a totally awesome headline that really speaks to me, somehow, in its elegant simplicity:

"Madonna Snubs America"

The story that accompanies this headline--something about Madge describing herself as a "cheeky" American who adores her "simple life" at a ginormous English estate--contains nothing noteworthy. But the headline! Oh, that headline is just priceless! No hard feelings, Mrs. Ritchie. We aren't that crazy about you either since you went all boring and mumsy on us...

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Madonna teaches the children about Kabbalah, her new book, and snubbing America.

By the way, have you seen her Vogue cover? She is completely unrecognizable through all the air-brushing:

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Serioulsy, is it Julia Stiles? That actress from "Traffic," Erika Christensen, whom I always get mixed up with Julia Stiles? Who's that girl, indeed! And the gall of using this picture for the "Age" issue. It should be the "Photoshop" issue, for God's sake! Look at her!

Over at Page Six, their main report today is all about the shocking revelation that the international celebrity press--who have the really hard job of interviewing movie stars during their publicity "junkets" to promote newly-released films--often don't personally like the subjects that, in print, they must fawn over. Page Six gleefully presents two of these veteran junketeers' "warts-and-all impressions of Hollywood A-listers":
* Tom Cruise has only two ways of expressing himself: He either wields a "dead-serious expression," like Ben Stiller's "Blue Steel" stare in "Zoolander," or he just "laughs and laughs inexplicably," flashing his million-dollar choppers. "It's disturbing. You don't know what he's laughing about."

* Brad Pitt, up close, lives up to his last name. "He has pockmarks the size of the La Brea Tar Pits and his teeth are yellow and cigarette-stained."

* Jennifer Lopez is "gorgeous, but totally business-like, terrible. There was nothing real about it." Says one journo, "I was the only one who dared ask her something about Marc Anthony. She responded with a non-answer, but her Miramax publicist muscled me after it. I said, 'See you later,' and the publicist said, 'I doubt it.' "

* When he doesn't like a question, the Dalai Lama-loving Richard Gere has perfected "the silent treatment."

Additionally, the Brazilian celebrity magazine Contigo excavated these junketeers' comments about other stars:

* Harrison Ford "proves why his bad temper is so well-known," says one writer. "When I mentioned the word 'charisma,' and asked him why he's so in demand to play heroes on screen, he cut me off, saying, 'If you want to talk about charisma, go find Ricky Martin.' I was speechless after that."

* Catherine Zeta-Jones is "astonishingly beautiful, no arguing that. But intellectually, she's weak. When she doesn't understand a question, which isn't rare, she tries to make up anything by way of a response. The worst part is when she makes jokes, she's the only one who laughs. A total embarrassment."

* Andy Garcia is "a great disappointment. I thought he would be charming and interesting. But at the 'Ocean's Eleven' junket, I met a plain man in an ugly jacket who was fat and slung into a chair."

Soooooo. To sum up: Tom Cruise is nutty. Brad Pitt has bad skin and teeth. Richard Gere can be a dick, as can Harrison Ford. Catherine Zeta-Jones is pretty but dumb, and Andy Garcia is a fattie with poor fashion sense.

Nothing I didn't know or supsect already, although I guess that's the first time anyone has ever cast aspersions on Brad Pitt's attractiveness. Personally, I find him a bit on the monkeyish side...

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...but maybe I'm crazy. Don't get me wrong, I like Brad Pitt as an actor, I just don't see what the big deal is about his supposedly "perfect" looks. He's a pretty boy who looks like a monkey! Can't anyone see it but me?

Anyway, these "junketeers" sound like jerks. Feh.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

It Wasn't the Wright Thing To Do

Just when you think there might actually be 12 hours without further news of Jude Law's Naughty Nannygate comes this scintillating report from the NY Daily News:
Jude Law is still begging fiancée Sienna Miller for forgiveness after admitting his affair with his kids' nanny. But it's not going well.

It didn't help that someone claimed yesterday that the 32-year-old "Alfie" star once invited 26-year-old child-minder Daisy Wright to join him in a three-way.

"[Jude] made the offer out of the blue while they were in America," a source told Britain's Sun.

The source claimed Wright, "a respectable young girl," told Law "'no' in no uncertain terms."

Meanwhile, "Jude's been leaving Sienna, like, a million missed calls on her mobile and she hasn't picked up once," a friend told Us Weekly.

GOD I wished I lived in the U.K. right now so I could read the daily screaming, hysterical tabloid headlines! I can see them now: "NANNY LAID DOWN THE LAW FOR 3-WAY KINKFEST," or "JUDE'S NANNY IN 3-WAY SHOCKER," or maybe "JUDE'S UNNATURAL LAWS!"

Sigh...

A three-way is one thing to the Brits...but a three-way with a Yank? How dreadful! No "respectable young girl" in the midst of a torrid affair with her engaged boss (not to mention the father of her young charges) would ever be caught dead doing anything so ghastly...

My God, poor Sienna must be incandescent with anger!

He's Dead, Jim

Sad news today that James Doohan, who played "Scotty" on "Star Trek" has died. From CNN:
James Doohan, the burly chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in the original "Star Trek" TV series and motion pictures who responded to the apocryphal command "Beam me up, Scotty," died early Wednesday. He was 85.

Doohan died at 5:30 a.m. at his Redmond, Washington, home with his wife of 28 years, Wende, at his side, Los Angeles agent and longtime friend Steve Stevens said. The cause of death was pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease, he said.

C.P. and I watched "Trekkies 2" just the other night!

To read the whole obituary, which is pretty intetesting and mentions that Doohan hated William Shatner's guts, go here.

Sincerest condolensces to my nerd bretheren around the world.

