Saturday, June 18, 2005

Woman Lives Out the Dream of a Nation, And, Perhaps, The World

Yes, CNN reports that one lucky lady has finally done what many men, women, and children have longed to do for lo, these many years:
Leonardo DiCaprio was hit with a bottle while attending a Hollywood party given by Paris Hilton's ex-lover and needed about a dozen stitches to close a wound near his ear, People Magazine reported Friday on its Web site.

The magazine said DiCaprio was at a party at about 4 a.m. Friday at the Hollywood Hills home of Rick Salomon, ex-boyfriend of Paris Hilton, when a woman struck him with what appeared to be a beer bottle. No ambulance was called but friends took the actor to a hospital where he received about a dozen stitches near his ear, People said...

A call to DiCaprio's spokesman, Ken Sunshine, was not immediately returned.

However, People said Sunshine confirmed in a statement that the actor was assaulted.

"While leaving a small private gathering, Leo was attacked by a woman who was trespassing and had been repeatedly asked to leave the property," the statement said. "The attacker struck him with a glass object before being restrained by witnesses."

The attack was not expected to affect DiCaprio's work on a Martin Scorsese movie, "The Departed," which is shooting in Boston and New York, People said.

The report went on to state that after being released from custody, the female attacker was feted by world leaders, including U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and United Nations General Secretary Kofi Annan, for her "courageous work on behalf of all the peoples of the world who are annoyed and irritated by Leonardo DiCaprio's voice, face, wealth, fame, and very existence. The U.N. thanks you, and on a personal note, I can only say that I wish I had been the one to break that bottle on the world's fattest head. God's speed, Madam. God's speed."

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UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, after hearing the good news.

In a private aside, Annan added, "I'm sorry, but if you can't hang with the big dogs like Rick Salomon, then get off the porch, bitch! Ooh, Mr. Thespian, Mr. Greatest Actor of Your Generation--you were totally beaten up by a girl at Paris Hilton's pornographer's house, dude! Ha ha ha ha!"

A ticker-tape parade is already being planned for the as-yet-unnamed heroine's triumphant motorcade down Los Angeles' Wilshire Boulevard.

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