Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Guest Blogger Today!

Yes, your Felt Up blogette has to be out of town all day today, so I thought I'd post Rock the Casblogger Rebekah M.'s humorous musings on the last episode of "Trading Spouses." Since I was fated to miss it, I had demanded from her an account of what took place on the season finale, when each woman decides how the other one's family gets to distribute $50,000, usually in some manner than ends in tears.

Rebekah's rousing, spirited, and highly partisan description of this major television event seemed appropriate for, nay, even superior to what is normally contained in Felt Up, and since it was this or nothing, I give you this! I'm very grateful to Rere for graciously providing high-quality content for my humble blog brings a wee tear to me eye, it really does.

Now. When we last left the families of "Trading Spouses," the Humorless Californian Vegan mom was being outsmarted by a be-mulleted blonde Cajun imp, and her Cajun counterpart was seething with rage at the thought of having to make a tofu gumbo for a Humorless Californian Vegan party...

Take it away Rere!

"The Cajun mom is really sweet & tries to be considerate of the crazy vegans. She eats & cooks vegan food in their house & even tries to make a vegan gumbo for a party (which the ungrateful vegans scrape the food into the trash, being freaked out by the presence of "spices" and "taste" in their food). [Ed. note: HA!] Later, at the party, this crazed vegan in a pleather motorcycle jacket berates her for killing poisonous snakes at her house in the swamp (that might hurt her kid) and sneers at her "oh, killing is so easy – isn't it?"

Meanwhile, the vegan mom also throws an all-vegan party for the Cajun neighbors (hooray!) and berates the guests for arriving early to their faces. Then she makes them all watch an animal cruelty video AT THE PARTY -- and sits there and cries during it while all the guests look at her like a crazy person and slowly back out of the room. The husband says in voice-over that he thinks everyone is afraid of her.

In other highlights, she makes fun of the way the Cajun lady dresses (and of her house) and says all people in Louisiana are behind the times, she uses "journaling" as a verb and she correct the little boy's homework and makes him respell monkeys as "monkies". In short, she is a moron, in addition to being a self-righteous bitch.
[Ed. note: I think using 'journaling' and maybe also 'scrapbooking' as a verb should be made a federal crime, perhaps in some special amendment to the Patriot Act.]

You can tell the people who edited it really hate her – at one point, they juxtapose a clip of her talking about how much she loves animals with a shot of her hitting the Cajun family's dog, while trying to force its head down in its pee. They also show her lecturing people at the party about how regular burgers cause cancer but her yummy gardenburgers actually help prevent it – and then she goes outside for a smoke.[Ed. note: HA!]

To add the final hypocritical cherry to her shrill sundae, she then goes out on the town and eats alligator! Sure, she's the one who forced her family to go vegan for the last eight years, but when she sits down in front of a plate of fried alligator she justifies eating it because it's only a reptile. First she starts crying (it's her own idea to eat it), then pops it in her mouth and immediately brightens up & says "mmm, it's good!" At this point, I begin to think she is actually certifiably insane.

At one point she tries to show that she does have a heart and says that she always tells her children that they could eat the neighbors dog if they were really starving (thanks, mom!) – to which the Cajun family looks horrified and insists they would starve before they would eat their dogs. When she asks why the little boy would eat his pet frogs but not his dog, he sagely says "because a frog is a frog, but a dog is man's best friend." [Ed. note: That kid is a genius! I love that kid! When is he going to get his own show, dammit?]

To top things off, she leaves the Cajuns a letter detailing why they are bad parents. She basically tells them they need to be nicer to their kid & spend more time with him, which is amusing since her own kids are talking about how much they're going to miss the Cajun mom & how they're going to get in so much more trouble & get yelled at all the time once their real mom comes back. True to their fears, once she returns to her own family she almost immediately starts berating and threatening them. Everyone is clearly afraid of her.

When they read out the money shots, the vegan lady tells her family that if there's any tears they won't get any "lettuce wraps" as treats [Ed. note: HA ha ha oh god that is awesome]-- and then proceeds to cry after finding out how the money is split. Though it's unclear why she's upset, since the sweet Cajun lady gave them $8K for a vacation, $10K for a jacuzzi (she got really mad about this & insisted that she got to be the one to decide where to put it), $10K for an orchard for the husband (this is the part that apparently pisses her off)...and then after she gets to the last item ($20K for her to do with as she wishes), she proclaims the Cajun lady "wise."

In contrast, the vegan made them spend most of their money on "eco-engines" for their boats and a new roof on their house and only left them $4K for a vacation. The one nice thing you can say about her was she did include $2K for the mudboat that the Cajuns had promised their little boy if he was nice to his new mom -- and the poor kid earned that mudboat the hard way. Thank God she didn't crush his little dreams as she is surely crushing those of her own sad little children.

It's a real shame the show didn't end with the Cajun lady beating the shit out of the California vegan, because that is what America really wants to see! [Ed. note: It's certainly what I wanted to see! Or maybe the Cajun kid putting crawfish down her underpants or something.] Sigh."

Yay, thanks Rebekah! Fantastic job. I couldn't have been any snarkier myself. Now, it's off to old San Antonio, where I am almost positive they have my long-lost stolen bicycle hidden in the basement of the Alamo.

Vaya con Dios, amigos!


Greg said...

The only way people should be allowed to use journaling as a verb is if they're forced to pronounce it "yournaling."

Kudos on the wrap-up, Rebekah!

LB said...

A vegan eating an alligator. Priceless. But why couldn't it be the other way around?