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Sienna Takes To Her Bed; Pacino Takes To Rose McGowan

Word from across the pond is that Sienna Miller, cuckolded fiancee of randy, mumsy-lovin' Jude Law, is taking a leave from her role in "As You Like It" so--I can only assume--she can sob bitter tears into her pillow, throw mobile phones at her cowering assistants, and generally fall to pieces:
Heartbroken actress Sienna Miller is taking time out from her run in London's West End, following her fiance Jude Law's confessed to cheated on her with his children's nanny.

The "Alfie" beauty courageously appeared on stage at the Wyndham's Theatre's production of As You Like It on Monday night, giving a sterling performance as Celia - but she broke down in tears at the end of the show when audience members showed their support for her.

A notice outside the theatre yesterday informed ticket holders that Miller would be replaced by her understudy Denise Gough, and the show's producers have no idea when she will return.

Director David Lan explains Miller's break from performing, "One of the reasons is that she's had rather a rough time with her private life being under such scrutiny."
... A friend tells British newspaper the Daily Mirror, "She can't face the world. The full implications of Jude's betrayal have now hit home. She's in bits. It's like there's been a death in the family."

Oh, for God's sake, Sienna! It's not like it's the end of the world! You still have your fabulous talent and fashion sense to fall back on and--oh, wait. Yeah. I see what you mean. Never mind!

Anyhoo, you really musn't fall apart. Take a tip from Jude's craaaazy ex-wife Sadie Frost and start sticking needles into your own "Naughty Nanny" Voodoo Doll or something! Put a curse on her! Start a very expensive cheeky underpants line with your name on it! Or, best of all, find someone who looks like a much younger version of Jude and shag his brains out! Just close your eyes and think of Daisy. Sometimes two Wrights make a Wrong!

In the mean time, Sienna's "mum" has finally broken her silence (oh, how we have waited anxiously for this moment! ok, not really). According to Sky News:
Sienna Miller's mum says she doesn't know if her daughter will take back cheating fiance Jude Law.

The American-born actress has been spotted without her £20,000 engagement ring on as shamed Jude desperately tries to woo her back after the affair with his children's nanny.

And Josephine Miller has revealed that Sienna has been "too angry" to cry since the story broke...

Grim-faced Sienna had arrived at the Wyndhams Theatre without her sparkler. She is said to be "incandescent with anger" over Jude's fling with Daisy Wright.

Ex-model Josephine said: "It is anger and betrayal.

"Not in a million years would we have suspected that he would have done that.

"I can't comment on whether they will stay together. The least said the quicker it might be mended.

Wow. "Icandescent with anger," I'll have to remember that one. It's like her mum is saying "she's even more gorgeous when enraged." Well-played, Sienna's mum. Well-played! (As opposed to my mom, who might say something along the lines of, "She's never looked worse. She's got snot coming down her face, her eyes are red and puffy, and she can't stop shoveling huge hunks of Cherry Garcia ice cream down her gullet with her bare hands.") Maybe I can use this description myself some time: "I'm sorry Cingular, but this outrageous cell phone bill you sent me has made me incandescent with anger! I am so mad that I am actually getting prettier with every passing second! I am so pissed off that I have become the most beautiful woman in the world! Now good day, Sir. I said good day!"

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Sienna and her mum. Note that incandescent anger! HOTT!

On this side of the Atlantic, it has really turned into the dog days of summer. It is sticky, uncomfortable, and gross--much like doing it with the star of "Dog Day Afternoon, " Al Pacino! How's that for a nice transition, eh?

What am I babbling about? Well, according to Page Six, Rose "Worst Taste In Men EVER" McGowan is having a torrid affair with the Great Scenerey Chewer himself:
HOO-ha! Al Pacino, 65, is said to be romancing "Charmed" actress Rose McGowan, 31.

A spy tells Us Weekly that McGowan, whose first date with Pacino was at Mortons in L.A., "thought he was too old for her at first, but . . . Al won her over."

Pacino is no stranger to beguiling much-younger Hollywood hotties. A few weeks ago, he went on a date with newly single former supermodel Elle Macpherson and reportedly hooked up with Winona Ryder several years ago.

Wow. I just read a ginormous puff piece about Elle Macpherson in my latest edition of Vanity Fair, and it was all about her perfect body, perfect children, perfect skin, and perfect marriage! Huh. It's enough to make me slightly suspicious of the Hollywood p.r. machine! I never thought I'd see the day!

Anyway, w.t.f.? How does Al do it? I thought he was kinda cute when he was chubby Michael Corleone in the first "Godfather," but he quickly morphed into a skinny dude, then into a shrieking skinny dude, and eventually into a very old shrieking skinny dude with obviously dyed hair. He really, really creeps me out these days.

And Winona Ryder? My God, woman! Is there any member of the cast or crew of "Donnie Brasco" that you haven't shtupped?

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Is this, like your kleptomania, a cry for help, Winona?

(By the way, check out Johnny Depp's hair in this poster. Did they color it in with crayons or what? Is the French movie poster industry out to get Johnny for some reason? I thought they loved him over there! Curiouser and curiouser...)

I Think I'm Going To O'Hurl!

An anonymous tipster just informed me (via my super-secret "Comments" spy network!) that John "The Man Ripped Off By ABC And That Whore Kelly Monaco" O'Hurley has parlayed his (cruel and unfair) second place win on "Dancing With The Stars" into his own reality series! Yippee!

