Friday, June 24, 2005

Tracking The Decline Of Western Civilization Via Google Searches

Since I started this humble blog a year and a half or so ago, I have made it a habit (some might call it a mild form of obsessive-compulsive disorder) to check my tracking stats on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. Through my beloved Extreme Tracker, I can find out which web pages are referring to me the most (, Sublime Stitching, Beetsolonely, WOW Report--Holla!), and, most interestingly, which Google searches have led the world wide webbers out there to Felt Up. So I am proud to present A Short History of Our Celebrity-Obsessed Popular Culture, As Seen Through Felt Up Google Search Queries! (Apologies to long-time Felt Up readers, as I have gone over some of this "research" before.)

The first big Google search phrase to jack up my daily hits was "anorexic pride bracelet," right around the time Felt Up abruptly morphed from a felt-craft/Corgi dog blog into the snarkfest that it is now. The story which prompted the "ana pride" search explosion was about Mary-Kate Olsen, naturally, and the rumor that she wore a string bracelet which was supposedly a secret clue to the 'tweens of the world that she was "proud" of having an eating disorder. (There were apparently vari-colored bracelets denoting "bulimic pride," "laxative-abuse pride," etc. What is going on in the junior high schools of America? Nothin' good, I fear, nothin' good.)

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Then there was the now-legendary Tara Reid Red Carpet Nip Slip Incident. The day I posted a link--a mere link!--to a photo of her famous fully-exposed boob was the highest number of hits in the history of Felt Up up until that point. I think the visits went up something like 900% on that day.

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The boobie shot that changed a blog, and, perhaps, the world.

But that number was paltry compared to the Amy Lumet Google frenzy. I was live-blogging this year's Oscar ceremony, and when they did the tribute to director Sidney Lumet, the camera lingered lovingly on a beautiful woman in the audience identified as "Amy Lumet." The one billion people around the globe who watched along with me asked a single question: "Who Is This Amy Lumet Person And Why Haven't We Ever Seen Her Ginormous Fake Boobs Until Now?" I searched and searched the internets to find a) her relationship to Sidney Lumet (she is one of his daughters with the always-gorgeous Lena Horne and b) a recent photo of her; the day I posted it still stands as the most hits ever in one day of Felt Up. More people wanted a look at her two covered fake boobs than Tara Reid's one completely exposed fake boob. Go figure! I still get tons of hits from "Amy Lumet" searches!

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Amy! O, how we long to know more about you and your boobs! AAAAAAAMY!

Right now, and for the last couple of days, the big Google search phrase is "Butterscotch Stallion." Heh.

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What will the future bring? Only time, and maybe Ton Cruise's E-Meter, will tell...

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Dude! I just noticed that the name at the bottom of the E-Meter is "Cruising Equipment Company"! Is that for real? What in the name of all things holy is going on?


erica vaughn said...

go here for shocking outrage! how dare they?! the humanity of it all....

Henry said...

I know it's way late, but I have a correction for this post:

Amy Lumet, daughter of Sydney Lumet, is NOT the daughter of Lena Horne. Lena Horne is Amy's maternal GRAND-mother, i.e., Sydney Lumet was married to Lena Horne's daughter.