Thursday, June 23, 2005

WARNING: The Bottom of This Post May Not Be Safe For Work!

Well, I'm back from San Antonio, and boy is my face red. Apparently, the Alamo doesn't have a basement! Dammit!

But luckily there is a veritable smorgasbord of non-news today to get my mind off of my beloved lost bicycle. Most of it comes from Page Six, naturally.

First up, it's TomKat time! The Page Sixers report that:

Katie Holmes
may have alienated all of her longtime best friends but she's still trying to keep her parents in the loop — for now. On Tuesday, Holmes and alien-fighting fiance Tom Cruise flew into town and holed up in the Carlyle.

"They have a huge suite and his mom and sister [his spokeswoman Lee Anne DeVette] are there and her parents are there. It's kind of a 'get to know you before the kids get married' session," said our source.

Holmes' parents — who are said to be a little weirded out by Holmes' new devotion to Scientology — might be more at ease after meeting Cruise's family.

Oh, yes, nothing like meeting Tom Cruise's entirely brainwashed, 100% Scientologist family to set the parents' minds at ease that their formerly semi-normal-for-an-actress/good Catholic daughter is about to become the legally-wedded beard to an allegedly gay movie star/psycho who believes that humans are actually immortal beings called "thetans" and that there was once an evil galactic overlord named Xenu who oppressed free spirits with science fiction-like tactics during the time the Earth was known as Teegeeack. Yep, a few dinners with incredibly normal, down-to-earth "anti-suppressor" sis Lee Anne at the Carlyle Hotel, and the Holmes family's worries will surely be eased. Or, at least, go unreported. Perhaps this copy of To The Stars by L. Ron Hubbard will also go a long way towards making them feel better:

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It's about stars--both kinds!

(A program note: Friend of Felt Up Terri R. has informed me that the infamous "I love this woman!" episode of "Oprah"--where Tom Cruise finally showed the world how crazy he really is--will be re-shown today, at least in Austin, at 4 pm, Central time. Check your local listings! Must-see tv! Everyone in America should simply leave work immediately and organize impromptu Sofa Jumping Parties across the nation!)

On the Hohan front, we have word from the Coast that all is not peachy with the rapidly-disappearing alleged herpes-spreader and her cute new movie. Also from Page Six:
Disney is not being very nice to one of its most bankable stars.

Lindsay Lohan — who has been in the Mouse House's stable since she was 11, making the studio millions in such movies as "Freaky Friday" and "The Parent Trap" — was taken off posters for her latest picture, "Herbie: Fully Loaded." And the song she did for the flick's big racing scene was banished to the very end.

To make matters worse, the changes were made without giving Lohan any notice.

An insider says: "The original poster of the movie was basically of Lindsay — it was a huge picture of her and the car was in the background. But because she dyed her hair blond and lost a drastic amount of weight, the posters started to look dated.

"Disney needed to do something because it made them look silly — having a poster for the movie of a big, busty redheaded Lindsay when she's now a blond twig. So they hastily sent out new posters — one is just of the car, and another is of the car with a tiny, tiny Lindsay and cast members off to the side."

But the new posters apparently didn't bother Lohan as much as the switcheroo with her song. The tune "First" was supposed to be heard during the racing scene, but is now played over the final credits.

After a screening in Hollywood on Sunday, Lohan stomped out of the El Capitan Theater, and according to wire reports huffed, "I am so [angry]!" She was then herded into a bathroom for 12 minutes to calm down.

Lohan later said: "I was upset when I didn't hear my song during the race scene . . . I was like, 'Whoaaa,' because nobody stays to hear the song in the closing credits. So I ran out."

Yeeeesssss, she ran to the bathroom for 12 minutes to calm her nerves, right right. Poor thing. She's a little confused. Note to Linds: La cocaina is not the best thing for soothing oneself when one is "upset." Although, to be fair, it will take your egomaniacal tendencies and turn them into a Godzilla-like monster who demands its song be heard in the all-important racing scene instead of merely over the credits which list the names of all those unimportant little crew people who no one in the audience cares about at all. So, that's sort of a plus. Besides the massive, dangerous weight-loss, the destruction of your youthful good looks, and the eradication of your very soul, I mean.

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Lindzilla! AAAAAAAAAAH! Run for your lives, little people!

I had actually been wondering about the tv commercials that I've seen for "Herbie/Herpie: Fully Loaded" because they all seem to be pushing the Love Bug known as Herbie instead of the love-bug carrier known as Herpie Hohan. The few glimpses you see of her are rather shocking, since she is now unrecognizable as the red-haired, busty, freckly-faced teen who charmed us all in "Mean Girls." Poor, poor Disney. Stuck with promoting the car! Just like they did with the original! Oh, how I loved that movie when I was a kid. (My god, I am old. I'm an old, old woman. Sigh.)

Onward and downward! Page Six continues it's run of top-notch non-news with this lil' nuggget about Our Favorite Doomed Couple!
Kate Moss' hot and heavy romance with druggie rocker Pete Doherty has put her best friend Sadie Frost's nose out of joint.

Frost banned Doherty from her 40th birthday party in London the other night, and, adding insult to injury, invited Doherty's ex, Lisa Moorish, the mother of his child.