My source helpfully provided this link to a Reality Blurred story on O'Hurley, which includes a denial that the show was rigged from the show's producer:
Going into the final episode of "Dancing with the Stars," John O’Hurley had no chance. The Chicago Tribune’s Maureen Ryan talked to the show’s executive producer. Conrad Green says, “Even if she got quite a low score, she would have won” because, as Ryan reports, “audience voting in the week preceding the July 6 finale” was extremely strong.

She also reports that “Green categorically denies that producers had any input into the final scores the three judges gave Monaco and Mazo. And none of the trio knew how their fellow judges were going to rate the routine.” Green says, “I think if they had known they were giving three 10s, they would have considered it differently.”

HA! What a joke! Do you really expect me to believe, Mr. Conrad Green--if that is your real name--that that oafish dolt Kelly Monaco was so popular with the American people that her victory was a foregone conclusion? How dumb do you think I am? I know that a lot of people like "their stories," and many of them are, indeed, rabid fans of her show "General Hospital," but come on! Do you think that I was born yesterday? That I am unaware of what really goes on? What are you going to tell me next? That Lee Harvey Oswald was definitely a lone gunman? That there aren't aliens being kept on ice in Roswell, New Mexico? That flouridation of drinking water is not a Communist plot to control our minds? That the radio signals I hear every day in my head are not coming from the galactic overlords of Planet Gamma X? I suppose you have a bridge to sell me, too, sir! But I won't fall for your tricks and schemes!

Unless of course you are considering greenlighting this:
John O’Hurley has landed his own reality series. The show has yet to be pitched to networks, but GRB Entertainment has agreed to produce a series that “will explore his everyday life, including his role as a partner in the real-life J. Peterman Co.,” Variety reports.

The new series’ executive producer, Brant Pinvidic, says, “We’re going to do an unscripted comedy playing on John’s improv skills. Everybody who watched ‘Dancing’ could see he’s a really genuinely funny person. We want to give him a chance to use those skills.”

You know, Mr. Green, it's funny. The other day I was at a thrift store and I noticed a dress that had a "Made For J. Peterman, Co." label and I was certain that the evil radio waves were messing with my mind again-- but lo and behold, here I read that J. Peterman is a real-life company now, and John O'Hurley works there! I feel so much better! I still get these weird headaches, though. And I hear a few voice, every now and then...but that's neither here nor there.

And to think: We might actually get to enjoy hours and hours of that lovable, charming raconteur John O'Hurley without the distracting presence of a despicable, talentless, cheating slut like Kelly Monaco. Yay!

If you really want to make things right with me, the general public, and your God, Mr. Green, you should force ABC to order up a bunch of episodes of this new show immediately! And then make them fire that sillicone clod Kelly from "General Hospital!" It's the only way to save your soul!

Besides, with a comic genius like O'Hurley onboard, what could possibly go wrong?

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

All Is Not "Lost"...Or Is It?

The WOW Report has this link to the David LaChapelle-directed promo for what was supposed to be the UK showing of "Lost," which apparently is not going to happen after all, as for some reason the BBC decided not to air the series.

But at least it's something! As it's a LaChapelle Production, the clip is all fashion-y and artsy and whatnot--the hobbit does some hip-hop dancing--which is either good or bad, depending on your taste. Whatever! It is like so much catnip for all those poor, pathetic souls out there who want nothing more than to devour any teensy-tiny shred of "Lost"-related ephemera...like ME. Yes, that's right, my name is Jennifer and I'm addicted to a show about extremely back-storied plane-crash survivors on a spooky island inhabited by a Sasquatch! I'm obsessed with this show!

"Lost" re-runs, "Queer As Folk" dvds from Netflix, "Being Bobby Brown," and "Blow Out" are all that's getting me through this long, hot, humid summer in central Texas, man. I'm not kidding! Maybe a "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" episode or two. Oh, and "Rock Star."

And friends, family, C.P., and my beloved Corgi, Bugsy, of course. That goes without saying.

Think good thoughts for him, by the way. Bugsy is going in for The Big Snip this week. He'll have the meat, but no veg. The twig, but no berries. His frank, without the beans. He's not all that psyched about it, to be honest. He tells me, "I am fine the way God made me, lady!" and I have to say, "Bugsy, my good man, you have an enlarged prostate. It is out of my hands." And then he looks at me like this:

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Sigh...

Hey, Jude

Well, the news is comin' out so fast-n-furious from the Jude Law/Sienna Miller/Naughty Nanny front that I can barely keep up!

The BBC is reporting that Sienna was seen in public not wearing her engagement ring! Shock! Gasp! Horror!

And the pale British public is behind her all the way:
Actress Sienna Miller has made a tearful return to the stage after her fiance, actor Jude Law, made a public apology for having an affair.

Miller, currently appearing in As You Like It in London's West End, arrived at Wyndham's Theatre and was not wearing her engagement ring.

The 23-year-old cried as she exited the stage after a standing ovation.

There's even a photo of a ringless Sienna! Looky here:

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Sienna carries on with a stiff, if very hungry, upper lip. (via WOW Report)

Although after looking carefully at those rather frighteningly bony hands, it is entirely possible the damn thing just fell off her skinny claw. I'm just sayin'.

Also, check out the size of her head in relation to her stick of a body! She's like a bobble-head doll come to semi-life!

Oooh, what's next, Sienna and Jude? What will be coming NEXT?

Taking The Law Into Her Own Hands

Oh, those nutty British tabloids! So silly with their punny headlines!

Like this gem from the Daily Mirror:

"RUDE LAW"

Giggle, giggle! Hee-hee! I mean, seriously: Who uses puns in their headlines these days? How dumb! Ha ha ha.

So, what say you, Daily Mirror, about this incident? Us crass, celeb-obsessed Yanks yearn to hear your utlra-classy take on this debacle, so lay it on us!
ACTRESS Sienna Miller exploded with rage after fiance Jude Law's affair with his children's nanny was exposed.

