Wednesday, June 01, 2005

More Signs of The Impending Apocalypse

Jeez, I go away for a little Botox touch-up and all hell breaks loose! First, WENN reports that Paris and Paris are engaged. That would be Paris "P-Hole" Hilton and her incredibly rich and incredibly yucky Greek boy-toy Paris Latsis. And that would be the sound of utter disinterest mixed with revulsion erupting like a very quiet volcano the world over:
Heiress Paris Hilton has got engaged to her Greek shipping heir boyfriend of six months, Paris Latsis.

Latsis, 27, proposed to Hilton, 24, on Wednesday after she returned from a three-week trip to Europe to promote her new movie House Of Wax - and they marked the engagement on Saturday with a barbecue for 75 friends at their Hollywood home.

Her spokesman Rob Shuter says, "They are happy and excited." Hilton recently said of her beau, "I'm so in love and grateful to have found such an honest and loyal person. I feel like we were meant to be, and I'm happy to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with."


Hilton went on to say, "I'm also, like, really happy to announce that our wedding night video "One Night of Paris in Paris" is available for pre-sale on Amazon.com. for $19.95."

Then we have poor ole bad boy/e.d. poster child Christian Slater, who apparently went on a drunken ass-grabbing frenzy in New York, also according to the always-accurate folks at WENN:
Movie star Christian Slater is desperate to fight sexual assault charges in New York, insisting he plans to sue police who arrested him.

The Heathers star was arrested early yesterday after allegedly feeling a woman's bottom in a New York street, while intoxicated.

He grumbled, "This is bulls**t," as police escorted him to court in front of TV cameras, and told reporters he was considering legal action once the incident had been cleared up.

In a statement, Slater's publicist said, "We believe this situation is the result of a misunderstanding and we are hopeful that this will be resolved shortly."

Slater was booked on two sexual misconduct charges and released from police custody. He's due to appear in court again on June 14. The arrest is not expected to affect Slater's current run in hit Broadway, New York play The Glass Menagerie.

Poor Christian. It was a simple case of mistaken identity! He thought the anorexic blonde chick with the lip implants and the cocaine falling out of her purse on the sidewalk was Lindsay Lohan and he made a bad call, alright? A bad call that could happen to anyone who has fondled that formerly fine/currently bony ass in a dimly-lit banquette. Anyone.

The NY Post's Page Six column has another, almost-as-compelling argument against Christian being an ass predator. They have a veritable cavalcade of strippers who attest to his polite, hands-off behavior on the many, many occassions that they have shaken their g-string-clad booties mere centimeters from his pale, sweaty five o'clock shadow:
Several Scores strippers say they've never experienced his alleged roving hands.

The curvaceous character witnesses claim Slater was a true gent when he partied into the wee hours at the Manhattan mammary mecca Friday night.

"It's difficult for some men to remain calm when I take off my gown and reveal my 36Ds," Scores stripper Logan confided to PAGE SIX, "but Christian always remains cool — he has never attempted to touch me inappropriately."

Topless temptress Paris, who danced for Slater Friday, added, "I don't believe that he would grope a stranger in the street. The charges must be false."

Dancer Jade said, "Even when I am dancing up close and personal, Christian just looks and tells me that I look great. I believe he is innocent."

Ana Maria declared, "He is one of the most polite and kind celebrities that I have ever danced for."

Well, there you have it. If he didn't grab asses of the caliber of Logan, Paris, Jade, or Ana Maria when they were naked, why would he get drunk and grab a (presumably) clothed ass? He's a pro! He knows what he's doing! This is amateur stuff, man. Totally amateur! I think he's being set up as an ass-grabbing patsy of some sort. Why, I don't know. But I like believing in conspiracies.

Speaking of conspiracies, we have a Page Six "sighting" of
"Terri Hatcher at Madison Square Garden Café in Laguna Beach, Calif., with her daughter and Counting Crows lead singer Adam Duritz"!

