Thursday, June 23, 2005

TomKat on Oprah: The Second Coming

I finally saw the Tom Cruise Goes Bat S**T Crazy episode of "Oprah," which they replayed today, no doubt due to popular demand. Up until now, I'd only read about this classic moment in the televisual arts. I'm going to have to take a few minutes and gather my thoughts, such as they are...

...OK! I'm back! Now, first of all, I have to say that I feel like a cynical, mean-spirited, killjoy for what I'm about to say; but since I am, in fact, a cynical, mean-spirited killjoy, that's really only to be expected. I actually would like nothing more than to believe that a person who has done me no harm, who, quite on the contrary, has provided me with a few rare, fleeting moments of pleasure in my life--such as the classic underpants-clad "Old Time Rock-n-Roll" scene in "Risky Business" and the super-special cameo in the third "Austin Powers" movie--is actually as in love and filled with joy as he claims. For Tom Cruise deserves happiness just as much as the next person, I suppose. He's not Adolf Hitler. He's not Pol Pot. He's not Carrot Top. Tom seems like a nice enough fellow; a Scientology-crazed, insanely rich and powerful fellow, but a nice one all the same, as far as we know.

But as much as I'd heard about his antics on "Oprah," it was quite stunning to actually witness this spectacle unfold before my eyes. The man didn't just jump on the couch or crouch down on one knee and hit the floor with his fist once or twice--he did these things approximately fifty times in the first 15 minutes of the show. Which, ok, fine, I get it, he's in love; Katie Holmes is the most fascinating and admirable and beautiful 26-year-old on the planet; he's verrrrrrrrrry hap-hap-happy; and yet....And yet it was all so incredibly weird! So unseemly! So bizarre! So he-doth-protest-too-much! At one point, I swear Oprah was getting a little afraid; she kind of moved as far away from him on the couch as she possibly could. He was a man posessed. She kept repeating over and over, in full Sassy Oprah-mode, "This boy is gone. He's just gone." And she was right. He is gone.

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Oprah tries to get away...but is pulled back by the Dark Side of the Cruise. (via Defamer)

What bothered me the most was that he kept saying that he has never, ever felt like this before in his whole life--which must be great for his children to hear, that their dad never loved their mom Nicole "I'm Botoxing As Fast As I Can" Kidman like he does Katie Holmes. (An interesting point on the show came when Oprah asked him about having a bi-racial son, which as far as I know, no one has ever dared bring up with the Cruise Missile before. Since she's Oprah, she got away with it. His answer was that color has no meaning to him and that he and his son have never talked about it and that "we're all in this together," to much applause. All of which was kind of sweet, if slightly awkward. I wish she'd gone whole hog and asked him if his son had been conceived in a petrie dish or if they paid someone to go with the turkey baster/David Crosby--or in this case, Quincy Jones--option. That's what the world really wants to know about, not all this giddy-in-love crap.)

The C-man repeatedly said that he doesn't "play games," and that he's "straight, a very straight guy"--as in "straight-shooter," but he was obviously trying to use subliminal messages to plant the "100% not gay" idea into our brains, just in case the couch-jumping, fist-pumping, yelling, hugging, and crouching on one knee while pounding the floor was not enough to convince us. Which it was not.

The ostensible point of the show was to plug "The War of the Worlds" release, which ended up taking up about 1/50th of the show. The rest was all "Kate's an extraordinairy woman," "She really cares about others," and, most especially, "I'm a straight, straight, super-straight, none-more-straight-than-me, 100% not-gay, manly man." Oprah got him to admit that they "met" via his calling and setting up an appointment with her. How romantic: His people called her people and they had a meeting! (He failed to mention the less-successful alleged "auditions" with Scarlett "Harlot" Johanson and Jessica "Everyone in Hollywood Says J-Lo Is a Fat Pig" Alba.) Oprah kept saying, "I've never seen you like this," and you know, Oprah, I don't think anyone has ever seen him like this, because I truly believe he has crossed the line from insanely-driven to plain old insane.

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Insane in the membrane...(insane in the brain!) (via Defamer)

Oh, one more thing: When they finally brought out the most fabulous, wonderful thetan/woman in the world, Katie Holmes was in full cold-sore mode! She kept tilting her head down to hide the hideous red sores on her upper lip! And Tom and Oprah kissed her full on the mouth! Ewww!

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