The London Mirror reports Moss, already steamed at the snub, went ballistic when she bumped into Moorish at the bash, fuming, "I don't want to be anywhere near that woman!"

Meanwhile, Elton John has offered to help Doherty kick his heroin and crack habit, saying he's welcome to stay over any time.

Awww, how sweet! Good ole Elton, offering to let a troubled, sexually-ambiguous young slight-of-frame lad "stay over." He's got a heart of gold, Elton, pure gold! But seriously, ladies and germs, how awesome is craaaaazy actress/underpants-designer Sadie "Ex-Wife of Jude Law" Frost? She's totally trying to throw a wrench into those star-crossed lovahs' best-laid, drug-induced plans of impending holy, sacred matrimony--and who could blame her? Although I really, really, really want these nuptials to take place. I wouldn't miss that fiasco for the world! I can see it now: Shane MacGowan will perfom the ceremony, which due to excessive slurring will later be rendered invalid by a court of law...oh, I could go on and on, but I don't want to ruin the surprise. Let's just say that I have it on very good authority that Naomi Campbell will be burned in effigy and still be the Maid of Honor! And everyone involved will be high as kites. And very, very thin. And possibly crazy.

Oddly, while there are a million photos of the lesser-known Doherty out there on the internets...

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...there are very, very few images available of Kate Moss. Odd, that! She is just not out in the public eye enough, I guess. Here's the closest I could get, an artist's rendering:

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Speaking of weight issues, the following tidbit from Page Six is not for the easily-angered, such as myself, who flew into a violent rage upon reading it the first time:
Publicist Andy Morris has come up with a surefire way to generate buzz for tonight's party for Abby Ellin's new book about fat kids, "Teenage Waistland" — subjecting overweight celebrities to public ridicule.

Morris has invited bulky boldfacers Monica Lewinksy, Delta Burke, Emme and Wendy "The Snapple Lady" Kaufman (what, no Star Jones?), and mandated that all guests weigh themselves on a scale before entering.

If that's too subtle for you, consider that the fattie-themed fete, held at Morris' downtown office, will be catered with Krispy Kreme donuts, eclairs and tarts.

Gee, I bet Monica, Delta, Emme, and Wendy couldn't wait to rush down to that "fattie fete" and stuff their faces with donuts after being publicly weighed/humiliated! They were probably so psyched to get that invite. What a tasteful and sincere gentleman this publicist Andy Morris must be! Three cheers for sending a wonderfully empowering, positive, healthy message about being happy with your body to the teens of America: Hip hippo hooray! Hip hippo hooray! Hip hippo hurray!

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While we're on the subject of "hip," Jeannette Walls' Scoop column on tells us that we should definitely not:
Expect Noel Gallagher to record a hip-hop album. “I despise hip-hop,” the Oasis frontman said in the London Times. “Loathe it. Eminem is an idiot and I find 50 Cent the most distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life.”

Hmmm. I guess I don't have much to say about this statement of Mr. Gallagher's except to point out that no one on God's green earth gives a flying f*** what Noel Gallagher records anymore. I must say though, that I, for one, am rather sad that we as humans have been denied the Great Oasis Hip-Hop/Rap Album That Never Was.

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Just in case you change your mind, Noel. Just in case!

In other Gallagher news, snarky Popbitch relates this too-good-to-be-true-therefore-maybe-it-is story. Apparently Noel Gallagher told the Observer last weekend that his brother Liam:
Was a huge fan of "Spinal Tap." But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as "A Mighty Wind" at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted "I'm not 'avin' that", and stormed off. And has never watched the film again.

On the bright side, Oasis' amps still go to 11. And the band has yet to trod on dwarves. Yet.

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OK. We're down to the final non-news item of the day! And in case you are the type who ignores blog post titles, I issue another warning: At the very bottom of this post is a photo montage that may not be considered safe for work.

Anyway, this is from my busting-at-the-seams "The Many Reasons I Despise Greta Scacchi" File. Greta, for those of you who may have tried to forget, was best known for being the slutty blonde murdered lawyer in "Presumed Innocent," the slutty blonde Icelandic artist in "The Player," and the slutty blonde slut in "White Mischief." She has always just rubbed me the wrong way. And, apparently, she herself was rubbed the wrong way by a parade of actors, according to Ms. Walls in The Scoop:
Greta Scacchi says she stopped playing the babe in movies after a love scene with Tom Berenger in “Shattered” because she was tired of being mounted by leading hunks. “There I was, in the missionary position, with the fourth famous actor in six months on top of me — Harrison Ford, Vincent D’Onofrio, Jimmy Smits, now Tom Berenger,” Scacchi told Australian Magazine, “and I’m thinking, ‘I just can’t do this any more.’”

Yes, that is a tragic tale, Greta. Being forced to be in high-profile major motion pictures while being pawed, yes pawed, by the likes of Harrison Ford and Jimmy Smits--it's just too terrible for words. This horror story is like the atrocities in Rwanda or Serbia--why didn't we do something to help her? Why didn't someone rescue this poor woman from her awful fate? She ended up marrying Vincent D'Onofrio, for god's sake, and we, the Brotherhood of Man, just stood idly by and let it happen. It will hang on our heads forever.

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We have only ourselves to blame for this tragedy. Only ourselves.

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