Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Beat It!

The New York Daily News is reporting that Michael Jackson's only public statement so far on the not-guilty verdicts was posted on his official website:
The Jackson Web site mjjsource.com featured graphics declaring "Innocent" and showing a hand giving a victory sign as a fanfare plays.

A scrolling calendar highlights historic events such as "Martin Luther King is born," "The Berlin Wall falls," "Nelson Mandela is freed," and finally, "June 13, 2005, Remember this date for it is a part of HIStory."

I'm so glad to see that The King of Pop has been able to maintain his usual humbleness, humility and self-effacing charm.

Jackson's lawyer is also promising the world's parents that MJ will no longer sleep in the same bed with their little boys:
"He's not going to do that anymore," attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr. told NBC's "Today." "He's not going to make himself vulnerable to this anymore."

Yeah, that's a relief. Michael was very vulnerable, all right. Vulnerable to those tiny tempters of the Devil who preyed upon Michael's weaknesses! Parading themselves in their pj's, giving him that coy, "come-hither" look with their bedroom eyes as they drank ever so seductively from their sippy cups...Michael was victimized! He is a martyr to the cause of freedom! Much like a modern-day, less-masculine Rosa Parks, he was trying to be the first non-human to sit in the proverbial front of the bus. The school bus, that is.

He went to the mountain top and he had a dream. A dream that one day little black boys and little white boys would join hands with him and they would all go back to Neverland and play with monkeys and mannequins and llamas and live happily ever after.

And actually, now that he's been acquitted, he may be able to see that dream come true, despite what his pesky lawyer says.

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Freedom Riders!

In other non-news, the girl who puts the Kat in TomKat, Katie Holmes, is already so deeply immersed in Scientology brainwashing that she is a shell of her former self, a pod person, a vacant-eyed drooling zombie, according to Page Six:
Scientology, founded by science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, is known for its members' cult-like devotion. Sources close to Holmes already credit her "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"-like behavior to her being brainwashed by the Scientologists.

"If there's a soul for the taking, they take it," a Hollywood source close to her said. "She was such a sweet girl and now she's just gone."

Well, she's just preparing for her ride on the space ship, OK? Is that so hard to understand, you cynics, you non-believers? Jeez.
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Still not convinced? Well, the NY Daily News' Lloyd Grove writes in his Lowdown column that he hears:
That Katie Holmes is driving Warner Bros. Pictures absolutely batty with her insistence - or maybe it's boyfriend Tom Cruise's insistence - that a Church of Scientology official accompany the starlet every step of the way on her "Batman Begins" press tour.

Warner Bros. international marketing execs have been firing off agitated E-mails expressing severe frustration that the 26-year-old Holmes' Scientology adviser, a twentysomething brunette identified as Jessica Rodriguez, has been monitoring (and occasionally interrupting) every single press interview when not giving Holmes religious instruction.

"Tom pays Jessica to 'Keep Katie on the path,'" reports a Lowdown spy. "She goes everywhere with Katie - she's never more than a quarter-step behind her. When you ask her who she is, she says, 'I'm Katie's best friend.' She's known her for six weeks!"

Adds the spy: "Warner Bros. is going out of its way to be nice, has been nothing but gracious, and Jessica is very condescending to people around her, and she continues to ask a thousand questions: 'What time does the plane leave?' 'How long is this interview going to take?'...

Yesterday, Holmes confirmed at a London press conference that she was officially converting to the religion founded in the 1950s by science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Her announcement seemed to provoke a glare from her "Batman Begins" co-star Michael Caine.

Hee-hee! I wouldn't want to get on Michael Caine's bad side. He can be quite frightening when he's not being a lovable cheeky Cockney charmer--remember his performance in "Death Trap" with Christopher Reeve and a pre-Botoxed, pre-surgered-into-unrecognizability Dyan Cannon? Scaaaaary!

Although once you've looked deep into the eyes of Cruise, you can probably face any terror known to Man. Or alien. See for yourself, but be careful. DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES:
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Aaaaah! I can't bear it! RUN, KATIE, RUN! RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIFE! STEP AWAY FROM THE CRUISE! STEP AWAY FROM THE CRUISE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE SOME TINY SHRED OF HUMANITY LEFT IN YOUR DIANETICALLY-ENGINEERED EXOSKELETON!

TOM CRUISE IS MADE OF PEOPLE! PEEEEEEEEEOPLLLLLE, I SAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(I know. I use that joke too much. But I can't help it, I laugh a hearty chuckle to myself every damn time. "Soylent Green" and Carrot Top references--I can't stop myself!)

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