Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Sore Subject

Here's what I got:

Poor Katie Holmes' mouth is covered in cold sores. First she is forced to be Tom Cruise's beard and now this. Was she Hitler in a previous life? What has she done to deserve such a cruel fate? As an occasional cold sore sufferer myself, I can't imagine how horrible it would be to be famous and photographed with a breakout--although I must say, I've never had 'em this bad in my life. Is it because she's been rubbing her mouth against an evil Scientologist? And why doesn't Tom sport them, too? Is he immune? Or have all those high-profile liplocks been digitally created by CGI special effects wizards? It's all very confusing. And gross.

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In this picture she actually looks much improved from the stuff I saw in Star and Us Weekly, where she looked like a member of "Spinal Tap."

According to the NY Daily News "Lowdown," widely-reported manlover Hayden Christensen and serial maneater Eva Longoria were seen locking their (hopefully) cold-sore-free lips at the Cannes Film Festival. Here's the shocking report:
Has insatiable siren Eva Longoria gone to the dark side?

On Sunday night in the South of France, the least desperate housewife was spotted in full canoodle with "Star Wars" stud Hayden Christensen during the party for "Episode III - Revenge of the Sith" at the Cannes Film Festival.

A Lowdown spywitness reports from the swanky restaurant Le Baoli, the temporary satellite outpost of the New York club PM: "She was hitting on Hayden, big-time. They basically spent the whole night talking and caressing each other in a dark corner with security all around them."

Adds the spy: "They were being discreet, but she was holding his hand, and they left at the same time, around 3:30 a.m."

Although the two took care to leave separately to avoid the paparazzi, says the spy, "I'm pretty sure they hooked up."

The question is not whether Eva has gone to the Dark Side, but whether Hayden likes both sides, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. I could make a crude light saber joke right about here, but I am a professional unpaid blogette and that would be beneath my high standards of non-journalism.

The "Lowdown" had another interesting item, this one about beloved "Scrubs" star Zach Braff acting like a boob:
Apparently "Scrubs" star Zach Braff is a breast man. During Sunday night's release party for the "Scrubs" DVD at nightspot Aer, the medically incorrect Braff told a waitress, "You have beautiful t-s."

Yesterday the waitress, asking for anonymity, told Lowdown: "I was dressed as a nurse. ... He tried to give me a DVD and he said, 'Let me put it in your breasts.' I said no, and he was like, 'I'm just kidding.'

"I think it's gross...[his girlfriend] Mandy Moore was in the other room. He was drunk - he asked for, like, 100 shots. I've been there two months, and no customer has come on like that."

Yesterday Braff's rep responded, "Zach's said some pretty inappropriate things in the past, but he always 'fesses up to them, and he said he didn't say that. But I wasn't there."

Hee-hee, even the pubclicist won't feign outrage or issue a denial. It's always those not-very-cute but appealing in a sensitive-indie-rock-loving-quiet-way tv star/"Garden State"-director types who love to fondle the boobies, isnt' it? You really got a keep a close eye on those guys. And can I just say, "Oh, woe-is-me, poor little wannabe-actress dressed in a nurse costume serving shots to tv stars got complimented on her ta-ta's, oh, boo-hoo, cry me a river?" Friend of Felt Up Ursula F. is a total Braff-atic, and she would gladly shake her money-makers in Zach's direction if the need ever arises. Come to Texas, Zach, where we are downright proud of our boobs and aren't afraid to use them! I'm pretty sure Ursula owns a nurse's uniform and you can shove whatever you want down that cleavage, I promise! OK, now I want to do the dirty light saber joke....no, no. I won't. I'm a professional, and I shall rise above....
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2 comments:

Beto said...

About the Eva Longoria story.

OK. Let me get this out of the way. I'm a Spurs fan. Fine.

Eva, you don't cheat on your boyfriend (Spurs guard Tony Parker) in his HOME COUNTRY!

Everyone in South Texas will march to Corpus Christi and burn her parent's home down, if he is distracted by this during the play offs! I'm not advocating it, I'm just predicting it...

Anonymous said...

Oh, what insight you have. I would be happy to receive anything Zach wants to shove down or up my nurse costume. -Ursula