Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; and the Marriage That, Unfortunately, Did

Ooooh, great gossip from Gawker! They ran this not-very-"blind" item with a picture of TomKat with black bars over their eyes, just in case mentally-challenged readers had a hard time figuring out who they were discussing in this juicy piece of hearsay, and possibly, libel:
A famous actor, who we’re not going to name because he likes to sue people who accuse him of what in the next paragraph we’ll accuse him of, and his recently obtained fiancĂ©e, with whom he is very, very, very much in love, have a five-year contract regarding this relationship, and she is to be paid $8 million for fulfilling her end of the contract. •

The deal was arranged and the engagement announced in a very short period of time because the wife of a certain, and rather adorable, pop singer found her husband in bed with the abovementioned unnamed actor, and said actor wanted to have this new news out as soon as possible so as to overshadow any new rumors about his sexuality.

We’ve received at least 6,298 forwards of this email in the last few days. We can’t imagine it’s true, for a lot of reasons including the unlikelihood that so many of your friends just back from L.A., or friends who work for Universal, or friends who work near the green room at "Today," all tell exactly the same story.

Married, adorable male pop star in bed with the T-Man? Hmmmmm. It's the "adorable" part that makes this so hard....Nick Lachey? Is he really a pop star anymore, though? Doesn't he just carry Jessica Simpson's shopping bags now? I would say J-Lo's hubby Marc Anthony, but he's about as far from adorable as one can get and still be human. That dude who sang the song-that-wouldn't-die with Santana? I think his name is Rob Thomas. He's married, and some, I suppose, might think he's cute. Not my cup of tea, mind you, but...Oh, I don't know! Jon Bon Jovi? Simon LeBon? Joey McIntyre? It could be anyone. Any readers care to indulge in some wild, uninfomed speculation with me? Send me your guesses!

In other non-news, Bennifer II have finally been wed in holy, sacred, shotgun-style matrimony.

CNN reports that:
After months of speculation, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have tied the knot -- and she's pregnant.

Representatives for both actors confirmed the marriage to The Associated Press on Thursday. Their publicists, Ken Sunshine and Nicole King, also confirmed that Garner is pregnant with her first child.

Sunshine and King would not give any other details.

The confirmation came after Us Weekly reported that Affleck, 32, and Garner, 33, were wed Wednesday at the Parrot Cay resort in the Caribbean islands of Turks and Caicos. The National Enquirer also released photos it claimed showed Garner arriving on the islands with her "Alias" co-star Victor Garber.

In stark contrast to Affleck's much publicized relationship with Jennifer Lopez, he and Garner have been tightlipped about their romance. Aside from appearing at a Boston Red Sox game last fall, they have stayed out of the public eye.

Reports in April about an engagement were never confirmed. In May, E! News reported that Garner was pregnant and the baby was due in November, but neither star confirmed that report.

This is first marriage for Affleck and the second for Garner, who divorced actor Scott Foley in March 2004 after 3 1/2 years of marriage.

Well, that's kind of a letdown. J-Lo stole their thunder with her quickie nuptials to the man who put the "troll" into "controlling."

Anyway, congratulations, Bennifer II, and good luck with that career-suicide pact you've entered into!

And a fond, final adieu to the original Bennifer:

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Forever in our hearts...

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