Monday, June 06, 2005

Crowe Me A River

Looks like somebody's got a bad case of the Mondays! CNN reports that:
Hollywood star Russell Crowe has been arrested in New York and charged with assault after allegedly throwing a telephone that struck a hotel employee in the face, according to police.

Officers said the New Zealand-born actor was expected to appear in Manhattan Criminal Court later on Monday.

"He was upset because he couldn't get a call out to Australia," said Sgt. Michael Wysokowski. "He threw a phone at the employee hitting him in the face and causing a minor laceration."

The incident took place at the Mercer Street Hotel in the SoHo district of New York City shortly after 4 a.m. on Monday.

Police said the victim was taken to St.Vincent's Hospital. Crowe was taken to a police station were he was charged with second-degree assault. If convicted he could face up to a year in prison.

Aww, poor widdle Wussle was just a bit cwanky because his weepie boxing movie got some vewwy baaaaaaad weviews and came in fourth place at that nasty ole box office!

It's damn hard being the world's greatest actor, isn't it?

That employee was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong thespian. How do I know this? Because before his bust-up in the hotel, the NY Post reported that:
Russell Crowe has some seriously thin skin.

The arrogant Aussie, who publicly criticized his "Cinderella Man" co-star Craig Bierko's performance earlier this week, was so angry about the poor reviews for his flick in the New York papers that he refused to come down for interviews at the Essex House on Friday.

"At first they said he was a bit late, but then they said he was not coming," one junketeering journo reports.

"Renée Zellweger, Paul Giamatti and director Ron Howard were already there doing interviews, and no sign of Mr. Crowe.

We waited for three hours until we were told to leave."

Zellweger and Howard were said to be "lovely" despite the disappointing reviews.

So Friday he refused to come for the press junket and by monday he was assaulting someone with a phone. What went on during the intervening two days, I wonder? Let's try to reconstruct the Weekend of Crowe Unbound:

Friday afternoon
: Crowe sulks in darkened hotel suite, dressed in his old "Gladiator" costume and waving his Oscar in a menacing fasion. He mutters darkly about the "bloody press," "p.r. goons," and "that goddamn Squinty McBonyass." His wife/baby-provider Danielle, cowers in a corner, desperately trying to remember how many Foster's Lagers Crowe has consumed in the past 48 hours. Sadly, she cannot count that high.

Friday night: Crowe, who never fully recovered from the fact that he was passed over for the lead role of Howard Hughes in "The Aviator," despite spending months of intense preparation by peeing into milk bottles, acting strange and paranoid, and spelling out the word "quarantine" into a mirror very slowly and dramatically while washing his hands until they bled, takes a tip from Hughes' life and locks Danielle out of the suite, forcing her to communicate through a door while she sits on a chair in the hallway.

Saturday morning: Crowe finally admits his wife back into the suite. She immediately begins surreptiously gathering up sharp objects. Tragically, she fails to see the telephone as a dangerous weapon, as she is not familiar with the underling-dealings of supermodel/hellion Naiomi Campbell.

Saturday afternoon: Crowe receives an advance copy of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, with him and Squinty McBonyass on the cover. He reads out loud in a sneering, sarcastic voice the tagline under their picture: " 'Cinderella Man' Could Be Summer's Feel-Good Hit." He cackles with such ominous venom that Danielle decides that now might be a good time to hit the designer stores on Fifth Avenue and do a spot of shopping. She warns hotel staff that "Mr. Crowe is not to be disturbed."

Saturday night: Danielle returns to find her husband in the fetal position in the bathtub, surrounded by shredded pieces of Entertainment Weekly and empty Foster's cans. She tiptoes backwards out of the room and thinks that now might be a good time to check out the hotel's award-winning restaurant. And possibly then the bar. And maybe the all-night coffee shop, as well.

Sunday morning: Mrs. Crowe returns to their room to find Crowe has suddenly changed moods rather abruptly and is now dressed in a tuxedo, his hair gelled back, a bottle of Dom Perignon in his hands, giddily demanding that they dance around the room "like Fred and bloody Ginger, mate." Danielle dutifully puts on one of her newly-purchased gowns and they dance madly and passionatly until the wee hours, when they finally collapse in a fit of giggles and drift off into sweet, delicious, much-needed sleep.

Sunday afternoon: The couple wake up to find that Ron Howard has sent a massive bouquet of yellow flowers to their suite. It is in the shape of an Oscar, with a note that reads "Don't worry about the reviews. This one is in the bag! They don't call you "Cinderella Man" for nothing! Love, Opie." The sight of the giant Academy Award sends Crowe into a rage, and he knocks it down with a vicious upper right hook. Danielle decides this might be the right time to head out for a wee breakfast with her attorney.

Sunday night: After reading her pre-nuptial agreement, Danielle heads back to the hotel with renewed resolve to stay in her fairy-tale wedding to the world's greatest actor. She finds her husband trying to make a phone call to their nanny in Australia, but he is having some trouble getting through. Russell decides to "have a word" with the hotel staff about his difficulties. He wrenches the offending phone out of the wall and tucks it under his bulging bicep. As he heads out the door, Mrs. Crowe calls after him, "Oh, Rusty, maybe we should wait until tomorrow!" He snarls back, "Maximus waits for no one, mate. No one!...(he spits on the phone) These poncey Yank hotel phones don't bloody well work! Well, I'll bloody well see that they do work! I am Russell Bloody Crowe, mate! And I'll see this phone in hell!"

And that was the last she saw of him until a Sgt. Michael Wysokowski called to tell her that her hubby was in jail, charged with second-degree "assault with a deadly telephone."

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

The end???

1 comment:

Adryenn Ashley said...

Nearly 70% of all marriages that end are due to financial stress. Add to that crushing statistic that divorce has not only become acceptable, but nearly inevitable! Why? Because we as a society don't take the time to do the work up front to ensure lifelong happiness. In fact, many smart, single girls revert back to schoolgirl fantasies once the ring goes on their finger. Faster than their guy can get up off of bended knee, these girls are pulling out the bridal magazines and obsessing over napkins and cake flavors. Combining two well-lived lives requires as much attention, more in fact, as planning a fairytale wedding. So Every Single Girl's Guide To Her Future Husband's Last Divorce is my contribution to all future second wives out there so they can learn the ropes without getting in the ring. We owe it to ourselves and our families to protect our ASSets!