Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Catfight Narrowly Averted; Felt Up Weeps Bitter Tears

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Lots of juicy tidbits in today's Page Six. Huzzah!

First up, it was reported that Lindsay Lohan and the Simpson sisters, Ashlee and Jessica, "almost" got into a giant catfight at the MTV Movie Awards after-parties. "Almost" doesn't cut it, girls, get your damn act together and throw down some s**t! Jeez, what does a girl have to do around here to get a good dance-off/catfight/meltdown?

Here are the semi-sordid details:
Lindsay Lohan is still upset at Ashlee Simpson for "stealing" her ex-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, last year.

When Ashlee arrived with her sister, Jessica, Saturday night for Lohan's party at the Standard in L.A. after the MTV Movie Awards, there was almost "a catfight," sources say.

"Jessica and Ashlee pulled up, and as hotel employees were clearing a table for them at Lindsay's party, Lindsay supposedly found out and said, 'No way — they are not coming to my party.' And the guy at the door told the Simpsons that [Lohan] said to go away," our spywitness said.

The Simpson sisters then went to Jimmy Fallon's party at the Argyle Hotel, where Jessica was heard ranting, "That [bleep]. If she comes here, I will kick her ass!"

Sure enough, an hour later, Lohan ended up at the Argyle, where Jessica "went ballistic," spies said. "She was screaming how she was going to kick her butt, and had to be separated from Lindsay. Ashlee wasn't so upset, but Jessica was furious because she says she is a star and should be let in everywhere."

The trio ended up making up after Lohan "explained it was a mistake that they were not let into her party."

A rep for Lohan said, "Maybe their names got misplaced on the list."

A rep for Ashlee said, "Ashlee and Jessica had a great time at Jimmy's party, which was the hottest one of the night."

I can just hear Lindsay explaining to Jess and Ash why they were "accidentally" left off the list of her party:

"Ohmigod, I am so sorry, you guys! It's all my stupid publicist's fault, she was having a total 'blonde' moment, ha ha ha! Wilmer is so not worth losing our super-special friendship, ok? Fez is not on our level of stardom, yo! Let's all go to the bathroom and do lines with Jimmy, ok? I know he wants to, he told me like twenty gazillion times. And I'm feeling so fat, you know? I need to lose more weight with my "extreme diet," ha ha ha! You're my bitches for life, right?"

And then Jess was all, "Hells yeah, bitch! These things happen. When me and Sis were tag-teaming Bam and Johnnny, it got a little weird between us because those boys were totally, like, paying more attention to me than to Ash, 'cause, you know, let's face it, I'm waaaay hotter, ya'll, and she got all jealous, and our precious, sacred sisterhood, like, totally suffered. But then our daddy gave us some, like, Christian counseling on how to deal with these sit...sit-u-..sit-u-a..um, with these things, and we got it all straightened out. He's the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!"

Ashlee said, "Word, bitch! Punk rock, ya'll!" and they all giggled as they rounded up their posse and headed for the ladies' room.

Elsewhere at the MTV Awards, things were not quite as rosy. Everyone was creeped out by the secretive-yet-nauseating comings and goings of TomKat:
Everyone was buzzing about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' strange behavior.

"Katie requested a private dressing room, which was in the basement," we're told. "Tom and Katie came roaring up on his motorcycle and disappeared for the whole night into the room with her p.r. guy, a stylist, a hairdresser, a makeup person and six Scientologists, including Tom's sister [and p.r. woman] Lee Anne DeVette. They did not come out except for when they went onstage — did not mingle with anyone in the green room — and then left."

Holmes had to be back at the Regent Beverly Wilshire early the next morning for the "Batman Begins" junket, where she and Cruise "made out in the hallway in front of all the journalists and TV people in between every interview."

"We are talking a public display for hours," said our source. "It was over the top, unnecessary and gross."

This really gives me the heebie-jeebies. The thought of Tom Cruise and his poor, naive beard Katie "Cold Sores and Hammer Toes" Holmes hunkered down in a Scientology bunker for some reason makes me think of Hitler and Eva Braun during the last days of World War II: "Lee Anne, make sure Katie has her cyanide pills, ok? We will rule this world and many others together or not at all! Mwah, ha ha ha! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!"

The thought of them making out for "hours" in full view of the press just makes me want to vomit, violently, until my insides feel clean again.

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"Please, Tommy, please let go of my head. You're hurting me!"

(Through expensively perfect-toothed smile): "Did Lee Anne give you your 'special' pills? At my signal we will leave on the spaceship together! L. Ron told me so in a dream!"

Last, but not least, my prayers have been answered and the Gallagher mentioned in the press today is an Oasis Gallagher, not a watermelon-smashing has-been "comedian," thank holy God:
Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher thinks Bono and his U2 bandmates are a bunch of wimps. Gallagher was incredulous when he heard U2 members analyzed a video of themselves after a live show.

“Wankers,” Gallagher spat to the Sydney Telegraph.

“Haven’t they got [bleep]-all better to do? I’d rather be out there getting p——d. I certainly wouldn’t go back after a gig and analyze it. No wonder they’re the biggest band in the world: ‘Oh, Edge, the fourth guitar solo wasn’t right tonight.’ ‘Oh, sorry, Bono.’ If that’s what people think rock’n’roll is . . .”

Hee hee! Oh, Liam. Bless your pickled little heart. I love you for being such a cheeky little bitch! And truly, he is right. It's not very rock-n-roll to analyze concert footage after a show when you should rightfully be getting "pissed," picking up birds, throwing a tantrum, smashing up the first class section of a plane because they didn't have scones, calling your brother the c-word, and doing giant mountains of cocaine off Dannii Minogue's behind.

Of course, it's not all that rock-n-roll to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, so there you go.

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1 comment:

chepo said...

this post has me in tears