AAAAAAAH! Why do these pretty women keep going out with him? WHY? Does he have a penis made of pure, solid gold? Does he have a relative in the FBI who provides him with blackmail material? Are celebrity women insane? What in the name of holy Christ is going on? AAAAAAAH! Adam Duritz!

OK. And if all of the above was not enough to make you think the world was about to reverse on its axis and start spinning backwards, we have the rather casually-released news that the identity of Watergate superstar informer Deep Throat has been revealed by Vanity Fair as former FBI second-in-command Mark Felt--Dude! I was so hoping it was Alexander Haig! Dammit! I'm so disappointed.

And then there is this little tidbit from the NY Daily News' Lowdown gossip column about Ice-T perhaps (or perhaps not) getting a little bit of dual oral action from his wife and another chick while he was chillin' at an NYC night club. Oh, and he may (or may not) have taken pictures of the event as it was going down, so to speak:
Lowdown hears that the 47-year-old "Law & Order: SVU" star was serviced by his busty blond wife, Nicole (Coco) Austin, and an unidentified brunette woman, in full view of witnesses the other night at the Meatpacking District club NA.

One of the witnesses told Lowdown that Ice-T held up a disposable camera and captured the Kodak moment.

The rapper-actor - whose real name is Tracy Morrow - declined to respond to Lowdown's detailed messages concerning the incident.

Jorge Hinojosa, Morrow's manager, initially blurted: "That's f-- hot."

But a couple of hours later, he called back to say: "I talked to Ice, and he said, 'That's bulls-. Show me some pictures!' So I spoke to Coco, and she said it's totally not true."

Hinojosa added: "It's just some club trying to play you for some publicity. Ice-T and Coco are not what you would call demure, so if this were legit, they'd say, 'We got a little buck crazy.'"

But according to witnesses, the 25-year-old Coco, a former swimwear model, and the brunette took turns under the tabletop of a back-room VIP banquette.

"He was just layin' back, taking a photo of it here and there with a disposable camera," a witness said. "He seemed kinda halfway into it, and halfway business as usual."

Sitting at nearby tables and apparently oblivious were Kimberly (daughter of Rod) Stewart, "Sopranos" actor Robert Iler, NA owner Noel Ashman, and Yankee pitchers Tanyon Sturtze and Carl Pavano.

"Not everyone saw it," explained a second witness. "But if you were standing right there, you could see it."

But Hinojosa insisted: "It's an attack on his character. There are so many suspicious things about this story

Yes, there are a great many suspcicious things about this story. Number one: Ice-T and his lady like to get buck crazy sometimes, and would so fess up to something as run-of-the-mill as this. Two: Kimberly "Daughter of Rod" Stewart would most certainly have been under that table in a heartbeat, lending a helping hand and not just sitting idly by, since she is totally like Paris Hilton's new b.f. friend and has surely learned a thing or two (or three) about getting some much-needed publicity out of these kinds of encounters. Three: Robert "The Sullen Kid Who Plays Tony Soprano's Sullen Kid" Iler and the two Yankee pitchers must posess a heightened sense of nearby skank action--much like the blind who have sharpened hearing--that would have enabled them to grab their own "cameras" and gotten in on it. And four: Ice-T wouldn't be "half into it, half business as usual." Uh-uh. Ice-T would be all the way 100% business as usual, because that's what getting blown by his wife and a hottie is for Ice: business as usual. Let's remind ourselves of the life that Ice-T leads, shall we?
When I walk in a joint,punks always look at me hard
Because I wear enough gold to tie a dog in a yard
Cold maxin' in my mansion so big it's silly
Got a butler named Humphry and a maid named Milly

Do these sound like the words of a man who would deny that such an event took place? No. They do not. Because pimpin' aint easy (but somebody's gotta do it.)

I rest my case.

1 comment:

Lang Squal said...

Jenn,

Excellent reporting! What can you find out about another Law & Order: SVU star, Mariska Hargitay?
I'm pretty sure she is stalking me.. I know for a fact she is thinking about me all the time and will occasionally speak to me through the tv screen.