Sienna told friends she and 32-year-old Jude had had a series of furious rows.

Shattered Sienna, 24, told one pal that she felt betrayed by the star and that she hated him at the moment.

Then she branded him a "bloody disgrace".

Jude is battling to save their relationship, but friends fear it will not survive.

The nanny, Daisy Wright, 26, kept a diary of their affair earlier this year.

Jude is thought to have been making arrangements to meet her again this week when his treachery was exposed.

Our sister paper the Sunday Mirror revealed how Daisy was sacked after one of Jude's children told their mum Sadie Frost - his former wife - they had found their dad in bed with the nanny. Jude seduced Daisy in New Orleans in March and the nanny was first questioned about their month-long affair by Sadie's PA in June. Daisy denied it to Sadie in a call.

But she was soon told she was no longer needed as Sadie had decided someone older should take over, following a misunderstanding about weekend arrangements.

Daisy was employed last August to look after Rafferty, eight, Iris, four, and two-year-old Rudy. She claimed her affair with Jude began the day after she arrived with one of his children in America, where he was filming the movie All The King's Men. Sienna had just flown back to Britain after visiting him. Daisy's diary of the affair included details of sex on a pool table - just like a scene from Jude's film Alfie.

Jude first seduced Daisy when they returned to his house in New Orleans after a concert.

In her diary, she wrote how Jude asked her to visit him in bed if she "felt lonely". She added: "We kissed and kissed for what seemed like ages. I was thinking 'I cannot believe this. Jude Law is snogging me'.

"The next thing I know, we are dragging each other upstairs to his bedroom, kissing and then, in the bedroom, ripping off each other's clothes."

At dawn one of Jude's children caught the couple in bed.

Repeated efforts to contact a spokesman for Jude went unanswered yesterday.

Wow! They did it on the pool table? It's like something straight out of "Alfie!" Oh, right, right, they mentioned that that actually was a scene in "Alfie." Does Jude use his own movies as sex fantasy fodder? What's it all about, Alfie? Maybe he really just wants to have sex with himself, figuratively speaking. Obviously he can have literal sex with himself whenever he wants....oh, you know what I mean. Don't you?

At any rate, at least the article answers one of the burning questions about this situation: The nationalilty of the nanny, which has been hard to figure out until now (was she from New Orleans? France? England? Whoreland?) but I guess if she wrote "I can't believe Jude Law is snogging me" that definitely make her a Brit. Also the fact that she apparently lives in the U.K.

Of course, what everyone really wants is a photo of the Naughty Nanny, and the Daily Mirror doesn't disappoint. Here she is!

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Daisy Wright, in the flesh!

She's kind of got that slutty milkmaiden thing goin' on. Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder if this was an affair of opportunity, or if Jude is a serial cheater and/or sex addict, or if he simply finds Sienna's "Boho Chic" look as ridiculous as I do. The woman wears floppy hats and furry boots, people, and yet is somehow regularly hailed as a Best-Dressed Woman! (My theory is that people think, "Hey, this bohemian crap attacted Jude Law, so it must be good!" But apparently he goes for the older nutty actress look (Sadie Frost) and the slutty milk-fed/milk-giver look (Daisy Wright) as well, so now what, o fashion arbiters? Answer me that!)

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Sienna in full craptastic faux Boho effect. Friend of Felt Up Terri R told me on our daily promenade yesterday that she thinks Kate Moss did it first and still does it better (although she hasn't been photographed too much since the Doomed Moss/Doherty Affair went into overdrive). How wise Terri R. is, how very wise indeed.

What fresh news of Sienna and Jude's tattered romance awaits us? As Jeff Lebowski would say, this case has a lot of ins, a lot of outs. (And a lot of the ole in-n-out! Ba dum dum! Thank-you! Tip your bartender, ladies and germs!) Will she get over this "bloody disgrace?" Will she and Jude continue to have "furious rows?" Or will they kiss and make up? Will Jude buy her the patented ultra-expensive Kobe Bryant "Apology" ring for his special lady? Perhaps whisk her away for a quickie wedding somewhere exotique and possibly not legally-binding, a la Mick Jagger and Jack White?

Only time, and the British tabloids, will tell...

Monday, July 18, 2005

Chrissy Made It To The Gay White Way!

Why do I read the New York Times? Well, mixed in with all that drab, depressing Real News, there is often important information about something going on that otherwise I might not know about. For instance, I was not aware that Ms. Suzanne Somers was currently starring in her own one-woman autobiographical Broadway musical, "The Blonde in the Thuderbird." Yowza!

The title refers to Suzanne's role in "American Grafitti," in which she played a mysterious blonde "goddess" in a convertible Thunderbird who entrances a very young, Madras-shirt-wearing, pre-cokehead Richard Dreyfuss.

So how good is her play? The Times reviewer, Charles Isherwood, does not mince words:
Something is desperately needed...to dress up "The Blonde in the Thunderbird," a drab and embarrassing display of emotional exhibitionism masquerading as entertainment. Attired in a cruelly clingy black tights-and-tunic ensemble, Ms. Somers re-enacts or describes triumphs and traumas from her personal and professional life for a grinding 95 minutes, on a stage adorned only by a pair of video screens, an armchair, a prop phone and a coat rack...

Devoted fans may savor this no-frills, quasi-intimate audience with a favorite celebrity and professional dispenser of uplifting advice, but others may find their attention wandering to the coat rack. And resting there.

