Thursday, June 16, 2005

Someday I, Too, Shall Dance With A Star

The gossip is so non-existent today that MSNBC's Jeannette Walls' Scoop column actually ran a story about Lindsay Lohan going potty in the men's room:
When Lindsay Lohan’s gotta go, she’s gotta go. Even if it’s in the men’s room. The “Mean Girls” star reportedly stormed into the men’s room — with her bodyguard in tow, at a recent New York party. Security was apparently her concern.

“Lindsay is very concerned about security and she takes her male bodyguard into the loo with her. So she needs the men’s room,” a source told the U.K. mag OK.

But apparently, Lohan also wanted a little privacy, and trusts men not to gossip more than she trusts women. “Girls will try and listen to your conversations in the loo - men could care less about that,” and insider told the mag. “Lindsay was really angry at someone and was screaming at them - and she wanted some privacy.”

Dear God. This was not even a recent non-event! This happened at some unspecified time a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Sigh.

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So today I'm going to bring you my inner-most thoughts and feelings about something very important to me: Reality tv shows. Specifically, Dancing With the Stars. (I would love to give my heartfelt opinions of Fox's brilliant Trading Spouses that currently features the Cajun backwoods bayou family who swapped moms with the humorless Vegan Californians, but I only watched one episode. I will say, however, that the blond be-mulleted Cajun little boy is a future superstar and hopefully will be able to parlay his brief moment of reality show semi-fame into a long-lasting career as a wise-beyond-his-years rascally sprite in Jeff Foxworthy vehicles, at the very least. The kid is a genius: "Look. Look. I was a little thoughtless, and I'm sorry," he tells Humorlesss Vegan California Mom. Then he tells the camera later, "I always say I'm thoughtless when I want to get off the hook. I really want to knock her lights out." The Humorless Californian Vegan Mom says to him, "Stop saying 'Look,' it's annoying me!" and he replies, "Look. Look." I'm telling you, that kid is going places! He's a Cajun Peter Billingsly with an attitude and a mullet! But I digress.)

Back to Dancing With The Stars. I knew I was going to like this show just from the concept--my semi-secret shame is that I love ballroom dancing and the pros who have made this "sport" their life's work. The intricate, genuinely impressive dance moves; the sparkly, tacky figure-skater-meets-cruise-ship outfits; the non-specific Continental accents; the sexually-ambiguous men with their Fabio haircuts and the women with their diva-like behavior--I can't get enough! Combining the cutthroat world of competitive ballroom dancing with non-pro D-list "stars" like Trista Sutter from The Bachelorette, ex-super-model/ex-wife of Rod Stewart/current reality show whore Rachel Hunter and Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block, all of whom have to learn the sport in a matter of weeks (and for some dances, days)? Well, just color me there.

Trista was booted off first, and thank God for that. She was annoying as hell. She didn't want to do some "sexy" dance moves in the rehearsal studio without her made-by-tv husband on hand as a witness because she didn't feel "comfortable"--oh, puh-lease. Give me a break. What a suprise it was then when the judges said her dance "lacked passion"--ha!

As anyone who has seen the show can readily attest, the superstars are John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley from Seinfeld and his pro-dancer partner Charlotte Jorgenson. J. Peterman is awesome! He is elegant, funny, makes great faces, and seems to have a genuine rapport with his European dancing lady. They seem to really enjoy each other's company and to be having a lot of fun.

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J. Peterman rules!

My next favorite was Evander Holyfield, the former heavyweight champion boxer who once had his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. Evander--who, like all the male contestants on the show is at a disadvantage from the start because he has to lead--is a giagantic hunk of man who had to learn to Cha Cha and Quick Step with grace and agility, and the in-studio audience loved him and gave him a standing ovation for his first performance.

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Evander and Edyta!

I am sad--nay, perhaps even violently angry--to report that Evander and his partner Edyta Sliwinska were voted off last night by the phillistines in this country of ours who would rather cast their ballot for that egomaniacal whorish beyotch Kelly Monaco from General Hospital. It is an outrageous miscarriage of justice! Kelly Monaco is obnoxious, overly-confident, wears the tackiest, skimpiest outfits ever created outside of the movie "Showgirls," thinks she's the cat's meow in general and I'm convinced that her ginormous fake boobs are throwing off her center of gravity, making her gallumph around the floor like a top-heavy baby elephant. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

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Kelly Monaco. Just look at her! Boo, hiss!

So far, Rachel Hunter and her partner, Jonathan Roberts; Joey McIntyre and his pro, Ashly Delgrosso; and John O'Hurley and Charlotte Jorgenson are the best dancers. I feel that Joey has a slightly unfair advantage in that he has previous dance experience doing fake B-boy gaywad choreography when he was a New Kid, but he does have a certain amount of flair and charm. Rachel Hunter, for some reason, is the female dancer that the judges make the biggest fuss over. She can do no wrong. However, the judges' vote only counts for half of each couple's score, and America clearly dislikes Rachel Hunter. I'm not sure why, but she's aware of it herself and is now smartly playing the "I'm just the Aussie lass who happens to be an ex-supermodel and the former Mrs. Rod Stewart girl-next-door" card whenever she can. I have to admit that for a giantess from Australia, she's pretty graceful and her legs go on forever. I don't hate her like I hate Kelly Monaco, but I still don't want her to win. Anything. Ever.

Speaking of the judges: Ye gads! They are incredible. The most boring is some Asian chick named Carrie Ann Inaba who the crowd boos constantly, because she actually critiques specific aspects of the dancers' steps and technique. The other two are outrageously over-the-top and insane. Len Goodman is a balding Brit who was apparently plucked from the Olden Timey English Vaudeville circuit and shouts everything he says, especially lines like: "You are a panther ready to pounce!" He's kind of awesome. The last judge is an excitable Euro-trashy Italian guy called Bruno Tonioli, who says everything in a way that makes you think he is about to explode from sheer ballroom dance mania. Apparently you can see his footwork in the Elton John video "I'm Still Standing," which, if memory serves, featured a great many semi-nude male (and a few female) dancers with brightly-hued body paint writhing and prancing on the Riviera. Which is reason enough for him to be a judge on this show, as far as I'm concerned.

The host is some guy they found at a Borscht Belt lodge in the Catskills, who honed his emceeing skills on third- and fourth-rate '70s game shows. His cheesiness and cornball humor somehow only add to the greatness of Dancing With the Stars.

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John "J. Peterman" O'Hurley and Charlotte (pronounced "Charlotta") Jorgenson! Yeee!

Wednesday nights, ABC, 8:00 central time. Watch it and vote! Go to the official Dancing With the Stars website to vote for J. Peterman (AKA John and Charlotte)! It's presented by Arthur Murray Dance Studios!


Kim said...

I saw J. Peterman making Elaine jealous with his dancing skills on a Seinfeld rerun last night ... it made me SO wish that I had gotten in on Dancing With the Stars from the ground floor. Why do I doubt?

jen said...

Kelly Monaco is an athlete, a vegetarian and her boobs are real. You are just jealous.