Friday, June 17, 2005

TomKat Cruise Missile Launch is a Go!

Yes, Tom Cruise has popped the question in his quest to make Katie Holmes his lawfully-wedded beard, according to CNN:
Actor Tom Cruise said he and girlfriend Katie Holmes are engaged, after he popped the question early Friday morning atop the Eiffel Tower.

Cruise, speaking at a Paris news conference with Holmes, said: "Yes, I proposed to her."

The couple often shared smiles and blushes as Cruise turned to look at her, with a massive diamond ring on her finger.

"It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, so I haven't slept at all," he said. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman."

Asked why he chose the famed Paris landmark, he said: "I've never been to the Eiffel Tower. It's Paris, it's a beautiful city, it's very romantic."

Cruise said no date for a wedding has been set: "We haven't discussed that -- one step at a time," he said. "Let's see. We're not sure."

Cruise celebrated the occassion by attempting to squeeze the alien-planted demons--and, if necessary, the life--out of his "War of the Worlds" costar, Dakota Fanning:

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Miss Fanning's muffled cries for help went unheard by a TomKat-frenzied French press corps.

Holmes faces a variety of hurdles before the sacred, holy nuptials can take place, but once she has passed the last of her E-Meter readings, been informed about the aliens who planted bad thoughts into the minds of humankind in the year 1247, proven her commitment to helping others by publicly ridiculing Brooke Shields, simultaneously rejected her Catholic family and embraced Kirstie Alley and John Travolta as her new "parents," and finally reached the upper echelons of Scientology (known to some in the religion as "The Top Gun") she and Cruise will be cleared to marry at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Los Angeles. They will then take their custom-designed spaceship to honeymoon on the planet Hubbardonia, where Cruise has hinted they may live out the rest of their lives with the all-male, all-young, and all-totally-hot "good aliens," whom L. Ron Hubbard personally told Cruise (in a dream) live in total happiness and freedom with their female servants to meet all their non-sexual needs.

Tom has secretly ordered a maid's uniform in Katie's size from the "L. Hub" catalog.

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Oh, and in a completely unrelated blind-item in today's Page Six, they ask:
Which top leading man interviewed three different starlets for the job of girlfriend/future wife before picking his new beloved? "Mark my words: They'll have a baby," said our source. "Maybe he or she will be conceived in a petri dish, but they'll procreate."

I don't know what that has to do with the price of tea in China, but it sounded intriguing, so I thought I'd throw it in at the end. For no good reason, mind you.

Bon voyage, you crazy lovebirds! And I do mean crazy...

1 comment:

Beto said...

I worked on Hollywood Blvd right next to the L. Ron Hubbard Museum! They had a pre-party for Battleship Earth there and shut down the whole block!

This of course was down the street from the reading room, the recruitment center, along with MANY other spaces. The Scientologists were slowly buying up Hollywood, building by building!

Anyway, it's a much better deal to be a rich celebrity Scientologist than a poor one! The ugly/poor ones walked up and down Hollywood dressed in their uniforms recruiting people, offering free IQ test. They looked like postal workers, except with stripes to indicate position in the hierarchy.

They had no $$$ to give, so they gave time. Like ALL of it. They lived in dorms on Sunset and L. RON HUBBARD BLVD!

Celebrity Scientology is kooky enough, but in the trenches it's like a cross between Star Trek and moonies and the US Post Office.