Ouch! All that Thighmastering and dieting and her outfit is "cruelly clingy?" Well, what about the musical numbers? I bet Suzanne's a real firecracker!
Some of Ms. Somers's recollections are, regrettably, set to music. A performance of Frank Loesser's "Take Back Your Mink" is spliced into a recitation of a particularly violent encounter with her father. I'm not sure why. The show's writer-directors, Mitzie and Ken Welch, have also provided dreadful new lyrics for some old standards. Dorothy Fields and Jerome Kern's "Pick Yourself Up" is now a song about bouncing checks and seeking solace in shopping. Unfortunately, Ms. Somers's singing voice is thin and often toneless, and the clanging piano chords underscoring the more anguished moments in her history, usually accented by a dramatic clutch at expensively highlighted hair, are giggle-inducing.

So let's see: She looks bad, can't sing, and the most dramatic moments are "giggle-inducing." Well, I guess that settles it.

Broadway, here I come! Sign me up for front-row seats! I'm comin' Suzanne, just don't get cancelled before I get there!

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Huzzah!

Never Mind The Bullocks

So how was your weekend? Yeah, me too; saw "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory," which wasn't bad, but didn't knock my socks off, either, except for the awesome squirrel scene. Why was I the only person in the theater to laugh out loud at the line "Don't touch that squirrel's nuts"? Some things shall always be a mystery...

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Such as: What Sandra Bullock sees in twice-divorced reality tv "bad boy" Jesse James, whom she wedded in holy, sacred matrimony on Saturday.

According to WENN:
Several hundred guests including Jamie Lee Curtis, William Shatner and Regina King attended the ceremony held at a rented Californian ranch near Santa Barbara, according the Us TV show Entertainment Tonight and People magazine.

Bullock and James, who hosts "Monster Garage" on the Discovery Channel, arrived in a red monster truck, while many guests were unaware they were attending a wedding until the last minute - they were told it was a party to celebrate Bullock's 41st birthday. James presented his new wife with a vintage ring made by Neil Lane while Bullock made her husband a unique steel band.

Awww, that's sweet--she invited Shatner to her wedding! I kind of like the "arriving in a red monster truck" bit, I have to admit. Jesse James' second ex-wife was a porn star, by the way. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

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"SATURDAY...SATURDAY...SATURDAY! Sandra "Big Sandy" Bullock..Bullock..BULLOCK takes on Jesse "Yes, I'm Related" James...James...JAMES at the Santa Barbara Speedway's MONSTER TRUCK NUPTIALS OF THE YEAR...YEAR...YEAR...SEE the beautiful bride as she enters from the mud pit...mud pit...mud pit...wearing Vera Wang...WANG ...WANG....That's SATURDAY...SATURDAY...SATURDAY!"

WENN also has this totally awesome report about Jude Law's recent affair behind fiancee Sienna Miller's back--and he cheated on her with the nanny, wheeeeee!
The British nanny who claims she enjoyed an affair with heart-throb actor Jude Law insists the "Alfie" star phoned her last week in a bid to rekindle their romance.

Law, who is engaged to screen beauty Sienna Miller, allegedly seduced 26-year-old Daisy Wright while he was filming movie "All The King's Men" in America earlier this year.

Wright insists she enjoyed a month-long fling with the 32-year-old until she was sacked by Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost, after one of their children spoke out about catching the clandestine lovers in bed.

She alleges Law called her last week in a bid to rekindle their steamy relationship - but Wright still felt hurt by her dismissal from the job she loved and turned down his advances.

Wright tells British newspaper The Sun, "Jude really swept me off my feet. I fell for him. Now I realize he was just using me for sex. I was really shocked when he phoned me last Thursday and said he wanted to see me again. I told him I thought it was unfair that I had ended up losing my job over it. He said Sadie was in charge of childcare arrangements...He was begging to see me again. He said he desperately needed to show me that our relationship wasn't just about sex. But how could I trust him again after he cast me aside so easily before."

Wow. Sadie Frost is either a really devoted mother, or is even crazier than I thought! When your younger, more famous (than you) ex-husband is cheating with the nanny behind the back of his younger, more famous (than you) fiancee, you don't fire the nanny, you nutty nutball! You give her a big fat raise, buy her a French maid's outfit and a Wonderbra, and tell your kids not to interrupt Daddy when he's having private "discussions" with Nanny! Then you buy a Nannycam and send the tapes to Sienna! Then you mutter evil incantations and cackle darkly as you stick pins into your Sienna Miller Voodoo Doll. Hello! Earth to Sadie! Any idiot knows that.

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Well, it doesn't matter anymore, since the cat is out of the bag. Jude has now apologized to his fiancee and to us, the general public, according to the BBC. Sadly, he did not break into an a capella version of "If Loving You Is Right, I Don't Want To Be Wrong" (or should I say, "If Loving You Is Wright"?):
Actor Jude Law has expressed "sincere regret" over an affair with nanny Daisy Wright as he made a public apology to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller.

Law issued a statement after reports of his affair with Ms Wright, 26, who cared for one of his three children.

"I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us," said Law, 32.

"There is no defence for my actions which I sincerely regret." He and actress Miller became engaged in 2004.

Friends said Law and Miller were "working through" their problems following Law's admission.

Law, who starred in "Alfie" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow," was filming in New Orleans when the affair with Ms Wright began, it has been reported.

Ms Wright was employed to look after one of Law's children with his ex-wife Sadie Frost as he filmed his new picture, "All The King's Men," earlier this year.

Poor Sienna. She went from being a starstruck teenager with Jude Law pictures on her bedroom walls to living out her fantasies in a creepy whirlwind romance with her idol; from semi-fame, semi-fortune and a tepid marriage proposal to...this. Daisy Wright really laid down the Law, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. Ha ha ha! I don't really like Sienna Miller that much. She bores me to tears. And now it seems I'm not the only one who finds her dull, eh?

