Monday, June 20, 2005

When Sally Got Felt Up

The lead story in today's Page Six is a long walk down mammary lane with blowsy old broad Sally Kirkland, a lollapalosa of a D-lister perhaps best known for her roles in such classics as "Willow B: Women in Prison" or "Big Bad Mama" and for showing up at red-carpet events in outlandishly tacky outfits, who for some unknown reason decided to tell the world about her adolescent date with a young Ted Koppel. WARNING: This story is not for the faint of heart!
Just call him Ted Kop-a-feel!

Busty actress Sally Kirkland tattles that curiously-coiffed "Nightline" anchor Ted Koppel was the first man to lay a hand on her ample bosom.

Kirkland, 60, says Koppel made his move when he was a 17-year-old senior at Manhattan's McBurney HS and she was 14-year-old freshman at Nightingale, when they were riding in the back of a horse-drawn carriage after his prom.

"Ted had those huge ears, which stuck out so much and everyone called him 'Dumbo,' " Kirkland recalled to Webster Hall curator Baird Jones.

"He certainly was not a looker. But I didn't care because he was so smart . . . I had made up my mind that I would let him do what he wanted with my body, which for a ninth-grader meant going to second base. I wanted the experience of being a full woman.

"But I only let Ted touch my breast on the outside of my prom dress. Fortunately the buggy driver was discreet and did not look back. I had pecked other girls at all-night parties, but this was the first time I had let someone else's tongue in my mouth.

"I wanted it to be so intense and exciting. Instead the buggy ride made it into this awkward screw-up, and then we were dumped on our rear ends trying to still appear sophisticated, which was impossible. So we had to stop kissing, which was infuriating. I am certain it was his first kiss, too."

An ABC spokesman told PAGE SIX that a "laughing" Koppel responded, "Please! I have impressionable grandchildren."

But kooky Kirkland wasn't finished dishing about her prom night experiences.

"The crazy thing is, just a few months later I did bite off my tongue completely on a date with a boy at another prom," she said.

"I was in a head-on car accident. I was in the passenger seat without a seat belt. The boy had been drinking and lost control of his car. I was in a coma for days. I was lucky I even lived. It was a head-on collision. They rushed me and my severed tongue to the emergency ward where they reattached it. I had to have a 100 stitches.

"To this day I have trouble saying certain sounds. When I say 'Sally,' there is a slight lisp and it comes out 'Shally.' The right side of my tongue is a bit numb because half of the nerves did not grow back. So my tongue karma was ill-fated, and Ted Koppel got off lucky that night in the buggy."

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Sally!

Wow.

I'll say it again: Wow.

When I'm a blowsy old broad (in say, two to three years) with my giant bazooms encased in a startlingly-tight knee-exposing gold sheath dress, and I look back on my life, will I be able to say that a future night-time news anchorman went to "second base" with me in a horse-drawn buggy? And will I be able to tell my incredible story with a re-attached, partially-deformed lisp-inducing tongue? I am incredibly sad to admit: I think not.

It's all just too depressing to realize that I just haven't lived like Sally Kirkland. Frankly, I had suspected as much for years, but to see it all so stark like this, in black-and-white...wow.

Hell, I haven't even lived as exciting a life as Ted Kop-a-feel!

I just feel like a loser. Sigh.

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Ted re-enacts that special, long-ago night, when he first touched a boobie.

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