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I believe it was Mr. Paul Simon who once sang:
"Wasn't in the Wright place, At the Wright time..."

God, I just love it when someone's name lends itself to endless punny jokes, don't you? I mean, everyone loves puns, right?

I mean, Wright?

Hello? Hello? Is this mic on? (tap, tap) I'm here all week. Try the veal!

Friday, July 15, 2005

Color Me Shocked. SHOCKED, I say!

Friend of Felt Up and super-sleuth Michele S. just sent in this hot tip from English music magazine NME. Hold onto your seats, folks, 'cause this one is a real shocker!
BABYSHAMBLES have postponed their summer tour.

The band were due to undertake a jaunt round the country to promote forthcoming single ’Fu*k Forever’, however this afternoon the promoter informed agents that the tour was postponed.

A spokesperson for the band said the reason is so the band can complete their debut album.

The dates will be rescheduled as soon as possible.

Yes, I know, you may need time to digest this information. Take a moment.

Try to believe it: The band fronted by Pete Doherty, who--according to Popbitch--most recently shocked onlookers by openly doing crack backstage at Live 8 after stumbling--or should I say, shambling--his way through T. Rex's "Children of the Revolution" with Sir Elton John, has postponed an upcoming tour so they can complete their album. And of course in Cockney rhyming slang, "complete their album" means "let Pete go through yet another stint at rehab." At least that's what I think it means. They kind of slurred their words a bit and I had to have subtitles to watch "Snatch," so I'm not exactly sure. But, you know, it's an approximate translation, wot, wot!

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Just say no.

(And, yes, I have used this picture of Pete before, thanks for noticing, and I will continue to do so until a better one comes along, which I doubt will ever happen, so just get used to it!)

You Can't Tame The The Butterscotch Stallion

The article that accompanies the Rolling Stone cover featuring "Wedding Crashers" stars Vince "Puffy" Vaughn and Owen "Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson has this interesting peak into the mind of the "B.S.":
He is, he says, primarily an ass man. "It seems to me if a girl has a good ass, she has a good body," he's saying, "but I'd almost just as soon not have sex if you're going to have to wear one of those, even though it's hard to find the moral high ground when making that argument to a girl. Anyway, there are other ways."

As it turns out, this overall general attitude of his recently made the news, in a half-blind item in the New York Post, as follows: "Which blond stud, nicknamed the 'Butterscotch Stallion,' has a perverse sexual bent? He recently picked up a girl at a wedding [!], and the two went back to his hotel room. When the woman asked if he had a condom, the actor replied, 'I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want to do something else' -- and proceeded to lick her buttocks for 'over two hours.' "

OK, so Wilson's real interest in butts is allegedly as objects to be licked. It's nothing to be ashamed of, really, and Wilson probably isn't, nor is he likely to be upset by his fling's loose talk. It comes with the territory, and he's got a sunny attitude about such things.

"It's like, 'Who cares?' " he says. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know...."

Now, don't get me wrong. I do like Owen Wilson--he's funny and smart and he was awesome as "Hansel" in "Zoolander" and was great in all the Wes Anderson movies, blah blah blah. However, I find him the least charming of the three Wilson Brothers and I have an instinctual intense suspicion of anyone who would date Cheryl Crow. And lately he has been coming off as less of an "ass man" and more of an "ass," man.

I mean, please. "Women have to be responsible for their own orgasms"? I'm fairly certain that Ms. Steinem did not mean this statement as a way to let Mr. Owen Wilson off the hook for the erotic fulfillment of his sexual partners. And by not wanting to wear "one of those," I guess that he's saying in his obtuse way that he doesn't like to wear condoms and actually tries to argue his conquests out of using them? Nice. Very nice!

So, let's sum it all up, shall we? Owen Wilson likes to lick a nice ass, won't wear condoms, and curls up into a fetal position when faced with the daunting challenge of bringing a woman to orgasm. (Or as he would put it, take her down the "path to the waterfall." Ewww.) Oh, Stallion. You make me proud to be a Texan!

I hear the movie is pretty funny, though. So, yes, I will go! Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not actually made of stone. Like the Butterscotch Stallion himself, I am but flesh and blood. Flesh and blood!

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David Spade As Owen Wilson on "SNL," using extra-special prosthetic nose. (via Defamer)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Oils Well That Ends Well!

Oh, the oil puns just keep pumpin'!

Today's hysterically punny headline refers to oily-haired oil heir Brandon Davis and his on-again/off-again galpal, the frighteningly untalented "O.C." starlet Mischa Barton, who have finally confirmed that they are no longer a couple.

Mon dieu! First Brad and Jen, then Charlie and Denise, and now Brandon and Mischa! It's enough to make you give up hope in the enduring power of l'amour! And the couples breaking up seem to be falling down some sort of genetic shame spiral--each one is less attractive, less classy, and less fabulous than the last! Who's next? Star Jones and her possibly gay hubby Al Reynolds?

In honor of poor lil' Mischa's break-up, I bring you a link to the WOW Report's fascinating portrait of Brandon, courtesy of his rehab roomie. If even one thing the ex-roomate has to say is true, then Mischa's she's even dumber than she looks (which I actually didn't thing was humanly possible) for ever having gone out with this dude, no matter how rich he is.

Still, sometimes it's nice to reminisce about Young Lovahs, so I present Mischa-n-Brandon: The Way They Were.

There were good times...

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...in bad clothes.

And, naturally, not-so-good times...

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...in bad clothes.

And totally gross, please-pluck-my-eyeballs-out-now-that-they-have-seen this-please-I-beg-you times...

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...in no clothes.

FIN.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

It's Oil Right By Me!

Oh, how wonderful to be alive! I just received my fix from the UK's most delightful purveyors of email gossip, Popbitch, and my little eye spied this genius gem:
When Bronski Beat and Communards singer Jimmy Somerville sold his house in Islington, he left behind a large oil painting of himself.

He was portrayed as a naked saint, with a huge snake wrapped 'round him.

Like I said, genius!

I just can't figure out one little thing, though: Why on Earth would Jimmy leave behind this glorious visual paen to himself? Why would he let such a work of art hang in the midst of philistines? Why did he run away, turn away, run away, turn away?

Run away, turn away, run away, turn awaaaaaaaaaaay?

Now, I'm sure if you're anything like me, you're dying to get a sneak peak at this painting, right? Well, your faithful and ever-humble blogette was not able to track down the exact same work of art; but before you get out the tar and feathers, let me tell you that I was able to find another painting from the same series, by the same artist! Jimmy isn't completely nude, and there's no snake, but I think it gives a good sense of what artist and subject were going for:

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Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run awaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I KNEW it!

Friend of Felt Up Steve M. sent along this remarkable piece from the NY Post, in which beloved charmer John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley speaks out for the first time about the secret "agenda" (aka "conspiracy") that allowed talentless slut Kelly "Top-Heavy" Monaco to snatch the "Dancing With The Stars" crown from the rightful winner, John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley:
"Dancing with the Stars" runner-up John O'Hurley says there was a hidden "agenda" behind "General Hospital" star Kelly Monaco's surprising victory on the ABC reality show.

"I did think we were going to win," O'Hurley tells Inside TV magazine — while admitting in the same breath that "the [prize] trophy meant nothing to me really."

O'Hurley mentions the "agenda" without specifying what that might have been, but conspiracy theorists were buzzing shortly after Monaco's victory on the July 6 finale.

Some believe that Monaco was helped by a huge "GH" soap-fan voter turnout, since part of the contestants' scores were based on viewer voting. Others think she won on the "sex-appeal" factor (she's a former Playboy Playmate).

Yeah, and "still others" believe that ABC rigged the whole thing from the get-go! Rigged, I say! Rigged! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGED!

J'accuse, ABC executives. J'accuse!

Oh, you heartless monsters. You can hide your nameless, faceless identities behind the facade of a gigantic multinational corporation, but you will have to face the music some day--and it won't be an orchestral tango version of "Toxic," either! Oh, no! The music you shall face will be the thunderous boom of the heavens opening up and God's vengeful angels showering you with a million piercing arrows, right before the Earth cracks and you fall down, down, down the chasm to the lair of Satan, where you will spend all eterenity with toothpicks propping your eyelids open and the flames of hellfire tickling your feet as you are forced to watch an endless repeating loop of Kelly "Clod-Foot" Monaco dancing the samba to Enrique Iglesias' "Bailamos" and making the same horrible, hideous, and quite obvious mistakes over and over and over again...that is, if you believe in that sort of heaven/hell, sinners/punishment thing. Which I do!

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'DEVIL-WOMAN STEALS THE SOUL OF AMERICA ON NATIONAL TV, WHILE EVANDER HOLYFIELD LOOKS ON WITH QUIET DESPAIR.'

I just want the hands of an angry God to smite you, ABC Television executives, for what you have done to my soul and the souls of my fellow countrymen. Is that so wrong?

Is it?

On the other hand, I've really enjoyed watching "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives," so...oh, hell. Damn you!


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Damn you to hell!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Dreaded N-Word--And It Ain't "Nicole"

Fabian Basabe is a New York scenester whom us hicks in the sticks don't know much about--nor should we. His name gets bandied about (and/or ridiculed) in the gossip press, but as far as I can tell he is semi-famous for being semi-famous, much like Paris Hilton circa 2002 (as opposed to P-Hole circa right now, who is famous-famous for being a talentless whore).

Anyhoo, I don't usually bring up these dudes-around-town (I always get him mixed up with another who-the-hell-is-he? guy named Jonathan Cheban) but the lead story in today's Page Six is all about Mr. Basabe and his drunken racist rant at a Hamptons hot spot, and since it also included p.r. guru/beyotch/possible albino Lizzie "I'm Driving Into You As Fast As I Can, White Trash" Grubman, the afore-mentioned non-Basabe Jonathan Cheban, a Gastineau Girl, a broken shoe, and a grown man demanding his Prada sweater, I felt compelled to pass it along:
Socialite Fabian Basabe angrily spewed racial epithets at black bouncers after he was thrown out of the Star Room in Wainscott Saturday night for being "aggressively drunk," several witnesses said.

Basabe, who's married to La Perla heiress Martina Borgomanero, was at the Hamptons hot spot with his fellow "Cattle Drive" castmates Brittny Gastineau, Katy Benatar and Courtney Semel, and was "well on his way to being completely hammered" by 11:30 p.m., said one witness.

"He was swinging from the rafters like an orangutan, and when security dragged him down he started dancing like a madman, taking his clothes off and rubbing up against several guys," the witness said.

At one point, Basabe jumped on a booth and came crashing down on Lizzie Grubman, whose shoe broke, and fellow publicist Lauren Kucerak. Basabe also shoved p.r. man Jonathan Cheban and managed to knock over three $300 bottles of vodka.

A witness relates: "Randy, the security man, repeatedly asked Fabian to calm down and stop banging into other people, and Fabian threw his black American Express card at Randy's feet and said, 'Don't worry about what I am doing, here's my Amex!' "

At that point Randy escorted Basabe outside, where the insufferable "it" boy "became very violent and aggressive."

Basabe, who had left a sweater inside, started screaming at the black bouncers, "I want my navy blue Prada! I speak six [bleeping] languages, I have diplomatic immunity . . . Do you understand me, Negros? You [bleep]ing Negros!"

"There was an audible gasp from the crowd," said a spectator.

Rich Thomas, an African-American doorman at Star Room who was once a friend of Basabe and tried to calm him down, looked at Basabe and fumed: "I am one of those Negros!" and left. "They are no longer friends after that comment," said one insider.

Basabe's sweater was returned and club promoter Jeff Goldstein took him home.

Basabe was tearfully apologetic yesterday. "I have called everyone to apologize," he said. "I was a little out of control . . . that comment is something I believe so strongly against. I offended so many people I really care about. I need to re-evaluate my life. I am appalled at my own behavior — I don't think like that. I want to apologize to the bouncers. To everyone."

Obviously, the biggest question that immediately leaps to mind after reading this (besides "Is it really 'Negros,' Page Six, or should it be 'Negroes'?") is what in holy hell is this show "Cattle Drive," and is this Katy Benatar person related to Pat?

Naturally, I turned my ultra-sharp investigatory skills to the internets, where I found this little nugget on ContactMusic.com:
New York society couple Fabian Basabe and La Perla heiress Martina Borgomanero are to star in a new "City Slickers"-style reality TV show.

The newlyweds will join eight other big city socialites when they don cowboy gear to hit the prairies on new TV show "Cattle Drive."

Oh, sure, I get it. Socialites! On the prairie! It's the old "fish out of water" scenario! That sounds like reality tv gold. I can just see all those wacky debutantes, putting down their copy of the Social Register and picking up a hoe, or whatever...but still, I am confused about about Ms. Benatar. Is she related to Pat or not? And if so, where does she fit in, exactly? And who are the other "socialites" on the show?

Well, then I found this old tidbit from Page Six:
Even the cold, hard wilds of Colorado can't keep Fabian Basabe from fun.

The Ecuadorean party monster is filming the reality show "Cattle Drive" near Colorado Springs with Alex Quinn (son of Aidan), Brittny Gastineau, Shauna Ferrigno (daughter of Lou), Noah Blake (son of Robert), George Foreman and Katy Benatar (daughter of Pat). [ed. note: A ha!]

Last Wednesday, Basabe convinced Foreman and Ferrigno to break loose. The three escaped from the set into town, seven miles away.

"They went to a bar and did Patron shots and they caught 'Batman Begins,'" said a Basabe pal.
"They all loved the movie. They needed a break from worming cattle and sleeping in mosquito-infested swamps."

Um, I hate to sound like a snob, and I know that in this supposedly caste-free society of ours we tend to elevate celebrities to the status of royalty, but for the love of God: Have we sunk so low as a culture that Shauna Ferrigno, Noah Blake, and Katy (daughter of Pat) Benatar are considered socialites? Ye gads! I mean, come on...Britny Gastineau?

Although I'm not saying I won't watch "Cattle Drive"--as Ms. Whitney Houston would say, hells to the no! I'm not crazy! Alex Quinn worming cattle? Color me there. Jeez, just think of the possiblities! What if Fabian calls George Foreman a "[bleeping] Negro" in a drunken rage while demanding the return of his Jack Spade manbag from a club in Aspen right before George beats the living crap out of him in front of a crowd of fawning-yet-easily-shocked sycophants in riduculous furry ski boots who let out an audible gasp at the sound of the 'n' word?

Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world!
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Fabian "Insufferable It Boy" Basabe (via jhanebarnes.com)

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Daisy "Insufferable It Cow" Holstein (via socialitesarecows.com)

I can't wait!

Friday, July 08, 2005

Madge/Mariah Catfight Solved!

Careful, loyal readers of Felt Up may remember the post a day or two ago, about the diva temper tantrum backstage at Live 8 involving Her Royal Hiney, Mariah of Carey and Old Battle Axe Herself, Her Royal Madgesty, Madonna Ciccone. Page Six ran a little item about their flaring tempers, and wondered in print about what "unknown slight" had caused this totally hott diva-on-diva hatefest.

I posited my own theories on the matter, but the real answer was waiting, naturally, on the internets. Cityrag pointed out the fact that the blog FourFour had just posted a tidy explanation for the feud:
This rivalry is actually a longstanding one -- it stretches back to '95, when Mariah was nothing if not a hit-making robot and Madonna was struggling to move units (regardless of enjoying the longest running No. 1 of her career earlier that year).

Supposedly, Madonna revealed during an interview that she'd kill herself if she were Mariah (paraphrasing here), a sour-grapes comment on Mariah's work-horsiness.

Mariah hit back with a gem of a soundbite, which you can watch here.

It's a pretty awesome clip; Mariah says at a press conference that she hasn't really paid attention to Madonna since the 7th or 8th grade, "when she used to be popular." Heh. I like that she also manages to get a snarktastic comment on Madonna's advanced age in there, too. Well, done, Mariah! It's nice to see that in the youthful, pre-"Glitter," pre-meltodwn, early stages of your career, you had already mastered "The Art of Beyotchery," the lesser-known sequel to Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" (which you obviously studied and learned as well). Kudos!

Queen Beyotch Madonna Is Lost to the Kabbalah! Long Live Queen Mariah!

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Her Royal Hiney poses with one of her subjects, June 28, 2005. Always such a classy dame, that Mariah! So caring, too! What a sweetheart, to give a half-blind, wheelchair-bound homeless man a lil' thrill.